Respecting Our Natural Rhythms

For years I told myself that I was a bad Mom if I did not want to eat breakfast with my family most days of the week.

I forced myself to eat Eggos, and took sips of smoothies that disgusted me. I sat at the table resentful, angry and exhausted.

Nagging, bitching or falling asleep.

I mean I come down super hard on families who don’t make time to eat dinner together…so why would breakfast be any different?

So we went through two years of forced happiness at our breakfast table where all I wanted to do was be on my laptop or blackberry in my home office shut away. Or out exercising before the day began.

This breakfast routine caused me hardship later on in the day too-as had less time to work in the morning before going to work which really works for me (lots of work in that sentence eh?); and often made me miss out on a morning power walk.

One day my husband said (sweet husband is getting back in my good books again this week) “Why don’t I just get up most mornings and make breakfast for kids and sit with them? I love making them breakfast and I need extra time alone with them anyways..."

He also loves driving the early morning carpool.

So for weeks and months I felt guilty and inadequate until I embraced “loving what is” Now I am a happy camper with our morning routines. Guilt-free and respecting what I want and need and also my husband and family’s happiness. Win-Win vs Lose-Lose.

So now morning is productive and good and healthy for all of us. One day a week Hubby sleeps in. Most days of the week when I come out of office, I am excited to give those big hugs and kisses and send them off on their day.

I often ask myself what we fight our natural rhythms in life, fight our own happiness really?

Make it a habit to respect yourself.

Disclaimer: For all  coaching clients or collegues who read this and say-“You are right then no family dinner for us!” My advice is: then make sure you have the family breakfast every morning. You have to choose at least one or else don't bother coming to see me this weekJ)

The Blessings of a B Minus

Great title eh?

I wish it were mine.

It is written by a great PHD Wendy Mogul and combines parenting techniques and the Jewish Faith.

Only half way through…but have already officially decided that if ever anyone made me become really religious one day…I think I will have to become Jewish. (It’s not going to happen but it’s still fun to think about).

I love this book. The expression from it so far that keeps running through my head is: Let God (Life) do the Work. Let Him do the work and follow His path.

I love that He and His is the child (your child) and not a mighty power. I love that the expectation is that God..means Life…and that your child is in charge of doing the work and finding his true path.

I have always heard from many religions the notion of we don’t own our children they are lent to us. It resonates with me.. But I love that in this book the kids own their paths; they make their decisions. They make their mistakes…they screw up….they recover and their God happily smiles down upon them with flaws and all. He accepts them for whoever they are and who they become.

This He knows full well that those little and big kids are supposed to make mistakes all the time and all along the way.

So I think I rather like the Jewish religion based on this book anyways. It makes sense to me.

There have often been a lot of things about various religions that I have admired…and many other aspects which really don’t sit well with me. Some parts draw me in and other parts turn me off completely.

I often feel a bit reluctant about writing about religion or politics on my blog since so many people have a differing view and belief systems. I never want to offend in any way, but on the other hand I think religious views are very important to people whether religious or not and it is part of my own growth to write on some of mine and explore these feelings.  Lucky for me I come from a close  and diverse circle of many people with many various beliefs. We are all very respectful of each sharing our own personal views.

For me, I  think the show-stopper in general about many of the religions I know about so far is that I perceive that they all hold that we are supposed to make mistakes and find your right paths, but yet the rules are often so prescriptive so to me a large contradiction in so many ways.

“Welcome to the pearly white gates of Heaven person….you can come in if:”

You have not had pre-marital sex

You have respected your neighbor

You have not screwed up to much in your life

You pray to me at least three times a day

Or if you have done all the above but still want a place in my Kingdom you must sit in a little booth and apologize for all your wrong doings behind a curtain and then..maybe I will let you in…

Etc..etc..etc…

Where is the mistake making part?  Where does that fit in? What about individuality and the people that might not fit into certain profiles....do they have to conform to be accepted?

So I felt like the God in the Jewish parenting book I am reading is someone who I could potentially get to know. Sounds like he is aware of his own shortcoming and imperfections and more than willing to let all of us humans also make a whole bunch of them.

In terms of parenting, what I appreciate about this book is that the Jewish faith expects parenting to be really, really tough and also life for kids and teens  to be really really tough too. There’s a lot of mental growing that goes on…and it is not to be taken lightly. Jews think life is better when it is harder.

That our kids, are different from us and as much as we think we may know what they need, or not need, or want or not want. We don’t know. And neither does a higher power for that matter.

Our children our unique beings with their own lives to lead, their own joys to discover and their own sorrows to cry. We can help and assist that path..but it never belongs to us or to anyone.

And we should not mold it too much or else we risk interfering.  Life is a series of lessons to be taught..

Let Life teach.

It's Magical

You get there and your feel as though it was always meant to be.

You feel like there is no question that you have made the right choice

The colors, the smells, the people and the activities

The status, the recognition, the aspirations and the choices

The determination, the motivation and the potential to succeed

Passion, persistence and peace

Some people’s favorite place might be the beach, the mountains, a quiet corner or Japan.

Mine happens to be going to the open house of the high school we chose for our two sons and where we hope our daughter will go in 2 yrs time.

It’s so magical.

Caution: Beware some major bragging below. Move over 71 Toes Blog..here I come!!!. Get ready to think I am over the top on this one.

And it not like I am an academic or even an intellectual by any means. Schools in general don’t impressive me. I don’t really care about this stuff much. Or at least I never thought I did anyway.

But something about this school tugs on my heartstrings like nothing else.

It is widely impressive and draws literally thousands and thousands of applications to get in.

 Move over Harvard!!!!

If you get a spot (which is a big, big if) it honestly feels as though you have won the lottery. And in many ways you literally have. I think given the choice if I knew all three of my kids would get in, into specialized programs like sports and dance, given the choice between that and a million dollars I would likely choose that. And so would my husband.

That is how important this is to us.

I won’t name the school as don’t like posting personal stuff about my kids and their information.

Around her in Quebec it is on the top of its class. We have a unique situation her in Quebec because some go to French school and some to English. English private high schools are very very costly so the majority go to public. French private schools almost everyone opts for because they are half the price of English and subsidized by the government to encourage French education. The majority of French Quebec’s want their kids to get these spots, even if still very costly, most won’t need to take out a second mortgage as they would for English private system.

In my opinion they are worth every single hard earned penny.

We got the bill for the two boys this year and had slight panic attacks, but quickly recovered when we reminded ourselves that the main things we are buying is 5 yrs. of pure peace (or so we have been told anyways and what we have experienced so far). We have decided that it is worth it to make room in our budgets for this.

So today was my daughter’s day. We visited exactly 1 year before she writes the exam so that she can be inspired and boy does this work. She came out of there and was asked by the principal on her way out to sum up in one word what she felt from the tour.

 “Excitant!”

Who would not be?

Honestly I think the open house today was better than any vacation day at Club Med or Beaches.  I am not even joking.

The intellectual stimulation in this school is over the top. About 25 international humanitarian trips per year organized for students are available. A complete distance learning curriculum available for when they are away at sports events, traveling across the world etc.  I pads and laptops everywhere you look, creativity rooms set up in each wing. The library looks like something the president of USA would use. The ceilings and old cathedral completely renovated and like the most beautiful churches I have seen in Europe. On a lake, all sports are done in the purest of beauty. Ballerinas on bars by the lake stretching.

The weight room at the gym by far surpasses any Nautilus I have entered. The food is like a 5 star hotel, the sports facilities are unparalled. Rock climbing walls the size of mountains, indoor full Olympic size pool, 3 gyms and full massive gymnastics plalestre. There are over 100 extra curricular activities offered and anything possible that you can every think of to do in this school.

The kids cannot leave the school premise before Grade 11 for lunch and, high, high supervision and teachers that are so involved it’s almost impossible to imagine where they find the energy.

And I have not even mentioned the academics or the expectations. I have never seen anything like this or have been able to imagine it. I could literally go on and on and on and on about this school.

It is magical.

The boys got accepted to sports programs so sports are engrained in heir academic curriculum daily and weekly. They touch 68 sports over 5 years (think scuba diving, parasailing, skiing, acrobatics, juggling and every sport you can think of it is one there)

They have to volunteer 100 hours, and participate in close to 15 marathons over the course of the program. Climbing part of Everest is an option as is skiing trips to Utah. There is nothing they cannot do in this program.

My daughter will apply to dance program and we watched the show today of the current students. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year this school’s dance troop performed at Disney they are that good.They told my daughter today she has the body and the posture of a dancer. She is a dancer..this made her widly proud.

I just cannot comprehend that we can get this for a reasonable price in Quebec. I feel so so blessed that our kids are French speaking and that we live here.The problem is of course getting in. They take the very best and top of the class. One of my kids is that, the other was not and the future one TBD. BUT…….we studied hard…they studied hard…preparation began 1 yr. before and the amount of hours devoted to studying, preparing etc…was not countable.

We had laser focus as a family when it comes to each of them getting into this school. The kids themselves want it like nothing else. They fully understand what this represents. They get it and so does every single friend they have. Think positive peer pressure if there is such a thing.

Some may disagree and see this as over the top. We don’t. We see this school as giving our children the very best opportunities in life and if nothing else great role models and inspirations of passion. I don’t care what jobs they end up getting as long as they are happy. I care about what type of human beings they become.

This place for me is what a religious affiliation  and institutions may be to others. I rely on this school to teach my kids values, and right from wrong, provide beautiful inspirations and interactions.

And so far they have delivered on every level. Going there each day is an experience especially because of the specialized programs. I have never seen a school so full of young, enthusiastic, passionate and savvy teens. Plain old good kids.

My friend and I looked at each other the other day and agreed that each time we enter that building our heart beat pick in a pace and we worry “Can our kids actually belong here? Achieve this? Make it here?”

But they did. And they do. And that is the biggest pride ever.

And I may be naïve and have another story in a couple of years, but from where I can see from now all the teen crap that normally happens in high school is fairly non-existent so far anyways and we are have one already half way through (and yes yes maybe later in the year he will be drunk, and sneaking beer into a party, or sneaking his cell phone into his room and connecting with villains)

But for now…knock on wood…….there is zero. And likewise for all the parents I have spoken too. The workload is so high, as is the volunteer and parts commitments the kids seem to have no time to get into any trouble. Most are home on weekends with their families really just being big kids (so far).  The goal this school has is to fend this stuff off for as long as possible until they are older and wiser to be able to handle so many of these complex decisions. From what I have heard most of the teens stuff happens in Grade 11 as opposed to Grade 7. It is widely not encouraged and really frowned upon, and there are high high consequences (aka you lose your spot in the school if for even once you write a rude remark on Facebook). The rules are clear and followed for the kids to whom it matters.

Losing your spot at this school is not something any kid want. It is as important to most of them as it is to most of their parents.

Lots of pressure but loads of pleasure. Work hard-play hard. Perfect for our values and our goals.

So as my daughter prepares for the long journey ahead of her over the next two years, to write the exam, audition for the grueling dance audition and actually get accepted (which is uncertain for sure). I mirror her feelings of “excitant”.

She came home today and unveiled her chosen song “Great Time” Owl City and Carly Ray. We as tradition has it,  all jacked up the sounds as loud as possible and danced as a family along to the beat. To her song. Together. For her. For her future.

They each have a song that motivates them to get into this school and it is played before studying and preparations for the exam, right before the exam, right before the dance and sports audition and again when they receive the AMAZING news that they just got accepted to what we consider……:

Heaven…. really.

It’s most certainly where I would like to spend my time if ever I was given a second chance.

Dirty Laundry and Peace

I find there is something very peaceful in giving up.

And I don’t mean the fake giving up where you pretend you give up but really you go around with a whole lot of anger and resentment about the issue. I am talking about the kind of giving up that brings you peace even though you had originally thought that might never be possible.

 And when I say giving up I am not talking about the kind of giving up that gives up on an entire person. Or entirely for that matter. I am talking about giving up on elements that as hard as you have possibly and humanly tried to make a difference on…you have been unable to.

So in a way it is failing I am talking about.

In a way it is accepting that you have lost something that you really wanted to win.

In a sense it is giving up something that you know you really need, as I spoke about the other day in my post about the heart wanting.

Accepting..defeat really. And possibly plenty of heartaches.

But paradoxically also buying peace. And isn’t that what managing paradoxes successfully really comes down to anyways?

So in keeping my commitment in keeping this blog real..and not just rosy colored and shiny, today I will officially air my dirty laundry and I quite frankly don’t  care who reads it or does not (including my husband).

I have officially given up on an issue as a couple that we have together at home as part of our and dynamic and partnership together  (not to be aired specifically) and I hope to find great peace in this decision.

Because for many years now, I have screamed, I have been sad, I have stayed up at night and often cried, I have lots sleep, I have bitched and I have complained. In between a whole lot of happiness and love. Often very much around the same issue over and over and over and over again. And it never seems to change. And no..the assumption would be after 16 yrs of marriage we are talking about a lack of sex maybe? Nope. We are not. Different obstacle. Different unbearable issue. Most things are rosy. Somethings are not. Life is hard. Marriage is tough.

And today I decided to just let it go.

To stop blaming him.

To start blaming myself.

And in blaming myself….at least I can control how I feel about that.

I choose peace.

I choose the path that I rarely prescribe but that many around me do very successfully.

Repression and/or giving up.

I have done it a few times in the last few years with other relationships when it comes to specific issues and it seems to work for me.

Why not apply it now to my most important relationship ever?

With the man and family I desperatly love and want to spend the rest of my days with.

So yes some dirty laundry for you all for today just so you know the grass is not always greener over where I live. Some days are lemony fresh and other days aren’t.

And my husband will just have to get used to the fact (which he graciously does since I talked about starting this blog) that our journey will be documented in respectful and considerate ways. We won't hide.

(And for those of you who know me well don’t expect me to talk about this in detail anytime really soon. It’s a big one for me. But I will I promise……as soon as I have it sorted out a bit more in my head).

I personally could never stand myself if I wrote a book or a blog on family unless the many facets of my own life were discussed and revealed. My own ups and my downs in this crazy yet beloved life.

And I don’t intend to read anyone else’s book or blog where their true selves are not shared. Thankfully for me- my favorite blogs don’t disappoint. Each morning I wake up to various posts on a slice of heaven or a bit of hell and I find that immensely enjoyable and comforting. Don’t  you?

Hopefully my dirty laundry today makes yours feel that much fresher tomorrow?

And don't worry I will be back to myself at one point soon. With maybe a bit more defeat and a bit more failure in my backpack-but maybe with a whole lot more peace too. sometimes I wonder what is heavier to carry.

The Gift of Feedback

I have learnt a damn lot these last few years.

Mainly because of my amazing job at the pharmaceutical company I work for and the many courses, surveys and people I am exposed too.

Learning and teaching is a fundamental part of my job and boy and I happy about that.

Honestly after some weeks I feel like I have grown so much I am 7 feet tall. I come home, often after offsites, richer in spirit, so much more mature and knowledgeable and terribly and desperately spent and exhausted.

The expectation to learn and grow is fast and fierce around here and I love getting to live into these expectations.

What I have learnt the most in the last two years is about feedback.

How to give it and how to receive it. Effectively..but most importantly..not just getting and giving it effectively but the desire to want to both give and receive more.

The good, the bad and the ugly. Because all of it is good and leads to good things in the end.

It’s amazing how when I get it-from people I respect…it impacts me, and sometimes disturbs me initially on some levels, but then fuels me into action.

When I give it….I feel like I am making a true difference in the person’s life. And I only give it to people I really love.

Recently, I have surrounded myself with people who both like to give and receive feedback. I have surrounded myself with people who are supportive of me and allow themselves to be supportable by others. I have surrounded myself with people who are non judgmental and open and free.

It feels like a part of me is going full circle and coming back to my roots. Where I have spent most of my life hiding from, but a good part of my life needing. Newer relationships and older relationships-all coming full circle to a wonderful and fulfilling place. Because of them. Because of me.

In the last couple of years I feel like I am coming home in a lot of ways.

And it feels so damn good.

But I am exhausted and I want to sleep. Growing (and watching other grow) is very, very tiring.

When the Heart Wants

There is a blog I have been following lately that contains an element that is familiar to me. And makes me sad. And gets me thinking.

The girl writing the blog desperately wants a family and a husband and a baby-but for some reason she seems to not think this is within her short term reach.

In her blog you can taste her sadness, the disappointment, her fear and her heartaches. Even her bitterness too. It clouds her passion.

What I do relate to so completely though is her sense of urgency and desperation. It is so unbelievably difficult to accept something where you feel you have no control over. To want something that you feel you are entitled to, and want so badly. And not material things...but more of life really.

To find peace with not getting what your heart desires.

It brings us all to our knees really doesn’t it? For those who believe in a higher power I would imagine there is peace in knowing He planned something else for You. Or is there? For those of us not as believing…sometimes this lack of not getting what we feel we truly want and need can feel like life just plain sucks sometimes.

Hopefully in both scenarios somehow the person manages to make

lemonade out of lemons; certainly the strong ones and the good ones do. They most powerful turn it into something beautiful I am certain.

But is Peace ever really found? Is it?

Sometimes I get the sense the world is filled with people walking around with masks of happiness where beneath there are piles of pain. Convincing themselves they are ok where really a part of them will always be broken and lost.

My friend who lost her beautiful husband tragically to brain cancer a few months ago –will she ever really feel like she was dealt a fair hand?  Will she ever be able to spin it around for real?

And people whose child goes missing? How do you ever deal with that? How is that humanly possible?

And the sweet blog woman who wants a husband holding her and a baby in her arms..If she does not get it..why the hell not? She needs that. She needs them. Why do I get three babies and she gets none? How is that even fair or right?

I hope for them they somehow find a way to get what they feel they need .

And I hope for me that as I navigate life and all of its paths and obstacles full of both getting what I need and want and not getting other parts….that I will somehow find peace with various outcomes. And not just have to accept second best, or convince myself that the outcome was meant for my path…but truly feel real peace even when my heart is wanting more.

As I read that blog today…I felt the desperation and pain of someone wanting-who has been told (or convinced) that may not have.

I felt very naive and innocent and questioned, as I often do, why bad things often happen to good people.

 

Bad News

She calls me in the tiniest of voices.  At work.

“Mom I have bad news..” and her voice breaks and I hear the tiniest of sobs.

A failed exam?  Parents of her friend getting divorced? What harm could have come to my little daughter during the day that she would be sounding so broken about?

She says:

”Enzyme died”

The beloved dog she grew up with a good chunk of her life. Belonging to her Dad’s sister whom we shared a cottage with for years . What she considers her beloved dog.

But wait! How can this be that she knows? Her Dad and I only found out yesterday and carefully chose tonight to tell the kids since last night was too hectic and busy for such fragile news.

“How Beauty did you know that?”

“Chase told me. He found out on Facebook”

And that is why my friends I hate Facebook. And Twitter. Call me old-fashioned. Call me old.

Facebook sucks.

God I love my daughter though. Honestly sometimes I think I dreamed her to life. In her most vulnerable and sad moments……when she allows us in the way she did today……it touches me to no end.