When the Heart Wants

There is a blog I have been following lately that contains an element that is familiar to me. And makes me sad. And gets me thinking.

The girl writing the blog desperately wants a family and a husband and a baby-but for some reason she seems to not think this is within her short term reach.

In her blog you can taste her sadness, the disappointment, her fear and her heartaches. Even her bitterness too. It clouds her passion.

What I do relate to so completely though is her sense of urgency and desperation. It is so unbelievably difficult to accept something where you feel you have no control over. To want something that you feel you are entitled to, and want so badly. And not material things...but more of life really.

To find peace with not getting what your heart desires.

It brings us all to our knees really doesn’t it? For those who believe in a higher power I would imagine there is peace in knowing He planned something else for You. Or is there? For those of us not as believing…sometimes this lack of not getting what we feel we truly want and need can feel like life just plain sucks sometimes.

Hopefully in both scenarios somehow the person manages to make

lemonade out of lemons; certainly the strong ones and the good ones do. They most powerful turn it into something beautiful I am certain.

But is Peace ever really found? Is it?

Sometimes I get the sense the world is filled with people walking around with masks of happiness where beneath there are piles of pain. Convincing themselves they are ok where really a part of them will always be broken and lost.

My friend who lost her beautiful husband tragically to brain cancer a few months ago –will she ever really feel like she was dealt a fair hand?  Will she ever be able to spin it around for real?

And people whose child goes missing? How do you ever deal with that? How is that humanly possible?

And the sweet blog woman who wants a husband holding her and a baby in her arms..If she does not get it..why the hell not? She needs that. She needs them. Why do I get three babies and she gets none? How is that even fair or right?

I hope for them they somehow find a way to get what they feel they need .

And I hope for me that as I navigate life and all of its paths and obstacles full of both getting what I need and want and not getting other parts….that I will somehow find peace with various outcomes. And not just have to accept second best, or convince myself that the outcome was meant for my path…but truly feel real peace even when my heart is wanting more.

As I read that blog today…I felt the desperation and pain of someone wanting-who has been told (or convinced) that may not have.

I felt very naive and innocent and questioned, as I often do, why bad things often happen to good people.

 

Bad News

She calls me in the tiniest of voices.  At work.

“Mom I have bad news..” and her voice breaks and I hear the tiniest of sobs.

A failed exam?  Parents of her friend getting divorced? What harm could have come to my little daughter during the day that she would be sounding so broken about?

She says:

”Enzyme died”

The beloved dog she grew up with a good chunk of her life. Belonging to her Dad’s sister whom we shared a cottage with for years . What she considers her beloved dog.

But wait! How can this be that she knows? Her Dad and I only found out yesterday and carefully chose tonight to tell the kids since last night was too hectic and busy for such fragile news.

“How Beauty did you know that?”

“Chase told me. He found out on Facebook”

And that is why my friends I hate Facebook. And Twitter. Call me old-fashioned. Call me old.

Facebook sucks.

God I love my daughter though. Honestly sometimes I think I dreamed her to life. In her most vulnerable and sad moments……when she allows us in the way she did today……it touches me to no end.

My Mom is the Coolest Ever

Who has a Mom like that? Where 5 tween/teenage boys yearn to hang out with her?

Most teens have quilt knitting Grandmas to look forward to..mine have one who is a total rebelJ

 So last night she sent me a text (yup she knows how to text too!) and tells me that she had dinner with the 5 teen boys (my kids and their buddies) and they had a huge discussion (in English!) about what each of their opinion was on what happens to someone after they die.

How cool is that? And she cares and listens to each one..and makes the others shut up when one says he sees spirits in his room (the shy one).

She cares. And they all love her.

She leads a discussion group monthly and thought it would be cool to see what generation Y had on their minds.

She even got the shyest boy of all-the one that barely utters a word when he is with us-to speak English to her and want to tell her more about his opinion. She made them all feel like a million bucks over pizza and peach cobbler and I love her for it.

It reminded me of my own adolescence where my friends flocked to my house-because they were made to feel important. Their opinion was valued, they were heard and they were intellectually challenged. For all the times that I rolled my eyes at my parents for challenging me at the dinner table and making me open my mind-my friends envied and loved this side to my home. And secretly I loved it too-because I knew that they cared about my opinion.

And my Mom was always a hit with her stories, and wonderful personality, and the fact that she would talk about death and sex and drugs and whatever else openly with me and my friends. We could be ourselves with her and there were no secrets.

 And even my Dad, despite all his problems and eccentricities, was honored at his funeral, by many of our friends being there and wanting to say something about him that changed their lives. Our friends and family all said that he opened their minds beyond their homes. It made me feel a pride in my Dad I had not felt before necessarily before, to hear these words spoken of him. I wish I had listened harder for them when he was alive in some ways.

So Friday night with Grandma rocked. All in all-it made me want to leave her alone with these teens more often on purpose just so they can get more of her because I know the profound impact she has on them, their minds and their spirits.

I am abundantly grateful that she plays such and active role in my kids lives and that her endless love for me extends just as deeply to my husband and children.

And I am proud that she is different-as I have always been- from other Grandmas I know.

No woven mits, church and roasts on Sundays and  stale soda biscuits for this lady.

She has brought the word Granma to a whole new level and we all think she is coolest lady ever.

Keeper

My husband and I spent a good part of the week apart.

And we reunited today.

He had taken a few days off to “get a ton of outside work done” at the cottage, but really he relaxed and enjoyed which he felt guilty about but I was overjoyed for him. This man deserves a break not only from work but from US. The kids. ME bossing him around. Some peace and quiet was well deserved.

 Well he missed me..Tremendously. He always does. I think that is so sweet. He texts me and tells me, and phones me and tells me and is so happy when I am back with him again chatting him up and talking about every detail of our lives. Never shutting up.

 He is sad tonight because I am not feeling very well…I think I am coming down with the flu. I find it so sweet that he misses me.

I spent the week catching up on work and realized if I were single I would be a serious workaholic. Three nights in a row I worked until wee into the night  for the company I work for because next week offsite part of week and have to get caught up (only taking breaks to talk with a girlfriend on the phone all 3 nights).

When I am alone or travel for business I am never lonely although I miss my Hubby too. I always use the time to catch up on stuff in a major way and enjoy the pace and no one telling me to go to bed. Maybe that is why I feel sick tonight-no sleep!

So for the next day and night Hubby and I took 2 days off and then back to our beautiful kids for the second part of weekend and might even venture out into the wilderness who knows?. Our plans have changed a few times and we are going with the flow-and I think I am getting sick and feel like crap, but the important thing is that we are together and love this alone time.

Our conversations of choice right now? Nope not travel! (we have already planned out 3 yrs of travel concretely for real) It is: “how to become successful empty nesters in about 10 years. There are things we can do now to prepare and we made a list since you can never be too prepared for the next decadeJ

Also we decided today neither of us will ever be able to retire, we love vacation but work is where we belong. Gotta figure out how to be a jetsetter until at least 90 yrs old…is it easy to get hired when you have a ventilor and wear diapers?

Anyways I love that even despite how crazy and what a planner I am –my husband still misses me and appreciates me so. And this time..both these ideas of conversations were HIS. Love that man.

He’s a keeper don’t you think?

Passion

You know when it is there; and you know when it has gone away.

It’s something that is easy to recognize because your body feels it all over. The heart quickens, you blush more easily, and your nerves become on edge.

Just passion in general.

For work, for life, for friends, for family, for hobbies…or of course for lovers too.

You see it for friendships when you desperately care about their lives. When something is going on for them and you feel like it could be happening for you. When you hang out by the phone to get the next update or the next call-assuring you that they are going to be ok.

You feel it for your friends when they have babies. When you can’t sleep until that healthy bundle has been delivered and you get the call. When you hold their babies in your arms and feel as if they were your own. When you love them for real.

You know it with your partner when you look at him and feel so ultimately lucky to be his. When like a magnet you are pulled in his direction for a hug and a kiss. When you are grateful to him, and bound to him like no other. When you know that life would not be even a single bit as lovely if he were not in it.

Where you are desperately grateful for where you life has landed. Because of him.

And for your work. You know it is there when a project or a paper sparks it in you. When you lose sleep over it and the work intertwines itself in your dreams. Where there is no barrier of work and play-they are one and the same. Where you give countless hours to something when even the expectation is not there necessarily of you to do so.

When you breathe your work-you know you love it.

When the workweek rolls around and your heartbeat quickens.

You know it is there for your children when you savor them.

Live with them in the present.

Love watching them experience life.

Relish in them.

Understand there is so much more good than bad.

And for your future when you can taste the sweetness of it.

When you know it is there but can’t figure out yet exactly how to bring it to you.

When you look forward more than you look backward.

And anticipate with every sense of your being the next decade ahead for you.

Passion for me is a combination of loveliness on all levels. It is really when you know you have come a very long way.A gift you receive for your countless efforts.

When you know that you will do everything in your power to keep yourself in that place for as long as you can stand it.

Some people might start with passion.

For me it’s an indulgence that you earn as you go along in life.

PoopDeck

 I kinda like it when my kids get into my blog-it is funny. I don’t really like them following it regularly (which they don’t) because I have a problem with my kids sometimes seeing me air my dirty laundry to the world..but here and there I get a kick out of it.

Well today my boys told me I had to write a post about this one.

So this is for you boys!

It’s about poo.  Dedicated to you.

 Scene: Beautiful sunny day on the lake. After a busy weekend a little quiet boat ride and ski just the little family. All 5 on the boat and very fun although lightly irritated mood since Beauty being pulled on one water ski behind the boat and crying and screaming most the time. Very irritating. We still have no clue as to why 50% of time she does this. She is super good. Why oh why does she cry? She never tells us-she just does. It is never ending and very annoying.

A flock of 8 ducks fly above us fairly low. We look up at watch their gracefulness and beauty.

They shit on our heads. Us three in the front. Loads and loads of shit.

We three in front are totally shocked and don’t speak for what feels like minutes.

Then we begin to laugh and cry and almost puke. Bear who was most affected starts saying over and over “They shit on me..they shit on me..they shit on me”

Usually we don’t like swearing in our home but this was sooooooo funny. All Chase and I and Dad could do is laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and he said it over and over and over again.

Beauty continued to cry in the back of the boat. Now even harder as we stopped the boat to sit and laugh about shit and ignored her even more.

So we all wiped it off, it was gross.

We continued to laugh and cry for a long time.

The boys (being boys) thought a blog post was in order.

It’s fun at this age to sometimes just stoop way low and join in the fun. Take a break from being their mentors and role models and just be...ourselves basically.

And basically talk about shit. With our kids.

It’s fun to have one kid name your post and the other say” All it takes is a little bird shit to make the humor of the day better.”

I most certainly agree! That just about did it to put me back in a good mood.

Next time I am irritated or down…..I will hope a bird comes along and dumps on my head.

Excellent solution child!

Summer Happiness

 

There are so many things I have loved about summer.

But the thing I love most about summer is the person it turns me into.

All strawberry like, au natural, spontaneous, welcoming and casual. Hair wet, jogging pants and oversized sweatshirts.

Few routines and lots of good times. Opening our home to many and delighting in the happiness it gives us all to share Trent. This is such a good place.

Knowing that even if we end up eating at 11pm some nights, left with a big mess, showing the house to neighbors when it is at its messiest. Not caring, because it is summer

I am at my very best in this season.

But the chaos can’t last forever can it?

Schools need to be gone to, beds need to be slept in with proper pyjamas, lunches need to be made, chores need to be completed, and life needs to be organized.

So…I bottle up slivers of Summer me and I take it with me into the other seasons.  With three season Minty me.