What you chose to do along the way

I had coffee the week before I came on vacation with an old high school friend. We had seen each other for a period of a year about a decade ago but prior to that not since high school. She and I were very close in high school but then went our very separate ways in life.

It was amazing to reconnect with her and we had such a good time. She has three young children and was talking about how her life is, where she is at, how she feels, her challenges and obstacles and triumphs. I have always loved her authenticity and her openness to share about herself-I remember it from high school and she still has that trait now.

There are many different hinges about our personalities but also many similarities. She is very much now where I was about 5 yrs. ago in her thoughts and her feelings. When I told her she asked me how I had changed from those feeling s or that place and it was such a loaded and deep question.

It made me ponder and let me realize what a journey this has been,

Below is a short list of some of the ways I have changed my perspectives over these years. This is in no way an account of where my high school friends are at but an account of where I was at and where I am now. Things that come to mind.

It is only in retrospect t that I fully realize how far I have come. Not that my life has changed-I have changed. I am far more peaceful happier and calm than I was a number of years ago. And it has been damn hard and deliberate work.

A few things that stand out on my journey:

1-Feeling things. I went to intensive 1.5 yr. therapy and when I say intense I mean really really intense. No hiding, no repression, no subject was off limits. She showed me how to feel, to know the difference between sadness and anger. To this day when I feel a feeling I don’t like I have her voice in my head and we almost feel it together. Feeling. Feeling before taking action.

2-I am way less irritable. My kids might disagree but they don’t remember me 5 yrs. ago and before that even. This self is a gift! I learnt my hormone; cycles and how to anticipate and manage them. I learnt my triggers. I learnt my emotional triggers and my physical ones and I have learned to cope with them. When I am packing (often with cottage and lots of travel) I am still super irritable but besides that I would say it had improved by a good 80%!

3-I tell the truth. I say what I need. I don’t believe in scatting around issues, ignoring them, having big elephants in the tom and repression to me is an enemy. I tell you what I feel if I love you lots. What I think, what I feel and what I do not feel. How I experience a situation. Some like this more than others.. I believe in authenticity and truth. I believe in growing. I believe in true love and true love to me...is true and real. I am there for you through the thick and thin  of it all. I want the truth from you and you should expect it from me.

4-I 100% completely trust my kids. I believe in them fully to make capable, sound and good decisions. And if they don’t…I understand that too is part of growing up. This one is a miracle to me as I used to be the biggest control freak on earth with my kids. I got over it. I am finding teens a lot easier through this lens.

5-I have come a loooooooooong way in my marriage. We have come a loooooong way. Long, long long long. We have gone to bat for each other through thick and thin and have loved in action our marriage commitment to each other. We have put our children first and our family life and been through some very tough times together. We could have bailed but we did not. We are married almost 20 yrs.this summer and in the last 3 yrs. we are unrecognizable as a couple to the first 17 yrs. . . . We have re-defined ourselves individually and as a couple. We started off good but now we are great as a couple if I do say so myself. We are proud as not easy at all.

6-I have learnt to trust fully. Be vulnerable. Be fully authentic. Trust that I will be accepted and adored for exactly who I am. I have learnt to share and confide and trust. I have learned to breakdown and build up. I have learnt to love unconditionally. I have learnt to love and be loved. Soulkeeper has been one of the most tremendous teachers of my life in personal growth as a wife and a mother. She has completely changed my life over the last 5 yrs especially.

7-Hubby and I have realized that the body and mind are connected. We eat well, we exercise regularity. We get it now. We thought we got it before but we did not. We fully get it now and realize we need each other to behave in this area. It needs to be a family thing and it is becoming that. We have all altered the way we relate to food and exercise. All of us.

8-I have always had both a professional and personal mentor. Always. I can’t live without this in my life.

9-I have learnt to forgive. Others. Myself. I have learned that forgiveness is for you.

10-I have come to realize that professionally anything is possible. That if I want something it will be mine if I work hard, am capable and deserve it. I have realized that my professional potential is much much higher than my personal potential and that I need to capitalize on it. I need to reach for the stars. And I will.

In looking back at this I keep thinking over and over:

You have come a long way baby

And I have had tons of support through this ongoing journey. I have not been alone.

I have more peace and joy in my little finger now than I did in my entire body a decade ago. I have come so far through hard work, dedication, introspection and deliberate thought and action. I know what I needed to change about myself and I did it one step at a time. So did my husband. We are far from over…many, many more places to develop and improve in, but we have come a long way as individuals, professionals, parents, as a couple and as an extended family.

I am very very close to what I always dreamt of as my future self in many ways.

Now it is time to create my next future self. I am excited to start form the place I am now to define her. A place of stability, trust, authenticity, forgiveness and belief.

Finally I feel safe. And it is from this safe place where real growth can bloom.I feel that now, and only now I am able to realize my full potential with a steady secure foundation beneath me. That foundation that I created, that resilience that I found.

Never a good day to eat a banana

I often measure the quality and happiness of my life by how often I would allow myself to eat a raw banana.
And it has added up to zero times in the last 7 years.
Which means my happiness level must be pretty high up there.

You see i am allergic to uncooked bananas and I get really bad stomach aches. And there never seems to be a day i want to take that chance on. Ever.

Each day i think " wouldn't it be great to juts test this whole banana stomach thing again in case i am over it? Have a smoothie or a pb with banana sandwich or just a good old potassium fruit mid afternoon?

And each day i come to the same conclusion:
Today is too important for a banana
Today has to much happiness for a banana
Today there is too much to look forward to for a banana

And i choose life over bananas. Each and every single day

( don't even get me started on avocados!)

So although my life of course has it's ups and downs... I am proud and thrilled to see that i dont chose those bananas. It says something about my personal life , my professional life and my priorities.

There is so much more out there than the good old delicious strawberry banana smoothie

And that my friends is about as complex as my thoughts will take me today .

Ps another amazing few days at the beach . Gorgeous first few days of weather , nice people that we even had at the condo for cinommon buns and coffee, lots of sailing and long walks and daily naps . Life is good ! And banana free!

Getting Comfy Cozy in Paradise

Actually we settled in the minute we got here . When we come to the beach-this is where we come. It feels like home. It is our slice of heaven of the world. Truly paradise.

Back to the beautiful island of Turks and Caicos for us! We have come here for about 6 yrs. now each November but skipped last year for a variety of reasons and so has been two years. Feels soooooooo good to be back!

We stay in a condo belonging to one of my Hubby’s really close clients and get a great deal here. A really sweet deal for this kind of luxury. We are very very lucky. The condo we used to stay in was this client’s brother and he sold and now this one is also for sale L(((there were people visiting it today while we were here). So wish we had money to buy it!!! Nice to dream sometimes isn’t it?

I remember the first time we came about 7 yrs. ago my husband’s client sent us here for free! It was so generous of him. My husband is their family’s real estate attorney and he offered his condo in Turks to us. We had no idea it would look/feel/be like THIS. When the concierge walked us to our “room” we gasped literally and we actually thought we were in the reception of the hotel. It is so gorgeous ad right on the beach and a full kitchen etc. We cook all of our meals except 3 lunches and three dinners over the 12 days we are here in order to live the apartment life but more importantly to save money as food extremely expensive here. Ever since that first week here that we were given as a gift , of course now we pay for the condo, but get a much better deal than if we booked it ourselves so it is actually (somewhat) affordable and totally worth it to go into any kind of debt for this vacation.

We love it so much that we actually are even depressed the first day knowing that it will be our last time as condo for sale (miracle we are here even this week). We are so so so so in love with this place.

Yesterday was perfect. Smooth air schedule for once and non eventful travel. Arrived to gorgeous weather and headed straight for the beach. Had a yummy lunch right at the bar in the pool. Watched the sunset. Headed out to do a HUGE grocery order for the 12 days and got back and unpacked and fully organized. Watched a movie and went to bed.

Today another gorgeous beach day and walked and read. As of tomorrow will be more active and top of our list is to learn to stand up paddle, go sailing, walk 2 hrs a day, play tennis every second night, Hubby will jog every alternate night, go to all new restos, and foster a  local popcake dog for a day and walk it  on the beach which here is common thing. We also want to do the conch excursion and parasail and find a condo to go to the next time.

Right now hubby is cooking up red curry chicken with nann and homemade raita and rice and green beans.  Jazz music playing from the speakers He is the best. I am blogging. We will watch Grey's Anatomy tonight and shower in the double shower amazing open bathroom.

Before getting here we worked literally about 16 hrs days for many days. Both of us-it was really crazy. Neither of us thought that this was a busy time of year for our businesses but thankfully we were wrong. When back December is turning out to be one of my biggest months this year and unexpectedly too. I am getting into much new part so my business includes lots of HR consulting and lots of business development too.  I won’t be able to breathe in December at all but so worth it to be able to gather money to come to places like thisJ

Life is very beautiful for the moment. A calmness amongst the plentiful storms that were 2014 and slowly becoming more of memories that our present reality. We both feel calm and content  and professionally happy right now. We know there are many more storms to hit us-but for now we have a chance to breathe. And we are counting this as a true blessing.

We found sun here, good beer, we are in love after 20 yrs, the condo is not yet sold and we feel like we are in heaven.

Ahhhhhhhh..life is good

PS-I will hopefully blog a lot while here but don’t worry I won’t bore you with travel blogs as not a whole lot to say at the beach! I am looking forward to blogging about many things that have been wandering in my mind and I never have time to write about.

england by Meh-meh

My trip to England was really fun! We were 12 girls going to england. the first 2 nights we stayed in a hotel and i was in a room with my friend ariane it was so cool! we visited London 2, Oxford, Stonehedge and this little town called winchester. the rest of the week we  were sleeping in a boarding school and we each got a little room ( you probably saw a picture). It was really different from here but it was okay because it was all an experience!!! We went to the school for one day and that also was very different. It was an all girls school.
 bye xox

Two things that make me supremely happy in life

1-     Texting relationships with my kids BFF’s. This always puts a HUGE smile on my face when they reach out to me by text or welcome me reaching out them,. Whether that is for planning something logistical that is happening (as often they are better planners than my own kids!) ..Or for just talking about big events in their or my own kids’ lives, or just wishing them a good trip or happy birthday, or sometimes just to say hi and how’s it going. Having that joint person we care about (my kid/their BFF) is so so bonding.

It enriches my life so much. And they often sign off with such sweet things like “thanks for being my 2nd mom” and stuff like that that makes my heart just melt. My life is so much better because of these amazing BFF’s.  The kids are so blessed to have them. As they get older they all mature too and gives me a glimpse of what adult kids would be like. Daughter in laws and son in laws too and how important these relationships will be in my life.

My kids are package deals-they always have been. They come with their families. And watch out as their parents are sure to love you.

If I am not invited to their weddings there will be hell to rise! At this rate I think I may even be paying for their weddingsJ))

2-Helping friends that reach out to me. Helping them through obstacles and things they need a listening ear for. Helping them find a way that makes them happy. Especially when it involves their families and kids. I love helping friends who reach out to me. I feel it is the highest honor privilege as a human being to serve those you love.

I love helping people I love find peace

And when friends help me out it feels like………such a relief and comfort. It makes me feel complete. I have gotten so much better at asking for help in the last two years. Even professionally too I simply ask for help from those who I know respect my work. It is so liberating to just ask for what you need.

Meh-Meh Takes on England !

written last Friday morning so she left Oct 29

Our little girl left last night on a plane to England ! Was such an odd feeling to drop her at airport and say goodbye in line there . So odd to go to bed that night and know she was on a long flight .. Without us!

It was originally  exchange program with the school but then logistics changed and now is a school trip where they live in the boarding school with the British girls in Winchester private school. On the weekends staying in a hotel .

 They will be attending some of the classes with the girls and on most days touring many places in England such as Oxford , London , Bath etc ..

Our girl's attitude toward this can only be described as cool as a cucumber . No stress , no worry , no anxiety . Zero . She is something else .

 Not as much passion and excitement than I would have expected either ! But she is who she is ! she expresses feelings in her own way!

Hope she has a wonderful week. She texted to say she landed safe and sound and slept 2 hrs and watched a movie and was going to tour the city she is staying in .

Feels wierd already without her here !!

 She is missing Halloween too so snuck some treats into her bag .

Have a great week meh-meh!!

Now it is 5 days after she left and what am odd experience for the family to have their little one gone internationally alone ! And had a couple of short texts and today an iMessage conversation but other than that has been radio silence . The other mom I know well said same with her daughter .. And we chose to interpret it as they are having a blast !

I think they are loving the trip and finding a bit of an adjustment to the boarding school/ headmistress part of it as a big culture shock to be sleeping in a strict private boarding school in London !

They are visiting everything in London and surroundings and  their days are filled . I can't even imagine all our bebe is learning and absorbing and aquiring . I am so jealous !

And I can't wait to hold her in my arms . She gave me a cool nice shirt for my bday and I have worn nothing but that for three days now ! And her smelly old comfy socks to remind me of her:)))) .

Sure is quiet around this house ( even though Bear is off for a week and home and I am working at home I am so used to it by now and still feel it's quiet !)

Love you Reneesme / meh meh/ beachy girl !!

The Sounds

I was aware of sounds this weekend. Or lack of them.

When I visited my friend’s home on Friday night and her three kids came to the door happily and excited and like three little puppies. Question after question, story after story for us, show and tell, magic tricks. So much life in the house. So much good noise. So many memories of our home and how it used to be. I used to think that noise annoyed me, the sounds of laughter. I realize in retrospect I loved this part of my life (the benefit and irony of retrospect)

And then the sounds of our home and cottage this weekend. Beauty is in London on her own which is strange in and of itself. We feel her absence –having two kids is very different than having three kids. We feel her gone.

And then the sounds of teenagers. When home so much more silence. The click click of texting, the silence of IPad, using the basement more, interacting less.

Radio Silence.

 And then the sounds of fear. We stayed at the cottage overnight the two of us without the kids as Beauty away and boys Halloween plans and also some work being done here with plumbing. But our night was not peaceful until Chase got home in the city at 2am and called us to say safe at home e (we set our alarm for his time expected home and if the alarm rings before he calls big panic and trouble which has thankfully never happened)

He is safe, responsible, and mature. It has nothing to do with him, but until I get that call my heart races and I panic and can’t think of anything else until he is in that door. Midnight to 2am trust me I don’t sleep soundly...usually not at all. With him driving now and out much later at almost 18 yrs old, this is our new reality. And our new reality is not that relaxing.

I hear the sound of my nagging voice often. More and more for some reason lately. I think in their new ambivalence and inattention that are hardest for me.

I hear the sound of us as a couple. Missing them more, the silence in the house. Still loving each other but missing some major pieces that made up the fabric of our lives. The sound of trying to stay connected and connect in a new way.

The sounds of missing. I  miss when we are all together the ease we always had as a family-we still have it often, but not as often. We have to rely much more on the in between moments. We have to deliberately make those happen more. I miss I miss I miss what I always had and still have but like Hubby and Mom said last night it’s like this trip with Beauty is the beginning of them all flying away from the nest. Or youngest in London? Without us? How did that happen? Finally no more baby talk. It’s gone.

The sound of my thoughts. They have lost some peace. They are searching-searching again. But for what? Having to re-create myself again both personally and professionally. Is there ever stability?

The sounds of the dog that we kept last weekend. The one we debate in our imaginations in our home in the future. The animal to love us, comfort us, make noise. The dog to hold us back, for us to resent, getting in the way of the next stage. I hear the barking and it annoys me. I don’t hear the barking and the silence depresses me.

The sounds of the future. The future scares me. Did we make the right choices? Is this the right cottage? The right ski hill? The right path? Should they have played hockey? Should we have socialized more? The sounds of a mothers’ self-confidence being doubted.

The sounds of loss and broken hearts. Emptiness and sadness. First loves. The breaking of teenage hearts. The sounds the family share. Of betrayal. The lessons of living being taught. But not my us.

The sounds of acceptance and moving to another stage. I had read in a book somewhere that really having teenagers starts  when your youngest becomes one. For us that was felt about 6 months ago. We are there. We have arrived.

I need more sounds. I need to create them. I need to make them mine. Ours. We need to adapt, and adjust and change.

What do the sounds of setting them free sound like?

Do they come back? What does that sound like?