In coaching clients lately and also just discussing family stuff with friends the question has come up ,in with two athletic boys at home (and one athletic girl) how I have managed (or chosen) to keep my boys out of hockey and soccer leagues?
So I thought a good idea to address my views here as I am sure this topic of sports affects many families and it is interesting for me to shape my choices around this and articulate it into words.
Keeping my boys out of hockey and soccer leagues has been a deliberate choice of ours and has been both an excellent choice for our particular family in a lot of ways but also one of the hardest parenting decisions we have made too.
My husband and I are both in agreement when it comes to this subject and have discussed it many many times over the years. We will not commit to things that will drastically alter the time we spend together in the evenings and weekends all together. Since we both already have demanding jobs, “leftover time” is extremely precious and we select how we use it and what we commit to very carefully.
Their have been big disadvantages to these decisions we have made and the primary one is GUILT. We know one of our sons would have been a star hockey player and would have loved to be part of an official team all these years. He would have been so passionate and would have had tremendous joy from it. The other son-although extremely athletic, I don’t think could have cared less.
We have made a choice as a family and one of our sons although profiting from it in so many ways has also sacrificed from this decision on a personal level. He is aware of it and we discuss it often with him. He understands our decisions and supports them, but he still wishes he could play hockey on a city league. I have apologized to him many a time. Is that enough though?
Soccer is pretty much a non issue-as the boys played when they are younger but have no interest as they get older. We pretty much are all bored to tears by the game of soccer so it’s a pretty easy decision there.
Our mentality was always around sports to:
Have them exposed to as many sports as possible from very early ages. All three of our kids have played pretty much every sport available and we have paid the high ticket prices for specialized sports camps since the time they were four years of and will continue to invest in this until they are 18 yrs old. It is much easier for our schedules to pay for the summer programs than to commit all year long.
We believe that the sports we choose to highly focus on should be those that we can all do together as a family made as a way to bond and connect and enjoy our children. It is the premise of the 4 S’s for us. We have really agreed for our family that one kid’s ice time should never monopolize the other’s schedules or that one’s kid’s talent at a particular sport should take precedence from what all of us do together as a family.
So we have also focused on the mastery of 4 particular family friendly sports:
Skiing
Swimming
Sailing
Sports in Water (ok not really an S but sounds better right!?)
And man, have we focused on these sports. I am exhausted just thinking about the amount of times we have circled around a lake teaching them water sports in particular!
All three kids are required to reach a certain level in all of the above them with no exceptions. They will all get certified as ski instructors, camp counselors, pass Bronze swimming, all know how to waterski, wakeboard, and kneeboard at an advanced level and all have up to their Bronze Sailing. Whether or not they continue after these levels or certifications is up to them but they have to achieve that level at the least. I think all these teaching certifications are good for their future CV, confidence, job marketability and overall athletic ability.
We strictly impose these expectations with all of our heart and soul with varying level of happiness, acceptance, resistance and going with the flow over the years from our different children at various stages of their lives.
All three kids are required to reach a certain level in all of the above them with no exceptions. They will all get certified as ski instructors, camp counselors, pass Bronze swimming, all know how to waterski, wakeboard, and kneeboard at an advanced level and all have up to their Bronze Sailing. Whether or not they continue after these levels or certifications is up to them but they have to achieve that level at the least. I think all these teaching certifications are good for their future CV, confidence, job marketability and overall athletic ability.
We strictly impose these expectations with all of our heart and soul with varying level of happiness, acceptance, resistance and going with the flow over the years from our different children at various stages of their lives.
My Father will be rolling in his grave that I have not imposed music in the same way. Thank goodness for my two brothers and their childrenJ))
In terms of other sports ,they do tons of them just not on leagues. The boys have done many hockey house leagues (but not city ones), specialized hockey clinics all years round, hockey camps etc.. They all do stuff like dirt bike, dance, gymnastics, baseball, volleyball, rockclimbing, golf and everything else under the sun-but just not on leagues.
One of our other biggest reasons for keeping them from leagues is the cottage. We spend almost all our weekend time there and we allow nothing to get in the way of that. Ever, Period.
For us weekend time is so precious, and the years so short that we will have the children in our care-we refuse to spend this time getting up at 6am to go on a freezing rink or a hot soccer field, when we can be sleeping in a bit more, having family brunches, spending time together and then heading off late morning on the lake or ski hill all together for our sports.
So that is where we are at and the decisions we made and overall I feel good about them. Guilt makes it way to me often for Bear…and we question ourselves every now and again. In a way we are selfish-to our benefit- because we want to hang out with our kids as much as possible and this strategy allows us too.
(You must understand now also why it is also so desperately important to me that our kids are in elite sports programs in high school where all the sports are played afterschool and during school hours and part of the overall curriculum? It works well for our lives. I will fight battles to make sure they are enrolled).
Chase is already in the program of course, Bear would have been if his organ did not decide to rupture the day of the audition (and he will be as long as I trust the process right?) and Beauty is sure to do a specialized dance program or even elite sports too when her turn comes around.
Chase is already in the program of course, Bear would have been if his organ did not decide to rupture the day of the audition (and he will be as long as I trust the process right?) and Beauty is sure to do a specialized dance program or even elite sports too when her turn comes around.
Thank goodness they all turned out super athletic and in shape or I would have felt really guilty.
We can only hope that one day as they ski the mountains with their own kids, and sail the waters with their own partners that they will see why we did this. We place more importance on these opportunities to share these sports with their own families one day than to have them excel at a particular league sport that they will likely never use much in their adult lives. It’s a choice we made that comes with consequences and sacrifices.
What are the choices you have made? What impacts have they had? Have you filled your time in line with your values when it comes to kids and sports?
At the end of the day- we might have had an NHL hockey player right (not!!!) but even if that was the case….I still think our preference would have been for many cuddles and conversations by the fire, and family nights, and skiing down a gorgeous mountain and shoveling snow together. We would have opted for Happy Hours on the docks, and dips in the lake.
I am actually sure of this. I wouldn’t trade in these moments for anything else. So NHL...you might just have to keep the goalie you have for the moment:) We are keeping ours.
