Busy?



Me having just said to a friend in the car on the phone how busy I am..and then realized I chose where to spend my time don't I????

 

My friend and I in Swiss discuss this concept often: Busyness is a myth.

We all have bills and laundry, jobs and kids. We all have aging parents and scrapbooks, and rooms to be renovated. We all have meals to make and sleep to be had. Skin to be moisturized and teeth to brush.

Some people have way way bigger problems in their lives and many more issues to deal with. Very likely all of us have had big issues at big parts of our lives at one point or another and some of us constantly

The fact remains:

Energy goes where attention goes.

Everyone is busy all the time. I am . You are. We all are. And we all love telling everyone else how busy we are (myself included!)

How are you???

Busy.

We all say.

In the last week I have attended 15 hours of school meetings and spent 4 hours in a Jacuzzi. I have planned out meals for 5 hours for the month and worked 10 hours in the evening for my company. I have spoken to my mom 6 hrs and slept an average of 6 hrs. a night. I have watched 5 hrs of movies and read for 16. I have worried about something about 2 hrs a day. I have attended yoga classes for three hours and done my own workout for 2 hrs. I have worked at work an average of 10 hrs. a day.

When I catch myself saying I am busy and hear others constantly proclaiming how busy they all are too I like to stop and think a bit about what I choose to do with my time. Because in the life of busyness we all choose and that is the exact point isn’t it?

The below snapshots give me a sense that I am still on the right track placing energy in good places. Reminds me that as out of control as I feel time is lately I am still making time for lovliness. All shots leading up to the three days before and after school stared three weeks ago.

 

What would life be like without saying we are busy?

I really truly have no clue. Do you?

 

 

InSync

With a bunch of friends this summer we all got to discussing what made our marriages tick? What was it about us a couples that really made it work with our partner? That kept us together? Made us unique as a couple?

This was an easy one for me.There are two areas that come to mind when it comes to Hubby and I. The first is our commitment to our family as a unit. We make decisions together, we align, we plan, we care about our family and their well being above and beyond anything in our lives. Our marriage in and of itself is a top priority and always has been. And secondly:....
 

Protector and I are completely in sync.

And this is what I love about us as a couple most. I adore it actually.

This weekend would be the perfect illustration of what I talking about. Three luscious days to ourselves while my Mom graciously watches over our kids in the city. We took a vacation day Friday and leave tonight at 5pm.

We do this every year early September for the last decade even at our other cottage. Every year in hopes of grabbing our last summer days for boating before our fall begins. For us there is a huge difference between summer weekends and fall weekends…summer relaxing…Fall the most  not relaxing ever.

So this weekend we had high hopes of the last summer weather and had no such luck. Cold and freezing, rain,wind. And we totally made the best of it. In sync like always. We love all the same things. Our perfect day is identical. In these vacation mode situations we are almost identical twins.

So here was our insync weekend. Friday had two naps on dock. Read. Went on computers. Watched movie on screened in porch. Went on computers. Read. Ate. Had yummy dessert. Had another nap. Went in Jacuzzi. Ate some food somewhere in between probably at midnight. Stayed in our pyjamas all day.

Saturday-wake up and go on computers in bed for two hours. Went for 3 hour walk and lunch to village in hike through forest. Came back and read on dock and had long nap until 7:30pm on bali bed with huge blankets on us. Watched movie outside with huge blankets on us and a heater. Had homemade chop suey for dinner. Went in Jacuzzi twice. Went to bed at 1am and decided we were not tired and read until 2:30am.

Sunday-took over two hours to wake up and say to each other over and over “wanna get up?”  “in 5 minutes”

Rest of day TBD. We actually broke our cardinal rule today of vacation of" don't do things that could stress us and ruin our relaxing time". And we did unsequester ourselves and now are paying the price with some bullshit of the external world. Oh well we live and learn. Sequestering next time.

Anyways we lead a strange lives when we relax. Completely out of sync with the rest of the world and completely in sync with one another. And during the weekdays we are 100 percent on schedule with the rest of the world and normal people. We present a united, organized, fairly put together front.

This is us and I would never wish it any other way. It's our personal brand together.

And that is what I love about us.

What is it about you and yours that makes you tick????????
 

 

Leaning In

No I did not make up this brilliant term. The COO of Facebook did and wrote a whole book about it that I just finished.

Loved it. Made me realize how hungry my mind is lately for new information. I have read a ton this summer but mostly teen stuff, work life balance stuff, marriage stuff, parenting stuff and lots and lots of fiction. I only read 3 business books this summer and my mind missed this arena to play in.

Once I finished the book last night…..I questioned what I have been “leaning into” the last 15 yrs. The answer was clear to me: My family (and close friends) and my career. In that order. Both.

Career wise I have much more potential than I actually feel I can demonstrate in fear of being promoted! I know that this sounds very very odd. I already have a very great management job and ton of authority and decision making power…but I could have more…I could do more…I know that. I think my company knows it too .But I hold back….If I could give you an analogy it feels like I put the brakes only own talent ..out of fear…out of knowing that if I take the brakes off this car is going to go really really fast and where would that leave my family?

In short I pretty much try to do it all. And I pretty much succeed in many ways. But there is a cost to it of course and that cost is becoming clearer to me lately.

I liked analyzing what I have been leaning into any why. With three young kids at home and a big pharmaceutical carer, coaching and writing a book it should be evident that my life is not easy to balance. So that in itself has been what I have been leaning into. Just trying to maintain balance in and of itself-reaching for some type of equilibrium which allows me to maintain my family values, nurture my marriage, be there for my kids and perform at a very good level in my career.

After reading this book I felt like it may be time to lean into something else. It ignited something in me….put fire in my belly.

And it was not coincidence that I read this book on that particular day (I had a day off Friday as a vacation day and Hubby and I at cottage just two of us and crappy weather but lots of relaxation and reading and sleeping, sleeping and sleeping).

Thursday was one of my top 5 days in my almost 9 yr career there. We had a quarterly huge meeting for the company like we always do with all the bells and whistles. It was soooooo inspiring and amazing. I felt like I was on cloud nine by the end of it. The patient testomonials, the social responsibility presentations, the introductions, the celebrations. All of it. What affected me most was that the President was presenting a big presentation he and I worked on a lot together and right before the presentation he took me aside and gave me some really really great feedback and told me that he respected me a lot. That I had displayed corporate courage the week before.

Gloating is the only word I can express that would adequately describe how I felt. So proud, full of adrelenine. Full of spirit and intellect and drive and happiness. All things I usually try to achieve within my family and often do. And sometimes I do not.

It’s time to lean in to where I am at at right now. Lean in. Go for it.Stop the brakes, put on the overdrive. Get more of that adrenaline feeling that I felt in that chair for those three hours and during the porc feta taco jungle juice celebration that ensued afterwards.

I love the part of the book where the author says that woman even years away from having a child often partially mentally check out of careers knowing what lies ahead from them in balancing family and career life. Even before they have a baby in their hands they are planning how to balance it all and give up opportunities, promotions, projects that could totally heighten both their careers and their psyches. Unless they have a stay at home husband at home (still very very rare) many woman massively put on the brakes of their own success and been their own fulfillment.

She asks what would you do in your career if you were not afraid.

God good question my dear.

Personally I try not to think about it much

What would I do? I am a corporate girl at heart..love the buzz..love the action, love the risks, the room for error, the accountability, the politics, the gossip. Love it all.

That I know.

But I am still afraid. Of what I am not sure? Of myself? Probably yes.

So I am going to try this leaning in thing for fit. Beginning next Wednesday precisely. Yes I am. Here I come.

And you know what as I lean in more, I nag less that is a fact. I am more relaxed too that is a fact. My kids are happier, the is a true fact. My husband is happier too-that is a real fact.

Last week for a wide variety of reasons I was out 5 nights in the evenings and home in time to tuck them all in bed. And it was a great week for them and for me. Would I want it this way all the time? Never! But it was ok for that week and for the week in two weeks when I am offsite and the week in 6 weeks where I have an event every evening either professional or personal. Yes it is!

It occurred to me last night.

Oh my god…I have grown my kids. Not fully grown and watered but well on their way. They are doing a whole lot of growing on their own now and when I am not there they know lunches need to be made and chores done and lists crossed off and what time (sort of plus an hour) to get into bed.

They do it their way. And there way is good enough isn’t it? They have my nagging voice so strongly in their heads it propels them to do at least half of what my expectations would have been if I had been there .And I leaned into them so much my dent is still there and has made its mark. I will still lean in for sure …….but maybe I also need something else to lean onto too?

This will be interesting. Really really really interesting.

What life would look ,like without the brakes on? Hmmmmmm……

It’s amazing where a day of reading and sleep and relaxation can take you isn’t it?

Terms of Endearment (CopyCat post)

I copied this from one of my BFF’s blog “Raising flowers and Skids” great blog check it out sometime soon!

She wrote a blog about nicknames and I liked the idea so here I go too.

It’s funny about nicknames-they have always been a huge part of my life so much so that I barely even realize when people call me other names than my own. Pretty much everyone who knows me has a nickname for me (except two of my closest friends!!! Nor do I for them..gotta fix that!)

I love nicknames. I give them to people too but not as often as they give them to me. Gotta fix that too.

 

Here they are for our family:

Tarina (me)

Pinkle (late Dad and brother) Baby Cheena (Mom) Trink (other brother, friends, uncle) Trinky (tons of people and my Mom too) Trouble (work nickname) BG (work nickname) Sweets (bearJ))))) instead of mom this is what he calls me  Mommy (Beauty and Chase still with the y at end) Sweetie/Pookie Bear/ Hon/Sweetie Pie/My Love/Bebe- (Hubby) Petal (Swiss BFF) LK (lots of people) Tarin (lots of people) Tari (Spanish people at work) Fancy Face (previous boyfriend of 4 yrs) Sistah (sister in law)

Let’s put it this way. Nobody calls me Tarina unless very angry with me. Except my two BFFss!!!!!!!!!! When I hear my name I barely respond. Some people at work call me Tarina but many call me Trouble or Tari or Tarin. Or make up some other random names for me along the way.

 

Chase:  Chase/ Coco/many other short forms of his names I will not list as don’t put my kids names on blog/peanut/dirtbag

Bear: Bear/Kirikou/ face de petes/ many short forms of his name/sweets/mini-me/dirtbag

Beauty: Beauty/reneesmee/trouble/lean bean/mean bean/bean/ green bean/princess/ma petit chouette/ cocotte/ her name-Girl/beachy-girl/dirtbag/crumpet/M&M

Hubby: My Protector, Sweetie, Hon, HON!!!!!!, Bobbie, Bob, Robbie, Mifi, HON!!!!!

So there we are.

I love terms of endearment. They make you feel so special. I realize now that I want to use them even more for the ones I love.

Each time I get an email from my brother it say “Hi Pinkle..or Hi Pink…and I feel good. My Mom calls me “Baby Cheena or Cheena so automatically that even in from of my colleagues she has done it! My collegue the other day forgot he was talking to me on a group email and called me "BG"

 

Love that Bear calls me Sweets. It started off as a joke and now is so natural. I love it

I call my kids lots of names often but not as much as I was called names. Whenever I write them texts or letters it is with their nicknames but in person probably half half.

We have has a lot of name issues in our family. I was named after a dog and name was legally changed age 1 ( from Tara)

Bear had his name legally changes 4 months after he was born as his hair turned blond.

Beauty added in a legal middle name at age 6 because she wanted her cubby called a certain name

I almost had “lollipop” as a middle name-then named after an animal for a while and ended up with Lauren Kate (long story there!!!) thankfully

I called my BFF on the phone as sort of a blind date because I liked the name “Leah” so much.

I always thought I would have three girls so had picked tons of girl names and hardly any boy names.

In conclusion..the other day I picked up Bear from school (grade 8) and a girl he knows comes up to me and said “I love his name…it is hot.”

Wow. Never thought I would hear that.

Terms of endearment.

Hot.

I am in love....

…with the place I work. Besides my great job I honestly just never ever have to leave the building to do what I need to get done.

Today in one day besides working I:

-Bought discounted movie passes for my son and his friend as a gift for saving Beauty at the mall!

-had my pharmacy delivered (medication, sunscreen and even a lipstick!)

-am going down for a 4:45pm yoga class

-ordered for the first time the new meal delivery service with 30% off!!! Yahoo!!!!! Will get this weekly 1-2 nights a week for $25 dollars for a family of five for a meal and the food is amazing and healthy

-ate the yummiest Asian stir-fry at lunch (like every day)

-was offered a special cupcake or cakpop almost around each corner (only had 1!!)

-and generally just like all the work I do,some of the people, and love my office too.

PS-and tomorrow for a "celebration" (Fall???) there is a big catering truck coming for a special meal and champagne at 4pm!!! OMG...almost 9 years here and I am starting to be very very very spoiled!!~!!!

Can't name the company-too bad!!!!

I today just looked at my life here and praised the lord I work at this beautiful place.

Imaginary World

 

I was reading an article in” Psychology Today” last night that really got me thinking about teens and technology. They really do live in a different world than we did when we were there age. It’s quite scary to think of the impact actually. Both positive but especially the negative side.

Remember when you were a teen and you heard at lunch that so and so got invited to so and so’s party last Friday night and you sat there feeling sad and rejected that you were not invited to that particular party? Well imagine teens today who have to hear and witness this every time they open Facebook or Twitter? Not only do they have to hear that they were not invited to their “friend’s" party but they have to see all the cool pics and videos posted by everyone who did attend. Everyone smiling and laughing and having a great time. This is fed to them almost every moment they open a computer or Phone (which is a lot).

And the worst part is that a picture and a caption are deceiving “We had an AMAZING time!!!!” Really? Are you sure? I heard you all ended up in jail?

So all that to see I think social media has a ton of benefits but can also be very hurtful.

With this blog even I have to catch myself and not alienate people. Sometimes I have the urge to say to a friend or family who ask me about a subject “Just read my blog of Aug 28 it is all explained there!!!” Then I catch myself with the absurdity of this expectation..the alienation…the stupidity!!! I have done it once or twice and regret it and feel ashamed.  

Or I feel guilty when I make time for my blog and not a phone call with a family member. Often I tell my Mom how busy I am and can’t have a chat in the evenings on the phone but I make time for my blog. We all make these choices of course..and prioritize, but the difference now is that these choices are public and known.They are visible and not invisible.

Even myself I find I have gotten hurt. One friend that I was very close to years ago never had any time to connect with me or any of her friends for that matter but always had the time to twitter “I am baking a cake” or blogging about every single moment of her life ever chance she got. It was very alienating for those people who were her real friends that she had many moments to connect with her cyber friends it seemed but never a spare moment to reach out to her real friends. That situation changed very quickly for her…as her cyber friends became her real friends, or so I heard.

And even reading people’s Facebook and blogs and tweets is sometimes so misleading. Honestly it has happened more than a dozen times I read a blog or a tweet a Facebook entry and then ask the person in more detail about the event and they describe it in such a different way. It looks like they are having the times of their lives!!! Look at this new baby!!! She is wonderful!!!! Smiles everywhere! Sibling cuddling her! Etc!!! Then you go for a little visit the same day as the tweet and seems like all hell is breaking loose-the brother is crying-the baby is not sleeping-the mom has not showered (except for her instragram post). Then after you leave she tweets about what an AMAZING day it has all been with your visit. Really? Was I there when that all happened?

Social media is fake to a certain degree and it bugs the crap out of me.

And I do it too of course (by blogging as won’t use social media) sometimes I read back to my blogs and as authentic as I want them to appear sometimes they are too overly optimistic or too negative even. It is hard to capture life. What is often captured are fleeting moments that I feel inclined to capture at that moment for whatever reason.

The other day I called a friend to ask her how her son’s first week of high school was and she said “Too bad you are not on Facebook I posted all about it!” I get it. I understand. But it still hurt. I guess I am old fashioned. I never did get to hear about his week nor did I have time to create an anonymous Facebook account as suggested. But I get it…I am backwards and she is forwards. I hold no grudges.

I have never gotten a Facebook account.(sometimes I use my kids ones to check out stuff) Nor do Tweet. I have this blog but 99% of my comments come through email through people I know or clients or colleagues. What I have realized about blogging is that if you want followers you have to follow a bunch of blogs out there and comment and comment and comment. Usually in a way like “Wow! Beautiful! Fully agree!!!”

I wonder what happens on blogs if you don’t agree? Do they stop following yours?

Not for me right now in my life. Any of it. Facebook. Commenting (except on people’s blogs I know).Tweeting. The time I have I want for my real friends. Call me old fashioned and backwards..I probably am. I am probably missing out somehow.. on something. I like personal.

There is something about this all that makes me feel sad and lonely for the world. And therefore sad and lonely for the world my kids are growing up in.

And I will likely join all of this one day. Maybe one day soon in fact. When my book is published I will need too. When I need my blog to be more popular than 100 readers daily. When I become lonely one day and don’t have enough real friends or my friends are all too busy for me. When I have a niche or a reason to want to attract many many people around the world to my subject. When I  am retired and have more time. When I am an empty nester and have a need to reach out. If ever I was divorced I would jump on this stuff. I guarantee you I will join all this and probably find all the joy and happiness that others find in it.

But until that time comes whether it be a day a month or a year or a lifetime away, I will be content picking up the phone and having a wonderful discussion with my Mom, my Bff’s, my people.

Already texting has become a way of life for me and part of that makes me profoundly sad. Texting has replaced the phone in a lot of ways. That being said it has never ever replaced seeing someone in person for me. Not even close. Or replacing long phone calls with those that are too far to see close often enough. That being said sometimes now when I have to make a phonecall for whatever reason I feel nervous..I am not used to it anymore. Sad. Feels sort of like how to play a record vs a DVD.

The day that my virtual friends (I have none now but maybe I will one day) become even a fraction as important as my real friends be that in time, energy or space in my life…for me I will feel very very sad. Depressing even to think of it.  But such is the reality for so many people I know and maybe even my kids. And none of them seem the least bit bothered ort sad. There is a part of this that I don’t understand. A part I don’t  get. Can someone share why this is so appealing to so many?

I think right now I have one friend/family member who is very disconnected from the virtual world. To the point that it actually is inconvenient. Very hard to reach her, speak to her, get info from her. More than once I am cursing her in my head when I need something or wanting from her and I can’t get it. But then she gives it to you..reaches out..is there in the most present of ways. Totally. When you are with her she is not distracted by her phone, or her email. When you need her she will make time no matter what. When something is important she will find her way to you-guaranteed. Sometimes I wish she was more reachable daily. And then I remind myself why she is not. And I smile. And admire her for this ability to be so utterly present in real life.

And I know I will not be like her. That time will come for me to join the fully modern world as the only way to have something sell these days or be known it through social media, blogging, and the virtual world. And one day I will need to be fully known and I will become a social media fanatic to get there. But I won’t like it. But I will be smart enough to do it anyways.

On my journey of authenticity in life all of this does not seem to belong much. Be much. I don’t want people nodding their head in agreement with me all the time-making me believe my life is AMAZING!~and PERFECT~ and WONDERFUL!

I want life. All of it. The good, the bad , the ugly. All. I want real friends and family and wonderful feedback and constructive feedback.

I want true love to surround me. And as old fashioned as it may sound-I don’t think you can get it on a tweeting a sentence. On a caption. Maybe one day I will be converted but for now I am not.

I want to live in a real world.

Not an imaginary one.

Lighthouses

Tall and strong. High up in the air.

Getting to see from afar what you may not be able to see closer to the ground.

Letting you play in the waves-have fun and frolic

Reeling you in and providing light when you are in danger

Nor being afraid to shine upon you

Looking at you and guarding you from high above-keeping watch

Providing gentile light when needed and being there when it really matters and even when it does not matter

In the daytime being a beautiful piece of history people climb and visit and take pictures of

Being a symbol of strength and light and wonder

Knowing the lighthouse will continue standing through the years. Be strong. Be there.

Will weather will the the storms but never fade. Will continue standing and providing the most beautiful of light.

In big moments, small moments, everyday life

The lighthouse always stands

Your light…

Your lighthouse

Choosing to shine upon you.

Letting the light in.

Letting yourself to strive to become the light

Showing you what it means to shine

One day

Soon.

Last night we spent a really special evening with some really special people.

As they left with their three babes  at 12:30 am it reminded us so much of when our kids were that young age (5,3,1) and when we would go to friends’ homes, put our kids to bed in playpens at 7:30pm and then have the evening to spend with the adults,. Then wake them up at 12:30am and take them home. All so well sleep trained that this was perfectly ok and a ton of fine.

Soulkeepers kids are like this too (thanks to her and her Hubby and all the training, consistency and structure they provide) I looked back with good memories and fondness when I saw them leaving with their lids…….it reminded me so much of us. That they have such a rich family life but also just a rich life in general.

We invited Soulkkeeper, her Hubby and three kids for a special evening at Trent. We have been thinking over the last year what a major influence they have become in our parenting of teens and were wanted to underline that role they are playing and continue to play. We used the symbol of a “Lighthouse “ to reflect the evening and it’s importance to us.

After their kids went to bed we had a dinner with our three kids and them that lasted a couple of hours. We shared with our kids how this family has help be a lighthouse to us over the last 5 yrs. and watch out for us and we navigate our ways in the water. We shared with them how being a parent has so many invisible steps that they don’t see (the anxiety, the worrying the big decisons made) and that these two people as a parenting team have helped us guide our children. We talked about Chase and Concerta and all the research we did, we talked about Bear’s surgery and him not getting into the sport program initially because of it and the advice and direction and celebration they provided us. We talked about Beauty and the way Soulkeeper has helped me access certain parts of myself and herself as mother and daughter. Then Protector marked a toast and really beautifully thanked them both for the support they have provided in the last couple of months behind the scenes to me with some struggles he has been dealing with. This was a wonderful example for our kids to see how adults can struggle too (like all of us!) and how they need friends. How confiding weaknesses and not just strengths is how you can access the best in your friendship.

Sun and clouds. Both. Sharing it all.

It was an amazing discussion and although our three kids very quiet and silent most the time they were very very engaged almost like sponges Soulkeeper said absorbing it all in.

Then Soulkeeper said some beautiful things and so did her Hubby. He really talked a lot about me and my parenting and how much I was devoted to both the short and long terms happiness of my kids. It actually brought tears to my eyes how he described me-how he saw me. And that he shared this with my kids. It felt so wonderful to hear myself described in that way. It actually shocked me, and touched me on a profound and deep level.

And then we enjoyed the rest of our evening. The kids went to watch a movie and play on ipads and we just talked and talked and talked. Mainly girls and guys seperate. Me and Soulkeeper went on the dock and talked and went into Jacuzzi and the guys sat and drank wine all night on the porch and talked about boats and fish.

It was an important night for me and one where we really celebrated a role that might be seen as invisible for our kids as they don’t really understand what goes on behind the scenes and bought it to life for them. They got to see a lot about friendships and love and have it articulated to them which are rare for teens.

They got to have the vision of a Lighthouse stuck in their minds. They got to see love in action. They go to see that when something is important to me I make it important to them. They got to see that when it comes to teens it is damn hard!!! And that I need serious help!!! Soulkeeper and Hubby are both specialists in teens. Worked for years and years with troubled boys in juvenile detention etc. They are a massive source of knowledge and support and I basically go to them –tell them my problems and let them tell me exactly what to do!!! Love this. this was my method when kids were little too-look at someone who knows what they are doing, read a lot and make sure you agree and let them tell you what to do-Works wonders as far as I am concerned!

Nothing changes. Their family remains what they have always been. It was simply articulated in words which I think is something that in life we all don’t do enough of. Take the time to bring out what is inside.

Make time to tell people how very important they are to us and how they have impacted your lives in such special and meaningful ways.