Ya Ok Whatever.

We have had some chemistry me and this boy. Or so I thought anyways.

Nothing meaningful just playful flirting here and there. Harmless of course given that he is 23 and I am 42. He is a boy. But definitely a flirty one.

I mean when you are a male massage therapist and look like that it is bound to happen that you flirt with some of your client’s right? And that they kind of think you are flirting with them?

I mean it is kind of intimate to be beneath a cover while soft music is playing and one of you is rubbing done the other right? It’s all perfectly harmless and kosher since it is a massage-but still a little electricity passed between us the last few massages with my wedding ring bound tightly around my finger. Or so I thought.

Every time he greets me he touches me. He pushes the hair from my face. When he says the massage is over he whispers it into my ear in a special way. Or so I thought.

I usually ask for a woman I prefer there as she actually gives better massages. But sometimes if I feel my ego needs a little boost I will ask for himJ I mean after 18 yrs. of marriage this is normal I think?. I wouldn’t have anyone to ask as I don’t even know anyone who has been married this long to one person! (hardly anyways)

Well my ego was not boosted this time I tell you.

So I arrive and the usual “HI….you looks really pretty today!” And then he touches my arm and smiles in my face. Nice..really nice.

Then:

There is this woman behind me who is so old she even had the graciousness and manners to open a door for me when we walked in at the same time. I mean you have to be pretty gown up to remember to do that right? Kindness is a learnt skill after all.

And he looks at this Woman and says to ME “Is this your daughter?”. And goes to shake her hand!!!!

My daughter? Are you friggin blind????? She is about 28 yrs old for crying out loud? And taller than me? How they hell did you want little old me to deliver that woman???????

Is this some kind of joke????

 

All the electricity ended there. Wham! Gone! I had my massage but I ignored him the whole time.

Didn’t you know little boy that I come here specifically to have my ego boosted. And you crush me? Little itdiot!!! What did you think-I had a kid at 3 yrs old? Most people find it hard to believe I gave birth to my 12 yr old daughter (and my 14 yrs old..and my 16 yr old)…and YOU have the audacity to think I am older than my age when I was even wearing my cutest youngest outfit just for you???

Dumb silly boy.

And I gave him no tip.

Bye bye little stupid blind boy.

Go home to your mama and drink your bottle.

Maybe if I were the slight bit religious  I  would think that the Heavens were punishing me for having unpure thoughts-but hey….I just think I am being punished in general. For being 42yrs and still thinking I am 22 yrs.

 

Anyways it’s HIM that needs to be punished.

Bad bad boy.

 

Diversity and Staying the Same

Is this my bebe?

The five girls-bonds still strong as ever

Father daughter dance at grad

Today is our daughter’s graduation from primary school. This morning her ceremony with certificates and awards and then tonight the “balle” with candy, drinks, fancy dresses and hairstyles. This school does this really really well. The parents are invited to come and watch the last slow dance too-that is the best part! We can get a head start on beating up the boy whose hands are all over our daughterJ

But what I realized as I watch my last bebe accept her certificates is how different kids are from each other at school and also how so many things are similar and stay the same in life. I also realized how different my daughter and I are in so many ways.

She won an award too. One voted by the classmates

Quite frankly I didn’t know if I should clap or cry.

“Most In the Know and Gossip”

Ok. Congrats?

Thank goodness she also got recognized officially for all the volunteer work she does at the school with younger children (most of her lunch hours actually!)

What stayed the same today are her friends. The five of then. How many pics do I have of them in exactly the same pose? Each year looking more mature and more beautiful? Leaning in as the girls seem to want to be as short and petite as humanly possible. Today I forced them to stand up straight just so my cameras would get a little different pose. Those girls are like glue. And wonderful and amazing. Many many other friends too-but this five is the five it has always been-through thick and thick. I love watch and everyone from the corners of my heart and they know it. And our journey continue as each and every one accepted to same dance program in high school (near impossible statistically since only 1-10 gets in. Leave it to these girls!

always leaning in to make sure they are as petite as possible!! Crazy girls!

And I also saw how different kids are from each other in terms of the three graduating classes. Some into fashion, others into band, some books, some violin, some sports. Some leaders, other followers. They are all unique and all wonderful. I love the diversity of it all. I love that each parent is proud of something different that they created and grew in their unique child.

And today I really saw my daughter. I realized how different we are today. I accepted it..and even embraced it a bit. Often I resist it as we can clash-but today I saw it all and embraced it.

Our temperaments are night and day. She is very reserved on many levels, aloof often and much much shyer and introverted than she lets on. She is quiet when spoken too by others, graceful,  contained, creative, confident and on a mission to save the world. She is fearless, strong, brave, and courageous and stands on her own. She is way more peer oriented than family oriented. She belongs to the world. They follow her in many ways. She bosses the world around and is adored for it (ok I boss people too!)

And tonight a paradox-totally unreserved and uninhibited when she is around friend or kids her own age. A paradox of a puzzle . she really has two sides of herself……two places she accesses deep inside. She has a private persona and a public persona. Both her. She is the life of the party, the leader, not shy in the least, totally totally out there for the world to see. Adoring and adored.

The words she got today from her class as each child died: Brave, Funny, Fearless.

That’s her. I still have not really been able to figure her out fully. So different  than the two boys. Unbelievably different.

She is a puzzle. And a very very popular one.

Who gossips a lot and knows everything about everyone-who gives most of her time to helping others and is friends with everyone. A puzzle who slow dances with boys and wears short skirts even with a brace.

A puzzle that will continue to shock us, and amaze us. And sparkle quietly, loudly, softy, boldly with grace and courage.

A girl who can alienate us to no end…..make us sad….love us and cherish us…push a boy in a wheelchair around the dance floor all night to ensure he has a good time at grad…..not say the proper thanks for a beautiful gift……make an entire room sparkle in her class with her ease and grace and jokes….refuse to hug us…sit on our laps for endless hours…make shy boys feel amazing about themselves…..toss her brothers aside and pick them up again when it works for her. Inspire inspire inspire by her strength. .

Fearless.

Sparkling

Confidant

Today I knew…our daughter is not our bebe for long. She will Give her heart to the world.  Hope she does good things out there…because one thing I know for sure? They will follow her.

 

officially graduated from this stage of her life

walking towards their futures hand in hand,,,highschool all together in dance

Beauty and Didi:))

me and my girl

I made them all stand up straight and be proud:) I love each of these beautiful unique girls and wish them everything they deserve in life. Beautiful wonderful group

Picturless June

We took not a single picture this month (ok two)

 This whole weekend either

Unusual for both of us. Peaceful too.

I think the lack of picture taking was a reflection of both our last few months..pure exhaustion. Time left in us for pleasure-but pictures too over the top.

Between us since we saw each other last: a major heart attack of one spouse, major major life changes of the other, a daughter with scoliosis, a son with 24 stiches, a sister with scary test results and possible surgery, a mom with a concussion  and life changing symptoms, a sprained ankle, a sopena ,and on and on and on this tragic list goes  (very sad actually )

And that list does not even include any normal life of having a combined 8 kids. The winners of school competitions and awards, the complaining, the great test results and the failed ones, the tween years, the teen years, the chauffeuring, the sports competitions. Life. Normal hectic crazy life not even counted as it is just a fact.

Two women with big careers we are Sister Savvy and I. And big roles of Moms. We balance it all. We try to have it all-and usually succeed. The last few months have been a serious test for both of us.

And this weekend we got together and had a blast. The heavens shined on us with I think our first time of gorgeous hot sunshine. We boated and tubed, and ate and chatted, Fell asleep on the bail bed and at icecream. Watched Dragons Den and ate spaghetti and sugar pie. Lots of fruit and whole wheat bread.

We may not have a picture but we have good memories. My favorite of this weekend was happy hour and the question Josh asked “What quality do you admire most about each person around the table?”. There were a lot of people around the table…it took long..but was so with it.

I loved the adjectives I got and what I heard about others. It lifted my heart  and won’t forget about what all those kids said about me for a good long time-made me feel that whatever I am doing-must be good. I felt as good for everybody as we all praised each other’s individuality. I loved hearing the adjectives everyone got-it was amazing.

Bear was not hereL that was sad for me….hard. He had a regional flag football game in Quebec and coincided with this special event. At least he was with us Friday night at our pool for pizzas and sushi. But I missed him-I think we all did. It was great to have this weekend with our buddies though. It started off the summer in just the right way for me. This family feels like family to us in many ways and on so many levels. We have all been through so much....and felt right to be with each other to celebrate that we are all still here on this earth!!!! They are a very special family to us and we intend to live all our good an bad moments together-that is for sure.

 

The fun continued as Beauty had ped day Monday so I had a second set of friends come up Sunday night and my mom two while they boys all went home. Childhood Wonder and her daughter and Soulkeeper and her two daughters-and my Mom. It was fun to spend time with these little kiddies all under 6 yrs old and to spend some time as adults the night before late into the evening. It made me realize too how exhausting it is to have little kids-sometimes I can’t believe I did this three times!!!

It was a gorgeous and hot day Monday and we swan in the lake a few times-ate a delicious and healthy lunch and lots of jumps and dances on the trampoline. I cheated and took two pictures this time around as could not resist these little cuties but I was very happy to be pictureless most  the times and continue on the tradition. By the end of the day I felt myself happily spent from all our weekend guests and tons of fun. I loved having my childhood friends at my cottage with me with our own children and my mom. It was really really special. I may have been a bit quiet as I find myself lately very introspective after the 6 months I have had–but I soaked all the happiness in nevertheless. These special girls......are my girls forever -and so are their beautiful children.

The fun continued at our annual Sweetheart and Holiday pool party in the city. This year I had not planned it-but Sweetheart happily reminded me it is a summer must-so I listened to her. The whole gang of us with kids is 15 people and did this last week after work from 6:30-9:30 pm and was a great night. It felt like home is the only way I can express it. These are our gang. They always have been and always have been. Through thick and thin-through martinis, magrharitas  and ginger ale and rootbeer. Having three couples together and a bunch of kids who have never missed a single event in 12 yrs. says a lot. A whole lot. It’s actually short of a miracle our commitment to our time spent as friends. We never ever miss a beat. These people love us from the bottom of their hearts. Our kids are as close as cousins.They are not the girls I call daily or weekly  (and sometimes I do but not always!) as with my other BFF's...but they are our gang and we get together without fault at least 6 times a year for big special events as a whole group. There are constant books and shoes that we trade throughout the year hanging at our front doors, notes of encouragements when things are going wrong or right, and Mr sweetheart even loves us enough he s letting us use his boat or a night this week. They are as constant as milk in the fridge..year after year. I never thought I would have a group like this of three couples and all the kids in my life...it is a true true blessing.

I can’t believe I almost did not plan our annual pool party. Because of silly things. I am so happy Sweetheart feels comfortable enough to tell us off. We had the same time we always do: Fun and Carefree. Nothing ever changes that. Our relationship with them is nothing short of a “Friends episode” Truly. We are so blessed. Still not a single picture

Then June finished off with Indian this week with Soulkeeper. Great talks about our loves, our kids, our worries, our joys and our fears. I feel so safe with this girl as she does with me-it is such an unbelievable gift. There is no topic or feeling off limits or that needs to be phrased right, there is no subject I feel I need to talk less about or more about. And the same goes for her. We provide each other guidance, advice the truth, thought love and gentle love. I loved being loved this unconditionally and I love loving someone this unconditionally She truly takes care of my soul. And I knew I needed to meet her this week:

To show her Beauty’s video. Her scoliosis journey so far that was made into a short documentary of sorts. It did not feel real until I knew she watched it.

We sent it out a week earlier to many of our friends and families and the responses were all so heartwarming-we have honestly never felt so loved in our lives. It’s amazing the reaction such a short clip can provoke in people. I saved all of these beautiful responses. But I did not send it to SoulKeeper because I wanted to show her at lunch.

So after the resto we went to my minivan and pressed play. And it was silent…and silent as she watched. And for some reason even though I have not cried watching it the other 25 times I saw it-I cried this time. With her. Behind my sunglasses. At the end she cried and cried and cried. I was not sure if it was from sadness or happiness-but it was for me and from her heart. And we talked and cried about it. Mostly because she shares my life with me in so many ways and I share hers. She saw the strength and the pain, and the courage that this ordeal is..and how as much as I try to keep it under wraps..it is there. There is just nothing like having no control over what is happening to your child. I am not even sure there are adequate words to describe it. It is a heavy feeling that never leaves us. It is hard to watch your child have to struggle in this way and I am not sure I will ever get used to watching.

She got me.

Like always.

She made space for me.

Like always

And that is how I will remember June 2014. A month of beautiful friendships. Blessed we are to have all these good people in our lives. June 2014 has been a hard one for me too-but I am happy that I spent this tie with all our friends. Accepting us for where we are at. Patiently waiting for as long as it takes.

Through good times and bad

With our without pictures.

No I don't Text while I drive!

Over the last few months this conversation and question has come up often in my circles of friends and colleagues…how to “cut down” on texting while driving. I have been asked my strategy or opinion and how I handle?

Mine is easy: I don’t’ do it Ever.

I think once in January I looked at a text and glanced at it quickly at a red light as my son called and said he thought my daughter was missing! And even with that I felt guilty.

I don’t think there is anything more dangerous and unnecessary.

And it includes red lights, stop signs etc. for me. I donrt care if the phone is on alert, off alert or anything else. It can wait. It is one of my hard limits in life.

Once in a while if I hear the buzz and feel inclined to answer I will pull over to a parking lot and take a look-but that is rare. In the car I am content to listen to AM 800 CJAD or listen to music or just take a few deep breaths and think and breathe.

 

I do speak on the phone (always on hand’s free speaker phone) once in a while but only if I am very clear on how to get to my destination and never take stressful or work calls. Once in a while I speak to my family or friends on way home-but even this I find risky as breaks my concentration and so am not proud of it. But I do it seldomly but not seldomly enough. My hubby gets really angry if I speak in the car on the phone-he thinks super dangerous.

 

My teens when they start driving (Chase gets his official learner’s permit tomorrow!) will also be taught NEVER to text and drive. If I catch them literally they would be grounded for a lifetime and never drive again while living under my roof.

 

As far as I am concerned there is absolutely no justification to puit many lives set risk around you (and your own and your passengers) in order to check what your friends are doing on Friday night. I text many many many places (especially in the passenger seat). But in the driver’s seat is not one of them

Please be Over Soon?

I feel so sorry for my boys these days. They have no life. All they do is study. Finals are over at the end of this week and have been going on for two weeks straight. Poor them.

There are many upsides to private French high school-but this is not one of them. It is a downside. They study and study and study and study especially near finals three times a year. In between it is more reasonable for sure but there is never a weekend that there is not at least 5-6 hrs. Minimum of homework and study.

I tell my kids everyday almost that I could never ever have done what they are doing now….it takes real devotion and really hard. In two languages too.I was smart –but could not have done that. But sometimes I wish I did and was pushed more. I wish I would have been head of surgery or something..I think I could have been pushed a lot more.(also I would have needed to like science and blood!)

We knew this going in. We always dreaded the year that we would have all three at the school together and all three in programs. Don’t get me wrong it is the best opportunity ever and we are blessed but the amount of work for them and for us to admistrate this is huge. It’s a huge commitment.

Next year is the year. Both boys in sports and Beauty in dance. It’s almost a full time job to administrate. And a double full time job for them to actually pass a year.

But it is all worth it and that is what I keep telling myself and my husband reminding me of. The education they are receiving is outstandingly incredible. The skills, the academics, the environment, cutting edge technology, the sports etc. and it literally keeps them out of trouble-they are way way too busy for trouble! Let’s hope that sticks right until the end. So far so good!

And don’t get me wrong I don’t think they will have any superior education in an of itself than any other school. For me what they are getting is life skills, values, SUPERVISION (aka my 10 grader is not allowed off property for lunch etc.) For me this is gold as a career mom and I need this like oxygen..

And one thing I have realized about my kids is they are very very autonomous and independent (thank god as I could not handle more of the load than I have). Five people I know in the last 2 weeks have told me that they do homework with their high school aged kids and study with them for all their exams. I would literally kill myself if I had to do that. Plus I am simply not smart enough!!! What the kids study is way way above what Hubby and I know! For real! And hubby went to law school!

So study habits my kids have that is for sure. They are so self-sufficient I have no clue (unless I ask) what they are working on, when things are due, etc. It has been a work in progress but we have arrived at our destination of academic independence. Beauty will need a bit of support in organizing her agenda and schedule for the tornado that will hit her next year with the transition from public primary to private secondary-but she has seen her brothers go through this before so a bit easier for her to adjust I am guessing.

Anyway I can’t wait until this week is over! And the kids are free! And they can do chores again! And we can laugh and swim! And we can all eat together! We have raised such academic focused kids at this point that studies come before everything. We beg them to take breaks and it is no no no during exams!!!! They are relentless.

Let’s hope it all pays off somehow. Who ever knows really eh? I don’t think it’s for their future careers really as much as I think it is for the well being and safely as teens. The teen world is a rough one..I am glad to have my kids locked up and studying and doing sports and dance almost all the timeJ  and when they go out..they are thinking about getting home early to sleep to start over again the next day.

Welcome Soon summer!!!! Yay!!!!

 

Domestic Mess

At least once a year I go all out with my domestic goddess bit.

Father’s day is no exception. I make homemade millefeuille, I make a nice brunch of cheese dreams, and I wash all the sheets even though they were washed last week to smell the lemony freshness. I start folding and organizing and  trying to enjoy this stuff that seems to come naturally to so many women I know.

A today I was rather enjoying it. My millefeuilles Saturday night were a huge success with the full lobster dinner. This morning I had my daughter by my side happily chopping up onions and bacon for our cheeses dreams. While it was all cooking I decided to throw on a load of laundry-humming to myself. I felt like a normal lady. A normal woman. I mean I was even humming for crying out loud!.

And I thought-“this is actually ok. I am actually ok at this.”

 

And then I hear the fire alarm go off and the alarm company calls. Jesus why every time I cook does something have to friggin burn? I mean are we ladies supposed to sit beside the oven and watch it every second or something? Is there no multitasking allowed in this domesticity? I simply don’t get it.

Then about 20 minutes later the washing machine starts going crazy and vibrating and shaking and the full bottle of detergent from COSTCO falls off of it and onto the floor and there is a huge soapy mess! Did this ever occur to me when I did not screw the cap on tightly enough that my machine was a beast?

So of course instead of my family thinking I am a domestic goddess (which I really was today)-they think “there goes mommy messing it all up again in the house when she attempts some of these regular tasks.”

My husband truly was not joking when he said that if he wants to hide something from me all he needs to of it put it in the washing machine. One can be assured that if my husband is cheating on me I will not be going through his pockets when I wash his pants. He is lucky if I pick up his pants from the drycleaner to be honest. I actually think my eldest son has not washed his uniform school pant all year-and sadly I don’t even think this is a joke.

Anyways my cheese  dreams were really really yummy even if they were black on the bottom. I wasn’t too offended that most people just ate what was on top and left the bread for the garbage. And my laundry really did smell good-and so did the whole basement given that the floors had tons of lemon soap on them.

I was just so aggravated...I mean how hard it it to juts pretend you are domestic for a day? Am I an idio savant or something? I mean I was even bloody humming and actually getting some pleasure from all of this. Can't I be rewarded for that at least?

And then our lawn mower broke today (not my fault thank god) and then for some reason I just got really overwhelmed by the amount of dishes there were this weekend. I ran the dishwasher 7 times in two days and really felt like taking an Ativan because of this. Why does lobster need such a high pot to die in anyways?

And it’s not like I was super talented at my day job this week either. Usually I can fall back on that one. What a hot mess I am this week ladies. Seriously. Usually in the area of self-confidence I am not lacking-but this week?-man o man…..seriously I wouldn’t marry me if I was forced to by gunpoint.

So that’s it-I tried my best yet again. And sure there are many many things I do well-but right now I can’t think of any. Even the human beings I produced all farted and burped all weekend…so what is so magnificent in my upbringing of them anyways?

Another father’s day has passed and I have no clue how to cook a roast beef, grow basil, park a boat or mop a floor. And worse? I have no desire to learn and no intention to change.

 

And…to top it all off ….not only do I still have families of racoons attacking me in the city home-now I have ducks at the cottage who used to be so serene and calm jumping from the water into my lap to cuddle with me out of the blue.

Please animals-go away- I  don’t  even really like you. Often I just pretend to think you are really cute to feel more part of the normal human race.

And ps- why do grade 6 graduations decorations need to be made by hand anyways? Just makes the rest of us pathetic non crafty-disinterested moms look even lamer in front of our children.

Goodnight. This post which I am sure you will find humorous is really depressing me. I am good at sleep-so time to shut my eyes and get back to Monday tomorrow where I can actually feel successful in my life again.

Authentic

I have about a dozen blog posts half written right now. Stuff about our special weekend with our guests and Bff’s from Toronto, another visit with “the little girls” at the cottage, blogs about the dangers of texting while driving and my Mindfulness course I graduated from now.

 

And I will finish them. But not today.

This week has been a long week. I have had so much work at work that it is almost unimaginable to describe. Very short sleeps and very long days both in a physical and in an emotional way.

And what I realized so much this week is how under stress-I have very much shifted. There has been an important change in me and one worth noting.

I can live in the grey zone. Finally. Fully. I did it at wok this week under a very tense situation and I did it at home this week too in another tense situation. Neither was black and white and neither will be solved anytime soon I am guessing. Both very very very stressful and both very complex and packed with ambiguity.

And I did well! Really well. But most importantly..it was not a big effort for me.

And I felt my feelings and expressed them too in the way I needed too. Not trying to please but in a way that was authentic to myself. Sadness was sadness. Anger was anger.


(I have even been able to tolerate huge families of racoons running around me in my bali bed in the yard in the evenings-and I don't really give a damn anymore. Something has shifted for certain)

I think it is mainly the mindfulness course I completed. More expensive and time consuming than any other course I have committed to outside of work and not as good as I expected in some ways-but mind blowing in other ways. All in all although I resented going a lot-I always came out richer in my soul.

The five most important things I learnt over 8 weeks are:

1-To parallel park my minivan downtown

2- To understand that suffering is always optional

3-To be much less reactive to people in tough situations. To be responsive but not reactive and not feel like I have to solve issues necessarily which often are beyond my control

4-To learn it felt good to pursue this course on my own and commit to it. It was a new stage for me in a weird kind of way.

5-Most importantly although I got a lot from the course it really made me realise that breaking my “formula” is not good for me or family. We have our routines and structure in place that work for a reason for over a decade now and not being home in last 8 weeks often 3 nights a week all together has just been too much for me. I am always running to get stuff done, running to have all of us together, running to connect etc. although the course was great never again will I be scheduling something on a regular basis like this. I had a winning formula for me and family for schedule and I stuck to it like glue for years.. and I broke it this time-and paid for it greatly. Too hectic and chaotic and not the family life I want to have  to be out so often for work or courses. I felt like I have only a limited number of family dinners and times and nothing is worth sacrificing that.

I learnt to stick to my formulas but yet I learnt to live in ambiguity too.

Which is important? Only time will tell and only the Universe knows right?

But for now after a hard week-I feel ambiguous and fully authentic.

And proud of my ability to handle both.

And in between still keep smiling. For real. And to cry for real because I should cry. It’s time for it to all come to the surface.

Happiness is within me always. I feel it so much in the grey zone. It’s in my books and my walks, in my shiny blond hair and my bright red sweater. It’s in the way I speak and laugh with my son’s first girlfriend and the way I am grateful for the little things in life like my sprained ankle feeling a lot better than it did a week ago.

Happiness for me is there in authenticity

And full authenticity will lead me to great places if I let it

I have no idea where my path is-the path is grey.

And I am happy enough with that.