It's no coincidence I
bet that yesterday I really got into some serious planning of my next book with
an editor
It's no coincidence
that the week I had a massive talk with my mom about my life where I had the
courage to discuss and ask questions about my childhood and adolescence that
weighed heavily on my mind .
It's no coincidence
that the week I went to a therapist I had not seen in 2 yrs for one session
and poured my heart out on a very specific trait about myself I don't like to
think about , don't like to admit and have not talked about to anyone before..
And want to change
It's no coincidence
that I reached out to an important person in my life that has kinda left over
the years with no ryhme or reason over the years and whom I miss and I confronted this week and they got back to me finally with a time to speak
All of these "
coincidences " within the same few days ended me up in the middle of the
day by the lake on a bench where we scattered my dads ashes 6 yrs ago looking
out to the water and sky as I often do . Writing . Writing my next book .
As I said in my
eulogy to my dad which may have been one of the hardest things I have done to
my life to date - giving his life beauty and meaning while at the same time
openly admitting that he and I had a very difficult relationship for many many
years and that I had basically abandoned him for at least 5 of them.
I ended this
heartfelt , complex , sad and beautiful eulogy with the words .
" It is now time
to put pen to paper and allow music in my heart "
And I have slowly ..
And surely .
Yesterday at the lake
- it all came together . I accepted and realized that yes ... I am a writer .
It may be the first
time in my life that I do work that is really really really hard . It's no low
lying fruit I tell you to write your own book . With no clue or care about the
outcome . No goal of achievement really ( although we all know I have big plans
for it but is not the main driver of writing it )
It could even be
considered one of the first times I feel completely passionate about something
I am doing for work . That may sound Surprising given I have an amazing career
and do extremely well and do so much of what I love in my career ? Trust me
it's Surprising to me too . I love my work a ton on so many ways . More than
many ways . I adore it .
But this writing ?
This is what passion feels like . ( I guess as not sure I have ever felt it ! )
it's a bit of an obsession , combined with adrenaline . It's waking up early
with thoughts swirling in my mind all around , it's planning out my day in
accordance of 30 mins I get to write , and it's feeling a deep satisfaction
within my soul for no apparent reason ; it's doing something I love without
much rhyme or reason and not too much of a plan ; its knowing I have words to
get out of me without understanding why ; it the feeling of doing something in
the grey vs within black and white . It is the feeling of even going a bit
crazy actually.
It's Whatever and
Whenever
It's finally ..
Finally . Feeling free
And most importantly
feeling free to identify with being a writer .( anong
many other things ! )
And feel the thoughts my dad might have felt as a writer too . And to allow his ashes back into my heart in
small and simple ways . To allow myself to identify with him in tiny ways; to identify as his daughter and not only my mom's girl. It's opening my heart up to the possibility that I had two parents who raised me and letting those feelings and possibilities flow through my veins.
Only because I am free now. I felt and I spoke.
Only because I am free now. I felt and I spoke.
By the lake
