The Lessons of Fear

This morning the “I Love Boobies” bracelet took on a whole different meaning for me.

As I sat there waiting, I looked at all the women in the waiting room who like me had been asked to go there and get an ultrasound because a suspicious lump had been found.

What an awful feeling. What a feeling of complete hopelessness and fear they must be all feeling.  Every woman in that room.

I felt so lucky to have had the funds to pay the high ticket price to rush and get the appointment immediately without  a wait at all. Imagine having to wait months and months under the public medicare system as many people do? Torture.

I was told during the very high teach ultrasounds “right normal” “left normal” .Music to my ears of course.

What had an impact on me today though was how our perspectives change so much about literally everything when we think that there is any small chance that health may be taken away from us.

I became keenly aware of this again at the end of last week also as I learned that a close friend of ours is having some serious health issuesL. It has been on my mind since and hasn’t left my thoughts often. I think of this person and how life has been changed and impacted. It does not seem fair or right. Does it ever?

It’s in these moments of reflection I  think we are at our best really, because we are afraid.

Our heads are clear, and our hearts are open. We are grateful and we are kind. We thank goodness for the support systems we have, and we are grateful for the health of the loved ones that surround us.

Nothing in those moments matters more than being able to go back to our comfort zones. With our health intact.

But what about the ones who leave those room with bad news?  Who don’t have anyone to share the news with? Who don’t have the funds to expedite private tests and care and who have to wait months and months in fear and desperation?

What about them?

And I find it sad that I only have these thoughts when suddenly I am thrust amongst this group…that I may have something at stake myself? My empathy increases as my own situation declines?

What I can say though over the last two years is that these moments of clarity occur much more often for me which I am proud of. They are there at times other then in waiting rooms. They are there without being necessarily coupled with fear.

They are there because I am clear on what I want from life much more in the last two years. I live my life much more now…with the feeling that any day really could be my last one. I have bucket lists, I follow my heart, I take more risks, I have more order, I do more silly things and I have deeper conversations and connections. I love to a different level.

I know what I am searching for now, wheras I did not have that clarity fully prior.

I daily try and remind myself of my Happiness Project and what is in it. I am much more aware of what I need and what others may need from me as I go thought this life on earth.

So although it’s far from perfect or completion and a continuous work in progress-this awareness brings me some comfort both in that office today and outside of it now.

So as I went back to my car , even though a driver cut me off, even though the directions my Hubby gave me to get to the clinic were incorrect, even though I know tonight I will need to stay up half the night  working having been absent for 1.5 hrs. for this appt, even though I have a massive headache and a whole lot of sadness on my mind:

 I felt extremely light and lucky as I left there today

And as I looked at my phone and saw two very sweet messages from my Hubby and my Mom (one saying “I love your boobies! And one saying I love you!) Guess which is which???

I felt not only light and lucky-but loved.

And I vowed to myself to try and bottle up that feeling of gratitude, but more importantly  also of empathy and sadness ,and keep it with me not only during crisis times, but everyday.

To remember and keep with me always that feeling in that office today and let it fuel my heart going forward.