Perfectly Grey

I realized today an important ambition of mine.

It’s to be able to wear glasses that are grey.

Not Black. Or White. Not the Rose type either.

A perfect shade of grey would look great on me.

And I guess you get it by now that I am not talking about real glasses? I am talking about the lens that we each choose to see life through.

I think up until now I have been a black and white kind of person when it comes to glasses. 

Not the rose colored glasses unless I am feeling really, really down and desperate.

 I also tend to surround myself with people who look like me; I am drawn to them.So in essence I have many people around me, loving me and me loving them but all looking at things in the same light.

It’s this way for me-or it’s that way. But  the problem is that this  is not working for me anymore. It brings a lot of success, but not as much comfort as I am looking for in my life at this stage now.

Ambiguity has been a theme for me in the last two years and to do ambiguity well you need grey glasses. The zone is grey and to see it well you need the right colored glasses right?

Isn’t it interesting what happens when you allow yourself to change?  Open yourself up to it. It’s interesting what emerges. It’s fascinating what may be there that you have not been able to see before.

This week I started really black and white and then what seemed to be out of necessity at the time- switched to gray. I found that as I switched my lens, my Protector was different too.

New sides emerged. New pieces. More space was made. He took up more space because my glasses were grey. He likes grey I think. It’s weird for him, and hard, and to some level uncomfortable to see me this way, but it’s good for the love between us.

He came to some conclusions for me that were really good. That really made sense. That my brain-when I had on other lens could not piece together or identify. He was able to solve a piece of a puzzle for me this week. Just like when my brain wanted a daughter, just like when my brain needed my six month old to sleep through the night and find a methodology. Just like when my Dad died.  Just like when at one point there was a big conflict between me and one of my brothers. Just like when Bear was in surgery and he needed to be at an audition that would change the course of his future .

You know those "Aha!" moments when you almost say aloud "Is that so?? That makes so much sense! Now I GET it!"

My brain may work in black and white and gets me many places. But his brain? His brain kicks in on overdrive when mine is just completely out of battery and has gone stale. Gosh his brain is good! 

His brain works for the really, really important things.It goes on complete overdrive when it matters.

I am going to train my mind this year to perceive things in different ways that I am used to. I am going to take that leap for ambiguity to be a place that is good enough to be, instead of a place of  in- between before the real thing. I am going to start training my brain to see that ambiguity could lead to paths that would not be there if the road was already fully paved.

For this week anyways, and hopefully the next one, and the next one after that ,I am going to rely on faith and not logic.

It’s more than a leap of faith for me. It’s really going to become a transformation

I started out with Trusting the Process

Now I am going to Believe.