Lovely Stinky Feet

My Protector is scoring some major brownie points with the girls of the house this week.

Beauty in particular is impressed.

Her Daddy went today and volunteered at the school for the skating activity. He went and tied up all the skates of her class. She was pleased as punch that’s for sure.

This both heightened by own guilt complex about never volunteering and made me so proud of my husband both at the same time.

Every year without fail Beauty turns to me one winter weekend and asks me the dreaded question:

“Mommy can you come and volunteer at the school and tie up skates for my class please?”

“Umm..What date does that fall on sweetie?” ( look in blackberry-can’t fall anywhere Mon-Friday 6am-10pm any week of the year)

“Well you have these 6 Fridays to choose from-it’s from 10:15 to 11:15am”

“Sorry Sweetie I can’t-I am at work”

Beauty slumps in her chair, hurt and distressed and I go back and forth between feeling like I should win an award for worst mom of the year and shame and anger  and so to “fix” it all I usually end up blurting out and regretting it later:

“Sweetie-I think the stay at home Mommies should go and tie up the skates-they have lots more time for stuff like this-maybe you and I can go to dinner and a movie one night soon together?”

“No Mommy lots of the working Moms come too. Stay at home Moms work too you know. You need to come. Tell your boss please”

Crap!!!!! Even if I had one moment of time to volunteer at the school will I choose to tie up skates of smelly footed children?? No way!!!! This almost beats scrubbing old toys  at a smelly old daycare at community partnership day at work! (yes I realize I can use some help in the volentering spirit department ok???)

“Is this really, really important to you sweet girl?”

“Yes Mommy it is”

“Oh..ok then. Daddy will go”

And Daddy does!!!!! Yay Dadddy!!!!! You saved the day. And your girls love you!

Ready or Not-Here We Come!

“The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken”

Samuel Johnson

For Family Night tonight, my Guy was the Director.

I always love it when it is his turn, because I never know what he is going to come up with exactly or the way he will choose to position things with the kids.

I think he did a fine job tonight.

His subject was a really, really tough one to say the least.

He spoke about Addiction.

Addiction to drugs, to alcohol, to smoking, to gambling, to biting your nails, to technology. He spoke of important things and how our bodies and brains are connected.

I like the type of dialogue we are creating with our children of open communication where we share with them our own obstacles and our challenges from our own lives and also the smart and good decisions that we have made.

There are a few things we insist on from our children and communicating with us is one of them.

We want them to come to us and we can help them if they feel peer pressured. We can teach them to keep a beer in their hand and add water to it so no one fills it up again and pressures them to have another. We can teach them ways to stand up to friends and make their own choices. We can be there for them if they get into situations that we will not be pleased about and assure them that the most important thing that matter s to us is their safety.

We are the type of parents that would pick up our child in a heartbeat if they were drunk (even though they were not allowed to drink) and shut our mouths and not say a word and just be thrilled they called for a lift. We will gladly shut our mouths any day of the week and give up any rules if our kids make safe choices.

I fundamentally disagree with imposing strict and rigid rules on teenagers when it comes to drinking, sex, smoking etc. I think it always backfires and mostly ensures that the kids do it anyways behind our backs and carry loads of guilt with them for a lifetime.

I do believe in empowering kids to make choices that are good for their health, their safety and well being.

So it was a heavy night. Chase especially looked weighted down by it all. Distraught. Disturbed by our candor and honesty. I realized that we have been treating him younger than he is. It’s time for us to talk to him more often of what is likely surrounding him in his life at school.

I was proud of my Guy tonight. He did an amazing job of opening up a channel of communication with our three children that was not there before.

It’s gonna be an interesting decade.

A Simple Truth

As we go through life, we learn.

One thing that I have learnt in phase 2 of my kid’s lives has been that the more time you spend with them, the more you enjoy them and the more they enjoy you.

The more time you spend. The easier it all gets.

What has changed for me in the last couple of years it not the amount of time I spend with my kids-but the quality of time I spend with them.

I likely spend less and less time with them as they get older. They need me less, I work more, and Hubby works more.

What I have done though is make sure that we are spending our time in ways that matter to the family. Each week there are certain special ways in which we connect and per month certain rituals that we do to that have us all come together.

These are besides our regular family dinners and holidays and ski lessons and sports etc..

They are specific to our family and to our values.

These moments always bring us back to where we belong

I have realized that tradition and ritualization is healthy for my family as much as I have struggled with certain elements around it..because it is just one more thing to plan. I have struggled with that what I need if anything, is more spontaneity in my life and not more tradition. However…I have also now realized a very simple truth. What I don’t plan does not happen.

I used to have some rituals with friends that have disappeared…because they were not planned together.

I used to have a certain day I spoke on the phone every week  with an extended family member but last year we did not plan this. It did not happen.

What I put focus on happens. What I do not..Does not. It's that simple for me.

I like the quote on my friend’s blog this week:

“Plan far enough ahead”

I think this is  important for us all to keep in mind as we make decisions now that affect the rest of our lives,

It’s likley comes  naturally for most of us that this is  important to do at work.

What about at Home?

Professor -October 12th 1939 -January 31st 2011

“Parents rarely let go of their children, so in some instances children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them-a mother’s approval, a father’s nod-are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much much later, as they get older themselves and the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives”

(Mitch Albom-the five people you meet in heaven)

This is my favorite picture of you and I. I love that you are holding me and taking care of me.

I have it framed in my living room. I have put it there since you passed away. Funny eh how I cannot look at this picture without an automatic tear trickling down my face? Like even now just writing this has the ability to leave me feeling  so full of emotion. That I allow myself to feel more in your death  rather than in life.

After everything, I am still that little tiny baby girl in so many ways eventhough I have my own babies.

Even if you and I always both had words for everything-they were never many for the relationship between us were there?

It was complex, and intricate, and far and distant, yet close and comforting in some ways. It was full of emotions, sadness, loss, disappointment and pain.

It always had softness and love though. I was always 100% convinced that you loved me with all your heart. That is important for a daughter to understand right? No matter what? That still matters a lot to me that I always knew that.

Somehow you made that message very clear through it all. Somehow I always felt through it all that I mattered very, very much. Still.

We stopped knowing each other a long time ago for many reasons. I am glad at the end I had courage to come back even for a short small while.

It left me with peace and it left you with peace I think too.

When I saw you on January 31^st still and quiet and peaceful with your flower on you-it left me with an image of peace. Peace for you. My big brother tried to stop me, (and I loved him to bits for this) but I needed to see. It brought me peace.

In this last year many of my struggles have subsided. They will always be a part of me-but I have let most of it go. Words have helped me a lot. Writing has too. Each time someone says my brain works quickly or my writing has impacted them, I will be grateful to you. You gave me both.

As I said-you were my first teacher, of course, Professor.

I have begun to realize more since you passed away  about how desperately I craved a Father all my life. It seems like many moments of my life have tried hard to make up for an areas that did not seem accessible to me. How I have spun things, and created things, and dreamt things, and obsessed about things, and made things orderly, and lived in chaos-all in search…..of something I felt I did not have. I make up for in my life daily what I felt I have never had at the core but so desperately wanted.

If there is a heaven up there, please send me a sign of peace and joy?  Please send me a little wish that I may find and keep with me forever? Your final farewell perhaps?  Sent specifically for your girl? If you send it-I will find it. I am good at searching. I am good at finding.

May I be Free of Worry?

May I be Well?

May I feel Safe and at Ease?

May I feel at Peace?

Thank you for the peace you offered me in your papers as you departed. I used some money to build a beautiful dock on the water at our new cottage. When I sit on it, and I receive our family and our friends, their smiles, their happiness-I think of you. I try to remember on that dock, more of the beginnings than the ends.

I have named it “Underwater Whale” to remember you and to honour you. We both know we never came up to the surface for each other but we had our own ways of swimming sometimes underwater together. I will think of you and remember you as I swim, and come up for air, and go underneath again. I will dream of you as I strive to live my life above water and not underneath it

I will think of you as I continue to put ink in my pen and let music flow back into my heart.

““Shining sun over the lake.. my domain”

Winter Wonderland

I love winter...probably almost as much as summer. I never thought that could be so-but as I lie here at Trent in front of a fire, looking out with the beautiful blustering snow blowing around the snow tipped tree tops...I begin to understand that I rarely come across such beauty in nature. I love the look of snow.

I wasn't always like this-I used to wish winter away in fact. About 7 yrs ago though we went out and bought super warm (and expensive!) long johns and ski suits for everyone and continue to make our winter wardrobe and warmth a priority and ever since we are fans of winter. We are warm.

Gone are the days of freezing my ass of literally. Toasty warm makes a difference I assure you.

Below I am listing our 5 top winter loves(I think I can speak for our whole (sleeping) gang here.

1-Skiing. I have never seen all 3 of my kids so passionate about anything like they are about skiing. This year even our 10 year old daughter has far surpassed both her parents in ability. We are good-they are great.
We love watching their form, their style, their grace. It's wonderful. As for us we like it a lot too-but like the ski lift conversations and the apres ski just as much. Two hours-perfect for us. Clearly not enough for them. Hooray new cottage with ski mountain 10 mins away and all 3 being able to now ski their little hearts out with or without us there the whole day.


2-Skating in the forest. Gorgeous ice rink here near cottage twirling around the trees. A true winter wonderland .
Hubby and Bear cross country to the rink and back:)

3-Cross country skiing. We have a gorgeous path minutes from here and although I just began this sport this year about three times now and I TOTALLy SUCK at it- I love it. It is so peaceful and calm. I love looking at the treetops and the snow and getting a workout while I am doing it. Now....if I could now just be good at it..then I would like it even more.

4-Jacuzzi's outside or inside with windows open. You know those spas that have outside jacuzzis in winter? Love that. Love feeling of snow falling on my head and freezing head and hot body. The best.

5- Reading and writing by the fire. We can sit many hours just staring at the flames. Mesmerizing and cozy and wonderful. I just did a very detailed and lengthly task for work I have been putting of all week for work and it was pleasant in front of the fire...flames relax me.

(6-sorry!) Watching kids be so active and playing outside all the time. Ice hockey, shimmy hockey, toboggans, skiing, snowmen, neighbor's skidoo. Shoveling the roof with Dad-and clearing the rink. Love that tv is and afterthought in winter wonderland. In the city they do nothing but stay inside-in the country they do nothing but be outside. Makes me happy.

Will end on a slightly negative note: I could seriously do without scraping ice off my car everyday, wearing huge winter coats over bulky business suits, having to slip and slide during power walks and doing errands in the freezing cold.

My advice for the winter: Buy some seriously warm clothes for outside and start loving a winter sport. You will surely be converted. Promise.

Bad Cashews and Conversations

It's been a rough week. That's for certain.

My hubby has been involved in very difficult extended family conversations over difficult matters.

What has hit me this week around this is how emotional stress takes a toll on us physically-the link is so clear.

Suddenly headaches, wanting to throw up, indigestion and backaches start creeping up. At first you don't make the link and connect the dots-but it's all right there in front of you.

When I asked my husband one day this week if he thought he had the stomach flu-he wrote me back and said "no just bad cashews and conversations"

A few words of encouragement from me by email....and my hope and kind words ...and tummy ache seemed to go away. (Poor guy that's all I could offer him -I have not been around for any of this stressful week he has had as I have had work commitments ).

I have also realized two things this week in terms of difficult conversations that I think are crucial when two people don't see eye to eye on something.

Acknowledgment
Integrity

No one ever intended that people should see things alike did they? We are all diverse for a reason.
Acknowledgment is a powerful communication tool-many wars would be alleviated if we used it more often. To reinforce our understanding of the way a person is feeling (despite if you feel that way too) To use acknowledgment as a way to connect and heighten your relationship.

To be acknowledged is to be heard.

To be heard is to feel connected.

Despite what further actions actually ever take place.

And integrity as a compass. To leave any situation with grace and respect and dignity, for yourself as that is who you have to live with in the end. Ensure that after all is said and done-you come out being proud of YOU.

I admire my Protector a lot, as in every interaction he takes in life, whether that be outside or inside our family these two values he carries with him. They make up who he is at the core.

As my guest blogger said a couple of weeks ago in her grounding post, family has the ability to bring us back to the beginnings in many ways of who we really are.

I might add-yes but what do you do about it when you come back to it -all grown up? I agree family has the ability to bring is to our knees, to make us have tummy aches, to make us hate nuts we usually love, to make us take an extra drink at midnight just to be able to sleep. We love them deeply but they have the ability to bring us to our rawest form.
But... I think they also have the ability to acknowledge us all grown up. If they want to that is...What a precious gift that is. To be seen and heard as who you are..now.

FAQ from Guest Blogger-Teacher of Beauty

We had some great questions about my guest blogger's first post...

Here are some answers that she has put together for you below:

al-oh-PEE-shah

Q. When you say you have lost your hair, what do that mean?

A. Exactly that. I have no hair on my head. Not one strand.

Q. What is it the name of the condition?

A. The condition is called Alopecia. Although I am by no means an expert, research tells me that it is considered an autoimmune disease, in which the immune system, which is designed to protect the body from foreign invaders such as viruses and bacteria, mistakenly attacks the hair follicles from which hairs grow. This leads to hair loss.

Q. Are there varying degrees?

A. There are a number of different types of Alopecia, but the ones I am most familiar with are:

Alopecia arreata – bald patches appearing typically on the scalp

Alopecia totalis – complete baldness on the scalp

Alopecia universalis – complete hairloss on the body

Q. How do you get it?

A. Now this is a very difficult question to answer. In short I do not know and neither do the medical profession. There is no known history in my family. There is no known medical cause. There is no way to catch it and there is no way to cure it.

Q. Is this a serious illness?

A. Alopecia is not a life-threatening disease and it does not cause any physical pain. In fact I have to say I am very healthy person. However let’s be clear this affects a person’s appearance dramatically which is of course a serious matter. The main effects of alopecia are primarily social and emotional however in the case of alopecia universalis, the loss of eyelashes and eyebrows and hair in the nose and ears can make a person more vulnerable to dust, germs and even bright sunshine.

Q. Does the hair grow back

A. Its apparently possible – who knows, I am not betting on it

Q. Is there a cure/treatment

A. To my knowledge, neither