Heart over Brain

I have no time to write this blog write now.

To be honest and I am not even kidding I have not even had time to unpack my toothbrush or a pair of clean underwear.

But I have decided to do things differently than I usually do and my heart (vs my brain) needs to get this blog out of my head (and my heart).

Last night and early this morning we were bombarded with parent teacher meetings. Most  parents dread them….for me I can honestly say they are always one of my favorite evenings of the year.

I love them.

I love getting information on my kids and their “other lives”

I love hearing how others perceive them either positively or negatively.

I love the way these educators talk to my teens and tweens like mini adults and hold them accountable and responsible for their actions and behaviors.

I love seeing my kids get taught and engaged by someone other than me right in front of me.

I love seeing them squirm in their seats when we are told something we should already know but do not.

Mostly……I love that these updates make a massive difference and they and we get an opportunity to do things differently. I love that we get to try again.

So for years now I have gone to these meetings secretly loving them (but often pretending they annoy me to fit in with the rest of the world). But I have attended these meetings with my brain. And boy am I good with my brain. Without sounding too conceited I am a pretty smart cookie (I think)

Well last night and this morning I attended with my heart and left my brain pretty much outside. (I am not too conceited about my heart. It’s very average in fact).

I took very little and very poor notes. I was unprepared with questions. In Science as he talked about my son and his “bavardage I focused on the zit on his forehead.

I sat back and soaked it all in, and took it all in and felt a whole lot.

I still think that particular high school is the most magical place on earth but god all mightily are they tough…and “exigente”..and demanding and incredible. Talk about having opportunities given to you as a gift in life!. What a place (if you get to stay there). It’s like the show Survivor or Amazing Race!!! Wonderful if you can figure out how to get in, stay in and survive.

And after my daughter’s meeting today at the elementary school where I also left my brain at the door ,I sat all teary in my car for a few minutes and thought about my daughter. About the books I need to buy her to improve her French? About the fact that she is being bossy? About the fact that she is not using her entire potential and that the teacher said she could be a 95% student but often does not use that ability due to many other factors? No I did not really care actually.

Usually I get out my notes and I make a plan. How comforting is a plan???? To be able to FIX and SOLVE something on a piece of paper. And MY plans…they are always excellent. They always WORK. How comforting that pen is when it brings about miracles so often. When it FIXES things.

But a pen can only be used with a brain right? What do you get to use with your heart?

What is your hearts's tool?

You get to use yourself.

Yes you heard me right..no pen.no paper…no plan. MOI.

Me. My time. My heart. That is what I will offer them. Those kids who need some help in potential and French and  bavardage and courses.

Connection with me. Communication with me. Understanding from me. Belief from me.Love. Heart. Longer tucks ins. longer talks. Move over peers-your friend is getting a new kind of friend a mother friend. Me.

I have realized that I have both dreaded and anticipated this stage of teen hood my whole life. How much more energy I will need to expend!!! How much more do I have???????????

So beside my brain and some loving I will need to give them my heart too?Have I really ever given it fully to anyone?

Have I given it to my three kids in full?

No I have not. To certain amongst them at certain times. Often. Partially. With a lot of brain mixed in. a lot of brain.

I will get my daughter today at 5pm and she will expect that I will be upset about an incident her teacher  told me…but I will not.

I will look at her straight in the face and I will tell her:

“My darling-I am so very sorry. I am so sorry that I wanted you so desperately but I have not had the full energy and time that I need to truly take care of you in the way you need to be taken care of. Instead of rushing to tuck you in at night I will indulge in it. Not only for you..but for me. Because it will give me energy to be with you and hold you and have you talk to me and confide in me. It will fuel my heart. My brain does not need any more feeling as it is full. And by me being there for you and being fully present with you and connecting with you fully everything else will fall into place in the way that it needs to and the way that it should. I will use my brain full force at work-maybe even harder than I have ever used it-but at home I will not use it half as much. Do you accept my apology? Will you take my heart? Now let's talk about those grades and that mean girl behavior...my heart (and my brain) are ready for you now" Let's figure it out Bebe"

And maybe –just maybe..those three kids will break my heart one day soon or in the future. Maybe they will run away from me-or marry some wife who will keep them from my Sunday dinner table. Maybe they will move to Jamaica and get pregnant. Or get some wierd crazy drug induced coma.

And maybe they won’t break me at all.

Maybe they will help me to make my heart as big as my brain.

And maybe in doing so I will help them make their brains as big as their hearts?

Now wouldn’t that be beautiful? If I could do that for them and they could do that for me......I won't need to be searching for anything anymore.

 

 

 

Back to Reality!

Isn’t it strange when you return from a vacation it feels like you never left?

Other things I notice when I come back from vacation is how busy a person I am. How do I handle this life day in and day out? How does a person juggle all of this? Why do I have to be in charge of so many things? And people? And have so many repsnsibilities? Why oh why?

How do I do this???

(sob here for the girl with the tan)

Don't worrry tomorrow I wil be in control again. Maybe?

Other observation is how habits don’t take long to form. Two weeks on vacation and my body is already programmed for certain habits I picked up while away. Today at 3pm a sugar craving hit me and I went down to the vending machine and bought a chocolate bar at work. I have not done this is 8 years ever!!! I reserve junk food for weekends or if out at a restaurant maybe a dessert here and there but never at work.

I think my body was missing our 3pm treats on vacation.

Also literally since 2pm I have felt like I could take the largest nap. Could have something to do with the fact that our plane got in at 1:30am and I had only a few hours’ sleep-but think more likely that my body is craving that cuddly nap that I took each day from 4-5:15 just before the sun went down.

And most of all-as much as I love being on vacation and being away-I am glad to know that I also love my real life too. I am glad that I take pleasure in both.

Tired, tired, thousand plus emails, 7 parent teacher meetings tonight, not a single morsel of clothing unpacked, a list of things long as Santa’s of what to get done in next 48 hrs….But so grateful and happy to have gone away…and to be home. Grateful that I do..and grateful that I can.

And immensely grateful for the Best Mom and Didi in the entire world who allows it all to happenJ

Goodbye Turks and Caicos

 

 

Tomorrow is our last day. Two weeks here…wow have we been spoiled. For some reason this year it feels even more indulgent…I feel almost sinfully guilty this year.

It has been  7 yrs we have been coming here. Five trips alone and three with the kids to one resort and one condominium that belongs to a great client of my Hubby. It has been amazing….but it will be our last year. All great things come to an end and we have decided to move onto other places in the world. We have been to many besides here during those years too…..but clearly Turks has taken up most and many of our vacations. It’s time to say goodbye. For now.

I made a video today of the ocean and in it I say that the next time I will be back is when I am rich enough to afford more than one of two vacations an year and when I am rich enough to own my own condo here. This will be a serious goal of mine.I better start crafting what I will do exactly to have an extra 2 million dollars hanging around!!!

It has been a wonderful vacation overall-and different too. Each one has it’s flavor doesn’t it? This stay was really like a gorgeous cottage on the ocean. We went out to dinner only twice so far and lunch twice-that equals a whole lot of cooking and cleaning! I clean and Hubby cooks. We both plan menus and shop. The weather has been very so so so not much sailing and not as much swimming as usual.  A whole lot of walking though! I think I lost weight seriously despite eating two homemade desserts a day!

Today we took a 16 dollar taxi far, far, far and walked all the way back on the beach-it was awesome.

Highlights this trip? The excursions we did looking for conks which the guy offered to allow us free again tomorrow since he loved that my husband expressed so much gratitudeJ Blogging on the balcony overlooking the ocean at 7pm, watching horror movies on our new IPAD, seeking the perfect shells, Caesar wraps, homemade fries, my two new spa t-shirts, paying it forward and doing lovely things and acts of kindness all over the place, face timing my sweet kids, cuddling on the bed outside on the balcony, wearing lingerie and lounge wear instead of pyjamas every evening, feeling prettier than I ever have in my life, having deep dark tans despite lots of sunscreen and lots of clouds, the smell of the shower gel here on my husband. The pelicans and their messages, my 2012 Happiness Project which is complete, the 8 books I read so far, my salty caramel chocolate bar, reading my friends blogs, the sunsets, the sounds of the ocean, the look of the sky, the fluffy clouds, Jacuzzis before bed. Having time….to just be…..alone..together..with my thoughts…..with my dreams. Planning for the future and the clarity I have gained here.

Tougher has been: being very disconnected from work. My email is down and although this is a blessing and prevents me from checking in also stressful to be totally so far away and have NO IDEA what is going on back home. I realize that I solve a lot of problems and issues on my own at work, I have really managed my own shop over the years in so many ways. Conducted what feels like a big orchestra with so many parts that are up to me and me only….and I am very scared what my day Thursday will look like and the month after that Yikes!!!!!! No emails for the airport even,,, scary stuff!!!! 

Hubby and I had two major fights..one about trust and the other about hurt feelings on this trip. Both hurt. A lot. But we got through and our communication when we fight is getting better.  We are strong as a couple and being married 16 yrs is a long time. We are entering a new phase with eachother.

This trip I felt a mixture of missing home and guilt a bit too-as kids getting older I find harder to leave ironically in some ways-I feel like we will only have the kids with us  for a limited amount of time and is it ok to leave?Most of me screams yes but part of me feels bad about it. I have done a ton of thinking while here..a ton. In a good way too. I have said goodbye to a lot of habits that I have been working on for a while. Officially. I have changed.

My son failed a course (almost more than one). I seem ok with that. I fully believe in him and what he needs and what he is capable of. I believe in Heaven. I forgave something pretty bad this week. I have decided that the future will be different than the past.

It scares me to bits since as I change I feel more vulnerable…more insecure….more out there. More easily hurt, rejected and alone. Will my old people like this new part of me? Will I? Will I still be able to be as successful believing in a Heaven and walking around all day doing good deeds for little strange kids? I hope I will.

And if I don’t I have to remember that one must fail before they truly succeed and I need to believe in that.

 

 

Turks has been a big part of me and it is time to say goodbye to this magnificent part of our lives, our couple and our existence. It feels like saying goodbye to home really that’s how connected we feel to this place.

Our next place we will go as a couple will be very different. I am going to ask sister Savvy to help us choose it. It will be far and exotic and wonderful. I am ready to explore. And the next three years of kids trips are already planned and chosen and all wonderful and exciting and different.

Goodbye Turks! Goodbye wonderful safe, predictable beautiful piece of us. We will miss you but will take you with us on our future journeys. And will be sure to come back when we have lots of funds extra whenever that time will come. You will be an addition but not a destination any longer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh the places we will go!!!!! I am excited.

Comments on my blog

I decided a couple of months ago that I wanted to have comments be able to appear on my blog. Problem is I could not seem to figure out how to get them back. I did now. Voila!

When I first started blogging I had comments but they were hidden and did not appear…now I have decided to go the visible route which makes more sense now that I know more about blogging.

Since blog beginning I have gotten many comments on blog but all from email or texts and all from people who know me and my email address including a lot of people I have coached and worked with. Some blogs have no comments and some have many-it’s interesting to see what touches and impacts people in different ways and is great feedback.

So I invite you to comment or continue to comment-either by the blog itself or my email or text as you have done in the past. I love it all.

Also I am making more of an effort to also share more of my feedback on some of my fave blogs. I am enjoying these cyber relationships more and more and also preparing for the time when one of my fave bloggers and reader and friend moves back far away. Our blogs will keep us connected-of that I am sure.

 

Accessing Goodness from Within

Often there are things inside of me that don’t come out. And I know if they did they would be beautiful. So I am working on that.

So today at the pool there was a Father with his three kids. He asked them if they could go to the beach chairs and fetch the sunscreen for him as he felt he was burning. They said no.

“But guys-can’t you do just this one little favor for your Dad? A guy who daily does million things for you?

No Dad

“But c’mon guys-I cook you breakfast every morning!!!”

No Dad

“Ok in that case I guess I will sit in the shade by myself. I really wanted to hang out with you all but since I have no sunscreen that just won’t be possible”

Kids sit in pool and continue chatting together and ignoring their Dad.

Until I come and save the day!!!!!!

“Ummm kids…I really think one of you should get that sunscreen for your Dad. He is such a sweetie and he makes you breakfast every day. Plus he would feel so loved. Imagine if you got up, got it for him and gave it to him with a big hug and kiss and said thanks for everything you do Dad”

They looked at me in complete shock.

One of them said that Dad only made breakfast 3 days a week and that he was lying

The other one ignored me

But the other one..the 9 year old trotted off and 5 mins later came back…with a huge grin on his face..a sideways glance to me…pride in his step….with love on his face..and threw himself in his Dad’s arms….and then surprised him with the sunscreen in his pocket.

The look on his face..and the look on the Dad’s face might have been the very best moment of my entire vacation. And trust me I have had some really good moments here.

So what if the little brother told the Dad it was me??? I made it abundantly clear that advice..is only advice. People only follow it if they choose too. His son was a trooper and I only started him out.

Seeing that Dad in the sun with his sunscreen on laying beside his little son. Their hands holding each other’s for a long long time afterwards….I felt so good.

And I understood that that little boy would remember me and the message I sent him. The business I put my nose into. Where I had something inside of me and decided to share it.

To do good.

To feel good.

To give in abundance.

And make a real difference in the smallest of ways.

It May be time to Believe in Heaven

Heaven as a perfect rainbow at Trent above my Protector's perfect head

 

As we snorkelled today I started thinking about Heaven up there. Out of anything religious this has been the part I have left myself most open too. I mean not the Heaven with Jesus and angels and that stuff but a place where good energy goes. And we go to find our loved ones. Or turn into someone up there that can communicate to our loved ones below through fate and circumstances.

And my Heaven is all fluffy and white of course and beautiful too.

Down there with the fish today though I started thinking more about Heaven and miracles really. Maybe it was the beauty that surrounded me….the fact that here is a whole underwater world that we are unaware of in our daily life on the earth. Maybe it was the fact that the weather has been so bad so we asked our daughter to do her famous sun dance for us and it cleared up for the hour we snorkeled. Maybe it was seeing my husband change and see a different side of him on this trip, maybe it was how light I felt snorkeling, slim little hips, light as a feather and muscular. Maybe it is the way the skies lit up pink during the spectacular sunset or the fact that I bought a 10$ chocolate bar with salted caramel in it. Maybe it is my openness to retuning myelf this year and opening my thoughts,

But somehow today I wanted to believe in Heaven even a bit more.

And so instead of letting that thought get away we decided to make it a reality. We decided that on Sundays we will pray before dinner with our kids. We will also talk to them more about Heaven and its comforts.

Just like that? Yes just like that.

That’s the way I do things in life.

What I have realized about religion lately is that so many parts of it I love and others I really don’t like at all. I am going to focus on the parts I do like and integrate them a little bit into our family lives. And leave the parts I don’t like alone. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing I realized. I always thought it had to be.

I am going to believe in the parts that I want to believe in like Heaven and giving thanks for what we are grateful for in a more structured way.

Part of this was inspired by a book I read last week called “Heaven is Real” about a boy who had emergency appendix surgery (hit very close to home) and who’s parents claimed that he died and went to Heaven for about 5 minutes. At first this book really turned me off. I mean having a Dad who is a Pastor might slightly incline any child to talk about Jesus and know what he would be wearing and who the saints are etc….I mean come on….is this book for real?

But then something about it and the way that it was written was just so plain and real and simple. Taking all the Jesus, saint stuff etc..out….the Dad himself just says believe in heaven because it feels good, it is safe and comforting.  He said that is reason enough to believe-no strings attached. It makes people feel good to believe. It makes them feel safe. Go for it people!

I want that too!

I want that for my kids!

So can I take Heaven separately from other parts????

Of course I can.

And I will.

So kids make way for some prayer as of next Sunday night before dinner and some talking about Heaven. And I expect some confusion from you and some questions. Of course! What happened to Mom in Turks!!!!!! Did she turn into a Nun? But it’s never too late for the comfort of Heaven. And it is never too late to open our minds, our souls and our hearts to something that we may not understand on every level but that may have the ability to provide a haven for us in time of need.

I want to be able to pray here and there in times of need and not pray though others only. My God may be a beautiful fish or a  rainbow or a chocolatel and look a bit different than yours. But I realize I have one too in my own and unique way and it’s time for me to articulate that a little more and let it emerge into what it is and what it is not.

It’s time for me to take my little slice of Heaven a little more seriously.

And share that pie with my kids a bit more and as a family. Explore with them what they believe in and what they don’t. and if Heaven makes sense for them too….and what it looks like in their eyes?

If God is looking down on me now..maybe he is not impressed. I am sure the Jesus etc parts are important to him…actually I am quite sure they are and parts of my blog have him fuming. On the otherhand…..if there is a God..he has been very good to me…..and has taken care of me and I am quite certain that he is giving me a half smile and maybe even a little wink up there about the Sunday prayers and talking about Heaven. He likes my honesty on the subject. I am real. He likes that alot.

I feel believed in.

Maybe it’s time to start believing?

Heaven as Fall lake at our cottage

 

Add caption

 

Heaven in the form of the completion of Bear's first IronMan. Excatly one year later to his own emergency appendix surgery

 

Pioneer Trek

I don’t know why this word keeps coming into my mind as we walk and walk and walk…for some reason I feel like pioneers.

Here in Turks and Caicos when we go for a walk..we seriously go for a walk. Today we started walking at 9:15 am and returned to the resort from our walk at 2:45pm!

Ok so it’s not all walking. There’s a lot of swim stops in the ocean, and some shell seeking, a stop for a beer at another hotel, a pop into the hotel pool at another. Some sitting down, some sleeping on lawn chairs along the way for a snooze…..but a serious amount of beach and walking is covered.

Our favorite thing to do here is to go to each extremity point of the island by foot each on a different day. Today we went to the furthest point we have ever been. And what do we do there? We make some serious wishes. And they always come true. We put our heart and soul into it, we align on our wishes, we have rituals around our wishes and we have shells we throw into the water and shells we bring home to remind us of those wishes.

As I write this I realize what a waste it is that we are not religious. We would be good prayers!

If we have one over loaming important wish we only make one, like last year when Bear missed his sports exam and we wanted him to get his place in the elite sports program (and he did!!!), but most years we make one wish per family member including my Mom. We both agree and wish the same thing and then get it done with a symbol of a rock and shell.

 

We also have one overriding wish each year which is more important than any other wish:

The health and happiness of our family and loved ones. And the wish that if illness has to happen that we and they have the courage and strength to get through with health and happiness.

For Beauty 2012

 

That we and she choose the right future for her in terms of her high school choice which will be made by next year. That we choose and that she is granted entrance in to the place that will be most happy for her, best suited. Where she will find joy, beauty, achievement and success. That it will be the right fit for this magnificent girl.

 For Bear 2012

 

That he will continue on this magnificent journey he is on in the last year. Of success, and kindness, and warmth and connection. Of living into his incredible potential and teaching us every day. To continue on this great journey he has begun and growth into the wonderful man he will become.

For Chase 2012

That we and he have the strength to continue to let him be free, and choose and show all of his wonderful capabilities. That we continue to have the strong belief we have in him and that he fully believes in himself. That he discovers in himself his passion and his amazing potential. That we gracefully allow our first child what is rightfully his: his independence and growth.

For my Protector 2012

 

That  with his probably new office….that his clouds turn to sunshine. That happiness in this last part of his career becomes his. That he finds the peace that belongs to him.

For Me 2012:

 

 

That I allow myself to be “retuned”. To grow into the unexpected and all that it has in store for me. To in the next decade make it really, really big in terms of my career and go for it with all of my strength, abilities and determination.

For my Heartbeat Mom

 

 

To realize her full full potential of happiness…if she has not already..and if she has to continue on that beautiful path.

Above all…..Health and Happiness. The only things that really matter above anything and everything else.

 

 

I love our wish walks. Our pioneer treks and our shell seeking here are probably one of my favorite experiences of life I have had up until now.  It bonds us, gives us hope, and provides us clarity and determination above anything and everything. The beauty of those waves and rocks and ocean and sky are magnificent.

And I know with certainty that all of our wishes will come true.