Wandering

I am not the wandering type ( well that is I was not before today )

I left home at 6am this morning and came to the beautiful city of Vancouver for business for the next few days . I worked for 5 hrs on the plane which gave me the luxury of a time difference and a whole afternoon to enjoy myself today

A waterfront hotel with a lively breathtaking view and a beautiful city to start exploring by foot . I never knew I enjoyed wandering so much!

I decided just to walk out the lobby door and go where my heart decided . First stop was the sea wall right outside the door . In the sun . Phone off and just people watching . Then walked about 15 mins away and wandered boutique to boutique .

I found a store with a sweater wrap in two colours ( black and grey ) that just called out my name and said " you have been searching for me all your life " of course I bought both .

Then I passed this little dive of a Peruvian restaurant with a sign on the door that said best Vancouver restaurant of 2014 . I decided to go in and order whatever the chef told me was best .

Omg !!omg !! Best sandwich and plate of fries on the planet . Some kind of spicy marinated steak and chipotle and spicy sauce and grilled veggies all heated up with fries to die for with 5 dipping hot sauces . Pure heaven

Then wandered some more into many whimsical boutiques . Who buys a duotang that is plain blue for 30 dollars ? Whimsical for sure !

Then wandered back to hotel and passed a fancy chocolate store . Not even sure I have ever been in a chocolate store . Again I asked clerk to choose one delicious chocolate for me . Was called queen cream . So so so good !!!

Through all this I checked my phone once and hour as have lots on the go right now with clients and also feels  a bit Lonely to just be alone in my thoughts .

Saw a poster in agenda  that said student hair styling school and free shine gloss treatment so did this and hair is very shiny and felt good all day ! Who does this kind of thing ?? Me I guess ! Can't stop looking at my hair in the mirrors .. But 37 dollars for a little spray ? Maybe febreze would have the same effect ?

Stopped off at a Chinese spa and considering a foot rub for 10 tomorrow .

Don't forget I gained 5 extra hours today ( which I will lose on Friday !  So this day feels like forever . I am now going to take my book in the sun in the outdoor heated pool overlooking the city and water on one side and the ski mountains on the other and go for a read and a swim . After that I think I need to nap .

Finally the pool at this hotel had a broken Hot tub so I had special privileges across the street at the plaza hotel . Gorgeous pool and hot tub with a view of mountains and water  on one side and the city on the other . I read a book In the hot tub and contemplated returning back and crossing the busy street in my fairmont robe .then I remembered I was Here  for business and promptly put on my track suit over my bathing suit

Business travel can often be a pain in the butt -but if you end of taking a day for visiting can also be a real luxury too . Nice hotel .. Good food etc .

I am now going to unpack and watch a movie on this big screen and enjoy the evening and fall asleep early . And wake up early too and take a long  power walk-along the sea wall and start my day wandering yet again .

It's very odd to be alone . Wandering . In my thoughts. Feels odd .

 But Ahh .. Entrepreneurship has lots of advantages . I could get used to this .

I am so lucky...

How incredibly lucky i am


... To get to come back to the cottage to my family. To spend time to sit on the couch by the fire with chase and have him ask me to rub his hair and hear him talk about his social life, his life, his school before he sets back off to the city for yet another night of partying .

How lucky i am to watch my daughter fall asleep on one couch after a long day of skiing and look into the other room and see my other son asleep on the couch after is long day of teaching skiing and his late night at The second  real party he has ever been to in his life last night.

How lucky i am to come back to a husband who loves and cherishes me after 20 yrs of marriage and who shows me daily in his action.

How lucky i am to be alive and have the people i love around me safe and well .

I attended the funeral today of a boy who touched my life profoundly. My adolescence and adulthood and who inspired me in so many levels due to his kind soul, infectious smile and love of life . Each of the 7 eulogies today brought him back to life for me in every shape or form . Also the beloved ex husband of Soul keeper Sage ....  A time in both of our lives we will never quite forget . Pure  friendships with him .. Her mothers tragic suicide.. My fathers mental illness and the comfort that dave brought all of us at that tragic time.

Today he was grieved and celebrated . I am not sure i have every seen so little parking spots and so many tears in a room . So many beautiful stories of the  he brought to others in his short 41 yrs.

I loved the part when his family and friends said that even on his deathbed he was able to ask about their obstacles, their families, their work. He was caring and interested until the very very end. This was the dave brand. How he loved his work and was so good at it: president of a successful engineering company at such a young age . So accomplished personally and professionally.

The message was clear : love what you do in life and be good at it. Make good from it. This was dave.

His son and daughter tight in their mothers strong arms . His 4 yr old daughter sobbing as the music came on he used to play for her . His mother and her grief. His sister . His brother . All his friends paralyzed by sadness and loss .

I spoke to his mom and his sister . They longed to hear the stories of his adolescence . The love was so strong And their  anger at leukaemia evident. He did not survive the stem cell surgery he waited for and suffered through for too long. I told them both from my heart tat if either of my sons turns out a fraction of the man dave became that i would be so proud as their mother.



The world lost a shining star in Dave this week. Heaven surely gained an incredible angel


I loved and will treasure forever the pamphlet on his life that we all took home. The most beautiful picture of him on the front on a boat in the wind laughing and loving life. No picture could have captured him more : it was projected on the walls of the service. His wife wrote :

1974-2016

" the best man you'll ever have isn't the best looking, the funniest or the richest. He's the one that makes you feel gorgeous, hilarious and like a million dollars . He makes sure you know he loves you"

I drove and drove today alone to be there today in ice and snow. I paid my respect up close to his ashes and said goodbye twice . Once from soul keeper and once from me

RIP Dave . You will always want to make me a better person
You will  make me feel lucky for having had the honour of knowing you , the honour of celebrating your life today and the privilege that i will never take for granted of coming home to my sweet family with life pouring through our veins and beating hearts .

With love

Tarina

All In

I have shifted lately.  I think less and love more .

My heart is expanding as my life is evolving.

I am loving more than my family

My freinds are my rocks, and i am there. I have made place for them fully.

My work is my baby in so many ways ; am i allowing myself to be brilliant?

I am vulnerable alot of the time and i share the load i give freely from my heart and i don't think twice about taking a call from a friend  in need at the expense of a big contract .

I watch movies alone the kids would love

I kiss more . 

I am driving three hours early morning tomorrow to the funeral of a boy i loved . For him.. For her . But especially for me .

I feel numb. I feel alive . I feel i will never stop paying it forward because of his tragedy.

I feel complete lately in so many ways even though my family is growing up

I am all in

A beautiful 21 hrs with with a sad ending

Soulkeeper and I at least twice a year and if we are lucky three times a year come up to my cottage late on a weekday night and stay on the next day together . It is oxygen to both of us truly . We even keep lists of things we need to talk about to each other and we check them off one by one .

Soulkeeper ( also know as sage ) is not a big texter . I am not a huge phone person . Both of us adjust and she does text and I do speak on the phone here and there to keep in touch . We do have a lunch here and there .. Do couple stuff .. I babysit her kids with my daughter a number of times per year . But it is these cottage escapes that are the very best . Cream of the crop .

And we always have big stuff happen when we are at Trent . This time was no exception .

We started out with our usual routine . She feeds her kids and picked me up . We stopped in sauveur for a great dinner at Gibby's all appetizers ( hot bread and pickles , amazing salad , sausages and chutney , baked potatoes with all the dressing and delicious apple crumble ) 

While we were at the restaurent I realized I had forgotten my key to Trent !!! I called hubby and he told me that we had a spare key hidden and that to call when I arrived and he would explain where it was complicated .

Well took us hours to arrive as started snowing and blowing snow and no lights on highways .

We chatted and chatted and chatted happily all the way . Until we got to the big big hill at my cottage and realized she does not have a 4 by 4 or a truck ( we are girls after all !!! )

So we got completely stuck on the hill and in a ditch actually after 30 minutes of trying we gave up and took the long haul towards my cottage with bags in hand ( and she has a shoulder issue so I had the heavy load of it )

Well then we arrived and realized of course no key . Well by now midnight . Called hubby and he was asleep and no answer !!!!!! For about 20 mins kept calling and he finally told us the hidden spot . We were so tired went straight to sleep ( in my bed with fleece sheets ) and chatted and chatted in bed the next morning for hours 

Decided could not waste chat time on dumb car so waited hours until had long breakfast and long long jacuzzi . Best decision ever as no time for that crap .

We turned off our phones and email all day and ignored reality 

By 2pm realized we had a car stuck on hill and sage needed to be home by 6pm . Called tow truck ( well hubby did ) and spend lots of time outside dealing with this ( and chatting and chatting in between this rude interruption to our precious hours )

Dealt with car . Sat by fire . Ate delicious lunch I made . And hiked back up hill with all her stuff and said goodbye . I fell asleep on couch waiting for my own family to arrive a few hrs later .

Over those 21 hrs covered almost every topic imaginable in both of our lives and we support , listen , give advice , give some tough love and help each other . So so precious . There is no subject off limits . So liberating .

What a gift to have this time .

The beauty of it all abruptly ended at 8pm when literally we my sweet family walked in the door and I was asking them how they were .. The phone rang :((

It was Sage .. Crying so hard . Her ex husband who was also a precious childhood teen friend of ours very very close to us and with her for 9 yrs .. Had died :(((( 

After she and he broke up years ago he had found love again and remarried and went on to have two children now ages 5 and 3. He was so so precious and wonderful and a beautiful person both inside and out with a kind and caring and gentle soul. We both have loved this boy all our lives it feels like . So hard for sage .. So many emotions 

And now he is gone . Taken by cancer . Leaving his beautiful family behind to grieve him . 

It was a beautiful day and a hellish evening . Sage of course is completely broken . I am broken for her and for the unkindness of the world and unfairness of it all for a boy and then man I Remeber and cared about so much .

I felt scared all night of the unpredictability of life and the fragility of it all . How happiness can be stolen so ruthlessly and so quickly.

And I felt sad .. Very sad . And also grateful for the beautiful day Sage and I got to spend together before the storm hit and the sadness rolled in . Glad for her that she was sheltered for those 21 hrs before what was to come . It was a devastating weekend.

We cannot even begin to comprehend what his families are going through. 

Passion?

I am not sure I would ever describe myself a passionate person.

Funny, because many people I know [personally and professionally)would describe me that way. But it’s not the way I would describe myself at all. If anything I would say that I lack passion in many areas and it has affected my life in many ways in not so great ways. I have always envied people who are very passionate. And is something I have coveted for myself.

I have lacked interest in hobbies for the most part; I am not attached to a particular sport or activity. I do a lot and try a lot but the only thing I seem to be hooked on are reading and beaches? I have always wished that innately I would enjoy baking a banana loaf on a Sunday morning or feel inclined to plants some petunias in our beautiful yard on a lovely Spring day. Nope. Nada.

Even physically I always had to grow into hugging people and often I feel so tired  or irritable most the day and night I find it a chore to roll over and give a massage or a lingering kiss (omg I am so so so boring!)

Then things I grow to love ,like waterskiing and wakeboarding that I learnt as an adult-I fall ,and have an accident within two years and end that blooming passion. I kinda have a passion for eating certain things (curried checked, pasta, French baguette, cupcakes?) but they are all starchy and can make me gain weight and I don’t like to cook any of them but lie on the couch reading while someone else does. Is that a passion?

Friendships and Family are a passion on many levels, but even with that there are issues. I get annoyed with many often who are passionate about something  for no apparent reason (or big apparent reasons!) and when someone around me expresses too much passion I tend to run away and hide. I am a basket case eh? Too much passion scares me. And annoys me too if I am honest.

Professionally I am definately more passionate, but not half as passionate as I come across as. In the past I was totally passionate about having a cozy well paying, power status position Passionate about how good at my job I was, as has always been very easy for me to master things that involve brain power, determination, obstacles and problem solving. I was passionate about keeping those careers, and flexible schedules, or having a team, or delivering really well, of making an impression, of being really good at what I did, of being social and surrounded by many brilliant people daily, or getting work done through others and winning some great awards.

But in bed at night did I dream of waking up the next morning and doing it all over again (and again and again?) Was I passionate as many of my colleagues were of making a difference in a client’s lives that would transform them? Did it ever really transform them? Or were they part of the next round of layoffs or fall of their high horse as soon as made an error at the risk of innovation?  Is working in a huge company making a difference in the lives of people generally? You tell me.

I loved each and every day of my corporate career truly. I really did. Most people that knew me would say that I was passionate. The ones who knew me really really well knew there was more passion for me to be discovered professionally in other ways.

As of last weekend –things have changed. Professionally that is. I am declaring myself passionate. OMG! I am PASSIONATE people. Each day is different, each day is fulfilling, every day I wake up and am surprisingly so excited about what the day brings. Each day is diverse, I feel I am making a difference, each day I feel pride of what I have built and seem to be sustaining, and each day has a different flavor. And the flavor belongs to ME. It is MINE. I have brains and street smarts and I am putting them to use in exactly the way I see fit. I wake up and am excited and driven to get on my email to see what awaits me. Will this passion last? Can it stay? Is it possible?????

And the answer is: I truly don’t know. I am a master of practicality, good decisions and efficiency. Also we need money to sustain our life style that is for sure. And one thing I am very passionate is my lifestyle (aka our cottage) to have this we need to achieve a certain income and that is not negotiable. Will  I be able to succeed at this that I  am this passionate about, and that is this flexible be able to provide me with this stability financially long term. It certainly looks like it so far. I am very in demand and the clients are very very happy. Big clients too.

But somehow it feels foreign to me to be making good decisions and efficient and financially stable and be passionate at the same time. Doesn’t seem real? But it is. I know it is. Feels like an amazing dream in, any ways that I don’t want to wake up from. And in others ways it is so so so hard. Entrepreneurship can be lonely, and confusing and frustrating, and create anxiety. It has interfered with my sleep, my family and my structures and routines. It is a whole different mindset.

I get restless sometimes. I know that I get bored quickly. Even as I edit and post this blog today I questions if I should and ask myself if I really am passionate. Passion often seems to fleeting to me. It never seems to stay. I have a huge weakness in character in this area. I need a lot of excitement. I am restless

(And I still miss the corporate cupcakes and especially the stir fry line.)

But there are many others things I am getting used to alos. Working from home (which isn’t hard as so often not there as at the clients location) I miss wearing the clothes of a company as now each time I see a client I have to wear a full business suit everyday vs one day a week when I was presenting and more of a business casual look some days of the week when I was at a company. I am getting used to the irregular pay that come in large amounts and then taper off for a few months and come again in big amounts soon. I am getting used to balancing short and long term and working vs networking and finding the perfect balance of the two.  I am getting used to not knowing what my week or day will look like at all and feeling ok with that. I am getting used to setting up subcontractors just in case and using them as I need to.

I am getting used to collaborating and using more of my green energies. Using my instincts more and sensing and judging less. Taking the help I am offered professionally and going with the flow. Praying a lot at night it will all work out?

And yesterday I knew I had found my passion. It was actually the perfect professional day and a few minor things made such the difference. Was it sleeping in until 8am and working in bed beside hubby that made the difference? Was it the cute and funny texting conversation I had with one of my stay at home mom friends whose life is so different from my own but never fails to make me laugh and come back to what is important to me? Was it a quick car phonecall with a BFF I have missed with a quick update? Was it landing the contract with a massive multinational coming I am been liaising with for weeks? Was it giving up money on a contract and deciding to collaborate on it in partnership with a person I know I can learn from? Was it the laughter that stayed in my heart all day and all evening from a client who I barely know who also signed a large contract with me yesterday who put me up to the craziest most eccentric piratical joke ever (to which I agreed!!!!!!)? Was it ending the day two hrs earlier and heading up to the cottage with my husband to wait for our kids in a second car and watch a ton of TV?

Or was it the sweetest, smartest, dearest combination of all of the above? I think it might have been one of the best days of my professional life as an adult (and I have had many) something about it led me to believe:

I have found you MR/Mrs. Passion. I have worked sooooooo hard for you-and there you are so shy and insecure and like a lady in waiting. There you are…Come hither my dear and let me hold you? You are mine for now and hopefully forever. Stay with me, guide me and be my Valentine?

I had the feeling yesterday that maybe, just maybe things would fall into place. And that for once in my life maybe I wouldn’t have to try so hard or think so hard. That my talent and personality would somehow be enough to be the perfect combination to keep sparkling. And shining.

Fabulous weekend

A Fabulous weekend

Excuse punctuation ( or lack of it.. On an iPad vs a computer )

There was something really really good about this weekend. If i was a drama queen i would call it magical even. And best part about it .? It was fairly ordinary. I think it was the fact it was longer .. Also had some kids parts and some couple parts ( my recently divorced friend has been telling me lately that this part of divorce is the good part)
Longer weekends always follow the same pattern for me : i am always a little hesitant friday night of the weekend ahead and wonder if i will enjoy it and be able to relax? By Saturday afternoon i am fully convinced and by sunday night I never want to return home.

Same goes for work. Monday mornings i feel fear and then i learn to love it all again by tuesday afternoon. I guess i don't do well with transitions. I am lucky that i adore my work so much but also being away from work .

What made this weekend wonderful?

- fairly last minute we decided to extend it and take a half day friday off and half day monday without the kids. Having a son drive and two flexible schedules rocks in this way

-the time with the kids we appreciated  so much as seems to seldom lately . Sadly Bear was on a ski trip but the other two were lots of fun and a rare and great dynamic the two of them together

- being outside : walking on the lake , making a path on the lake with the 4by 4 , skating in the forest, walking at night in the dark on the lake before bed, outside amazing jacuzzis . I seriously love cottage winter life . Almost as much as cottage summer life

-loving the crisp pink cheeks get in winter. Makes us all feel alive

- so happy for Beauty she has found a new gang at the mountain since leaving ski competition team . They all went for a spaghetti dinner at the hill saturday night and night skating in the forests . The girl attracts friends so so easily . I am so happy for her . She met both the girls last week for the first time and there she was hugging them with dear life when she said goodbye

- happy chase still trusts me . There was an incident that worried me this weekend with a group of friends and i tried to check his texts after he went to bed . He caught me and confronted me. It taught me a lot about my son and myself . It was hard :( i love the way at the end after some very hard talks that he climbed in my lap and said" i love you mama". He is 18 now . I need to stop my quarterly audits i am thinking


- cuddling with hubby on the couch . We have our  shows and our movies and cuddles on the couch piled in blankets . We have our cottage routines and we love them

- finishing season two of homeland . Love that we have a show again

- watched two really great movies . When chase's plans got canceled last minute saturday night he joined us for movie ( willingly! ) that was fun

- beauty's shy smile this weekend as she danced hip hop for us. Something about that smile struck me and made her so precious. She glowed

- watching a movie with beauty on the couch in front of the fire under lots of blankets . Felt so close and connected

- chase and his new haircut. What a shocking handsome guy . All new clothes and style too . Wow

- bears recount of jay peak and how much he loved his time there . Miss him!

- the food as always and eating it around the counter ( french onion soup . The yummy homemade Cesar salad, pork roast with grilled garlic and all dressed baked potatoes, spinach feta tangerine salad, spaghetti by the fire, homemade lemon meringue pie, red velvet cream cheese cookies

-staying up late at 1am and hubby and i lovingly making lunches for the kids who are up at 6:30am for their jobs at the mountain

- reading a great book

-planning some great dates with friends ( cant wait until friday !!!! )

- fleece sheets ( seriously how did i not know about this all my life ?? )

- sleeping in late late on sunday morning . Love love sleeping in

- dads and daughters taking 4 by 4 to tim Hortons and daughter actually driving . Daughter buying dad breakfast ! Chase stopping in as was getting gas near by . Mommy getting a massage at an auberge


- last but not least . Taking a break from my phone . I always do on weekends but this was longer as had two half days extra . I need it . Sprint . Recovery . Sprint . Recovery . Sprint . The phone reminds me of the week ... And i need  to indulge in the precious weekend . On weekends and vacations we both use hubby's phone to be in touch with the kids and mom and friends and stuff . It works



I am loving the flexibility of schedule . Scared of course that this will lead us to have to sell some stuff as taking too many days ! But that is besides the point . I am working my ass off and also living my ass of too .
And this is when i am most happiest
Work hard/ Play hard seems to have been invented for me

I love love love love cottage life!!!

I get it Now

For  years people around me have been talking about how getting older sucks.
I have not related to it so much because i was young.
I didn't  think either that i would never not feel young at heart.

My husband is 12 yrs older than i too so i have always been young.
Well until now.

Somehow this year i feel older even though in many ways i am in the best shape on a fitness scale than i have been since my 20's
I still feel young at heart and i think i still look fairly young too .. But something has changed in me

Could it be that i will turn 45 yrs old in 10 months??? ( ssshhhh for all the young cute men i lied to at work about my age ) somehow that number just does not seem that young?

And often friends and i discuss our dr appts or hormonal cycles . Or our ailments!!!!! Yikes!!!

How the hell did i get any ailments anyways??
Are those not only for old people??

And i just generally care less . Sure its nice to dress nicely and look pretty but seriously does it matter if my winter boots have heels or not? Are boys actually going to notice if i wear a short black dress anymore ? ( sad but true!)
I saw a bunch of girls in their 30's the other day and thought to myself .... Wow they have it all. That used to be me ! All fashionable and cute and caring about their designer diaper bags.


Dont get me wrong i still care alot ( not about diaper bags but bags in general ) but its just not the same . Those 30 yrs old wont be noticing my lole or coach bag anymore .... They will  notice eachother's
Me and my friends will be the middle aged moms with nice purses.


Buy maybe not coincidentially i also feel very relaxed and at peace alot of the time too. A feeling very foreign to me. And i quite like it.  Just comfy cozy in my own skin .. My marriage ... My frienships .... I feel like a cozy blanket in alot of ways ( a little worn out too)
Content . Happy. Still like my reflection in many ways especially with some lipgloss and high boots and a good bag.

More importantly i like the older me better on the inside .
And i am wiser everyday

And you know what? This is good enough for me :)