Be With People Where They Are

More and more this is becoming a mantra for me.

Right up there with Trust the Dots will Somehow Connect and Come Complete with Capability.

The older I get-the wiser too. This is a hidden gift of turning 40 I think; we use our brains more. Maybe because we have slightly less beauty to rely on? Or to be fair a bit more middle aged beauty to rely on?

We begin to realize that people in this world, close and far away from us…are really all over the place. In any given day despite what place we are in, the people surrounding us may be in completely different spaces. One could be overjoyed, the other sad, the other depressed, the other elated, one being laid off, one getting cancer, one winning the lottery, one having a new baby and another giving one up for adoption.

Talk about different perspectives that all these people may have based on the own personal situations!

A friend the other day re-counted a tidbit from her life, that I found so confusing on many levels. She seemed surprised that I was surprised, but gave little thought to the place I was with little context she provided with her news. She made the assumption that I was where she was-that I had any understanding of her unique situation and context.

I do that all the time to people. What you don’t understand how irritable I am right now-I mean I just saw my Dad in the hospital! You don’t get why I am short with my kids-I have been with them alone all week! I have little time for our relationship right now of course you understand-we just went through reorganization at work!

Have some compassion!

But really what we need to say is:

Let me explain to you and provide clarity. Try to be with me where I am now.

So the last few weeks I have been very aware of where people are and how to be with them in that place. People seem to feel more comfortable and better when I am in the same place as they are-or try to be anyways.

So in the last few weeks I had had some conversations with friends where in my head I am struggling to catch on, or to see that point of view, or to comprehend what is being said…I suspend judgment and just listen. To ask questions that from their point of view rather than mine. To get into their heads a bit-even if their heads don’t necessarily make sense to me.

And therin lies the dilemma right? Most people seem to have the ability to listen well and reflectively and really be there for others. Quite a few people are good at that.

But are there many people who are capable of really challenging someone or having them think of things in a completely different way? Those are personally the people that I want to be beside me.

Challenge me! Play devil’s advocate! Disagree with me! Teach me something!

I would likely less welcome someone trying to be with me where I am. Sometimes, for a short while that can be helpful…but more importantly Take me to a new place. A place I have never been before. Don’t leave me stuck going around and around in circles.Help me! Save me S’il vous plait???

Tough love took me to some incredible places. It made me do things I would have never been able to see or do had I not been pushed firmly by a caring and courageous friend.

But I am already good at tough love already, so what I need to be better at is being with people where they are. The combinations of the two would likely been the most powerful. I will aim for that.

So as I lay in bed the other night I asked me the question “And what if the place someone is, is not where I want to be” and my answer was clear….don’t go there.

Leave them in that place nevertheless. Not in a bad way, but in a kind way. You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Nor should you be expected to be. There are some situations and contexts where you just won’t be useful, or be able to be where they may want you to be.

And that is perfectly ok.

Him and Lucky Us

He’s the kind of boy that looks at little newborn babies and can’t help a sweet little smile on his face because he is so consumed with their cuteness.

The type of child that will ask you as you come home from work “How was your day Mom and  Dad?” and really care and be interested in the answer.

The perfect host he offers for guests to sit down, offers beer, ice and asks all the questions belonging to the adult world. How are you? Your work? Your kids? What is new in your life and work lately?

He is deeply passionate about the sports he excels at. If he decides his passion is golf he will pronounce that he will be golfing everyday he can-Alone-and he will actually do it.

He is organized and neat. His presentations and his projects look like something I still at my age and level of career don’t have the ability to pull off so well in such and organized way.

He is popular both with boys and girls. Everyone wants to be around him, and adores him. For the most part he could not care less-he is a loner in so many ways. He will seek out his friends often, but also loves his own company, He can play hockey or ping pong by himself for hours.

He has this “cool factor” that he has really developed over the years. This personal sense of style. The pants that hang “just so” below his hips, his stylish hair either long or short-his golden highlights that catch your eye and the deepness of his very light blue eyes. His socks that are always each a different color on purpose, and his bright T-shirts that bring out the sparkle of his eyes. He went from not caring about clothes for many years to coming into his own as far as style is concerned.

He got kicked out of daycare at 10 months old and faked our signature on a bad note the teacher sent home. He wins award after award for exemplary behavior at school and camp but has been on detention often.

He has a heart of gold and a will of steel. He can turn on you like the biggest summer storm. He is grateful for everything he has on a daily basis but ran out of the house at Christmas because I bought him a blanket as a gift and he hated it.

He is a very complicated fellow…until you figure him out fully.

He is high maintenance on certain days and a piece of cake most days of the year.

For his Godmother’s birthday he biked all the way to the store and chose her two favorite chocolate bars that he paid with by his own money. He said that 40 is a special number and it should be celebrated. He wrapped a nice note around them with an elastic and sent it off by mail.

He absolutely, positively adores his big brother and reminds him often. He looks up to him in so many numerous ways even though they are so very different on many levels ways. He has decided to wear to his upcoming graduation the exact same outfit that his brother wore two years ago-including the same exact pants. He does not think this is strange in any way..he admires his brother’s fashion sense and he wants it too for this important event.

He is deeply affected and attached to his little sister-he used to be sad and ask why she did not show she loved him in the way he needed. We worked on the relationship between them and tried to lessen the competition and increase the warmth and they are now very, very close and bonded and show it often. Still fights of course and competition, but they are also each other’s playmates. Badminton and basketball are their new pastimes together. He anxiously awaits her homework to be done so that she can play outside with him.

Recently when a friend’s Father died, who amongst two sons also had a 10 yr old daughter..he shook his head over and over in sadness repeating “imagine Beauty if that happened in our family..imagine her losing her Daddy…that would be awful….she needs her Daddy-she is just a 10 yr old girl” He always puts the feelings of others in front of his own.

He has a sweetness and gentleness about him that is beyond words. On a plane he will gently take my hand and massage finger by finger, so softly, so gently like the touch of a butterfly. The movement and gesture so unexpected and out of the blue. His affection can never be fully predicted.

As he watches TV-he will fall asleep in my lap and as sleep begets him he will turn his face to me, look up at me and gently smile as he falls asleep. He will gently take my hand and out it to his face so that I can rub his eyelids to sleep. He is tender and affectionate and loving.

He will truly, truly be the most beautiful husband for a lucky girl one day. I cannot even imagine how well he will treat her. He is his Father’s boy.

He already has the song picked out that he will use to propose to his one day bride and knows he wants at least 3 kids. When he visits other people’s babies he comes home and says that either I or his Dad has another or he is having them early in life.

He is AMAZING with children. He is a wonderful teacher, a gentle instructor and has already won camper of the summer 4 times in a row at summer camp that has guaranteed his employment as a teenager and young adult at their camp.

He is a committed scholar and dedicated to his work. When he is not challenged he tends to care less and his grades can go from very good to brilliant depending on his mood.

And his mood is key in this and in his life. Everyone who loves him has had the urge to slap him across the face more than once throughout his lifetime. He has been dragged to his room screaming many a time, and left out in the cold when he has had fits. He is annoying as hell sometime and exasperates his Mom, his Dad, his Didi and his sitters. He is a hard one to control or reason with even……unless you control or reason with him in a way that he agrees with.

For about an hour once every few months he becomes someone hard to live with and then he goes back to his lovable self for the next few months. It’s always shocking.

I think it can be so intoxicating to live with him and also so frustrating at times because he is a child that belongs to the world..and not really to us. He will be a leader in this world in whatever way he chooses. It’s hard to live with a leader. We learn so much and so often from him.

When I first saw him and he came home from the hospital he cried, he cried and he cried. He had this little tiny face that looked up at me and my husband looked at me and said “This is the boy who will take care of us when we are older-it is him”. 

I can’t even believe I was dumb enough to have initially wished he was a girl.

I cannot even begin to imagine our lives without exactly him in it.

He is his Dad’s “mini-me”. On our trip we discovered that even more so. He has his Father’s gentle manners, thoughtful ways, tender devotion, perfectionism, organization.  He hates seeing money spent although his good tastes are in need of money. What he has more than his Dad (and his Dad says this all the time himself) is the self confidence and assurance that Hubby never had-that his parents never fostered in him or acted upon. This takes our son’s already wonderful traits to a whole new level and his Dad is glad for it.

What has made me so in awe of this boy and our relationship is where he and I have come to together. Every single day growing closer, more bonded, because we are both committed. Figuring out how to best speak, and debate and agree and disagree. He and I have had to work to get the orchestra right and it is now turning into the symphony we have both always deserved.

He is my middle child. That yummy cream between the two chocolate wafers.

Out of possibly anyone I have ever met in my life….I think I may respect him the most if that is possible of a 12 yr old?

Ultimately, he has ended up teaching me the most. I could learn way more, I feel humbled and honored to call this little guy my son .This brilliant, wonderful, golden and gorgeous, caring, empathetic, athletic and hard headed wonder.

I believe that his Dad and I have a lifetime ahead of us of joy that this child, teenager and adult will bring us. With a whole lot of bumps along the way…to bring him to his full potential.

I could just eat this kid up he is so sweet.

I love my Bear forever and a day. Always and forever.

Hello Angry Bird! Boule-Boule.

And yes my boy……some things in life are just meant to happen that way. It will all be perfectly ok. You will see. Sometimes life has a way of getting us to where we need to go. Things happen for a reason. Isn’t that comforting?

Thank you so very much for making me and your entire family better people. For bringing out our hearts and souls and for loving us so tenderly. Thank goodness we all have you to even us out a little bit more.

Thank you most for saying you will always come home for Sunday dinners your entire life…..that has always been my biggest dream and I know that I will have that to look forward to our whole lives.

Love, Mommy.

(It's been Bear's Blog Year-surgery, trip and now Gratitude! Yay middle child for lots of attention!! Started with my gratitude for Chase last year, now Bear and next is Beauty)!!!

Life is a Series of Sprints

I often used to think that Life was a Marathon. And that all my Sprints were the wrong way

I was proven wrong.

One of the best Wellness courses I have ever attended recently confirmed to me that the most successful way to run life is through high performance, recovery, high performance, recovery. And not the traditional road of sustained mediocracy that leaves us both breathless an unsatisfied.

 I always thought that I must be getting it wrong, as so few people I am surrounded by actually do life this way. The marathon was seems to be much more popular.

Sprints have always come naturally to me, and since being married and having kids to me both and my family.

 We have also been really good in general at recovery time, but need to tweak this  a bit more to ensure our recovery time is meeting all members of the family needs and not  just mine! Talking, chatting, sleeping by the fire or on a boat, is my way of recovering but may need to throw in a bit of gardening, golf, and fixing TV if I really want to master this (and stay married)!

 We run our life very often in terms of seasons. Spring and Fall are CRAZY. All we seem to do is work, both at home and at work itself. Preparing the houses for summer, getting skis and skates organized for the Winter, the lists go on and on and on. Weekends don’t  provide a lot of recovery time in these two seasons but we try to get in some time in the evenings. We also end up seeing a lot of our friends at this time as we are not at the cottage as often.

But Summer and Winter are our times. We sprint like crazy during the week, but try to seriously recover as much as possible on the weekends and enjoy. The snow, the lake. All the beauty around us in nature. We try to book a lot less in these seasons on the weekend and recover from the full weeks we have. We protect our time like crazy at the expense of many things.

 If I look at the last 16 yrs. of my life since I have been married, I can predict pretty precisely our sprints and recovery as they generally happen around the same time of year every year. I think we have taken the same week of vacations for years and years and years! Had pool parties the same weeks. Did our Spring Cleaning on the same weekend. Kids  birthday parties and cookie bakes all pretty predictable. We know which nights we work late in general and which nights we are at home in general. Of course exceptions come up-but we most go according to schedule a good part of the time.

 Boring??? Maybe for some?  Lack of spontaneity-I think so for certain. Does it work for us? Absolutely yes!

 Our schedules and planning have provided massive comfort in our lives solely because it all leads to more leisure time, getting important things done and making time for the most important activities and people in our lives on a consistent basis.

 We are often stressed and exhausted, but then we get a recovery break and fuel our bodies, souls hould and minds before we go back to the stress again. That is the difference. If you don’t see us or hang out with us during these recovery times you might think our lives are a bit messed up because of how busy we are. But if you hang out with us at the lake, you would see just how capable of pure relaxation we truly are. The planning and the schedules and the organizing, all of those moments really get us all the rest too.

Get good marks in school=better career and more financially comfortable lifestyle later on

Save $ to RRSP or Savings-less stress if something unpredictable occurs and not need to take on a second job\

 Clears out the closets in Spring-more time to relax with friends in summer

 Focus on important projects and big deadlines in colder weather-margaritas by the pool in warmer weather

Blackberry madness in the airports on the way home, more relaxing day at work upon return

 Kids do extensive chores=less work for us to do

 Spend time with kids doing list as schedules during weekend=weekdays much smoother and less chaos.

 So I have decided that I will never be able to run a marathon-nor will my life ever resemble that. I am quite satisfied with my sprints; I actually rather like them.

I am glad my Hubby and my kids seem to be right there with me on our 5km runs through life. Hard to prepare for, difficult to sustain and plan for, out of breath during, but a whole lot less tiring than a constant marathon. Get it over with,,,,relax and then sign up for another one at a later date. Often.

 Ask us what we did on a weekend? We will always remember, and always be able to tell you.

Simply because after sprints-weekends really matter. In every way possible. I asked my husband in Italy..”Do you live your life vacation to vacation?”

 He said: “No-I live life weekend to weekend.” 

That made me really, really happy.

Heavily Medicated

This weekend I am having some not so great times even if the weather is totally hot and beautiful.

I am sick. Have been for last 6 days and just keeps getting worse and worse and

now flu is turning into throwing up and the whole bit. My Dr (and Mom) have implied that is what happens when you are sick and just keep going and going without breaks to sleep and rest. And you keep working full force  and not even

take a couple of hours off to sleep in a bit or come home earlier  through horrible cough, fever, sinus stuff, major headaches throwing up and anything else you can think of.

Come to think of it-I was actually extremely productive at work this week! What Is wrong with me??

 So this weekend I am trying to sleep and rest. I just feel so entirely overwhelmed with my life and my to do list. Whenever there is a change of seasons I feel like I cannot keep up. I feel like saying to the sun and lake-stop

tempting us we have so much work to do-we aren't ready for summer just yet!!!

Leave us alone-we have no time to bbq, and boat, and sit and watch the sunset or golf-or anything else fun.

Such a joy I am eh?

And then I become irritable with the kids because I am overwhelmed and sick and feeling crappy where really it has nothing to do with them. Can't they just laugh a

little quieter (or not at all) when I am trying to sleep all day? It's so hard to have kids when all you want to do is be alone, have peace and quiet and forget you have a million responsibilies. They are a constant reminder of all

three.

I really get on my husband's nerves when I act this way. Poor Guy.

I think I have obsessive compulsive order sometimes when it comes to Organization. It’s like I can't enjoy summer unless I have all my sun creams bought, mosquito repellent lined up and my bathing suits selected for all the good times. I think I must be a bit psycho. I wish I were not like this (and I

am certain my family would agree!!!)

I also wish my perceived "obsessive compulsive disorder" would reach the dirty dishes in the sink piled up and my clothes strewn on the floor in my bedroom. It

seems to be a very selective disorder for me!!!!

Right now up here in bed-I am even driving myself crazy and irritating myself! Thank goodness one of my girlfriends lent me a really steamy romance-apparently the rage right now even sold out in bookstores. Not sure this is the right book for me right now given my physical and mental state but I am willing to try anything at this point.

On top of everything my Mom just canceled our girl weekend in June at Trent as she predicts there will be too may blackflies and they hurt her. My only choice is to have her here all weekend in head to toes bee-swat team armored with a big mask over her face and netting covering every inch of her body. Somehow not the

relaxation and serenity by the lake I imagined us having given that I won't be able to make eye contact with her of hear what she is saying through her layers of nets!!!!

So like anything else...I hope tomorrow is better. Often all the many people in the world need is a good night sleep before life becomes more manageable, more

enjoyable and sweeter. Sometimes we need that 8 hour pause (or 5 hrs often in my case-therein lies the problem) to give us that fresh perspective we are craving.

So although today should be great as beginning of long weekend at Trent-it sucks. Today I suck.

Thought I would write about it...since that is what blogging is about right? The good days..with a handful or two of crappy ones mixed up in between (aka: LIFE).

Blogging is liberating when you write about this stuff.

It reminds me..and you...that all of us...have a whole lot of crap going on in between all those fairytale moments I choose to write about most of the time.

Goodnight!

(PS-just so everyone understands how wierd our family really is....the evening got better after I wrote this. Wrote this 10pm and sat down to DINNER 10:25pm with our three kids. Not a small dinner either, lobster entree, moules and

frites with tomato garlic sauce, homemade tabouleh and chocolate cake!!! Our daughter took breaks between courses to sleep on the couch)!

So even on the worst of days I can't get my act together to just..go to bloody bed and be normal and eat at 6pm like the rest of the nation.

But somehow this meal, at this crazy time of night, with these crazy people...reminded me just how much I love being part of this family and this home. Tomorrow I will definitely be in a better mood.

PSS-Now it is tomorrow and I am in a much better mood-and finally feel a bit better too. Did a whole bunch of physical work around the cottage, drove two

boys to golf course and hung around in the lake and on the dock with my other boy and girl-generally just enjoying life. Back on track! 

Happiness?

I realized on my vacation (and a few weeks prior and now after too) that my Happiness Project is starting to work.

I am happierJ

And really for me it comes down to three things in life-all stolen from French woman and their nature and language. If I have all three of these things as often as possible in my life I will be very pleased and content:

1-D’etre bien dans ma peau (To feel good in my skin)

2-D’avoir beaucoup de gouters a chaque jour (to have many treats each day)

3-D'avoir des enfants bien encarder (to have well brought up and life educated children)

Bien dans ma peau includes:

Being relaxed

Not being irritated

Enjoying life

Feeling proud of body

Looking good

Healthy

Fit

Feeling confident

Having nice clothes

Feeling like I want people to take pictures of me

Having personal style and brand

Beaucoup de goûters chaque jour includes:

Things to look forward to daily (friends, work, experiences,  collegues couple time, family)

Liking daily life and not just vacations

Eating yummy things and enjoying them (especially cupcakes here and there)

Treating myself to fun and relaxation (good book, Jacuzzi outside, dinner with the family)

Sending and receiving nice texts and emails from friends and families

Talking on the phone

Making time for friends and family and what is important in life

Having cool projects in my professional life

Reading

Writing

Writing on blog

Being there for people I love

Having people I love being there for me

Being sincere and honest daily
Relaxing at my cottage
making time for the most important things in life

Reaching for what I want-as hard work as that is 

Les enfant bien encadrer includes:

Well brought up and polite kids

Kids who have been given attention and handed down our family values

Kids who are self confident

Kids who can socialize with adults and be respectful

Kids who know we are not there friends but their parents and love them but will always be there for them

Kids who have a heart and soul

Kids who love each other and love us

Kids who know the difference between right and wrong

Kids who have a “vrai education” in life

Kids who make themselves proud

Kids who we have planned out long term for and not just focused on the here and now

So if I can have all of this…man will I feel happy! Work in progress for sure but at least I know my goals and are trying to achieve them! It's a start....

My (not)Drop In Uncle

I got this incredibly sweet text at the end of the day yesterday asking if there was any chance my favorite Uncle who lives far away and happened to be in town for business could go over to my place and get some hugs from my kidsJ Uncle Chez Veto.

Of course the kids were thrilled to have him all to themselves for a couple of hours and we got to spend some great time with him after work for drinks and then dinner at our place.

So I knew that today the title of my blog would be “ Not Drop in Uncle” . Mainly because I love paradoxes and play with words….and although he happened to drop in yesterday…he and his family have been the opposite of “drop in” to us all.

We have been so much a part of each other’s lives for so many years. What I appreciate most about our relationships together is the effort (which has been easy) we make for each other and for each other’s families over the years. It is so fundamentally important to all of us and it has fueled all of our actions.

Most people I know have many aunts and uncles who drop in and out of their lives-depending on what is going on. “Oh you had another baby-a card sent”” A second-whoops was too busy that year-sorry forget”. “Third one-what’s her name again”?

Not my Uncle. Not my Aunt . Not my Cousins. They have consistently been there through everything in our lives as we have for them-even with the distance between us.

At one point for a couple of years we were a littler bit less close and had a big talk about it, and made sure we got quickly back on track to where we knew we belonged. We have openness, candor, trust and integrity between us. I love the relationships I have built with Veto and Auntie Chiffon because they are deliberate, and built, and nurtured. We make time for each other and always have.

So last night…we chatted and we talked and enjoyed each other’s company. We talked of happy things and harder things. As I looked across the table at uncle Chez Veto…..it came to mind that I have always adored him and he had always adored me. I have always pictured in my life that if something went really wrong, that he would be there for me to hold me up, and support me. He is physically capable that is certain at 6’5…but more than that he is mentally capable and I cannot express how his strength has been a comfort to me over so many years of my lifetime.

I will always remember him coming to the hospital with me to see my Dad. He understood how very hard that was to me. He understood why around my Dad I was a different girl, and he accepted this and respected this.

Two summers ago on my boat, I had asked Chiffon and Veto if anything every happened to us if they would take our three children if my Mom for whatever reason was ill, or help her with raising them if she was their guardian? I have to admit I was a little shy in asking such a HUGE commitment. They both looked at me with pure love…and said from the bottom of their hearts that they would raise all three like their own. No hesitation at all.

And I know they mean it. Is there a higher compliment in life?

So this man who dropped in last night…I adore. We have always sent each other little sweet texts and emails, and he read me a birthday poem about holding me in his arms when I was a baby when he was 8 yrs. old, he gave a speech at my wedding with tears in his eyes, and hugs me endlessly with his strong arms each time I see him.

I still have the urge to sit way atop his shoulders and ask him to run though the house without knocking my head off into a beam, and I still have the urge to run towards him and Auntie Chiffon if I am feeling blue. He always made time for me in his busy life and he adores my three children to an extent that has made our lives rich, and beautiful and full of love.

I love the way my Uncle loves me.

 

I look plenty forward to the next phases of our lives together. Summer get together’s at the lakes and cottages, winter get togethesr at the cottage and on Ridaud. Thanksgiving turkey carving lessons and Fall Colors Runs. His two children (my two godchildren who are in their early adult hoods now, are my definitions of the kindest hearted, wonderful people I know).

I would feel blessed if my three kids turned out anything like either of them.

So I felt blessed for the men in my life last night, Between Uncles Chez Veto, and my two wonderful brothers…I have had some pretty good examples of adoring men. I had a hard time with my Dad, but feel blessed that I have these other important men in my life,who have surrounded me with affection and love.

When Chez Veto left last night, I realized I want to keep making him proud. I am glad to have that goal to work towards.

So there you go DirtBag!

And next time you come over, I may just ask if I can step on your feet and walk around my whole house while my head reaches only the height your tummy. You have always made me feel precious and treated me with the utmost respect and love. You have highly contributed to the Woman and Mother I have become today.

And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything that has meant to me and our family. For being a wonderful example of strength, capability, humanness, vulnerability and love.

For ultimately teaching me that we should strive as much as possible to consider every blessing we have as “Chez Veto” and to invite as many moments like that into our lives as often as possible.

Especially one day ..spontaneously..in JulyJ