What Will Replace Worry?

If you know me there are a few things you know for sure:

I plan a lot

I work a lot

I worry a lot

I love a lot

I deliver a lot

I constantly have major projects, or many, succeeding or failing somewhere

Anyone who knows me well knows that my brain never really shuts off any given minute of any given day or night. They all joke that I likely make about 10 cents an hour of salary since  my mind works 24 hrs a day. I wake up having solved big dilemmas; I seem to be connected to the collective unconscious. I take many physical mental breaks, but very few mental ones. Give me a problem and I will figure it out. It’s how I am wired.

Or so I thought.

One of my fundamental beliefs in life has been to ask for help when you need it. Especially from professionals and expert of mentors. It has been the cornerstone of any success I have had in my own life.

Being vulnerable and asking for help when needed. Lately I am even getting better at asking friends for help, which has been more of a struggle for me.

Thus why about ever 6 months I go to the psychologist I saw for a year at a particular difficult time for what he calls “a tune up”.

And man does he tune me up in an hour.

Behavioral Cognitive therapy. After being though many other different types and also counseling and studying on many other types-nothing in my books even comes close to the effectiveness of this method.

So as I sat there last night sharing some of my decisions that I had made on the park bench in front of the lake (some by the way are looking more impossible by the moment and are frustrating and bringing me to tears but I feel like I can’t back down).

Back to the point of the couch vs. the bench: There I am at the psychologist sharing about feeling finally believing that I can totally give up worrying about one of my kids because I am officially driving myself crazy and he says:

“Why do you think worrying about a problem helps a problem?”

What an excellent question!

I have never even considered a life without worry.

Worry and stress dictate action correct?

If I don’t worry about something, I won’t get the desired outcome right?

“Worrying is a bunch of wasted energy.”

How do I stop doctor?

“Just stop it and don’t worry anymore”

Just like the video Stop It!!! That I teach to our entire leadership organization and that my intention for years has been to write a book on one day called Stop It!!! (Don’t steal my title now I know it will sell!)

So I just need to stop worrying is that what I should do?

“Yes you should”

Well ok then. This sounds simple enough. I will stop worrying. About anything really.

Now keep in mind he explored why I think and believe worrying is necessary. This comes deeply rooted in early early childhood and into adolescence and into adulthood where I had one parent very very ill my entire life who at any moment I perceived could be dead at the end of a day. I felt my whole life that I am a pillar. I keep things standing up and upright. And worry helps me have this strength and capability to do so. So far it has worked well for me. I figured I kept him alive for more than 70 yrs….that’s a strong pillar isn’t it?

Apparently not anymore.
I loved a few things he said and I will remember then forever.

“Keep being the amazing parent you are-just be a different kind of parent to him now. He has to learn to worry too-just like you did, and have the chance to realize how useless it is on his own. He will share more with you, as you worry less about him, as he will understand that you can handle him sharing. It’s time to listen differently to him”.

Aww…music to my ears

 

So my question for myself now is “what will take the place of the worry”?

If I just STOP IT. What will I START?

Two Heads are Better than One

Ya things over the last few months are really shaping up for me and my Honey. Not that anything was ever wrong before but we are just getting really into the groove right now and really feeling good both alone and together it seems.

I think one day we will be good at the empty nest when it happens.

Meeting for drinks after work while the kids fend for themselves at home with homework, escaping for a 2 week holiday very soon and looking forward to every single minute together, committing to two 2hour walks per day on the gorgeous ocean, getting all excited about his new I-Pad and my new I-Phone that we will both be getting really soon.

Planning out exactly how we are going to buy something really big that is not even for sale (we already planned the celebration because we know we will make it happen) Join us for Martinis anyone???

Just finding ourselves in great routines of togetherness, aloness, parentness and partnerness. It is all making sense lately.

He is getting better at controlling the annoying habit that often takes over our lives and I am getting better at being less annoying in general.

We talk a lot, we cuddle more, and we are kinder to each other.We are more on the same cycle, have more of the same expectations.

I am damn proud we have been through 16 yrs. of marriage and still going strong. Many ups and downs and obstacles have come our way, but we pull through. We make it…we make it work. We stick together.

He will always be my partner in crime. People joke to me lately that if I want a baby I need to go to a sperm donor-but I realize that is impossible because I want his babies and no one else’s (and I am clearly not getting any nor do I truly want anymore of them in reality).

He is the most amazing father. And what I love best is that he grows into this role everyday. He becomes more amazing as their Dad and constantly adapts and changes to what they need and what he has to offer them. He is a work in progress and a fine peice of art.

This guy and I are as different as night and day in every single way but we both value and cherish the same things. Family, Career, Friendships.Cottage.

The way I can sum it up is that we have set each other up well in case something happens to each other. We go beyond each other. My priority is to make sure that with or without me he is more than ok. He does that same for me. We try to make sure there are plenty of people to love and who love us. That’s how much we love eachother.

These last few days I am fighting for this guy..fighting for his future and his dreams. Trying to help him achieve what is usually not possible. Trying to attack an opportunity from crazy and weird angles. Shhhh..we have a secret.

And it is working. Not because of me. Not because of him,. But because of both of us together. Exactly where we belong.

Brains and Bebe

It’s so weird that people around me just keep having babies! They won’t stop!!!

Babies-babies and babies. Seems to be the hot topic around me lately.

And it is funny because for years no one talked about them. I seemed to be the only one concerned with formula vs breast milk, and how many times my kids would wake up during the night, and if Maxi sold good quality baby clothes or not.

Now this is what I talk about pretty much most days of the week with most everyone I know.

Take for example my financial advisor who I went to high school with who is 42 yrs. old. He is having his first child in 3 weeks! Sitting there with him over lunch I realized we have shared so much (our childhoods, our teenage years, my financial portfolio) but he is having a new baby and I have a teenager and two tweens!

It’s amazing where life takes you.

And to look back and think about how you got there.

And to look at the direction and paths you have chosen.

I realized just the other day that I am 41 yrs. old and still have many many career years ahead of me. In about 5 yrs, travelling for my job won’t be an issue anymore or childcare while I am away. I had all 3 kids so young that really anything is possible now (or more accurately in about 5 yrs) for me career wise.

I compare myself to many people I know my age who’s career is now sort of pretty much over since they are just beginning to have babies. Mainly for women in these cases, there years with children up until the teens yrs. their career will be very limited in terms of what they can do, where they can travel, unless they have a spouse at home taking care of the children and managing the home.

So it’s a weird feeling to sit and talk about babies. In most ways I am so glad I had three and so glad that period of my life is over. In other ways I miss it-it’s a magical time of life and part of me grieves it too.

No exotic trip, no big purchase, no new school, new job, new computer or new Iphone 5 comes even a tad bit close to being as exciting a s a new baby being born and hearing about it as an audience. It’s as if when all your babies are born and healthy and partially grown up…what is left to really talk about exciting?

Many many many things I believe. And you probably do too. But I can bet my life that most those around you would rather see a new born picture than renovations of your new home.

That baby smell, that little body, those little gap sneakers have a way of just getting us at the core like nothing else does.

For me nothing even comes close to the excitement of a new life. Getting that call if it is a boy or a girl? What is her or his name? And imagine: I am not even a baby lover. Or a dog lover for that matter. Imagine the people who actually adore babies?

So it’s an interesting stage of life this is and one of wisdom and I am enjoying the ride of my forties very much so far in awe and wonder of a different kind. Trying to navigate and figure out:….if it is not the baby in my arms that will be exciting, if it will not be my low rise jeans, if it will not be my child’s first day of kindergarten, if it is not my girl being born after two boys, if it is not my cute flip-flops paired with a cute dress with a big belly and my doting husband admiring the life we have created together, or the excitement of my baby shower or my sweet wedding dress, or the tingling feeling of being kissed by  a new boy…

Then what exactly is it?

I am slowly but surely finding out and discovering what to get myself and others excited about.

And realizing that my intellect (to a certain degree) is what has been hiding out in the closet for a while. I have pulled part of it out and most of it out  often over  the years and used it frequently and lavishly….but there’s a whole lot more in there waiting to be accessed….and it is powerful.

So I think my intellect ,and not a baby….is what is going to take me places over the next two decades.

And I intend to make this very, very exciting. And talk about a whole lot of babies along the way.

Because the sweetest part of life has always been, is, and always will be having had those babies . It will define me-and my couple-and the family we have created beyond anything and everything  that has come along the way. It belongs to us and makes us who we are. My husband and discussed last night that nothing has ever made us prouder than being parents to those three miracles. They are by far our biggest accomplishment.

And now it’s time to even it all out, with a cherry on top and a whole lot of fudge sauce.... with a bit and a  whole lot of intellect.

Just for fun.

(Bring on the glasses baby and a nice tight bun for my hair).

Decision Day:

There’s a bench by the Lake near where I live near a beautiful park and overlooking some gorgeous historical sites. When my Dad died we almost named a park bench after him…but decided to do things differently in the end.

I associate these lake benches with my Dad (the good parts), my childhood, God and prayer in many ways. When I sit on them and look out to the lake….all that is good comes to me. I often sit there and make big decisions or wish for things or think of important things. I guess it is my form of praying..although the person who I believe in charge ultimately…is me. So praying to me.

So today Oct 22 was an important day on that bench. I made 4 big decisions in about 3 minutes. I can’t even believe that I dragged my ass out of bed super early this morning and walked my daughter to school to get to that bench after being at Laronde late last night for a Halloween celebration with a bunch of our friends and their kids.

Decisions: (when I publically acclaim something you can me sure I will follow through)

Number 1-My husband is getting that property to own that he wants to move his office into. That is certain and the deal will be sealed by December 31^st. He is so ready and deserving and we will make this happen for him. Watch out Buddy-here I come!

 

2-I am coming into full circle with one of my kids. Believing in him, his capability, letting my worry and anxiety go on many levels that I use an excuse for many other things in my life that need worrying about. My husband and I are deciding as of today that we are doing things differently. No more scapegoat. Things are changing around here. We are setting him free from our own limitations we have set for him that have nothing to do with reality, and he is more than ready and capable.

 3-I am going for it at work! Reaching for the high fruit in my present job over the next number of years and then planning ahead for after that and beyond. I am going for it-and going to bring my current job to a whole new level of passion, excitement and be doing some amazing things for the company I work for (and myself).

 4-I am going to keep secretly believing in my oldest brother, as hard as he is making that for me right now. I am going to keep having faith that he is going to put things back on track. I still believe.

So there it is people!

And along with this I am more mindful also because of Sister Savvy’s post this week. I am talking it all in and enjoying the constant beauty surrounding me.

And along with that putting up with the crap and forgiving myself for all the naughty things I do and the bad decisions I make (aka: screaming many many times this weekend "shut up" to the kids in loud and angry tones, thinking all my family are idiots in my head most of the weekend, going to Laronde right before final exams and my kids too dizzy to sleep, not being able not to burn a frozen pizza, and skipping my workout this morning at the gym because I am being "naughty" and enjoying the hell out of it.).

TGIF Continued

What do the following have in common?

Leaving a bit earlier from work

No clean up or chores

Stopping at the Dep for a treat, or a samosas in Beauty’s case at the dep, or a cupcake in my case

Not getting anything done on the "home domestic to do list" that you intended to do

Shutting the blackberry off or leaving it at the bottom of the purse

Chatting for an hour with one of your BFF’s on the phone about nothing and everything both wrapped up in our individual homes in big blankets

Deli chicken wings and frozen fries for dinner

Watching Survivor and eating at the coffee table

No homework

Writing a blog in a relaxing way

The kids having enough time to prepare a haunted house all together without us telling them to hurry up and get to bed.

Friday Nights. Love them. Always have and always will.

A colleague of mine reminded me recently of how much emphasis I used to put on them when the kids were growing up. Pizza and a movie every single Friday night….a great family ritual.

Then they got a bit older. And more friends were involved..And they started to be invited for pizza and a movie at the neighbors…and then we would go up to to the cottage on Friday nights early more and more often...

And somewhere along the way we had about 5 yrs. of Fridayless nights LSomehow we started worrying about our kids and their friendships and starting encouraging them to be out instead of in..where ultimately they belong. With us if they wanted to be. We let them down for half a decade....

And then he reminded me of that tradition, that Swiss colleague and commanded me to bring it back. And so I listened to him as I so often do and I did. I welcomed them back into that special Friday night tradition.

So now our Friday nights are for anyone who is home. You can come. You can bring a friend. You can be here. Or not be here. Sometimes we are just Hubby and I and sometimes we are all 5 and sometimes we are us with 8 kids bc each has a friend. Sometimes we leave for the cottage at 9pm and sometimes we indulge in it and don’t.

But you can count on a treat, a cuddle, a haunted house, some trumpet practicing in your ear, no blackberries, some yummy food, some caffeine free diet cokes, a good well deserved martini and a whole lot of people falling asleep on the couch together after a busy week.

Happily Spent is what comes to mind

I always, always want my kids, my teens and my one day young women and men big kids to know that Friday nights we always want them with us. And when we are really old our grandchildtren too. I have no intention of letting my kids move anywhere out of my neighborhood ever. Harvard?? No way! Pizza night remember ? (funny thing is I am totally serious)

They are always WELCOME. And should feel no guilt if they are not here either. Friday nights are full of choice.

And they will always have somewhere to hang out.

With us. Just like Halloween. Just like Valentine’s day. We share our holidays with our kids.

We may not be the coolest friends ever, but we love them more than any friend ever will. These years are so ultimately precious.

I am glad I stole back Friday nights. Gotta go eat some chicken wings, pumpkin cookies, fries And Halloween special of Jesse. After that I have a date to fall asleep on the couch with my boy and my girl and my girl’s adorable friend with her new braces and glasses. And then be woken up by my teen at 10pm to go in the car, pick him up from his friend’s house, and pray I don’t have to go in to meet the Mom since I will most definitely be in my Pajamas!

One of those weeks....

TGIF ( aka: thank God it's Friday)

Some Innocent Wisdom:

“This too shall pass” Who said this wise thing?

I did when I was about 26 yrs old and was talking to my husband’s sister about her two teenage boys and  who was struggling  with their high school marks, and studies and teenage issues.

I looked at her straight in the face and told her it would all turn out just fine.

I was 25 and was pregnant with my first son at the time. The innocence of ignorant bliss!

To actually think that changing diapers and breastfeeding was even an ounce as difficult as the bigger issues that  would lay ahead. Physically, baby stage much harder but emotionally…not even close. Both distinct periods with distinct challenges. Lucky us to get to experience both if you look at it positively.

But I knew back then what I should know now. It’s all just a phase. The days are long but the years are short. Blink your eyes twice and they will be finished college and married (you hope and pray).

So I remind myself of that bit of wisdom I so graciously provided..that my sister in law to this day many many years later repeats back to me and reminds me that I said that.

And I close my eyes shut, and unclench my fists just long enough to ponder if I want these phases to pass by as quickly as possibly because of how hard they are..or if I want to bask in every hard but delicious moment before I am an empty nester wishing these moments back again.

And I find myself praying a lot lately even though I am not really religious,and don’t really know exactly what I am seeking exactly either.

Teenage years are hard. And blissful too.
(maybe they are making me crazy)?