Recovery

Recovery can mean so many different things at different times. It can be the convalescence period after a surgery…or the period of time when someone gives up alcohol, or it can me the healing from a broken heart.

It means all these these. And all of them have in common self nurturing vnd cocooning from the outside world in a way.

Recovery for me has always meant mostly a weekly or weekend ritual. Where I recover my energy and am ready for the Sprint again on Monday. Weekends are where I re-energize. Not to say I don’t run around like mad half the time, or have a million things to do and see and get done. But if I do not have at least one day and night on weekend to relax or do what I love doing (even if that means running around?) I don’t feel like I have recovered.

My work is very demanding and stressful. I adore it, but it is not a career for a slacker. It never ever stops. High pressure and high demands. High performance and high workload. Let’s just say I need recovery like most people need alcohol or coffee (I drink neither).

And this week on Monday I looked at my week and thought” how is this possible?” I was scheduled every moment of everyday and every night. My brother was arriving Thursday evening for a 36 hr visit and I wanted all my stuff done my then to be fully there with him…but I had so much to cram in..it seemed impossible! And then after his visit a 7am carpool to the Olympic basin for kayak and Bear….when would I ever have time to recover or even breathe? But so so so worth it as my brother was coming. I am good at recovery-but even better at prioritizing. People I love and love spending time with always always come first. Top of my list are my family and friends and our relationships . Relationships (important ones) always come first.  

So I set my week and hoped for the best.

And then my Mom got sick. As in really sick- and ended up in emergency for more than 24 hrs. Part of the time I was madly texting her. And part of the time I was there. Basically for 24 hrs time stood still. I of course got nothing done. Nothing. My Mom was on my mind literally day and night.

And now she is miracoulously ok! A big big medical mystery. But she is ok and that is what is important.

And somehow? I still got to see my brother just as planned …I got to go to the kayak competition and I got to come here to Trent with my Hubby and daughter and relax and recover. That is how important recovery is to me. I won’t give it up-even in the craziest week and missing 24 hrs. Anything else except for recovery and relationships has to wait.

Nothing could make me miss the beautiful sun and weather and fall foliage this weekend here at the cottage. (Except if my mom had been still too unwell of course) Chicken soup for the soul. The almost blinding orange and yellow and warm air. The trees and leaves as mountains with the hot hot sun.

We got here late afternoon and nearly ran down to the lake and boat. Beauty and I had naps on the boat and Hubby stretched out and put his face up to the warm light.

Chase was at home. Spending the day with his girlfriend (not allowed at house alone of course since we are away) so were down at the lake and he was sending me beautiful pics and chatting with me by text. He and his girl went downtown for the day to an upscale cool chocolate restaurant, and then down to the lake for a couple of  hours and now spending the evening at a friend’s house. He is growing so much. I am proud of him.

And Bear…Bear…in the race today we did not recognize our own son. Who is that athlete at the Olympic basin??? Wth the flexed upper-body and dark hair (I thought he was blond!) What an amazing guy with an amazing supportive fun smart clean group of friends.

And Beauty.Social butterfly. Slept at a new friend’s house with all new girls from high school. It’s only been 4 weeks and she has a whole slew  of new friends. She had 6 hrs of sleep and is now burnt. It’s nice to be up here just with her.

And my husband. Today I loved him most. Something about today and yesterday just warmed me to the core. Him and his own recovery. His millstones. His emerging self and happiness. Discovering slowly but surely the full landscape of his life. And me watching it all unveil. I truly feel privileged to love him and be loved by him. And too shy to tell him really. I hope he feels it. And you know what lately? It’s all about love in action. He sees it. He sees me. Because of him….I am coming to life again. I am so grateful.

Respect. Recovery. Relaxation. You can strip us of many things this year…but these three…are part of us. They won’t be going anywhere for a very long time.

Time is what you need for recovery.

And to recover? You need time.

My biggest goal will always be to find that space and time. Those moments…amongst a life that could easily be sucked up by obligations and to do lists and worrries and work if I let them suck me up fully.

I will always make time for recovery and be there for those recovering around me. If it is not at the highest priority of my to do list most of the time-I consider I am doing something very wrong in my time management and will look back at my life with regret-more than pride

I am happiest in life when I make time.

My Golden Blog Rules

(That I sometimes break and will often break again) Rules are meant to be broken sometimes are they not?

 

1-Don’t blog when someone you love is in the hospital. Focus on them getting better with you by their side. Text a lot to stay sane and awake

2-Don’t blog or text or email for very long when you have an out of town cherished guest visiting. Focus on the person you love in front of you as much as you can

3-When your have an Indian summer and it is super-hot as in hotter than it was all of August? Definately don’t waste time on a computer blogging. Be inside only to work and float in your pool as often as possible

 

That’s about it. And that is why this particular blog is very short.

 

My mom spent 24 hrs in emergency at hospital and is now ok. I was with her or connected to her a good chunck of that important time. It was damn scary to see the woman I love in so much pain and fear.

My amazing brother is here to visit me from Indiana and having a great and too short quick visit between me working and his other visits. I am so so happy he is here. So are my kids and Hubby:)

(I mean Indiana U shirts!!! OMG. He is the coolest! and the cousin necklace?...daughter is in heaven.) love those people.

The weather is GORGEOUS! Going  watch sons last kayak competition tomorrow and head up to cottage for boating!! Is it possible I won’t have blankets and coats on me????

 

 

Love and Hate

I have a love hate relationship with technology

 

I love being able to email and do work from home on my phone

 

I love texting with my friends and family

 

I hate having no clue how to watch TV or a DVD when I am alone (only men seem capable of Achieving this 35 step process this)

 

I love taking pics on my phone and love watching movies on Netflix

 

I can't stand the.20 remote controls it takes to watch Modern Family

 

I adore the access to email and blogs

 

I think Facebook, Pininterst and Twitter are for people who have way more time than me on their hands

 

Usually at work things run smoothly but when they don’t: total chaos ensues for my team and me .Like today. Can't do anything on my computer and I am weeping from stress

 

Yes weeping.

 

Now that I have a bit More

Of a normal life again ... Things like technology and bad grades stress me

 

Normal Life is coming back into me

 

I actually give a damn about TVs and grades and kids disobeying the rules. How about that eh?

 

But I have to say it annoys me when we sit down for a cozy thirty mins of TV and attempt to watch OITNB and the mouths of the actors are not In sync with their voices . Somehow just viewing lesbian sex in prison on the screen is not enough context and for me

 

I love my (2) phones. I love my blogs and other blogs.

I hate I- readers. Yuck

 

I hate when people in real life prefer their virtual world to the real me I offer myself up on a silver platter on

 

I hate when I ignore my family and my family ignores me because of technology

I

hate that after 5 yrs I still think I have a learning disability when it comes to PowerPoint.

 

And I will always love.. And always will hate technology of any sort

 

Tonight I just pray that my TV, electric toothbrush .. Phones,  blow-dryer and everything else works . I don't want to weep any longer

 

And I hope my alarm goes off tomorrow (I guess)

 

All So Worth It

Left work earlier on Friday and met BFF downtown at her work and headed up to Trent for night. 3 hrs traffic out of city.

So Worth it

Our other  BFF joined us Saturday just for day from 12-8:30pm. We all left our kids and families and chores and housework to be together and laugh, and cry, and share our lives with each other. They made my early birthday special

So Worth it
(these girls are my girls...their kindness and generosity is truly priceless. How could I have not been as much in touch for so many years. Am I crazy???)

It rained a poured all weekend so we did not get the walk through the forest like we wanted to

So Worth it

We sat outside in the cooler windier (but still summer air) and stuffed our faces with brie fondant at a resto. Got a second order that made us too full

So Worth it

Hubby and three kids came up at 9pm at night eventhough it would rain next day…just to spend time together for one day on weekend.

So Worth it.

There was an hour at 10pm when they came..my family….that I thought “this is why they came” this is why this is important “

They ate dinner while I ate my dessert early b-day cupcake ….and then we just talked and talked and laughed and laughed. Our famous Bali bed was cuddled on and I was just so thankful for that time. Then we started a new series as a family “The Good Wife” and we all liked it!! 90 hrs of TV family time ahead!!! Yay!!!

It was all so worth it.

I have it in my mind lately that anytime we can grab the five of us together..we need to. We need to make the effort.

It is so so so so so worth it.

Then the next day it rained and rained and poured and poured. We had lunch and homework and chores. We made spaghetti to last 6 months and stacked wood for the winter.

It was so  worth it.

Then as the evening came to a close-and the weekend ended…we all got wound up and stressed and higher anxiety.I screamed at them. They deserved it. I lost my temper. I ruined it?

We had a bad end to a beautiful weekend.

Somehow right then and last night? It did not all seem so worth it anymoreL

I had a talk with each kid the next night alone. I did not apologize

They lost their technology. I momentarily lost my temper (ok for a few hours and not minutes) I raged .

 But ..It was still all just so worth it. This family. these friends. 2014. the ups and downs

I am high on life. I love it with all its curves and turns.


Life is just  so worth living. Don’t you agree?

 

 

When the Shit Hits the Fan

I will be ready and waiting.

Because it always does doesn’t it?

That is Life.

Obstacle and Challenges.

And the next 10 yrs are going to be a rocky financially for us. Wanting to keep up a lifestyle that is getting harder to afford. Not willing to make too many sacrifices along the way to interfere with the beautiful life we have created for ourselves. Financially we are at the lowest we have ever been with not many solutions on the table.

And life is just changing. New Year’s parties not as easy to plan…beaches and bathing suits not as easy to go to with a brace…triglycerides higher, and waist circumstances growing. Less time..more to do…more wants..more needs..less money.

We have approx. 5 yrs. left (if that) to teach pour kids what they need to know to grow into well-adjusted and functioning adults.

We have years to make up in our marriage of some issues ignored.

We have walks to take and vegetables to eat.

Sparkling water and non-alcoholic beer to integrate fully into our lives

Intimacy to be created and trust to be built.

Hard choices to make and no time to make them in.

Friends to confide in and no time to take to tell the story

Dr appts to worry about and medical expenses for a lifetime.

Tears to be shed and feelings to be let out.

Feelings to be felt

But you know what? As mentioned in my post yesterday…this is peanuts compared to thinking your kid might be paralyzed for the rest of her life. There is a lot I can handle…but this truly tested me. So therefore, I am now  more than ready to take all of this and more .And when you go through in a marriage and family what we have in 2014 all within about 8 weeks of shock after shock after shock….there is not much left to scare us.

And you know what has saved us in 2014 and for the long list of completely unexpected things we have and are experiencing? It’s our foundation we have built in our family and with many of our friends. As a Family of Five mainly. Unwavering-clear priorities, clear strategies. Love. Hope. Faith.

But now we need to re-prioritize after a year of instability on all fronts. Time for a new plan and new direction and new focus. A  new game plan. It’s gonna change baby!

We CAN DO THIS. AND WE WILL. United and together.

Give me a problem..and you can be sure I will have a plan. And  ultimately fix it . And make it better.

It’s what I do.

And I can guarantee you-I won’t be stopping now.

The Call

I truly hate when the phone rings in the middle of the night.

Somehow it is never good news is it?

So the phone rang and my heart raced. My mind spun. Within about a 20 second pause -I made my list of what could be wrong in order of worst to least worst

Are all the kids home sleeping? Check yes

Is my husband beside me? Check yes. Is my Mom in the hospital and sick? (Don’t know!!! pray pray pray!)

Is Trent cottage on fire? Pray not!

Is Trent robbed? Pray not!

Is husband office robbed or on fire? (oh no!)

Alarm at Trent went off. Motion detector in garage. Phew not people I love!

Crap-omg! My beautiful cottage is being broken into.

Send police?  Of course .Well yes dammit –we are 1.5 hrs away!!!

Try to sleep after this call?. No way.

We love our cottage desperately. When it is threatened I realized how deeply important it is to me. Full of memories and heirlooms from hubby’s childhood. Full of so much love and care.

Find out all ok. Police show up immediately.

Thank god for our very loud and  good and efficient alarm system. We are safe and well protected.

I hate calls in middle of the night

Always did

Always will

Sidenote: even though the call in the night makes me totally anxious I can honestly say that since living with my daughter, who's health was on the line (still is but we had some reassurance that things might  end up being ok)... nothing in my life really stresses me anymore as it used to. Your child's health is so so so precious..that after learning to deal with this and the uncertainty of it all..you can kinda handle anything. I guess that is one positive?: Resilience.

The Definition Below:

Of a midlife crisis. I guess I had one.

In Miami I see the Victoria Secret store in the mall which we don’t have in Canada with clothes and bathing suits anyways.

I remember a trip I took last year where I loved the bathingsuit a girl  I saw was wearing. She was about 5’2, 110 pounds big boobs and perfectly curvy. My definition of a gorgeous woman’s body. Very Petite, short, skinny small waist, tiny  body but big boobs and curves. She looked amazing in this bathingsuit that was so pretty and ruffly and feminine. I asked her where she got it. She said Victoria’s Secret.

So I go in there in Miami  and see the same bathingsuit!!! An I look in my size and they have it! And then I realise how RIDICULOUS I would look in this and I don’t even bother trying it on. I mean my size would still only cover half of my ass! And I would look like a freak.

So without a thought further grab and XXS and buy it for my daughter!! She has never worn any bathing it other from Walmart or Target in the childrens section and lately I have  been noticing that most of her friends have at least one expensive and kind of more womanly bikini. So I grab it and buy it and decides she needs this.

And I don’t give it another thought.

When I come in from trip I practically run in house where Beauty is with two friends and grab her and say” look what I bought you! “ She is thrilled!!! She rips it out of my hands and tries it on!!!

She looks AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

Oh crap! Like as in way too amazing…like as in super sexy amazing…like as in way to good…way to sexy. Way to older…she is 12 !!!! I forgot my daughter was twelve!!!!

And the back of bikini dips. Into a little V so her butt cracks shows! OMFG what did I do???

Her friends of course oh and aww and admire her in this. They think I am the coolest mother/person ever and I momentarily forget what a dumbass I am and bask in their admiration. Oh god. I can’t seem to stop myself on this one.I just get worse and worseL

So then it hits me: SHE CANNOT WEAR THIS BATHINGSUIT. Ever.

But the problem is? It’s too late. She is sold.

Well. It gets worse. Chase comes into the kitchen. He is not only shocked but mortified. And ANGRY. Very very very ANGRY.  At me! He starts reciting study after study of girls too young made to look sexy by their mothers and end up pregnant in grade 9. He shames me and orders her to go and change! And his girlfriend’s upstairs is listening too!

I’m mortified.

So all weekend this has been on my mind. Throw it out? Allow her to wear it on our trip only? Be an Indian giver? What do I do?So I decide we keep it but I get it altered. I have a piece of material  put in where it dips in the back. Ok that is good.

And I have strap added to the top..yes that will make it better. Good plan.

and buy a matching coverup. to cover it up. Cover her up. maybe a waterproof one she can wear in the ocean.

Phew.

(Only step left is to tell her) . Yikes.

Talk about a mid life crisis move? Talk about living vicariously through ones gorgeous daughter?

(I mean PS and BTW-I am all FOR private school girls hiking up the little skirts to make them shorter...cute..adorable..but THIS above? I am losing it.)