CDF Visit!

This was an exciting weekend and weekend and next week as lots happening 

Besides Beauty's dance show which I posted on separately - we had our wonderful friends the CDF gang ( family of 7) over for the long weekend . It was cool as we were all together but also had our individual family commitments like the dance show and mother visits etc . It was a great weekend as usual filled with tons of yummy food and restaurants , great walks and talks.

The funniest part ever was when they got here before us and wanted the wifi code so their eldest son texted Chase to ask him

" cock-slap-dick56"

Chase!!!!!!!!

And they believed him (based on the mere fact we named our christmas Elf "Balls  ") so there they all sat typing in this wifi obscene code and trying it different ways with capitals etc..

This goes down as one the funniest memories of my life -for real.

What was really different about this visit was that it mirrored our real lives very distinctly : our kids are no longer kids for the most part they are now all teens or almost teens or just out of teenhood . And having 8 of these creatures together ... Does present some challenges !

To sum it up : Alone together . Yes all the seem to do is stare at their individual screens unless literally forced to do otherwise . Every moment of the weekend .

And that part really irritated the adults . All of us .We even had a debate about it with one of the teens which was cool in and of itself and got them off their phones for a while in order to debate ! At least they were all engaged in this part and cool to hear the different perspectives that are mostly generational 

It was hard though as tough to see a bunch of teens so excited to see eachother and so alone being together . Made me very worried  about this generation and what I may have done as a parent to not prevent this .

It has all moved from more family visits to more adult visits with kids sitting around staring at their phones . Thank goodnessnes for their two younger ones who brought some life to the party ! 

Despite all they are all wonderful and good kids-just a rough stage!

Thank goodness Savvy and I are both the type of moms that force them at points to do otherwise so there were moments of chatting with meals and walks and activities etc but not enough of them .

Yet felt so good for us adults to realize we are leading parallel lonely lives and face many of the same reality and challenges of raising adolescents 

Then we stayed up late all catching up and debating after beauty dance show and then I left for a business trip in Peru early Sunday morning.  They  all stayed and spent the day with hubby and our kids and then by end of afternoon all went their separate ways with lots on schedule before our trip to Italy at the end of this week 

Our gang went up to cottage and got all the summer stuff organized and CDF's moved onto savvy moms place for a visit 

I don't even have a  picture of the visit of the kids !!! I wonder why ? (They all roll their eyes at me too much ? I give up trying ?)

At least I have a few great pics of the adults ! From our long walk to the village for icecream ( we sent the kids on their own )

Was a great visit and always is. So thankful for these wonderful friends

Our dancing girl

( written last weekend )

The Vanilla Beans

There are a few facts about Beauty :

She is happiest when she is dancing . That is certain . I mean just look at the expression on her face . Pure joy and pride and determination . When I look at her face in these pictures ... My heart swells with happiness for her passion 

Secondly when they dance and there are 35 girls who all have the same hair and body and the  same costume it is hard to find your own daughter to focus on . I always find her . Want to know how ? She has a super long waist to chest measurement . Simply a long long torso ( a woman's dream ! ) I look for her long waist and I always find it :)

The girls (minus one vanillabean 2)

After 36 hrs of extra dance practice in This week alone and weeks and months of preparation the show at place des arts de Montreal  for the 25 anniversary of the professional dance program at the school was truly seamless as everything else this school does 

Perfect synchronicity of every unique and beautiful performance . 

She may not seem it yet but man oh man will this girl learn discipline for a lifetime . They are chastised if one hair is out of place or one false movement . Lots and lots of pressure and she does extremely well under these conditions 

I am so proud that she is doing this 

What an absolute gift 

Livvy bum-bum and Beauty

She did a beautiful flaminco number as well as a jazz ballet lyrical  based on surrealism and Dali as an artist one and a finale . I always have tears in my eyes when she performs 

Like watching her ski it is like a graceful symphony .

She comes alive not through relationships ( well friends yes ! ) but through activity  sports . This is she .

It was an exhausting and exhilarating weekend for her bc not only dance shows and dress rehearsals but also a bff from Toronto visiting  for weekend ( a separate post about our fave family of 7 )  so she would come home and stay up late and talk and talk and talk ! Today they finally get to hang out the pg gals and enjoy time together at last 

And  Let's just say since our escape to Punta Cana time we have not had much More than a quality minute together  and only read Solomon a handful since . And now her mama is off to work in Peru for the week  as early this morning and then Italy as soon as get back for 10 days  . She won't miss me much but I will miss her 

As i look at her dance and her pictures here I see a young girl who has truly become a young woman . I look at her and crave the beach trip we had and that alone time . 

The girls trying to set up Didi with Vanilla bran 2 grandpa!

I am used to the fact that I will always be chasing her .. She will always be running in the opposite direction . But when I do catch her and catch up it feels like a prize to be won . This girl will travel  the world , she will move far away , she will do great and fearless things .She will grow up and away quickly .

Thank goodness she has two homebody brothers to distract us  and keep us loved and who will come home for Sunday dinners always  . Hopefully she won't have too much wanderlust as will miss her too much !! She is a different kind of jewel . Rare and to be treasured 

She is my little superstar . I can't wait to watch her flight of life and where it will all take her 

Fearless. Talented Dancer. Soaring

Launching him

( I wrote this weeks ago but Chase has been annoying me a little lately so did not post it! Seeing that this is his last week of exams and he has impressed me yesterday by saying “I love school” it is time to post!)

It really occurred to me this week that my son is an adult when the doctor called and left a message that he has an apt on Tuesday and that he needs to fast for 24 hrs and abstain from alcohol for 72 hrs for the blood tests.

What's next a prostate exam? Hubby joked.

Then realized even more how his life is his life now when later I gave the message and Chase said “I can't abstain from alcohol

For 72 hrs there is a huge party Saturday night and my buddy rented a condo downtown for his birthday and we are all staying there! " 

(And I thought we were all together at the cottage Saturday night playing monopoly and eating bonbons)

Your problem buddy! Figure it out with your doctor 

Our son is growing up. And not just in this more annoying alcohol part related expected ways.... He is launching himself into life.

The other day I got an email and it said " xyz is inviting you to accept him as a contact on LinkedIn” and that person was our son!!! His dad and I got it at the same time.

As I read his profile which I did not even know he had ... I am not kidding that tears of joy started streaming down my face. I saw everything we have worked so hard for since the moment he was born in that profile. All the values all the hard work -all the nagging and the discipline and coaching and pushing. There is was in his LinkedIn profile.

I don't care how success is defined. I don't care what marks he gets in university or what career he chooses. All the success I needed to see from him was right there in front of me.

I was speaking to one of my bffs last month about a blog post she wrote about her own eldest son ( she has an older step son too ) and the blog " my non swearing son " she and I have worked tirelessly  on deliberate parenting and very often share the ups and downs of our efforts . What I realized in this discussion was how our parenting is paying off ! Finally!! I saw so much of her parenting and her values in her son and this blog post. As she tells me more and more about him and their conversations and the direction he wants to go in beyond this blog ... I see her brand all the way 

Same on my eldest son, as I read that LinkedIn profile I saw myself written all over it 

What an amazing feeling!!!!!! (Gosh I know so narcissistic but a great feeling to know something you have said has been heard over 18.5 yrs!!)

I love watching his launching process. Something big had happened to our son in this first year of cegep - he is becoming an adult and becoming his own unique person. He decided a few weeks ago that he is super interested in event planning and connected with a dozen people over a week to networks about this. Really? Chase? Seriously he did this?

Four days later the phone rings ( on our way up to a sacred family weekend to the cottage of course ) and he was asked to mc a big DJ event at that same even in honour of the a big fundraising event for the Children’s Wish Foundation . He gave us a big speech about how that we had to turn right around and drive him back home as his whole life we have been teaching him to network and create opportunities and take risks and put himself out of his comfort zone and now he had the opportunity.. And that we had better support him!!!

And so we did. 5 hrs of driving them afternoon. And our son with zero experience stood up in front of 500 people to introduce the 12  Djs for a great cause.

And then this week he told me that he contacted all 12 of the Djs “to expand his network" (good thing since so far only has mom and dad as contacts on LinkedIn! ) and wrote them each a personal email

on their particular performance at the event and asked them to keep him in mind for future events. And with one two hours they had all written back to connect 

And I almost had a heart attack of joy for real right there on the kitchen 

Then I had a gorgeous younger colleague here this week one evening to facilitate part 2 of our family vision building exercise and at the end Chase ask her to speak in private. I was so so so so scared he was going to ask her for her number!!!!! But he instead asked her about life coaching for him. On his own. Without me there. He did this !!!!!!!!! (Another blog most on our part 2 sessions later this weekend)

Anyways there are definite cons to having a kids this age ( many many many ) and it is damn hard many days of the week . The lifestyle, the parties, the attitude, the impulsivity, the attitude (oh I said that already?)

But nothing could ever replace how much I adore having the privilege and honour of watching this kid grow up right before my eyes. It is the most beautiful process on watch besides the miracle of birth. Really and truly.

And yesterday he says to be in the car (him driving of course! )“Mom I don't think going away to university is for me ... 3 yrs. is too long to be away from home. And I don't want to be tempted to party all week long. Weekends are good enough for me. During the week I want to eat well and healthy and work out at the gym and study during the weekdays and keep my focus. And besides I would die eating Kraft dinner all year. I need salmon to gain weight and can't afford it! Home is good for me” 

We shall see where this little peppercorn firecracker goes (my dad used to call me that when he was impressed with my enthusiasm and drive for life :)))

The world is ahead and I can't wait to see him explore it. Fall on his face a million times and pick him back up and keep going. 

What a privilege to be a parent. Nothing else I have ever done in my life remotely compares to this fulfillment. Watching the outcomes of the most important work of my life coming to fruition in its own unique and beautiful way.

I am so grateful (today)

Mothers Day 2016

Unconciously or  conciously I forgot to post this blog last week. So today when i posted the new one right away it occurred to me that the context was not there yet and had not been posted. Read this one first about the real mothers day and then the one below it about how they made it up to me)

Mother's Day 2016

I will remember this one forever 

And unfortunately not because it was special but because of how hurt and sad I felt. I would like to write how wonderful and spoiled I was and felt like a princess all day and make myself sound like the adored mom I think should be - but I always vowed to keep this blog real and I don't have any intention to stop now just because my feelings are hurt and my ego bruised 

Parenting can be one beautiful and one painful journey 

Usually living with three teens I can handle. Fairly successfully and well. I do most of the heavy work. Hardly anything domestic but all the emotional stuff and the planning and organizing and worryingly just like most moms. And I do it really really well in my opinion most days with caring and grace and many other days with some nagging and screaming. 

But my kids are loved and feel it daily. Their lives are good. More than good 

And yesterday I felt dismissed. I won't even get into the details as it hurts to write in a lot of ways but was all the subtle things that were Said or not said and the passivity that surrounded it. Although my husband was not as guilty as the kids there was so thing about how he did not stop it that hurt. Something about his comments the night before as so often happens a when it is my turn to be celebrated that made me feel as though he was not the proper role model in this 

It all caused me a pain I have rarely felt 

And when my own mom turned to me with tears in her eyes and put her hand on my knee and said”

I am so sorry you are being treated like this”

Something broke open inside of me 

And I took my mom and left. Left the gifts and the last minute scribbled cards. Left the wrestling and bad manners and chaos and them with all their mouths hanging wide open - and bundled up my mom in the cold weather and took her to the patisserie and for a walk ( PS neither was she fit to do given her state of health right now ) I took her anyways 

And she talked me through it all even though I am sure she had more imported concerns. She was there for me and I was there for her 

When we got back home there were notes and love letters and apologies taped on the door from all. I read them quickly and walked inside .And Spent the rest of the day by myself sulking

For the first time in my life I was not ready to accept an apology from my kids. I did not care if they felt bad all day or week or year. Something has hardened in me. Not being appreciated on Mother's Day or made feel special at all did me in. I have not felt the same way since. 

Maybe it was the sharp contrast between how I treat my Mother and how they treated me that day. I sat down and gave her a bagful of special things I had selected that may help her through this difficult time of not being able to really do much mentally and physically each item with a symbolic of useful meaning. Or the pictures I framed lovingly or the money I gave her to help with an expensive doctor apt. Or all the time and care of the last few weeks and my missed work for Doctor apt and speaking 7 times a day on phone when  normally can't even make time for more than texting .And I  would not change a thing as she is my mom and I love her more than life .She is worth it . I gave her my favorite pillow and my favorite pair of jogging pants - anything to make her feel a little happiness 

Maybe it was that sharp contrast this year that made it so painful 

Maybe I am a tiger mom 

Maybe I just really needed some tender loving care for myself and some needed family time 

Maybe I just once in a while need to be reminded that I do all this for a reason and a purpose and that it is worth it 

I thought Mother's Day was for that. I thought it was and it wasn't for me this year 

This year I lost my chance and the hurt is overwhelming me and taking over . I  am not sure I have every felt this sad or disappointed  over any event 

It hurts to be a mom.

Ps only good news is that I woke up the next morning miserable and feeling sorry for myself and asked myself if I still wanted to go to the gym ? And my answer was yes! I am at the point of habit where it actually know it makes me feel better (which it did)

Then also in the day I got very apologetic and sweet texts from all of my family (but I made it clear I was not fully ready to accept their apology)

And I went on business class to Miami for work the next afternoon and pigged out on both the food at the business class lounge and the food on the plane. Somehow if something really yummy is free I feel obliged to eat it .I even had a bowl of tasty tomato soup. Felt a bit like my own little Mother's Day celebration. With me - and me 

My Day

As I mentioned Mother's Day was a hot mess 

And I basically fumed about  it mostly internally for a week .

And then I decided to move on and accept all their apologies and forgive .

So Sunday they all redid Mother's Day and called it Tarina day . It was really nice . Everyone was on their best behaviour all weekend and they all had lovely cards and a super great gift that they all came up with :

Family time chargers: 3 separate chargers for their phones for my room so that when it is family time at the cottage they can charge their phones far away and be out of sight . ( vs the usual I can't put my phone away as need to charge it ! ) the chargers are all labeled with a family time sticker too ( ok ok so maybe it was not fully their idea but we all pretended it was )

Anyways best gift could get ( although would have preferred it a week ago )

Hubby got me an amazing suitcase that is perfect for my business travel  and really special . Also an iPad holder to watch movies on the Bali bed and some wristbands for the gym so the kettle balls stops bruising me when I swing them

Then they all made a really fancy brunch ( eggs Benedict asparagus bacon toast hash downs fruit ) and the boys each gave me a long massage which was heavenly . Beauty is giving me her hot chocolate mommy daughter treat in a few weeks when her 35 extra hrs of dance a week are over !

We had a great family jacuzzi and watched a totally funny comedy together about families .All in between lots of study hours and all of us working around the cottage to get it ready for spring 

What stuck with me was just the love and what was written and drawn on beauty's card . The way bears card was rainbow written and must have take forever to write and how chase ... Was just chase and massaged me while talking about if he could have a party .

I loved being held and kissed by my husband .

I loved hearing how proud of my career they all are 

I just loved being with them 

It won't be a huge  "thank you!!!!!"this year -but it will be " I am thankful" And mostly grateful that my kids learned an important lesson in life about holidays and the importance of them-and were able to have the opportunity to fix what was broken through their deliberate actions and intentions

The cravings begin

I never imagined my body would crave excecise or anything close to that .

Crave sleep food or leisure certainly ! But excecise ? No way ... Not me .

Not did I ever really believe that I would be in a good enough routine in excercise  that when I miss a day or a week something feels missing from my life . Unimaginable actually . And that my husband and I would be doing this together ? For real ?

I guess the slogan of " takes 90 days for a habit to form " is really true . In our case it has been 5 months that it took to feel any type of attachment . And trust me it is still not like intellectually i feel like ever going to the gym but physically my body seems to want it . 

It's not as though we are hard core exercisers either ! Only two times a week we do very very intense circuit and kettle ball training . Then another two times a week I power walk and my hubby walks with me or jogs . And we also walk to and from the gym both days which is about 15 mins each way . And we have been doing this since October 2014 with generally consistency ( with a few weeks of for vacation or injuries or travel for work )

What makes me so proud is that it really does not fit into our lives in any shape or form . We have no time for this at all but have really prioritized it and made it happen ( only took me 43 yrs !!! ) . If anything this would be the worst time to excercise  . My business travel is at an all time high and so is my stress level . My moms needs have been requiring massive amounts of time and energy as well as that we have lost all help in our home since January and we have depended on this help for years with the types of careers we have and built our schedules around it .

Both hubby and I have had big back issues ( mine  returned as Chiro dumped me ) and hubby a new issue last few months .

And both of us have no time for our lives .. Relaxations .. Communication or our important to do lists at work or home . But we still go to the gym . ( hubby craves it less than I do but he is disciplined and goes nonetheless )

So we have made it happen !! I can't believe it ! I remember a great friend and colleague sitting with me at barbies restaurant and saying to me " just commit and do a class once a week . Commit and make it happen. Every week " sounded like such good advice and simple but I was never able to do it and now I have .

And it is not for the same motives . My only motivation used to be for how

I looked . Now it is simply for how I feel . I feel stronger . I stand taller . My weight is the same but I believe I look better in clothes (even if it is in my own head feels good !) I am doing this for reasons that are more important : because I need to be healthy . I have had enough examples around me lately to understand that Health and protecting it has to be a number one priority 

Hopefully those push-ups and kettle ball swings are working their magic inside of my body . Hopefully those walks there and back and in between will allow me to more successfully walk up stairs at the school without being out of breath and do the walk of gods on our upcoming trip to Italy with chase .and hopefully it will provide a good example to our children of health and prioritizing  ( finally !)

It's probably just a coincidence but everyone this year in our house is in the best shape of their lives . All three kids are pure athletes and already in shape but this year have taken it to another level . Bear now works out at his lunch hour at the gym 5 days a week. Chase 3-4 times a week at a gym and hired a personal trainer with his own money and super into health and fitness and eating well  . And beauty is always working out bc of dance many days a week after school and has now said wants to add more cardio to the mix and start running with her dad 

I think the kids see how busy are lives are and how little time we have to spare but yet early mornings leave the house and come back sweaty . It has changed something in us .. In them and in our lives .

It is hard but necessary for us 

We made it happen after years and years and years of talking about it and no action .

Just do it !!

Matters of the Heart

Matters of the heart

( sorry for typos on an ipad )

As you know from this blog - i am a very open person. I see truth and vulnerability as a strength and i admire it so much in both others and myself as i evolve into the type of person that is able to more and more feel what i feel.

But when i look at this blog over the last number or years  i rarely write about that is a big part or my heart. My mom and her health( or lack of it ) i write about her often as she is such a big part of our daily lives ..... But i don't write much about the heartbreaking parts as it is as if my head allows myself to believe it all.


My mom is one of the closet closest people in my life . Sometimes i feel like saying she is the closet but over the years i have made the important journey of not allowing that and making  more place in my heart for my husband , my kids and my friends . And my own life .
I am an only child and have had a complex and beautiful relationship with my mom . And we are still as close as peanut butter and jam. And strikingly different in personality yet share a lot of he same outward appearance


My dad was super super unwell growing up and made it a very difficult life in many ways as a child but i always had my mom as the beautiful anchor of it all . Hard to say i had a hard childhood with her in it .

Years of pain have plagued my mom . As of my mid teens i just remember her always focusing on health and pain whether it be in her stomach , shoulder , exhaustion . It seemed to jump from one place in her body to the next and was always a focus but not the centre of who she was . But it was always there . Growing up with my dad so constantly unwell from a mental health standpoint made me keenly aware of when my mom was not well physically as there was nothing  i wanted more than to know that at least one of my parents was well and able .


Over the years my mom has had a lot of stuff going on  but nothing crazy . The stuff of inflammatory arthritis, sever asthma , thyroid issues , stomach issues etc . You name an aliment and she has it. But they have all fallen into the category of although annoying and painful ..... Manageable

Then her world ( and mine ) turned upside down 2.5 yrs ago when she bumped her head and was left with a concussion .
That never went away.

She was one of the unlucky few that had post concussion syndrome and daily since has not had the same life . Headaches daily almost , not being able to watch tv or read more than a few mins  of or a few pages etc . She works 2 days a week and has had to go back and forth being able to work and not being able to work . The first year was awful , the second year a little bit more ( very slightly) doable  and the last 6 months finally improving where she could watch a half movie often with sunglasses on maybe once a month

Then 14 days ago she hit her head slightly again . And this when you have already a traumatic brain injury ...  you  re concuss and puts you back to square one . It is extremely common to happen over and over and over

So there she is back at sqarew one . In her apartment . Alone . Not even  being able to answer one single  text without a new headache and new nausea . Not being able to do anything at all except lie there and rest . Saying goodbye to what was and hello to this living hell that never seems to end. Depending on people for the simplest of tasks .

I have not seen improvement in the last 14 days and i am petrified .
I am scared
I am angry
But mostly i am heartbroken

And i am praying really really hard that there is an end to this ever ending nightmare . Tomorrow i go with her to an appt that has nothing to do with this to find out what to do with a tumour that  has grown near her neck and if it requires surgery . Just one more thing to add the long list of pain and difficulties .

I am working tirelessly to help my mom , to be there for her , but more important to research and find her help, get that help , prepare he medical files . But mostly i am in shock and in awe of how quickly things in life can deteriorate

And as much happiness in my life as there is .... Its hard to feel it when another part of my heart is so low and sad . There are very few things in this world or people at i love as much as my mommy or that i am as connected or committed to. This happening to her on every level feels like it is happening to me

I half two brothers and they are my half brothers as we shared the same dad but not the same mom . At one point one of them said to me doing the dying process of my dad how alone he felt on so many levels and felt it was so hard as he didn't feel that he could share those deep intimates feelings of sadness with me about a person he really loved ( which was true as my dad and i were  almost strangers  for many years of my older adult life life on and off)

And i looked at him and felt so much pain for him . So much sadness . I caused it- but i also got it completely . As i have felt that my entire life being my moms only child.  Loving someone alone ... Is lonely. And my mom is young and 65 and not married . Her and my dad divorced 20 yrs ago and my dad passed away 5 yrs ago.


So if anyone out there has any advice or help i am here please to take it . Not much is out there  for concussion  and post concussion patients . And my goal is at least to get my mom to a place where she can function again and read the love letters of my heart i will  always send her .