Moving Closer

Though some may call it a tragedy-I am going to call what we experienced a trial. Living through precarious circumstances has tried us again and again; in other words it has given us a chance to prove ourselves to ourselves. We were able to push through, in addition to other upheavals, because we finally accepted that if there is one thing you can expect form life, it is the unexpected. Once we stopped looking for someone to blame, including each other, we could brace each other and hold tight.

My favorite passage from “Wife for Life”

There are always particular moments in life that touch us. Mine often occur on vacation simply because it is there that I take the time to notice the simple lovely things. This vacation was no exception.

There was a large wedding at our resort while here and although the wedding hardly touched us (really stern, harsh looking bride and groom!) their extended family did. Especially the gorgeous guy in the wheelchair. I could not take my eyes off of him.

I loved his style. Turquoise shirt, beige pants, cool shoes, windblown messy dark hair and expensive shades. And a really really nice  sexy sultry smile. And his wheelchair was pretty cool too and made for the beach with big wheels for the sand. But all of this is not what impressed me of course-one of many gorgeous men on the beach. It was what he radiated as a human being and the love that surrounded him.

He had what I imagine what his brother was looking after his every need but the brother looked so much like he wanted to help him. Like his partner. His foundation in so many ways. It was almost as if they shared the burden of what happened to the guy in the chair. It was this brotherly love that struck me most. It is damn hard to push a wheelchair in the sand so the brother needed help and the guy himself helped him but using his arms as much as possible to wheel it. Together.

Then it was time for wedding pictures of the whole family and you could tell this guy did not want to be defined by his chair. You could just tell that he had once walked and that this was an accident that left him completely paralyzed from the waist down. His brother and his cousin immediately just lifted him out of his chair and a girl came and held his legs that dragged behind him while he was being supported standing up by both guys. They supported him for the 15 mins of pics as if they did this every day. And lifted him in the air to look taller in the pics. And the guy smiled and smiled. I could feel so much love around him and inside of him. He was adored. And he adored himself.

I kind of secretly fell in love. Shhh. (anyways my husband was so impressed by this guy and his family too)

But what it taught me is how we are defined by our reactions and attitudes to our trials.This particular guy in this particular wheelchair will stay etched in my memory forever.

And then the couple on the beach. She crawled in his lap on a small single chair and stayed there in his arms and had a nap. It was so sweet.

So they next day I did that too (with my husband). It was such a great nap. I love being much smaller and shorter than my husband in this way. He was able to encompass me in this way. I loved this.

And the book I read “Wife for Life” (who I wrote a fellow blogger I don’t even know about as I am certain it will touch her profoundly) so many parts I find a bit crazy and old fashioned but some beautiful nuggets of truth and wisdom in there too. Things that will change me and my marriage. A lens I have never looked through before. The reason I probably curled up in my own knight in shining armor’s lap on the beach that day.

Vacation allows me to feel what is freely in my heart. It gives me the pause to stop and wonder at the beautiful moments that make up a life. Some people probably have these moments daily-I have them when I pause. My real life pauses at family dinners, weekends and vacations. Sprint. Recovery. Sprint. Recovery.

Bracing each other and holding on tight. It’s what we have done for more than 20 yrs now and it works. Moving towards eachother…instead of turning away. Crawling into his welcoming lap is just the next stage to discover.

The next stage to notice.

Wish Beauty was Here

She would have so much fun with these Potcake puppies!

We fostered another one today.. A little baby 8 weeks old . We took Hugo for a long walk with lots of breaks for him.

He was soooooo cute . Completely different personality than other puppy. Was shy and wanted to be in our arms most the time. Just wanted to cuddle. Hardly would walk but we trained him to like it. And we figured out he loved his bag they give you at the kennel to hold his stuff and he would chase after it on the beach and wanted to hop in the bag and have us carry him often. What a sweetie.

He also liked drinking water alot but not so much his little treats. Sometimes he would just stop and refuse to budge . And when we would take breaks he would take little naps and power snoozes and fall asleep within 30 seconds ( like hubby !! )

He was another chick magnet for my husband . Woman after woman in little bikinis would be swarming after this puppy. I am telling you if you are single get a puppy men !!!

We kinda fell in love a little today with Hugo but also felt a little relived to give him back too. Hard work!! Could never go in ocean together . Was super fun to have these two experiences with puppies. Will help us make our decision about getting a dog for our family. We decided by valentines day ( february 14 2016) we will have a final yes or no.

This is a BIG decision and  we want to make the right and responsible one.

We got back to our beach chairs today and missed both Hugo and meh-meh. Would have loved to see our girl walking these adorable pups.She would be in dog heaven

Believe it or not today we walked a total of 4.5 hrs !!!! Part with puppy and part without . Lots of breaks but left condo at 9:30 am  and back at 3pm with a stop for the best lunch ever . Second time at a turkish resto called turks kebab and their chicken curry pitas and fries are to die for. For some reason made me think of my Dad as he was from Trinidad and loved this type of food that i missed out on being a kid ( apparently i insisted on peanut butter only !! ) ps until the age of 20 yrs old .

For some reason today eating that curry wrap i wished I had the type of Dad I could have walked as a girl growing up hand in hand with. I wish we could have been the type of father/daughter duo to have eaten curry together. Usually I try my hardest to not let myself think these thoughts but sometimes I just let them in. Like today. It seems easier to wish I had not wasted my palette on peanut butter for so long.



Today was a phenomenal day with the most gorgeous sunset ever at night with a bright pink sky. Tonight massages on the terrace and homemade hamburger steak and fries .
Checked email tonight too and felt the pressure of next week of course and returning home soon . We leave monday ..

Something in particular about this trip is really relaxing. For once it seems we have not a care in the world . Our biggest worry is how to get back here one day!!  I have never worried less about the kids .. Between my mom and the kid's own autonomy at this stage it feels worry free. In the last two years especially I am not sure we have had many worry free times. We still have stuff to worry about but seems like we have learnt to cope much better with what is there.

We still totally pay for leaving big time when we get back though as the kids still want to run the show of course. But it is so worth it

Bye Hugo and Saturn ! Was amazing taking care of you and really gave us a good idea of what having a puppy is like. Along with Buddy and Coco to come and visiting Reggie, we will have all we need to make an informed decision by Valentines day!

Our Place

We have been coming here for so many years to this same condo it almost feels more like home than our actual home. We tend to attach ourselves to leisure places (here and the cottage) more than our actual place of living. When the kids move out one day it is a sure thing we will be moving into a small apartment and then using our money for paying off mortgage and debts and travelling to places like this!

This trip has been so good. Even better than usual if that is possible. Most days’ good weather and some cloudier and windier and rainier but in general really good. We have been doing thing is a bit differently this trip. Hers a few highlights:

We fostered a dogJ

We are fostering another puppy for a long walk tomorrowJ

We went parasailing yesterday high up into the sky

We went on a conch tour on a boat

We are talking to lots of people and being very social (usually in a week we barely speak other than to each other)

Each morning our alarm is set for 7:45 am and we get up and start day then or go to the outside bed on the porch and sleep off and on until about 9am. We have never gotten up past 8am from bed.

We are taking a nap almost every day for about an hour and a half on the beach. Today we came up to room and slept on porch from 6-7:30pm. If we had not put on alarm we would have slept through the night

When we go out to eat it is cheap hole in the wall restos like tonight

We watch a movie every night

We take long walks almost daily unless we are super lazy like today

Hubby jogs every second day on the beach. So proud of this guy!!!

Today I approached the hotel for business. I want to come back. He seemed interested and I got his email

We are talking about all sorts of new things in our lives that are totally new. In some ways it’s like discovering a different landscape of our normal lives in the last two years. It weird how when something changes everything changes. We are different people here now than we were two years ago the last time we came.

We spend hours and hours a day dreaming of ways of how to come back here or how to buy this condo. (PS we have been having this conversation for 7 yrs. now)

We talk to all the locals and they are so super sweet

Our eldest son would kill us but we went to a local resto tonight (cheap hole in the wall) and the hotel told us to take a taxi as not super safe as lots of stray dogs and locals I guess vs tourist area. We took a chance  to save 24 dollar cab ride and walked the 6 local minutes. The food was amazing!!!! But that was dumb we admit

We facetimed all our kids last night and my mom (no contact before that to give them and us a real mental break and true couple time). It was so wonderful speaking to them all and was on facetime for more than an hour. Love them all so much. Beauty was so cute. I think she was scared to tell us about a particular mark on her report card, but not the time to react when we are away. We love them all. 

At the age they are at now so easy to leave. We don't worry a single bit (maybe we should as Chase is going clubbing for the first time ever tomorrow night. A month from 18 yrs old hard to say no! Hope he doesn't get arrested and put in jail as nobody to bail him out as Didi goes to sleep super early:))

We are having near panic attacks looking at our schedules for next week when back to work and monkey bar gym. We arrive at midnight and as of 6am that next morning and every morning until X-mas packed solid. Good news for business but bad news for enjoying life!!!

Such a luscious trip. Every moment of it.

Our motto: Work hard and play hard. And live life in a series of extremely intense sprints. Don’t run marathons. Glad we have each other and both feel this way. It’s not for everyone-but it’s for us. The high stress high adrenaline of these sprints makes us feel like we earn the breaks to re-energize. We appreciate every moment of vacation as so incredibly different from our lives.

Not ready for the next sprint though. Glad we still have three days of heaven.

Bad bad mommy moment

I don't bribe my kids

I am too level headed and reasonable for that. Besides the fact that i take every opportunity possible to teach them a lesson. Bribing isn't part of my parenting toolkit.

Until now apparently.

Chase had a book report due the next day and had half of the book not read yet. I had not an ounce of sympathy. Get upstairs and read all day and night if you have too!

Then he looked at me and seriously said" pls can you read the whole book mommy and dicuss it with me so i can write the report??"

No! No! Of course not !!

Then i realized there were two things i really really wanted from him and have just not found a way to access
1-information about something i really really wanted to know
2- for him to come spend 9 days with his dad and i alone in june

I knew both would never occur unless i took some serious action. I wanted both desperately. Combined with the fact that i am pretty much a speed resder, liked the look of the book, that this child has never asked me for help in school and never missed a deadline at school....

I bribed him

And it worked like magic

On both counts

Can you even imagine having to bribe your child to come on a trip with you??? You will see how this all works when your kid is almost 18 yrs

I felt so so so so bad and guilty that day reading that book. Bad bad mommy

But deep down? For what i got in return? It ended up being on of my finer moments in reality

Sometimes in life we have to give up all ethics and let loose a little

That day? Mommy went wild😝😝😝😝😝

To Have or Not to have a Dog? that is the question

This has been a hot topic around our home lately! And not solved yet either!

We are doing a number of things to test the waters. Can you believe that in two weeks we will borrow a stranger’s dog for 6 days? That we had Beauty’s Bff’s dog at our cottage with a house full of guests? We will visit our friends in Toronto in December and get a sense of their dog too. There are many things we are doing to make this important decision and make sure it is the right one for our family. So far it is weighing in at a true 50-50 chance-but we are doing our homework wisely.

Today we fostered a Potcake puppy on the island of Turks and Caicos!!!! We got to walk her for over an hour on the beach and will go back later this week and take another puppy for a few hours too.

It was soooooo adorable and we loved our experience with “our” puppy. More than we imagined! A few highlights

-she was afraid of water and would quietly whimper when the ocean water touched her feet

-she kept getting tired of running and would lay her head and paw on Hubby’s lap

-she was a chick magnet. If hubby was single he would be in heaven! (I think he still was!) Everyone and everybody talked to us especially young women in tiny bikinis

-she loved her water and her treats and we trained her to sit and stay still before getting one

-she would be sad when she would see another puppy and then it would leave. She would cry

-she liked to be carried in our arms like a baby instead of walking part of the time when she got tired

We really missed her the rest of the afternoon and loved our experience with her. It was really fun to nurture her and take care of her. My heart expanded for that hour I think

I was never a kid person before either and I became one from loving my three babes. Same would go for dogsJ)))

What you chose to do along the way

I had coffee the week before I came on vacation with an old high school friend. We had seen each other for a period of a year about a decade ago but prior to that not since high school. She and I were very close in high school but then went our very separate ways in life.

It was amazing to reconnect with her and we had such a good time. She has three young children and was talking about how her life is, where she is at, how she feels, her challenges and obstacles and triumphs. I have always loved her authenticity and her openness to share about herself-I remember it from high school and she still has that trait now.

There are many different hinges about our personalities but also many similarities. She is very much now where I was about 5 yrs. ago in her thoughts and her feelings. When I told her she asked me how I had changed from those feeling s or that place and it was such a loaded and deep question.

It made me ponder and let me realize what a journey this has been,

Below is a short list of some of the ways I have changed my perspectives over these years. This is in no way an account of where my high school friends are at but an account of where I was at and where I am now. Things that come to mind.

It is only in retrospect t that I fully realize how far I have come. Not that my life has changed-I have changed. I am far more peaceful happier and calm than I was a number of years ago. And it has been damn hard and deliberate work.

A few things that stand out on my journey:

1-Feeling things. I went to intensive 1.5 yr. therapy and when I say intense I mean really really intense. No hiding, no repression, no subject was off limits. She showed me how to feel, to know the difference between sadness and anger. To this day when I feel a feeling I don’t like I have her voice in my head and we almost feel it together. Feeling. Feeling before taking action.

2-I am way less irritable. My kids might disagree but they don’t remember me 5 yrs. ago and before that even. This self is a gift! I learnt my hormone; cycles and how to anticipate and manage them. I learnt my triggers. I learnt my emotional triggers and my physical ones and I have learned to cope with them. When I am packing (often with cottage and lots of travel) I am still super irritable but besides that I would say it had improved by a good 80%!

3-I tell the truth. I say what I need. I don’t believe in scatting around issues, ignoring them, having big elephants in the tom and repression to me is an enemy. I tell you what I feel if I love you lots. What I think, what I feel and what I do not feel. How I experience a situation. Some like this more than others.. I believe in authenticity and truth. I believe in growing. I believe in true love and true love to me...is true and real. I am there for you through the thick and thin  of it all. I want the truth from you and you should expect it from me.

4-I 100% completely trust my kids. I believe in them fully to make capable, sound and good decisions. And if they don’t…I understand that too is part of growing up. This one is a miracle to me as I used to be the biggest control freak on earth with my kids. I got over it. I am finding teens a lot easier through this lens.

5-I have come a loooooooooong way in my marriage. We have come a loooooong way. Long, long long long. We have gone to bat for each other through thick and thin and have loved in action our marriage commitment to each other. We have put our children first and our family life and been through some very tough times together. We could have bailed but we did not. We are married almost 20 yrs.this summer and in the last 3 yrs. we are unrecognizable as a couple to the first 17 yrs. . . . We have re-defined ourselves individually and as a couple. We started off good but now we are great as a couple if I do say so myself. We are proud as not easy at all.

6-I have learnt to trust fully. Be vulnerable. Be fully authentic. Trust that I will be accepted and adored for exactly who I am. I have learnt to share and confide and trust. I have learned to breakdown and build up. I have learnt to love unconditionally. I have learnt to love and be loved. Soulkeeper has been one of the most tremendous teachers of my life in personal growth as a wife and a mother. She has completely changed my life over the last 5 yrs especially.

7-Hubby and I have realized that the body and mind are connected. We eat well, we exercise regularity. We get it now. We thought we got it before but we did not. We fully get it now and realize we need each other to behave in this area. It needs to be a family thing and it is becoming that. We have all altered the way we relate to food and exercise. All of us.

8-I have always had both a professional and personal mentor. Always. I can’t live without this in my life.

9-I have learnt to forgive. Others. Myself. I have learned that forgiveness is for you.

10-I have come to realize that professionally anything is possible. That if I want something it will be mine if I work hard, am capable and deserve it. I have realized that my professional potential is much much higher than my personal potential and that I need to capitalize on it. I need to reach for the stars. And I will.

In looking back at this I keep thinking over and over:

You have come a long way baby

And I have had tons of support through this ongoing journey. I have not been alone.

I have more peace and joy in my little finger now than I did in my entire body a decade ago. I have come so far through hard work, dedication, introspection and deliberate thought and action. I know what I needed to change about myself and I did it one step at a time. So did my husband. We are far from over…many, many more places to develop and improve in, but we have come a long way as individuals, professionals, parents, as a couple and as an extended family.

I am very very close to what I always dreamt of as my future self in many ways.

Now it is time to create my next future self. I am excited to start form the place I am now to define her. A place of stability, trust, authenticity, forgiveness and belief.

Finally I feel safe. And it is from this safe place where real growth can bloom.I feel that now, and only now I am able to realize my full potential with a steady secure foundation beneath me. That foundation that I created, that resilience that I found.

Never a good day to eat a banana

I often measure the quality and happiness of my life by how often I would allow myself to eat a raw banana.
And it has added up to zero times in the last 7 years.
Which means my happiness level must be pretty high up there.

You see i am allergic to uncooked bananas and I get really bad stomach aches. And there never seems to be a day i want to take that chance on. Ever.

Each day i think " wouldn't it be great to juts test this whole banana stomach thing again in case i am over it? Have a smoothie or a pb with banana sandwich or just a good old potassium fruit mid afternoon?

And each day i come to the same conclusion:
Today is too important for a banana
Today has to much happiness for a banana
Today there is too much to look forward to for a banana

And i choose life over bananas. Each and every single day

( don't even get me started on avocados!)

So although my life of course has it's ups and downs... I am proud and thrilled to see that i dont chose those bananas. It says something about my personal life , my professional life and my priorities.

There is so much more out there than the good old delicious strawberry banana smoothie

And that my friends is about as complex as my thoughts will take me today .

Ps another amazing few days at the beach . Gorgeous first few days of weather , nice people that we even had at the condo for cinommon buns and coffee, lots of sailing and long walks and daily naps . Life is good ! And banana free!