A little Permission..

Today I gave myself permission. Small things but Big impact.

I have found myself going a bit crazy over the last number months, over my head in work, in chores, in house stuff, in exercise, in ritualization. I am fed up and I need a break.Completely Overwhelmed and I feel it in my body. Headaches, neck pain, more chiro appts, sadness, pain.

So this morning I woke up and instead of my daily grind of work, work and work before I go to the office and 30 minutes of exercise-I decided to cut out the exercise for the summer starting now.

(Except for my sacred Wednesday or Thursday morning class that keep me from a good amount of back and neck pain).

One might question why cut out something so good for you? Why that and not work? I can’t cut out work-I go in a bit later and so have always done work at home in the mornings it’s what works for me and gives me that flexibility in schedule.

Exercise as much as I like it and have got into a groove has got to go in the summer. Too much to fit in. So I decided to commit to my class once a week and for that other 30 minutes a morning I now have open…….to ENJOY.

So this morning I had 30 minutes to text a couple of friends, watch 5 mins of TV with my son who is off today, pack a healthy lunch for myself and dip in the pool instead of taking a shower!!! It felt soooooo good to be free (and I still get 90- minutes of emails etc done before I come into the office).

I also told my husband of my plan and we decided together to take on as minimal as possible between June 15-Sept 15. If we need a new rake wait until fall! A light breaks-stay broken until September! New bathing suit needed-manage with your old one! Costco and bulk food-no time until thanksgiving! (ok truth is I told my husband this plan and he shook his head yes-I think that was a nod anyways in a vertical direction).

Let’s try this out.

Too many people I respect around me lately have been saying the same thing-that they give themselves more breaks than I permit myself on many levels:

Do you have a Will?

No. I know it can cause problems-but just too lazy or have no time.

How do you find time to do all the household chores and outside stuff that needs to be done?

I don’t –I just ignore it all.

Isn’t June a crazy month for homework-how do you and the kids fit it all in?

I don’t they just get whatever marks they get.

My first thoughts were:

Oh My!

(Ok they are still Oh My!) with a big But. If you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions or inactions-well then big bravo to you! Or me now too! I can’t say I am converted…on many levels this will just never ever work for me. My mind is very strategic and long term and automatically fast forwards to the future with dead parents and orphan kids,  a house that won’t sell because not up kept and kids who don’t have careers because I did not push them in school. That being said….taking this mental break for a while won’t kill me or my family either!

To tell you the truth I have never quite considered just not doing something that is considered to me necessary or important.

Well today I did just that and so my 30 minutes of exercise went out the window for a short 2 months. I will get back on track for the other 10 months. And that does not mean I won’t take those morning 30 minutes to still exercise if I want to. Big difference. Want to vs feel have to.

So although I am a bit worried of the effect on my body…I will be like many other people I know who are very successful in life and take a chance. Live with the outcomes and hope for the best.

As I got dressed this morning, I was very pleased with my body in my slimming white skirt and long brown top. I have been eating very intuitively lately and putting the scale in a far off drawer and have been impressed with what I see in the mirror so far. A girl; now woman of 40 yrs who is finding her way and balance between the needed ritualization of food and exercise and the comfort of a life with lowered stress and expectations.

I liked the silhouette I saw both from the outside and inside. Hippy Chic Boho today-free and carefree and looking forward to an extra 30 minutes of morning indulgence in whatever form that takes

Aiming (carelessly and freely) for one of the best summers of my life.

Highschool Sweethearts Phase Two

Some things are very sweet

High school friends who are forever fall into that category. There is something about being with them, as a unit especially, that is comforting, needed and very very real.

Like coming home. Like being home. I love this feeling, I want more.

All in different phases at different times. Hard times, happy times, distant & confusing times, welcoming new life. All of us in all of these phases in little bits-not completely in one place or the next. All mixed together trying to figure it all out.

Being there for each other; understanding each other and supporting each other.

Being honest. Not putting up fronts. Taking down barriers.

Sharing our adorable children, showing them off, relishing in them. Watching them get to know eachother and bond.

Sharing that deepest part of our souls together.

Knowing that this circle is forever because we have chosen it to be. Knowing that as different as we all are, we "get" each other.

Knowing one day on that special day when I become what I am in my dreams in a decade-they will both be sitting there in the front row cheering me on. They may have created a title for a future bestseller book one day. First class tickets to some exotic place for both of them certainlyJ

They were there, both, as I struggled through my eulogy for my Dad with all three of us tears streaming down our faces. They understood. They have been there for me through good and through bad times I have never asked them to be.

They love me to bits-I am so lucky and this one is just luck because I have not always earned my keep in some more distant periods of my life that I have no excuses forL This one is luck.Sometimes good things happen to people just because. Lucky me.

I  have often been and will be witness for their lives and their moments. Capturing for them with camera and pen life's beautiful and fleeting moments. Cooking butter chicken and summer pasta. Loving their children and having them over for parties and sleepovers. Loving them from close and far away places.Planning showers and parties and priorities.

Giving them what I can……what I am good at. Working on what I am not.

Yes I shall.

To indulge in the circle of their affections, their lack of judgment, their continuous encouragement. To learn what it feels like to be truly listened to. To bask in that comfort and take it in.To seek to understand more..to leartn more. To accept someone for who they are. Amazing isn't it?????

Learning from these wise girls, as I always have….to access inside of me what is deep and meaningful. Letting it come forth in this second phase of my life.

Yes. Absolutely.

Undomestic Godess (ness)

For some people it is spiders, others heights.

For me the simple vision of a messy fridge needing tidying or unmade beds needing to be made for guests is outright terrifying. I dread domestic duties.

And it is not that I am so bad at them either-actually I am pretty good. I can cook some pretty mean meals, efficiently and swiftly too. I can organize well and decorate extremely well. Under my leadership, our house sparkles and delights.

I like the smell of clean laundry and get a certain satisfaction from accomplishing certain specific domestic tasks. But overall:

I hate domesticity. Plain and simple. I am just not wired for housekeeping. I try to change it but I can’t. I do it all anyways but that makes for a lot of resentful moments throughout a day, a week and a year especially when you own a second country home.

Mondays nearly kill me. It is the day that I work from home and so I am surrounded all day by dishes, tidying, unmade beds and meals that are supposed to be made: by me. I put it off as long as possible; I would rather do anything than those tasks. They always end up as last priority on me to do list or delegated.

They still get done in one way or another, because I am too smart to live in a pigstie. Most people would rate my house more organized and well kept than most. I still have standards, but it does not mean it is a pretty process. 

There is only so much delegating you can do when it comes to housework, if I could though I would have someone follow me throughout life and just lift things, and pick up things and pack things an unpack things. I know it sounds awful but it is the truth and so I tell it like it is. Thanks goodness my husband is the opposite of this he could cook and clean all day long and LIKE it. As I write this I wonder how he has put up with me for so long.

(I have a feeling I have many other coveted talents…and get your minds out of the gutter..stuff like organizing, planning, loving, making our home beautiful in my own way, and planning lots of fun stuff).

The only domestic thing I seem to tolerate really well is decorating. I love that part. I spend endless hours choosing the perfect vases for my home, the comfy throw covers, the most subtle turquoise for the walls, and the highest thread count sheets.

And then I seem not to care less if the blankets are on the floor, I keep the sheets for a dozen years and sleep with them with holes in them, and never put fresh flowers into the vases. What is wrong with me? Same with clothes. Spend small fortunes on them and then throw them on the floor. Do I think this funny?No!

Once in a rare while I start actually enjoying a little some domestic tasks. Like today at Trent I was making all the beds with lemon laundered sheets and I kind of liked it. I brought a new pinstripped blue comforter we for Chase’s bed that I knew would look so cottagey and cozy in his room. So there in my inner domestic goddess craziness, Chase comes down and rips it off the bed and insists on putting on the one that was sold to us with the house. White, dirty, ratty old an ugly! Yucky! And he says he can only sleep if the duvet part is all at one end of it leaving it looking dull, flat and plain old weird. Oh my……see why I hate domesticity? What’s the point anyway?

So all that to say that daily life can be challenging when you cringe at the thought of things domestic.
Especially when you are a girl that does the right thing and those things include feeding your family, choosing the right meals, making sure your home is welcoming and having fairly high hygienic standards. You take you role as wife and Mom seriously…and you refuse to eat at MacDonald’s more than twice a month. Add in entertaining massive crowds almost every weekend and you have a big, big problem.

So you do it often and delegate often too. You give your kids a lot of chores to lessen the load and you try to impress in other areas unrelated to the home to try and fend off abandonment from your husband. You choose the lesser of two evils and chose dinner dirty dishes over cooking and packing lists over packing the car. You bitch and complain a lot, but it all seems to get done somehow and you are still alive (and married).

Your hope remains that still one day you will write a Bestselling book that will make you rich enough to to find a way never to do anything domestic you don’t want to do but until then you will just suck it up and remain irritated at various parts of the day. You will try not to pass on this concerning attitude to your cheerful children.

So for now you will feel major panic attacks and headaches come on as you tackle pile of dishes, and still have no idea where your iron is kept, but will happily give presentations in front of crowds, manage large budgets, and mediate nasty corporate interactions. You will fear making a pie, but effectively contribute and manage key elements of major corporate restructurations. You will nearly cry when salad dressing spills all over your cooler and need to wash out the lining, but laugh and take lightly major deadlines at work that would put some people over the cliff with stress and worry. Making breakfast will always be more of a struggle than attending important breakfast meetings. And that is just how it is..and who you are. Diversity at it’s finest.

 Maybe I am really a man??

The fact remains however that although you can appreciate the smell of clean laundry or make a mean summer pasta if forced too and decorate as some have said with some of the talent of Martha Stewart..if a birthday gift is to be hid somewhere the best place is still in the laundry machine as it is guaranteed that I will NEVER go there.

So maybe one day I will change my ways, I surely hope so. Maybe one day I will wake up and want to bake cupcakes and ice them lovingly. But for now, I choose to surround myself with others who do enjoy these tasks, and I try to make myself as sweet as possible and appreciate all the sweets they provide me.
And I contribute in the ways I can, and in return, boss them around, plan out their lives and tell them what is good for them.and they all sem to welcome that and love it and come back fro more often!!! It all seems to even out somehow and for the most part….we all seem to be pretty content in these unusual and unique roles.I aim for Win-Win in life.

If you really hate me-ask me to bake a loaf of bread from scratch. That is just way to much to handle ok? Please try and refrain.I beg you.

Frontloading

I have always been a big fan of what I have termed “Frontloading”. I have referred to it often in my blogs.

Frontloading to me (and I think I may have invented this term-or forgotten that I stole it from somewhere) means having an attitude towards life that it is more beneficial to plan up front, expect the worst, plan for the best, and be as ready as possible for all of life’s challenges for ourselves, our couple, our children , our work and our life in general.

It means basically to do things daily that take quite a lot of effort on a continuous basis vs. only when a crisis hits.

We often see that when a crisis hits people convert to a frontloading style more often for the future. A heart attack brings on a dedicated diet and exercise regime. A divorce brings on a second marriage with a lot of care and attention to open communication, quality time spent and nurturing the relationships, the loss of a job brings forth a diligent matching of skills and passions so that the next job brings fulfillment and happiness, a child’s failed school year and summer school brings on excellent marks the following year in the same subject.

However as much as a fan I am of frontloading I also am aware that it takes a damn lot of work to do this throughout a lifetime and is exhausting!

But which is more exhausting doing smaller, deliberate things everyday or dealing with massive crisis periodically? And also there are many situations that cannot be frontloaded at all or prevented…this clearly only covers part of life’s crisis.

So as I get deeper and deeper into my Happiness Project I tend to talk about happiness more with my colleagues, my friends and my clients. What makes them happy?  What depresses them?  Can they influence their life circumstances before they happen? What can they do? Will Frontloading help?

So as I analyze this I look at examples from my own life where I know a lot more Frontloading could be of benefit in the future but I have not committed to it yet in these cases.

Exercising. I am often on and off committed and then waver. I have friends just as busy as me who exercise 6 days per week religiously! Hmm…which one of us is more likely to fend off health problems in the future…?

Religious instruction for my kids. I have sucked in this area. Have barely even spoken to them about the notion of believing or not believing. When they want to marry a Catholic partner in 15 yrs. and they have not completed 2 out of three of the sacraments-who are they going to blame? Or when they say “Mom-what religion are we exactly or are we religious at all? Who’s fault will that be?

Or having a tidier house on a day to day basis. I mean who wants kids who turn into wives and husbands who don’t scrape their plate into the garbage as they leave the table or that still eat salad with their hands at 14? Who’s fault will it be when the new wife says “love this guy-lots of values but can he use a fork please-can’t handle the table manners ADIOS!”

Or the bigger things that I have definitely not frontloaded on, such as keeping my temper in check at home in front of my kids when I am furious with my husband, or not using an irritable or sarcastic tone with my family almost on daily occasions. That I choose not to invest my time into fixing that but framing pictures for our walls instead?

Now for the things I have Frontloaded on that I think have made a major difference.

I pay attention to the relationships around me. I think I have fended off divorce many a time by the effort we put into our relationship together. Talking, discussing, seeking help, aligning, etc…this is a huge effort and takes up a lot of time neither of us have, but I think it is a key factor in the success of our relationship. We don’t fix what is broken, we try to catch it before it breaks (which is often!!!)

This is surely not to say that all relationships can be saved by Frontloading-but I think it is an important factor to consider as we get married, have kids and build a family. There are so many things we can do upfront to make our chances higher of staying together higher (if that is what we want).

I pay attention as a daughter, as a friend, as a sister, as a niece and as a wife and mother. Most of the time anyways. And when I don’t …I am very open to hearing about it and changing it as soon as I can. I am very aware of the relationships around me and the importance of sustaining them. Of the happiness they provide me and my family and also the support network for us for the future. I would say relationships above all come first in my life above anything.

Sometimes certainly some before others, but those are conscious decisions. Also I know when to give up, or give a little less-when the relationships are just not where it needs to be and I can’t see that changing. This has been something I have learnt more carefully over the years through different experiences-where to put my relationship energies. Where I get the most happiness is usually the answer for me. Relationships need to be fulfilling for all parties involved.

And all the little frontloading tasks that I do all day long to defend off future danger –either real or perceived, that take up so much time, but that I hope will prevent crisis in the future. Having my kids do homework in an organized fashion, having them contribute around the home, reading books on subjects that matter to me, taking the time to give and receive feedback, making sure legal papers are in order, saving money for the future, meeting with financial advisors yearly to look at our future situations, spending quality one on one time with the kids, having family meetings, ensuring kids eat healthily, making sure all of us have dentist, doctor appts every year, investing in braces for my son. Etc…ETC..ETC….

The list is honestly endless as I am sure that yours is too.

But the point is focusing on not only the “TO DO” list only, which I call the survival list. Focusing much more on the longer term thinking list.

The “What If” list

The “Just in Case” list.

And to do so takes tremendous discipline because the survival to do list calls to me daily and often overrides the future list.

But I believe strongly that success is a balance of the two equally, each day and every day and not just once a year when it is time to make new years resolutions!

So I sit back recently and analyze all this stuff a lot as I see myself struggle with it, and I see friends think about it and clients seek help on it.

I think often people who have had more difficult childhoods tend to be bigger Front loaders. They have an innate instinct to fend off danger. They don’t assume life will be a bowl of cherries at all and they do everything in their power to stabilize their lives. I have observed adults whose childhoods were more stable an which the parents were very involved and did a lot for their kids, then to be less Frontloading in their adult lives. They tend to expect the best and not be as afraid of what the future holds. That is what I have observed.

What I have also seen so far is that people who don’t Fontload a lot are often happier and more joyful and peaceful on a more daily basis…until they hit a big crisis. And then their crisis seems at a certain point to be stronger, and bigger and more frequent.

The people who Frontload a ton, are more stressed and wound up on a daily basis, have less time to smell the flowers, have a lot on their mind and their plates. When a crisis hits they seem to be able to have an easier time dealing with it. Crisis comes less often, are less frequently and are managed in an easier way.

And of course we don’t even think of including crisis which have nothing to do with Frontloading such as matters of health, death, massive problems with children’s health and welfare etc... These things are just awful unfair acts that occur to people no matter if they frontload or not.Clearly.

So lately as I find myself debating if I want time to smell the flowers more often, or more deliciously, or have more time to turn my brain off and live life to the fullest in the present. Something seems to always hold me back from converting (and my husband to)

We ask ourselves “At what expense?”

Are we willing to cut something out of our lives such as taking 2-3 full days a year to compile family albums, frame pictures and send pics to friends and family of important events that bring us and then happiness? Not sure...

Are we willing to save less money and spend it now? And then have one of us or our children get sick (knock on wood!) and not have the means to pay for exceptional medical care?

Are we willing to not put as much family effort into weekends and family times where we have to think about ingredients for the next meal, go get it, cook with kids etc…. Not so sure as I only have them for a limited number of years with me and want to spend as much time quality with them as possible.

But it may be that all of these things are wearing us down too. A need to evaluate where we are placing our energies and really ask ourselves and agree on if these these are important and urgent for us. To perhaps continue on the same path and lessen our load a little?  Maybe care a little less? Be a bit more “Whatever”.

Four people in the last week have said in some form or another to me when I ask “how do you find the time to get done in your life all that you need to do”? They have all answered in different ways but come back to the same point “It doesn’t get done.”

And if they are willing to live with the consequences, then I think their choices are inspirational. If they are not that is a whole other ballgame.

I think in life there are two ways that breed success:

1-You don’t frontload and are willing to accept the consequences

2-You frontload in life and are willing to accept the work, detail and devotion it takes

I think  these two above statements, in different forms, lead to success and to peace and joy ultimately in people. This is what I have observed.

So for the moment I choose to continue trekking away, as I know that I will never be able to accept the consequences of something I did not try to fend off if it is unpleasant. I am just not wired that way-although sometimes…..I wish I were.

Or I just move to a place where all I do all day is read, swim and suntan on the beach, go for a run in the morning, and have a nap in the afternoon. End the day with a beautiful homemade dinner made with tomatoes I have picked and basil I have grown in my garden. Be cuddled and adored at night in the bed we lovingly share. Have a full 10 hours of sleep on my carefully ironed linen sheets and dream of the next lucious day.

And give up my 3 kids for adoption who are the main cause of my Frontloading! Never!

Know and Go After What you Want in Life

You know those Dreams you have?

When they try and speak to you…listen closely..very closely.

Don’t sell your dreams short. Work towards them. Work with them. Don’t deny them.

Dreams aren’t always easy to achieve, but always worth it to pursue in the end. If you know what your dreams are, you will achieve them.

Obstacles are always a part of dreams. Part of achieving our dreams in life is experiencing the path to get there. Being part of the process.

Dreams don’t come along that often.

When they do, seize the moment. Stand up and take notice. Let them in.

Make them happen.

They belong to you.

Claim them as yours.

Advice for my Child

It is red and purple and takes over half of her lovely face.
I have no idea how it got there and likely never will.

When I see her, for the moment I see the burn. So do all the kids in her class.

She is “the girl with the burn on her face”-that is who she is. Why is that so? Why don't we they call her by her name? She must have one..of that I am certain.

What about the other half of her face-where did it go? Do people still see it? Does she still see it herself?

She has a breathtakingly beautiful face.

Imagine that the burn became part of her instead of all of her.
Imagine that the people and the kids looked toward her and not away from her.
Imagine people could see beyond her burn. See this lovely child's face?

How could that happen? Could it be to look her in the eye and ask her directly what happened to one side of her skin? Could it be to acknowledge that half her face has been burned? Could it be to articulate her reality in words to her directly?
Let her hear you aloud? Words spoken instead of hushed.

Why pretend her face is not burned and ignore it? What purpose does that serve? She clearly knows her face is different and she clearly knows you know too. So why is it so hard to acknowledge?

Why exactly is that?

Is it her fault because she does not invite you to by her body language and words-does she keep you at a distance? Is it your fault because you can't find the courage and face your own fears about how this burns scares you or makes you feel?

When did it become so hard to see someone for who they are?  Why do we protect ourselves at the expense of other’s feelings? What has happened in this world?

Why would we allow a simple burn to define someone? Why would she even allow that happen to herself?

But the story becomes beautiful..with simple steps. And lucky you get to change that, if you choose to my sweetheart.

If you were to  acknowledge her difference, if you talk about it, if you accept it, if you see it as part of her and not something that happened to her......that you will set her free.

And there is nothing better in life than feeling free.

You get to see her in a way that is way more beautiful than she probably would have been without that burn -and she gets to see you for who you are too and not for the person why is desperately trying not to notice who she really is.You get to be you and she gets to be her. All because you saw, you spoke and you surrendered to the truth.



All the sudden she is not a burn. She is a girl just like you.
And just like you she is beautiful some days and not so beautiful on others.

Wouldn't it be lovely if the world was full of people accepting others for who they are in totality? For not denying in others what is theirs and embracing them fully

So just look at her. All of her. And soak her in. Let her know you are staring because she may just be the sweetest thing you have ever seen. Get curious and ask all of the questions that are floating around in your head.
Because in the end with you freeing her, you get to be free too.

And what a wonderful place to be..for both of you. Especially that you made a choice and chose to be there. And she did too by accepting your gentle invitation.

And in life it is the leaders who call the shots. It is the leaders that others decide to follow. People like you.

Take the first step and lead.

Be With People Where They Are

More and more this is becoming a mantra for me.

Right up there with Trust the Dots will Somehow Connect and Come Complete with Capability.

The older I get-the wiser too. This is a hidden gift of turning 40 I think; we use our brains more. Maybe because we have slightly less beauty to rely on? Or to be fair a bit more middle aged beauty to rely on?

We begin to realize that people in this world, close and far away from us…are really all over the place. In any given day despite what place we are in, the people surrounding us may be in completely different spaces. One could be overjoyed, the other sad, the other depressed, the other elated, one being laid off, one getting cancer, one winning the lottery, one having a new baby and another giving one up for adoption.

Talk about different perspectives that all these people may have based on the own personal situations!

A friend the other day re-counted a tidbit from her life, that I found so confusing on many levels. She seemed surprised that I was surprised, but gave little thought to the place I was with little context she provided with her news. She made the assumption that I was where she was-that I had any understanding of her unique situation and context.

I do that all the time to people. What you don’t understand how irritable I am right now-I mean I just saw my Dad in the hospital! You don’t get why I am short with my kids-I have been with them alone all week! I have little time for our relationship right now of course you understand-we just went through reorganization at work!

Have some compassion!

But really what we need to say is:

Let me explain to you and provide clarity. Try to be with me where I am now.

So the last few weeks I have been very aware of where people are and how to be with them in that place. People seem to feel more comfortable and better when I am in the same place as they are-or try to be anyways.

So in the last few weeks I had had some conversations with friends where in my head I am struggling to catch on, or to see that point of view, or to comprehend what is being said…I suspend judgment and just listen. To ask questions that from their point of view rather than mine. To get into their heads a bit-even if their heads don’t necessarily make sense to me.

And therin lies the dilemma right? Most people seem to have the ability to listen well and reflectively and really be there for others. Quite a few people are good at that.

But are there many people who are capable of really challenging someone or having them think of things in a completely different way? Those are personally the people that I want to be beside me.

Challenge me! Play devil’s advocate! Disagree with me! Teach me something!

I would likely less welcome someone trying to be with me where I am. Sometimes, for a short while that can be helpful…but more importantly Take me to a new place. A place I have never been before. Don’t leave me stuck going around and around in circles.Help me! Save me S’il vous plait???

Tough love took me to some incredible places. It made me do things I would have never been able to see or do had I not been pushed firmly by a caring and courageous friend.

But I am already good at tough love already, so what I need to be better at is being with people where they are. The combinations of the two would likely been the most powerful. I will aim for that.

So as I lay in bed the other night I asked me the question “And what if the place someone is, is not where I want to be” and my answer was clear….don’t go there.

Leave them in that place nevertheless. Not in a bad way, but in a kind way. You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Nor should you be expected to be. There are some situations and contexts where you just won’t be useful, or be able to be where they may want you to be.

And that is perfectly ok.