A Simple Truth

As we go through life, we learn.

One thing that I have learnt in phase 2 of my kid’s lives has been that the more time you spend with them, the more you enjoy them and the more they enjoy you.

The more time you spend. The easier it all gets.

What has changed for me in the last couple of years it not the amount of time I spend with my kids-but the quality of time I spend with them.

I likely spend less and less time with them as they get older. They need me less, I work more, and Hubby works more.

What I have done though is make sure that we are spending our time in ways that matter to the family. Each week there are certain special ways in which we connect and per month certain rituals that we do to that have us all come together.

These are besides our regular family dinners and holidays and ski lessons and sports etc..

They are specific to our family and to our values.

These moments always bring us back to where we belong

I have realized that tradition and ritualization is healthy for my family as much as I have struggled with certain elements around it..because it is just one more thing to plan. I have struggled with that what I need if anything, is more spontaneity in my life and not more tradition. However…I have also now realized a very simple truth. What I don’t plan does not happen.

I used to have some rituals with friends that have disappeared…because they were not planned together.

I used to have a certain day I spoke on the phone every week  with an extended family member but last year we did not plan this. It did not happen.

What I put focus on happens. What I do not..Does not. It's that simple for me.

I like the quote on my friend’s blog this week:

“Plan far enough ahead”

I think this is  important for us all to keep in mind as we make decisions now that affect the rest of our lives,

It’s likley comes  naturally for most of us that this is  important to do at work.

What about at Home?

Professor -October 12th 1939 -January 31st 2011

“Parents rarely let go of their children, so in some instances children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them-a mother’s approval, a father’s nod-are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much much later, as they get older themselves and the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives”

(Mitch Albom-the five people you meet in heaven)

This is my favorite picture of you and I. I love that you are holding me and taking care of me.

I have it framed in my living room. I have put it there since you passed away. Funny eh how I cannot look at this picture without an automatic tear trickling down my face? Like even now just writing this has the ability to leave me feeling  so full of emotion. That I allow myself to feel more in your death  rather than in life.

After everything, I am still that little tiny baby girl in so many ways eventhough I have my own babies.

Even if you and I always both had words for everything-they were never many for the relationship between us were there?

It was complex, and intricate, and far and distant, yet close and comforting in some ways. It was full of emotions, sadness, loss, disappointment and pain.

It always had softness and love though. I was always 100% convinced that you loved me with all your heart. That is important for a daughter to understand right? No matter what? That still matters a lot to me that I always knew that.

Somehow you made that message very clear through it all. Somehow I always felt through it all that I mattered very, very much. Still.

We stopped knowing each other a long time ago for many reasons. I am glad at the end I had courage to come back even for a short small while.

It left me with peace and it left you with peace I think too.

When I saw you on January 31^st still and quiet and peaceful with your flower on you-it left me with an image of peace. Peace for you. My big brother tried to stop me, (and I loved him to bits for this) but I needed to see. It brought me peace.

In this last year many of my struggles have subsided. They will always be a part of me-but I have let most of it go. Words have helped me a lot. Writing has too. Each time someone says my brain works quickly or my writing has impacted them, I will be grateful to you. You gave me both.

As I said-you were my first teacher, of course, Professor.

I have begun to realize more since you passed away  about how desperately I craved a Father all my life. It seems like many moments of my life have tried hard to make up for an areas that did not seem accessible to me. How I have spun things, and created things, and dreamt things, and obsessed about things, and made things orderly, and lived in chaos-all in search…..of something I felt I did not have. I make up for in my life daily what I felt I have never had at the core but so desperately wanted.

If there is a heaven up there, please send me a sign of peace and joy?  Please send me a little wish that I may find and keep with me forever? Your final farewell perhaps?  Sent specifically for your girl? If you send it-I will find it. I am good at searching. I am good at finding.

May I be Free of Worry?

May I be Well?

May I feel Safe and at Ease?

May I feel at Peace?

Thank you for the peace you offered me in your papers as you departed. I used some money to build a beautiful dock on the water at our new cottage. When I sit on it, and I receive our family and our friends, their smiles, their happiness-I think of you. I try to remember on that dock, more of the beginnings than the ends.

I have named it “Underwater Whale” to remember you and to honour you. We both know we never came up to the surface for each other but we had our own ways of swimming sometimes underwater together. I will think of you and remember you as I swim, and come up for air, and go underneath again. I will dream of you as I strive to live my life above water and not underneath it

I will think of you as I continue to put ink in my pen and let music flow back into my heart.

““Shining sun over the lake.. my domain”

Winter Wonderland

I love winter...probably almost as much as summer. I never thought that could be so-but as I lie here at Trent in front of a fire, looking out with the beautiful blustering snow blowing around the snow tipped tree tops...I begin to understand that I rarely come across such beauty in nature. I love the look of snow.

I wasn't always like this-I used to wish winter away in fact. About 7 yrs ago though we went out and bought super warm (and expensive!) long johns and ski suits for everyone and continue to make our winter wardrobe and warmth a priority and ever since we are fans of winter. We are warm.

Gone are the days of freezing my ass of literally. Toasty warm makes a difference I assure you.

Below I am listing our 5 top winter loves(I think I can speak for our whole (sleeping) gang here.

1-Skiing. I have never seen all 3 of my kids so passionate about anything like they are about skiing. This year even our 10 year old daughter has far surpassed both her parents in ability. We are good-they are great.
We love watching their form, their style, their grace. It's wonderful. As for us we like it a lot too-but like the ski lift conversations and the apres ski just as much. Two hours-perfect for us. Clearly not enough for them. Hooray new cottage with ski mountain 10 mins away and all 3 being able to now ski their little hearts out with or without us there the whole day.


2-Skating in the forest. Gorgeous ice rink here near cottage twirling around the trees. A true winter wonderland .
Hubby and Bear cross country to the rink and back:)

3-Cross country skiing. We have a gorgeous path minutes from here and although I just began this sport this year about three times now and I TOTALLy SUCK at it- I love it. It is so peaceful and calm. I love looking at the treetops and the snow and getting a workout while I am doing it. Now....if I could now just be good at it..then I would like it even more.

4-Jacuzzi's outside or inside with windows open. You know those spas that have outside jacuzzis in winter? Love that. Love feeling of snow falling on my head and freezing head and hot body. The best.

5- Reading and writing by the fire. We can sit many hours just staring at the flames. Mesmerizing and cozy and wonderful. I just did a very detailed and lengthly task for work I have been putting of all week for work and it was pleasant in front of the fire...flames relax me.

(6-sorry!) Watching kids be so active and playing outside all the time. Ice hockey, shimmy hockey, toboggans, skiing, snowmen, neighbor's skidoo. Shoveling the roof with Dad-and clearing the rink. Love that tv is and afterthought in winter wonderland. In the city they do nothing but stay inside-in the country they do nothing but be outside. Makes me happy.

Will end on a slightly negative note: I could seriously do without scraping ice off my car everyday, wearing huge winter coats over bulky business suits, having to slip and slide during power walks and doing errands in the freezing cold.

My advice for the winter: Buy some seriously warm clothes for outside and start loving a winter sport. You will surely be converted. Promise.

Bad Cashews and Conversations

It's been a rough week. That's for certain.

My hubby has been involved in very difficult extended family conversations over difficult matters.

What has hit me this week around this is how emotional stress takes a toll on us physically-the link is so clear.

Suddenly headaches, wanting to throw up, indigestion and backaches start creeping up. At first you don't make the link and connect the dots-but it's all right there in front of you.

When I asked my husband one day this week if he thought he had the stomach flu-he wrote me back and said "no just bad cashews and conversations"

A few words of encouragement from me by email....and my hope and kind words ...and tummy ache seemed to go away. (Poor guy that's all I could offer him -I have not been around for any of this stressful week he has had as I have had work commitments ).

I have also realized two things this week in terms of difficult conversations that I think are crucial when two people don't see eye to eye on something.

Acknowledgment
Integrity

No one ever intended that people should see things alike did they? We are all diverse for a reason.
Acknowledgment is a powerful communication tool-many wars would be alleviated if we used it more often. To reinforce our understanding of the way a person is feeling (despite if you feel that way too) To use acknowledgment as a way to connect and heighten your relationship.

To be acknowledged is to be heard.

To be heard is to feel connected.

Despite what further actions actually ever take place.

And integrity as a compass. To leave any situation with grace and respect and dignity, for yourself as that is who you have to live with in the end. Ensure that after all is said and done-you come out being proud of YOU.

I admire my Protector a lot, as in every interaction he takes in life, whether that be outside or inside our family these two values he carries with him. They make up who he is at the core.

As my guest blogger said a couple of weeks ago in her grounding post, family has the ability to bring us back to the beginnings in many ways of who we really are.

I might add-yes but what do you do about it when you come back to it -all grown up? I agree family has the ability to bring is to our knees, to make us have tummy aches, to make us hate nuts we usually love, to make us take an extra drink at midnight just to be able to sleep. We love them deeply but they have the ability to bring us to our rawest form.
But... I think they also have the ability to acknowledge us all grown up. If they want to that is...What a precious gift that is. To be seen and heard as who you are..now.

FAQ from Guest Blogger-Teacher of Beauty

We had some great questions about my guest blogger's first post...

Here are some answers that she has put together for you below:

al-oh-PEE-shah

Q. When you say you have lost your hair, what do that mean?

A. Exactly that. I have no hair on my head. Not one strand.

Q. What is it the name of the condition?

A. The condition is called Alopecia. Although I am by no means an expert, research tells me that it is considered an autoimmune disease, in which the immune system, which is designed to protect the body from foreign invaders such as viruses and bacteria, mistakenly attacks the hair follicles from which hairs grow. This leads to hair loss.

Q. Are there varying degrees?

A. There are a number of different types of Alopecia, but the ones I am most familiar with are:

Alopecia arreata – bald patches appearing typically on the scalp

Alopecia totalis – complete baldness on the scalp

Alopecia universalis – complete hairloss on the body

Q. How do you get it?

A. Now this is a very difficult question to answer. In short I do not know and neither do the medical profession. There is no known history in my family. There is no known medical cause. There is no way to catch it and there is no way to cure it.

Q. Is this a serious illness?

A. Alopecia is not a life-threatening disease and it does not cause any physical pain. In fact I have to say I am very healthy person. However let’s be clear this affects a person’s appearance dramatically which is of course a serious matter. The main effects of alopecia are primarily social and emotional however in the case of alopecia universalis, the loss of eyelashes and eyebrows and hair in the nose and ears can make a person more vulnerable to dust, germs and even bright sunshine.

Q. Does the hair grow back

A. Its apparently possible – who knows, I am not betting on it

Q. Is there a cure/treatment

A. To my knowledge, neither

Medical Surge

You know how in life people say that it is never too late to start something?

Well that is untrue in my case.

 I wish I had become a surgeon.

 Honestly, I watch shows like Grey’s Anatomy and I just cry the whole time, just out of pure passion. My family makes so much fun of me.


I would have been a great surgeon. Honestly.


Ok there are a few minor issues such as I was bad in science, never could bare to cut open a fetal pig in biology, when I was forced  by my teacher never ate bacon again, hate the sight of blood and am not detail oriented at all…but besides all that it all would have been really wonderful.

 I mean is forgetting to leave a sponge in a body at the end of a surgery super crucial?

 But in all sincerity, I just think I have the type mind and the passion to be a surgeon. I like all the critical and important decisions they have to make, and the cool lab coats, and those things over their heads.

I like the way their face is all covered
with masks so that their eyes do all the talking.
I love all the important words that come out of their mouths.

I especially love all the bossy chief surgeons, who bark out orders all day long and everyone listens to them.

I wonder if there is “Head of Surgery” where you can be in charge of everyone but not have to operate? That would be perfect for me!!

So tonight for family night –I was the director and I pulled out all the bells and whistles. Started out with a simple quote from Albert Einstein to get their brains all turning and then moved into the heavy duty teaching moments.

I had us all watch my favorite episode ever of Grey's Anatomy where they separate the conjoined twins!!!! It was amazing.

The kids were in awe, the didn’t even have an appetite for the Oreos that I provided as a treat, and they begged to stay up until 10pm and watch the whole thing. Of course I let them-I mean this is serious business here we are talking about people.

My plan worked it seems! I wonder which one will turn out to be a surgeon???

I am so excited that we might all have access to instant and free medical care our entire lives with a possible doctor in the family! Bear even said he would donate his kidney to any of us any day of the week-how generous of him!

 
So as you can tell I am excited. They say that when you feel this way you should name the feeling and go with it.

Passion is the name for it for me.

One big WOW.

  I will stick with my current career however as it may just be a tiny wee bit late to go back to medical school when you are 40 and do a 6 yr residency after the 12 yrs of school-do you agree? Oh ya and since my BAC is in not in pure science let's add on another 3 yrs for that too.
Somehow not sure how great for a marriage it would be for a husband to be retired and his young bride to be pulling out livers all night long for 72 his (or at least yelling at others to do so ).


I will try to look at the parts of this career that make this so attractive and exciting for me and bring them into my own exciting role where I don’t have to cut open pigs or faint from fear on a daily basis (yet anyways). We never can predict how our job can alter in the future can we really?

 

Teamwork, Collaboration. Excitement, Adrenaline. Passion. It’s all part of the package all wrapped up in a different way. If you look for it you can find it all-today, tomorrow and everyday after. 

So get ready to move over fetal pigs. I am getting ready for some serious bacon. I am going to make some room for you all in my life. Not sure exactly how yet-but I will figure it out somehow.

 An evening hobby perhaps?

 I may just have to settle with some of my kids being doctors in my dreams. No pressure guys. Now go study (hard) for your big Science exam tomorrow.

So what if it's 11pm???? You heard me!

The Essential Four S’s…..

In coaching clients lately and also  just discussing family stuff with friends the question has come up ,in with two athletic boys at home  (and one athletic girl) how I have managed (or chosen) to keep my boys out of hockey and soccer leagues?

So I thought a good idea to address my views here as I am sure this topic of sports affects many families and it is interesting for me to shape my choices around this and articulate it into words.

Keeping my boys out of hockey and soccer leagues has been a deliberate choice of ours and has been both an excellent choice for our particular family in a lot of ways but also one of the hardest parenting decisions we have made too.

My husband and I are both in agreement when it comes to this subject and have discussed it many many times over the years. We will not commit to things that will drastically alter the time we spend together in the evenings and weekends all together. Since we both already have demanding jobs, “leftover time” is extremely precious and we select how we use it and what we commit to very carefully.

Their have been big disadvantages to these decisions we have made and the primary one is GUILT. We know one of our sons would have been a star hockey player and would have loved to be part of an official team all these years. He would have been so passionate and would have had tremendous joy from it. The other son-although extremely athletic, I don’t think could have cared less.

We have made a choice as a family and one of our sons although profiting from it in so many ways has also sacrificed from this decision on a personal level. He is aware of it and we discuss it often with him. He understands our decisions and supports them, but he still wishes he could play hockey on a city league. I have apologized to him many a time. Is that enough though?

Soccer is pretty much a non issue-as the boys played when they are younger but have no interest as they get older. We pretty much are all bored to tears by the game of soccer so it’s a pretty easy decision there.

Our mentality was always around sports to:

Have them exposed to as many sports as possible from very early ages. All three of our kids have played pretty much every sport available and we have paid the high ticket prices for specialized sports camps since the time they were four years of and will continue to invest in this until they are 18 yrs old. It is much easier for our schedules to pay for the summer programs than to commit all year long.

We believe that the sports we choose to highly focus on should be those that we can all do together as a family made as a way to bond and connect and enjoy our children. It is the premise of the 4 S’s for us. We have really agreed for our family that one kid’s ice time should never monopolize the other’s schedules or that one’s kid’s talent at a particular sport should take precedence from what all of us do together as a family.

So we have also focused on the mastery of 4 particular family friendly sports:

Skiing

Swimming

Sailing

Sports in Water (ok not really an S but sounds better right!?)

And man, have we focused on these sports. I am exhausted just thinking about the amount of times we have circled around a lake teaching them water sports in particular! 

 All three kids are required to reach a certain level in all of the above them with no exceptions. They will all get certified as ski instructors, camp counselors, pass Bronze swimming, all know how to waterski, wakeboard, and kneeboard at an advanced level and all have up to their Bronze Sailing. Whether or not they continue after these levels or certifications is up to them but they have to achieve that level at the least. I think all these teaching certifications are good for their future CV, confidence, job marketability and overall athletic ability.
We strictly impose these expectations with all of our heart and soul with varying level of happiness, acceptance, resistance and going with the flow over the years from our different children at various stages of their lives.

My Father will be rolling in his grave that I have not imposed music in the same way. Thank goodness for my two brothers and their childrenJ))

In terms of other sports ,they do tons of them just not on leagues. The boys have done many hockey house leagues (but not city ones), specialized hockey clinics all years round, hockey camps etc.. They all do stuff like dirt bike, dance, gymnastics, baseball, volleyball, rockclimbing,  golf  and everything else  under the sun-but  just not on leagues.

One of our other biggest reasons for keeping them from leagues is the cottage. We spend almost all our weekend time there and we allow nothing to get in the way of that. Ever, Period.

For us weekend time is so precious, and the years so short that we will have the children in our care-we refuse to spend this time getting up at 6am to go on a freezing rink or a hot soccer field, when we can be sleeping in a bit more, having family brunches, spending time together and then heading off late morning on the lake or ski hill all together for our sports.

So that is where we are at and the decisions we made and overall I feel good about them. Guilt makes it way to me often for Bear…and we question ourselves every now and again. In a way we are selfish-to our benefit- because we want to hang out with our kids as much as possible and this strategy allows us too.

(You must understand now also why it is also so desperately important to me that our kids are in elite sports programs in high school where all the sports are played afterschool and during school hours and part of the overall curriculum? It works well for our lives. I will fight battles to make sure they are enrolled).

Chase is already in the program of course, Bear would have been if his organ did not decide to rupture the day of the audition (and he will be as long as I trust the process right?) and Beauty is sure to do a specialized dance program or even elite sports too when her turn comes around.

Thank goodness they all turned out super athletic and in shape or I would have felt really guilty.

We can only hope that one day as they ski the mountains with their own kids, and sail the waters with their own partners that they will see why we did this. We place more importance on these opportunities to share these sports with their own families one day than to have them excel at a particular league sport that they will likely never use much in their adult lives. It’s a choice we made that comes with consequences and sacrifices.

What are the choices you have made? What impacts have they had? Have you filled your time in line with your values when it comes to kids and sports?

At the end of the day- we might have had an NHL hockey player right (not!!!) but even  if  that was the case….I still think our preference would have been for many cuddles and conversations by the fire, and family nights, and skiing down a gorgeous mountain and shoveling snow together. We would have opted for Happy Hours on the docks, and dips in the lake.

I am actually sure of this. I wouldn’t trade in these moments for anything else.  So NHL...you might just have to keep the goalie you have for the moment:) We are keeping ours.