The Gift of the Last Two Days

The gift of the last two days

You all know i am on strike right? And then partially on strike?
Well a lot has happened bc of this strike. Some big fights and discussions, some tears, some alignment. Its been hard.

But already as a parent i have learnt so much from doing thing differently and thinking before i act. From leaving some of the parenting more in the capable hands of my much more laid back and relaxed husband. And some in the hands of my capable ( not so laid back ) teens.
I have learnt in the last couple of days that it is time for a whole other method of parenting ahead . That time is now.

Just having made slight adjustments in the last few days has been totally altering for our family. For my peace level too.  There has been no snow, so no winter sports so have been hanging around , doing errands together, cooking meals, playing cards. And laughing and laughing and laughing. All of us. Especially Beauty. I love the look on our daughter's face as it lights up. No sight is ever more beautiful to me.

As more and more i give up authority and control on allowing them to do what they want to do ( technology ever hour we are not doing another activity together ) i feel my heart and my brain struggle with the danger i see in this. I also see the freedom they feel and the respect for me  they feel in doing it their way and not only my way.
I feel the nagging machine become a connecting machine over the last couple of days. I don't love  the idea of my daughter closing her door in her room  for hours with her computer but i see the effect positively it has on her later in our family that she was allowed this freedom so important to her it seems. Or i see the effect it has on my son when i let him take his phone on a family outing and check it respectfully here and there. Or when i let our other son play music very loudly that I despise the words to.

I will have other rules that wont be bent. Texting overnight in their rooms., devices at the dinner table, spending technology free time together every day of holidays and weekends . But the other stuff ? I think i may have no choice but to move it to my basket b or c as my relationship with them is far more important to me than when or how or where they use their phones and computers.

And above all? I have realized i trust them to make good decisions and learn from the bad ones they make. They are good kids. Good kids that i know will generally choose the right things and sometimes choose the wrong things. But i have confidence that they will find their way. We have done a whole lot of parenting around this house and a whole lot of teaching. It counted for something i am sure.
But up until now i have not been able or willing enough to lessen the hold of the tight reigns i hold. I feel like i am not done with parenting or coaching them yet nor will i ever be i doubt. But i know that things needs to change to adapt to the changing times . And i know change starts right here . With ME.

Lately i have been giving out a lot of advice about teens as i also struggle with the same issues myself. But i realize i am better giving the advice than putting it into practice within our own family. Its damn hard to separate myself from rules and values that are important to me. On the otherhand  i am realizing that too many things are important to me. Democracy has always worked better that the autocratic style. This i know for sure

Its hard to let our teens who we love so much make decisions that we know are not in their or the family's best interest. But i also know its that freedom that will set them all free.

To be fully empowered is one of the greatest gifts a human can be given, as parents we have done his for our teens in so many areas and had worked like magic ( academics , friendships, curfew/ alcohol/sex issues ). They all three have wonderful internal regulation systems on these issues on which we have so successfully empowered them on.

But technology ? Constant power struggle reaching an all time high lately; how often to use devises, where in the house to use them, what to use them for, until what time to use them until, in the company of who to use them. It all annoys me to no end actually.

It's  time to change. As scary as hard as that may seem to me i know it true.


And these last two days have been the best i can remember in the last number of years or maybe even decade with family time and warmth plentiful and technology use at an all time high. This strike ( or partial strike ) is working. On many many levels i never anticipated. Isn't change just the best? Crisis always seems to lead to creativity doesn'T it ( ironically the name of one of my dad's books)

I seem to only change when i am forced too.

I am sorts proud i am adapting to the changing times . A little like how i felt this march leaving my pharma career 5 yrs earlier than planned .. I feel the same about making the decision to parent in a different way much earlier than planned. I am going to need to quickly move from teaching mode to supportive coaching mode . Just like changing careers this will come with many obstacles challenges and adjustments along the way. I will feel sad, confused and doubt the decision daily. But we will grow and change because of it and in the end it will end up being the right decision for our family.

Relationships always always need to come first. It needs to be our guiding principle no matter what.  And the success of any person is not their competency but their ability to adapt to changing situations.
I don't intend to alter my success in these areas now that it is coming to the most important people in my life.

Pride , control and ego aside... I am moving into another era with them. Excited to see whats on the other side!