Dirty Laundry and Peace

I find there is something very peaceful in giving up.

And I don’t mean the fake giving up where you pretend you give up but really you go around with a whole lot of anger and resentment about the issue. I am talking about the kind of giving up that brings you peace even though you had originally thought that might never be possible.

 And when I say giving up I am not talking about the kind of giving up that gives up on an entire person. Or entirely for that matter. I am talking about giving up on elements that as hard as you have possibly and humanly tried to make a difference on…you have been unable to.

So in a way it is failing I am talking about.

In a way it is accepting that you have lost something that you really wanted to win.

In a sense it is giving up something that you know you really need, as I spoke about the other day in my post about the heart wanting.

Accepting..defeat really. And possibly plenty of heartaches.

But paradoxically also buying peace. And isn’t that what managing paradoxes successfully really comes down to anyways?

So in keeping my commitment in keeping this blog real..and not just rosy colored and shiny, today I will officially air my dirty laundry and I quite frankly don’t  care who reads it or does not (including my husband).

I have officially given up on an issue as a couple that we have together at home as part of our and dynamic and partnership together  (not to be aired specifically) and I hope to find great peace in this decision.

Because for many years now, I have screamed, I have been sad, I have stayed up at night and often cried, I have lots sleep, I have bitched and I have complained. In between a whole lot of happiness and love. Often very much around the same issue over and over and over and over again. And it never seems to change. And no..the assumption would be after 16 yrs of marriage we are talking about a lack of sex maybe? Nope. We are not. Different obstacle. Different unbearable issue. Most things are rosy. Somethings are not. Life is hard. Marriage is tough.

And today I decided to just let it go.

To stop blaming him.

To start blaming myself.

And in blaming myself….at least I can control how I feel about that.

I choose peace.

I choose the path that I rarely prescribe but that many around me do very successfully.

Repression and/or giving up.

I have done it a few times in the last few years with other relationships when it comes to specific issues and it seems to work for me.

Why not apply it now to my most important relationship ever?

With the man and family I desperatly love and want to spend the rest of my days with.

So yes some dirty laundry for you all for today just so you know the grass is not always greener over where I live. Some days are lemony fresh and other days aren’t.

And my husband will just have to get used to the fact (which he graciously does since I talked about starting this blog) that our journey will be documented in respectful and considerate ways. We won't hide.

(And for those of you who know me well don’t expect me to talk about this in detail anytime really soon. It’s a big one for me. But I will I promise……as soon as I have it sorted out a bit more in my head).

I personally could never stand myself if I wrote a book or a blog on family unless the many facets of my own life were discussed and revealed. My own ups and my downs in this crazy yet beloved life.

And I don’t intend to read anyone else’s book or blog where their true selves are not shared. Thankfully for me- my favorite blogs don’t disappoint. Each morning I wake up to various posts on a slice of heaven or a bit of hell and I find that immensely enjoyable and comforting. Don’t  you?

Hopefully my dirty laundry today makes yours feel that much fresher tomorrow?

And don't worry I will be back to myself at one point soon. With maybe a bit more defeat and a bit more failure in my backpack-but maybe with a whole lot more peace too. sometimes I wonder what is heavier to carry.