A Few things not to Forget on This Friday

A busy week and what could have been a few posts will be one short little summary of a few things that meant something to me this week.

-a daughter calling excitedly yesterday from school (never calls me on the phone-only texts!) “Maman! J’ai gagne le prix de gala de sense de l’humeur (sans dérangent en classe)”!

(Mom I won the award of « sense of humour »(without disruption in classes)”

Wow this is AMAZING honor! It is the People’s choice awards and she won. Her peers voted her and a big deal and get to go to the Gala Awards ceremony which is also a big deal. What a sweetie. I love how appreciated she is by her peers. And has been a great week for her at home-we have been trying out some new strategies over the last 6 weeks  to relate better to her and they are producing some good result and closeness.

-We had a great meal together at Ikea the other night. Totally the best food. Meatballs, fries, veggies, cranberry and garlic tomato soups. Oh ya and a slice of caramel almond cake. Yummy!!!!!!!!!!!!

-It’s official I am an entrepreneur now. Yesterday my “office” was Dagwoods. And I eat out daily (aka grab a sandwich or shish taouk) just to save my sanity and get out on days I am not delivering training nor have meetings all day.

-I have a big next few weeks of work. 4 big trainings to prepare for and deliver and also two big collaborations that I have made with partnering companies to work with them….. WEIRD eh? And FAST?

-Entrepreneurial life is COMPLICATED. OMG! I am in demand-but so are my brain cells. Let’s also just say there are some very difficult people out there in the world to deal with. What a lesson in professionalism and grace this has all been. Important thing? People love my work so far and I am in demand for many various projects and activities (some of which I will love the work and others don’t interest me half as much)

-It has been a long time Hubby and I had a fight. I would say almost 18 months we have not had  a screaming match (before could be weekly). Yesterday we both let off some steam and some big mean words and let it all hang out.

-Chase is in a Raid today-the finale of his 5 yr. sports program. OMG-this is craziness. The school works for 6 months with a big committee of teachers to set up a day of Survivor/amazing race across the city of Montreal. They don’t know what to expect or do. All physical challenges in a team of 3 and that they have to get themselves to (west island to downtown and back again on bikes and foot etc). We are talking EXTREME physical challenges that put into place basically a combination of the 60 sports they have learnt and mastered in 5 years they have spent in the program. Graduates have called the program “deadly”, “pas possible” “Craziness”. Most people have said the hardest physical challenge they will do in a lifetime. We get to watch the depart on internet soon! I LOVE THIS SCHOOL!!!

Bear’s team made it to the flag football finals! The game is tonight (at the same time as Chase arrival from Raid and Bday party for Soulkeeper) haven’t yet planned how can be in three places at once!

Bullying is real. It can happen all over the world and in many types of environments. It can destroy confidence and lives. It can be obvious or subtle.Remeber bullying is about the other person and has nothing to do with the victim

-I am getting tired and bored of watching what I eat. Have plateaued from my weight loss of 12 lbs and gained back 2 of them and can’t lose them. I am still quite diligent most of the week and all shakes for breakfast and protein snacks and light dinners. But I love my lunches. Man do I love them-hate having limits on that at all and not even sure if humanly possible. I don’t think losing a few more pounds is worth it to me….I also kind of like how I look (especially with my new bras and dresses) Rationalization anybody?

-I love my phone conversations with sister SavvyJ We usually have about 15 min massive important conversations about our lives squeezed in between both our meetings…it is so funny and fun too. We don’t waste any time with small talk like “how’s the weather?” It’s always like we are left on a bit of a cliff-hanger of our conversations for both of our lives and we instantly pick up where we left off in the next conversation!

-My Protector has been doing a lot of protecting lately and being very tolerant of my obsessions of transitioning careers. All we talk about is work lately. This morning in setting my intention of the day I decided I have to tone it down a little. I (and my current life) am a little overwhelming lately. I am really hoping to have some time this summer to not think about all of this stuff!

-I miss all my friends. I see them..speak to them. But I just miss quality rime. We are all so busy (and thank goodness usually very disciplined in keeping up) but I just miss them.

-My back hurts L((lower back now which has never been an issue to my usual neck and upper back for years now. Was seeing chiro every three weeks for last few years (used to be twice a week).

-I got an amazing cake tonight for Soulkeeper b-day. Can’t wait to give it to her (and eat it!)

-I need a new TV show. Ideas? New blogs to read too

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Moments I May have Missed

There are many moments lately that touch me to the core.Mostly involving my family. These moments were always there-always touched me-but something about the last few weeks has made me appreciate them more.

My life has a different beat to it-a different pace. Maybe somehow through it all I get more of these moments? I tell you whenever I speak to ex colleagues of mine and I ask them how they are and they say “busy and stressed” I don’t miss it there. I am not sure I ever ever functioned before without those two words in my life…now I still have them, but in between I have more recovery time. Time in between to breathe.

There is more of life for me to enjoy. More life, Please!

Last night was a Friday night where all the kids had friends over. We have a sort of weekend rule in our house that if we are home on the weekend you can go anywhere and see anyone and have whomever over. It’s amazing and has always worked well. Thank goodness we love all the kids who our kids spend time with.

Beauty and her BFF asked me to watch them dance in our dance studio in the basement. I comfortably settled myself on the couch and watched them shine in front of me. Their beauty was captivating-truly. They were dressed as twins with the usual outfit of tiny little Lycra shorts and their school dance little navy t-shirts with flowing long hair and baseball caps. They truly were the essence of beauty-at that moment they took my breath away.

And our daughter comes alive through two things 1) friends 2) dancing. In combination her face is utter happiness-she literally radiates happiness and for a girl of 13 who rarely gives me a kind word these days this was a total privilege to watch.

She truly has a BFF. Such incredible love they share. I have loved watching their friendship bloom from the most unexpected places. This is the BFF friendship  that every child, teen and adult craves. As I watch them I know they could never do without each other. They complete each other.

Then having the privilege of watching Chase drive to the cottage this weekend with me in the backseat,  giving us both advice  about our careers (damn good advice too!) Graduating in less than a month and doing so incredibly well in such advanced courses as advanced math, science, chemistry, and physics. The kids took the hard route-I am so proud of him. Did it again for CEGEP the next year and challenged himself with the more advanced English. I am in shock. And in awe.

I had his phone in my hand today and looked at the wallpaper on his home setting. Changes weekly and always his girlfriend. Today-caught my breath just like Beauty’s dance. His sweet girlfriend had taken a picture of herself in the mirror. In black and white, her reflection stared back at me. Long socks, short little shirt, a beautiful outfit. Like a ray of sunshine actually. Stunning artistic, beautiful, and feminine. Like a masterpiece of art. “This is what my son appreciates” I tell myself….I peek into his world. I love the young man he is becoming. I love looking at  the young woman’s image he so appreciates.

And Bear last weekend with my brother and his family. I love the way he interacts with adults, the way he is so at ease and comfortable and interesting. Tonight is his first real party with boys and girls and many kids invited. The way he knows the rules and can recite them by heart. The way he includes us into his life. Does he follow the rules is his business. That he knows them and seems to respect them is a privilege. All are his choices now and so far he has made nothing but excellent ones.

I am made of trust when it comes to my kids at this age. I trust them to make good decisions for their lives.

And my husband-last night a few hours of terror in my heart as my old and familiar trust issues re surfaced. I am he was able to calm myself down. Kisses, hugs, compliments. He is my rock. I am depending on him. I can calm myself down. I can make the worry of away. He can help me.

And the basketball net on our street right in front of our house that now has two younger boys (neighbors) using it daily. Brings me back to when our boys where littler, and less connected to the iPad and more connected to the outside. The ball in the hoop-the running and dribbling, the sharing of the net for the kids on the street. Times have changes to much and to fast. Watching those younger boys out there created a certain stability for me-made me know the world has not changed too much.

And my mom-this week I saw her three times! Never before have we gotten to take a quick lunch or a quick walk, or an outing so frequentlt. All in between all my work-but there are those spaces in between now . Soul keeper will call me on a walk or on my way home from work and I can speak vs text. It feels good to be so much more connected. Know what her kids are up to that day specifically-tell her about mine. I love those three kids to  bits. I can’t enter a store without seeing something for them or empty as closet without putting something special aside. To share this life so intimately is such a gift.

And bra shopping yesterday with Mom and Childhood Wonder was amazing and sooo fun! I can’t believe the bras I got. Could be life changing actuallyJ))) How did I not know about these all these years???

Sharing a Jacuzzi with the girls last night and the four of us panning our week at the cottage without the brothers (hubby, me, Beauty and BFF will be one vacation one week without the boys who have summer jobs and competitions kayak) them allowing us into that part of their lives, sharing an amazing movie with them last night as they cuddled together on the couch “Still Alice”. Moving from the phase of the 5 of us together to something different and just as special.

Watching life change.

As I spend my day today at/Trent organizing, cleaning, transitioning from winter to summer…I feel grateful that I capture these moments in my life. That I live them. That I get to do that. That I choose too.

That there are so many moments in our lives and they are out there if we claim them.

Sometimes I feel so sad in my heart. Other times my heart explodes with happiness. I feel so utterly human. So capable. So here and now-feeling what is demanding to be felt.

Whatever that may be

A Miracle has Occurred

It may not sounds a miracle to you-but it is to me and my family.

I MADE LASAGNA FROM SCRATCH LAST NIGHT!

And I actually enjoyed doing it too!!!

Ok seriously I tell people I have not cooked in a “few years” but if I am honest with myself it is over decade. I pretty much only make salads and sandwiches, the occasional contributions to spaghetti sauce or things that are already half pre-made. A lot of lunch stuff –but never any dinner stuff.

No joke.

Why might you ask? If you read my book you will know. It is something I have little time for, easy to delegate, most people around me are passionate about cooking and happy to do it, and I get many others things done while cooking is being done (how did I manage to co-author a book etc.?). Simply: I have not made space in my life for cooking nor has the need been there. I have focused on other things. Cooking was not a top priority.

I used to cook. Quite a bit. Nothing fancy but all yummy. I am actually pretty good at it. Then my husband’s culinary skills got more extensive and broad and he took over-his food is out of my league. Then I had three kids who love helping to cook or cooking on their own and I was pretty much happily out of the game.

I have always thought I have not liked cooking.

But over the years I am drawn to ripping out recipes from magazines (and never referring to them) or feeling envious of a friend who came and whipped up a curry at my cottage so expertly, or hearing of others enjoying  cooking after work and thinking to myself “why not me?”

And I have never done anything about these passing thoughts. Nada.

It has always been my plan to cook when I am retired or something when it is time for it to be a pleasure. To be like in Europe where you go to the market every day and chose you meal. That appeals to me a whole lot more than making a monthly list for Costco or planning the weekly meals and grocery shopping for massive quantities from a list. But remember. I am all about efficiency.

But somehow the pleasure in cooking (if there is any for me) is somehow not congruent with being efficient.

Think Eat Pray Love. This is more me.

I also the same way about gardening that one day I will like it (or do it). Nobody believes me though... to say I am out of tune with my more domestic side (if it is there at all) i an understatement.

So yesterday I worked all day but needed a break and my Mom and I met up and walked to the village –had a bite-and then went to do a quick grocery and walked back. I got back to work for 4 more hours and then put the radio on at 6:30pm with the news and got busy. I even forgot an ingredient and had to go back in the car to the grocery store and was CALM AND RELAXED about this.

Man I have changed.

And BTW my lasagna was MEAN. so so so yummy. Everyone gave it a 10/10 after they pulled themselves off the floor from shock to speak.

I have changed. My life has changed. So far I have found myself in a pile of consulting work (a good problem to have I am thinking!) Although this lifestyle and career is very very different for me and the pace and schedule a HUGE transition for a corporate girl like me..it has some benefits. Lots of cons too-but some definite benefits.

One of them is being able to walk to the market with mommy and feed my family at night. And between it all make a lot more money per hour while working less hours

It also has instability, beginner’s luck, lots of obstacles, hard  tough schools, never being able to get work off my mind, less of a line between work and home, and did I mention no benefits, insurance, bonus or stability? 

But so far? Not so bad. In fact..good. Really good if I am honest.

I made lasagna. This is big.

And it was damn delicious.

Next week pasta with chicken, homemade marinara and boccahini!

My world is changing. And I am flowing.

Never has my word of the year had as much meaning for me than in 2015.

"Mt" Visit in Pictures!

Airport with my babes

Dale Weise HABS anyone??? Bear spotted him at airport and me being my assertive self asked for a picture!

Pretzel and Bear

Laney and her "Tristy"

Close Cousins!! they danced and talked and drew and imagined all weekend

Pinkle and Bro

Cousins bonding

Our nature hike (sans rattlesnakes!)

Could not have asked for a nicer hike

The girls:)

Such a wonderful visit.

Blessed

Far away. Worth every hour spent getting here

Family. Important Family.

Family that never leaves your heart. Never leaves you

You go there with two of the kids Beauty and Bear-a great mix

Vegetarian tacos and lasagna and pita pockets with cucumber, tomato, feta and olives. Iced sparklibg tea with lemons, lots of chocolate covered almonds and kettle popcorn.

Long nature hikes with frogs and snakes and screams

Two decadent massages (yes two as were so good we had to go back!) Wet hot towels and arnica

Long walks with Pretzel

Bear and Auntie Sandy running

Two girls dancing dancing and dancing

Eyeshadows and lipsticks

Beautiful music coming from upstairs

Trading book titles and movie titles

Riddles at the table and naming all the USA states

Indian “breakfast” with my bro and good talks

Warm rain

Relish and antiques

Fudge and Candy and lots and lots of popcorn and salt water taffy

Signing of book and talking about all the writers in the family

Bonding. Cousins. Love

Roller-skating disco

Candles chosen over whiskey

Sweet smart kind good girls

UnderwearJ

Crickets, blood on carpets and blocked toilets in the middle of the night

Reading time, naps, tea and wasabi peas

Planning SpainJ))

Just  good old blessed. To have such a brother. And a sista and such sweet, smart and kind nieces.

Simmering in love

Baked in happiness

Like the layers of the delicious lasagna-the unfolding and layers of so much we all have. So much More.

Life is Good.

PS-so many great pics to add and not working! Come back and look later this week for this addition

The Happiest and Healthiest I have ever Been?

I went for my annual check-up this morning. I was sort of nervous to go as the new laws in Quebec make it very difficult for doctors to speak at all to their patients in 6 minutes appts.

Apparently, my doctor doesn’t follow the law and we chatted and chatted. I adore her.

After about 10 mins she said to me:

“In 11 years that I have known you I have never ever seen you look as happy and healthy as you do today”

And this made me smile. Because you know what? For the first time in my life-and who knows how long it will actually last as this feeling is fleeting…I feel peaceful and calm and able to take on the good the bad the ugly and the beautiful. I feel calmness and a tranquility and sureness. And through a very not calm period of my life-which makes it even more special. I am flowing ..people!

I feel peaceful and calm through a time of change, insecurity, hardship and instability. And this is what I know I have come so far. I have changed. For the better.

Trust me nothing around here is perfect-far from it. I lost my job and all our issues of 2014 although have made some major progress-are far from over. The earth has been pulled from beneath me really if you take a look closely enough. And you know what?

I am looking happier and healthier than I have in a decade (my doctor said it so it must be true)

I currently have one kids taking a huge tantrum upstairs bc his driving test is being delayed a month, I have someone in my life who is being nothing short of the most untrustworthy person I have ever dared to trust, I have huge deadlines at  the end of the day tomorrow that I have not begun and I gained 2 lbs last week at my offsite and so am starving myself on protein shakes for 3 days.

But I am content, (not so sure “happiest and healthiest” would describe my state right now exactly  but knowing a doctor thinks so is comforting and a nice compliment

Even though I miss my career terribly, even though it still pains me to still see my daughter in her brace and fear for the future , even though my mom is still far far from anything close to what she was before her concussions, even though. Even though..evenhthoug.

have learnt that I can deal with life. Sometimes (often) even calmly (friggin miracle if you ask me)

Deep breathing and walks every morning are helping a lot. So is everyday first thing as I wake up deliberately thinking both what I am grateful for and even most importantly setting my intention for that day. PS it is very hard to set one intention of the day and not actually achieve it.

 And my marriage and partnership help a lot. The mere fact that my marriage partner stays awake during (most) of our conversations helps a lot certainly!

And I lots 10 lbs since last yearJ that helps a lot too.

Chaos surrounds me, people disappoint me, and life continues to throw huge rocks in my way.

But me? Better than have been in a decade apparently.

Ha!

Being a Mother ( and Daughter ) today

It felt great to shut down emails and  all the work and just BE with my family .

My mama bear especially as it is really HER day. She is the best... As in seriously the best . I Am So so Lucky to have always had her in my life  She is one of a kind and irreplaceable and I love our relationship. If I don't speak or text her or hear from her even one single day ... Something is not Complete .

She is It that mama bear:)

The love of my Life. Could she look any younger????

For Mother's Day I slept

In ( heavenly ) and woke up to a big basket of cards and gifts . All little things and some jokes but Loved each one . Beauty got me a necklace and earring set ! And the boys a card with tons of pics from childhood and cupcake certificate ! And hubby a bunch of stuff . I was super spoiled .

Uncle Bruce came into our bedroom too for our little tradition and that was fun too

 Auntie Terri was last minute able to join for brunch too so we went our gang .. My mom and the chez Vito's to chez Cora on the terrace and had delicious meals

Then said bye to the chez Vitos and went in to the second part of the day . Went go the cemetery to visit our grandpapa  Max and grandmaman Lola. Tried very hard to find Grampy2 grave and got lost! Was a nice moment in cometary with the kids ... Very bonding and full Of rich history and legacy

Then went on to my very famous aunt's art show . She really is very well known ! Her paintings are very unique that is for sure ( aka my late dad naked kind of very unique ) Saw another non naked Portrait  of my dad too and really affected me . He looked masculine and strong  and healthy in that one . An image I don't even have in my mind at all.

It was healing to see him portrayed in that stronger darker more masculine way .

After museum came back and napped while Hubby prepped a nice but delicious simple meal of tortellini rosee , arugula salad and garlic bread . Delicious

Took more time to tuck in each kid and chat with them . Good to be home with my little family . Even avoided a big fight with Chase and just walked out of the room! Impressive eh ?

Happy Mother's Day to my own Mama Bear and to

Me too. We both made it and are still alive ! That is good !Like Mother Like Daughter..we are survivors.

 

My Dad