Message (s) in a Bottle

Sometimes life is just crazy.

Someone I know really well whose Hubby had a vasectomy a year ago…is now pregnant with twins and just announced it officially!!!!! Ya ya..we had a few suspicions over the last weeks but thought a large lunch was responsible not an unexpected pregnancy! I mean this qualifies to me like  the the birth of baby Jesus(s)!

Life certainly presents us with surprises doesn’t it????

So just found out this big news. BIG news. And started to wonder: What would I do in this situation? Could I handle this?? What would I do? Anyways just made me put my own life into perspective a little and made me think a lot.

I thought it deserved a blog post and she agreed I needed to post this on my blog so that she actually sees it written  and actually believe it herself!

I guess it all depends how we perceive the way we handle surprises in life; do we view them as obstacles or as gifts of fate? How do we handle in life what we have not planned or expected? I think it is in these moments when we are  trulydefined as people. Where our true characters are revealed. The planned stuff is a piece of cake really because we have time to think, and absorb and deal with our thoughts. The unplanned stuff  is where the real fun begins. How do you handle cards that are thrown at you or towards you without your “consent” necessarily? Are you graceful? Resentful? Able to cope?

A Huge congrats to this amazing girl who will now have a double surprise on top of her existing crew . Knowing her and the wonderful Mommy she is….this was certainly meant to be for those two babies and they will be lucky to count her as their MomJ She is a woman filled with grace…and I am in awe of how she is handling this news.
She will definitely be the type to handle this news as a gift and never look back. She will embrace every moment of it (as soon as she is out of shock and off the floor).

As for me? Well I am terrified that this would happen to me too now!  (selfish I know thinking about me during her big news) I called my own Hubby and he was paralyzed with fear too for us-poor soul . I guess my next bath with him will be next Valentine’s day eh?

Well I do like the little powered scent of babies…..their cute little dimples…their adorable little noises. Hmmmmm…

Not!

The Lessons of Fear

This morning the “I Love Boobies” bracelet took on a whole different meaning for me.

As I sat there waiting, I looked at all the women in the waiting room who like me had been asked to go there and get an ultrasound because a suspicious lump had been found.

What an awful feeling. What a feeling of complete hopelessness and fear they must be all feeling.  Every woman in that room.

I felt so lucky to have had the funds to pay the high ticket price to rush and get the appointment immediately without  a wait at all. Imagine having to wait months and months under the public medicare system as many people do? Torture.

I was told during the very high teach ultrasounds “right normal” “left normal” .Music to my ears of course.

What had an impact on me today though was how our perspectives change so much about literally everything when we think that there is any small chance that health may be taken away from us.

I became keenly aware of this again at the end of last week also as I learned that a close friend of ours is having some serious health issuesL. It has been on my mind since and hasn’t left my thoughts often. I think of this person and how life has been changed and impacted. It does not seem fair or right. Does it ever?

It’s in these moments of reflection I  think we are at our best really, because we are afraid.

Our heads are clear, and our hearts are open. We are grateful and we are kind. We thank goodness for the support systems we have, and we are grateful for the health of the loved ones that surround us.

Nothing in those moments matters more than being able to go back to our comfort zones. With our health intact.

But what about the ones who leave those room with bad news?  Who don’t have anyone to share the news with? Who don’t have the funds to expedite private tests and care and who have to wait months and months in fear and desperation?

What about them?

And I find it sad that I only have these thoughts when suddenly I am thrust amongst this group…that I may have something at stake myself? My empathy increases as my own situation declines?

What I can say though over the last two years is that these moments of clarity occur much more often for me which I am proud of. They are there at times other then in waiting rooms. They are there without being necessarily coupled with fear.

They are there because I am clear on what I want from life much more in the last two years. I live my life much more now…with the feeling that any day really could be my last one. I have bucket lists, I follow my heart, I take more risks, I have more order, I do more silly things and I have deeper conversations and connections. I love to a different level.

I know what I am searching for now, wheras I did not have that clarity fully prior.

I daily try and remind myself of my Happiness Project and what is in it. I am much more aware of what I need and what others may need from me as I go thought this life on earth.

So although it’s far from perfect or completion and a continuous work in progress-this awareness brings me some comfort both in that office today and outside of it now.

So as I went back to my car , even though a driver cut me off, even though the directions my Hubby gave me to get to the clinic were incorrect, even though I know tonight I will need to stay up half the night  working having been absent for 1.5 hrs. for this appt, even though I have a massive headache and a whole lot of sadness on my mind:

 I felt extremely light and lucky as I left there today

And as I looked at my phone and saw two very sweet messages from my Hubby and my Mom (one saying “I love your boobies! And one saying I love you!) Guess which is which???

I felt not only light and lucky-but loved.

And I vowed to myself to try and bottle up that feeling of gratitude, but more importantly  also of empathy and sadness ,and keep it with me not only during crisis times, but everyday.

To remember and keep with me always that feeling in that office today and let it fuel my heart going forward.

Perfectly Grey

I realized today an important ambition of mine.

It’s to be able to wear glasses that are grey.

Not Black. Or White. Not the Rose type either.

A perfect shade of grey would look great on me.

And I guess you get it by now that I am not talking about real glasses? I am talking about the lens that we each choose to see life through.

I think up until now I have been a black and white kind of person when it comes to glasses. 

Not the rose colored glasses unless I am feeling really, really down and desperate.

 I also tend to surround myself with people who look like me; I am drawn to them.So in essence I have many people around me, loving me and me loving them but all looking at things in the same light.

It’s this way for me-or it’s that way. But  the problem is that this  is not working for me anymore. It brings a lot of success, but not as much comfort as I am looking for in my life at this stage now.

Ambiguity has been a theme for me in the last two years and to do ambiguity well you need grey glasses. The zone is grey and to see it well you need the right colored glasses right?

Isn’t it interesting what happens when you allow yourself to change?  Open yourself up to it. It’s interesting what emerges. It’s fascinating what may be there that you have not been able to see before.

This week I started really black and white and then what seemed to be out of necessity at the time- switched to gray. I found that as I switched my lens, my Protector was different too.

New sides emerged. New pieces. More space was made. He took up more space because my glasses were grey. He likes grey I think. It’s weird for him, and hard, and to some level uncomfortable to see me this way, but it’s good for the love between us.

He came to some conclusions for me that were really good. That really made sense. That my brain-when I had on other lens could not piece together or identify. He was able to solve a piece of a puzzle for me this week. Just like when my brain wanted a daughter, just like when my brain needed my six month old to sleep through the night and find a methodology. Just like when my Dad died.  Just like when at one point there was a big conflict between me and one of my brothers. Just like when Bear was in surgery and he needed to be at an audition that would change the course of his future .

You know those "Aha!" moments when you almost say aloud "Is that so?? That makes so much sense! Now I GET it!"

My brain may work in black and white and gets me many places. But his brain? His brain kicks in on overdrive when mine is just completely out of battery and has gone stale. Gosh his brain is good! 

His brain works for the really, really important things.It goes on complete overdrive when it matters.

I am going to train my mind this year to perceive things in different ways that I am used to. I am going to take that leap for ambiguity to be a place that is good enough to be, instead of a place of  in- between before the real thing. I am going to start training my brain to see that ambiguity could lead to paths that would not be there if the road was already fully paved.

For this week anyways, and hopefully the next one, and the next one after that ,I am going to rely on faith and not logic.

It’s more than a leap of faith for me. It’s really going to become a transformation

I started out with Trusting the Process

Now I am going to Believe.

To Own our Choices

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever”

Keri Russell

I saw this quote yesterday and it really resonated with me. I find it amazing in life that what we do (or don’t do) can change us and the outcomes to such a large degree. It’s as if every step we take makes a difference.

I find this both extremely powerful and terrifying at the same time.

I have had a few conversations with our children this week on the impact of what we do in life or do not do. What we choose to say or not to say. It’s all a choice.

We have had a few situations in our life lately where we have had some big choices to make (as it relates to some extended family difficult conversations and negotiations that have been ongoing).  We have chosen to rely on our fundamental values during these more difficult times and hope that these guides and foundations lead us in the right directions in our interactions and decisions.

The kids also in the last weeks have come up against a few situations with their friends where they have had to choose their behaviors and actions.

We have had some good conversations at our dinner tables as of late. Last night I could have sat there all night it was so interesting (never did get that bubble bath with Hubby in on Valentines!)

I guess if we have a compass in life that guides these decisions we should be on the right path. It’s important to know by which values we make decisions.

In our family I am trying to teach our children that both of our beliefs is that honesty and integrity are at the core of everything. I sincerely believe that no one can ever be too honest or have too much integrity.  You can never look back if you use these two values and say “I wish I did not do that”.

My belief is that if these two things override everything else-we will always ensure that our decisions are the right ones.  We cannot change others but we can always feel pride in a situation where we feel we have respected ourselves, the other person, and always ensure a sense of grace. We need to look back and feel we did good and not bad. We told the truth.

Between action and reaction-there is a space..and that pause-is a choice.

Love this quote-have no idea who said it and if I used the right phrasing-but it’s what I want to teach our children is at the basis of what we believe in as their parents.

I want our children to always know-they have a choice in whatever hand life deals them. They can never control others-but they can always control themselves.

Heart Attack

I like Valentine’s Day.

Certainly much better than Halloween. That is a fact.

We do a few things around here every year and this year added a couple of new twists.

Since the kids have been young we celebrate Valentine’s Day with them and not without them. My Mom also spends Valentines’ day with us too (unless she has a date with some hot guy that is!)

I have always had this thing that I want to include the people I love on this day rather than exclude them. I don’t like the feeling that unless you are in a love relationship with someone, that you have to sit home by yourself and watch TV on a holiday. So we will always have something special going one here for now and forever to underline this occasion that all single older teenagers, single younger adults  and single hot grandma’s can enjoy together with us.

No lonely hearts in this family.

My favorite tradition on Valentine’s day that started many years ago is our daughter receiving a rose wherever she is that day from her DaddyJ)))

 If you ask me what tradition of over the course of the year means the most to me it is this.

It is totally sweet.

He delivers it to her school and she feels like a million bucks. He has promised to do this all of her life. And he will. She will always have a single rose delivered to her by her Dad to her school, her home or her workplace. Her smile is so broad and proud every year on this day. She feels so special that her Dad leaves work and hand delivers a rose to her-wherever she may be in the world.

I have had so many people wanting to start to do this tradition themselves for their daughters and Beauty always says “they are copycatting it is our tradition!!!, but I have always told Beauty that this started with us. This is not something we found somewhere else, or started doing because of somebody else. It is our tradition. It is for her.

(besides the fact that I steal traditons all over the place too!)

The boys always wonder.”What about us??” There are many things that are fair in life, and many special things they get.

But the rose from Daddy is for our girl. It means a lot to us on many levels. It’s simply and specifically for her because she is a girl. Who said life has to be fair?

The kids (and hubby) all get little gifts on the table in the morning, chocolates and little stuffed animals and I  got an amazing gift from my hubby this year that he said he will continue to give me every year which is a wonderful book of memories.

This year I was especially touched. The kids went out by themselves and bought their Dad, myself and Didi gifts with their own money. That was really, really sweet. I love that this was part of their own “to do list” and had nothing to do with mine.

Usually we have gone out for fast food for dinner which is a treat. This year it will be fondue at home as we are low on money! We have made a promise that we won’t eat out more than 1 time per month as a family as it  is  costing too much and catching up with us. We have already used up our time in February so it's fondue at home this year.

We have booked an hour of bowling for the family that evening since this is something the kids often ask for and we never find time to do.

One tradition we will add this year is something I stole from a blog I read “71 Toes”. The writer Shawni has a ton of good ideas. This one is each family member writes a few things on separate heart stickies that they love about each other and when it gets dark I will post them all up over the kitchen. In the morning we all come down to a “Heart Attack”. We will also write things about Didi and out angel housekeeper and they can have some fun with this too.

Thanks Shawni for a great new tradition! That being said I can do without your surprise for my husband which I am supposed to do all year “Make sure dinner is on the table for him when he comes home at night and ensure you give him a compliment about himself before he sleeps at night” Umm Shawna…….2012?????????  But I have to love this woman-it’s the 80/20 rule right? Love 80 % of her ideas and think the other 20% are just really, really weird.

(I can only hope that people feel that optimistic about my own blog and not the other way around (hating 80% and loving 20%)

The evening will end with a nice bubble bath with candles (not with Granny or the kids of course).

All in all Valentine’s is a good excuse as far as I am concerned to spend some nice time together as a family and enjoy each other. Don’t really need an excuse to do this or a reason. But it’s always a good reminder.

Are you Adding too much Value?

At a work meeting this week I attended the seminar of Dr. Marshall-author of the Best selling book " What got you Here Won't get you There"

There were many things I took away from his keynote address, but the most important one was:

We often focus more on teaching people what to start doing rather than teaching them what to stop doing.

Often people , either in the workplace or in personal life, can be close to perfect in their interactions, dealings and relationships....if only they would stop....????
Or could control??
Or could understand how annoying it is when????
If they became aware of the ????? And accepted it and changed it-their success would reach new heights.

And what keeps them from changing these destructive behaviors? Lack of self awareness. They usually don't know the impact they have on others.

I loved this seminar. Loved it.

I thought of all the annoying things I must be doing that could potentially be keeping me from reaching my own highest potential. I thought of others around me and wonder how their lives would alter as well with a good dose of 360 degree feedback.

Feedback is a gift-if we can digest it that way. It's an opportunity and an honor.

Dr Marshall taught me a number of things in that simple hour. Made me keenly aware of the power of expertise and the importance of knowledge sharing to really touch and impact the lives of others.

We all went home with more than a book in our hands that day. We left with inquiries, questions and reflections on our own lives and the habits of those surrounding us. It was a powerful day.

No..But..However...will slowly make their way out of my sentence beginnings as I am sure they will in all of us who attended this workshop

Yes..I will. Ok...make their way into our interactions a whole lot more.

He's In!!!!!!!!!!

OMG would be the only words I have.

Bear was accepted to the 5yr sports program for high school ...FINALLY.

Emergency surgery on audition day with a week in the hospital. Months of conversations and letters and reports and re-auditions. Months of anxiety, and tears, and worry. Months of hope, and pride, and connecting the dots.

Truly surrendering to trusting the process fully.


I may not be in Canada right now Bear-but my heart and soul are with YOU only every step of the way of this HUGE and important Win in your life.

A massive and heartfelt congratulations goes out to my beautiful boy.

You did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(February 9th will go down in our records as a phenomenal day)