Mommy of Mine

 

The 41 Splendid Truths I learned from my Mom as a child: Of course some I listen to even now and some I don’t but they are engrained in me forever

1-Life is for enjoying

2-Even if you don’t have a lot of money use it to travel, eat well, enjoy and spend time together

3-It takes an army to make spaghetti

4-The best way to love a girl is to love her fully and forever

5-Always sign your cards “Forever and a Day” when you really mean it

6-Always wrap your gifts beautifully and buy beautiful cards with meaning

7-Always have a little chocolate bar or sweet hidden up somewhere high

8-The best mother daughter talks happen in bed cuddling next to each other

9-You are beautiful, special, talented and capable

10-You can be and think any way you want

11-Teasing is fun and not mean

12- Sunday night movies at home are every bit as fun as movies at the cinema

13-You are connected to the collective unconscious

14-You can handle whatever life throws at you

15-You will marry a beautiful man and have beautiful babies

16-You can handle a lot of pain and still be the sunshine

17- Brown lipstick always looks good

18-Always reapply lipstick after lunch

19-Wear sunscreen always on your face

20-Wear shoes that are comfortable

21- Don’t let a man define you

22-No use to try new food-peanut butter will sustain you

23-There is a big difference between chicken and turkey

24-When you love something be really good to it

25-Enjoy life and have fun

26-Have a positive image of your body

27-Feedback is good. Take it and reflect and change if you want to.

28-Be honest with your feelings

29-Get mad if you need to

30-Don’t depend on others for play or happiness-entertain yourself

31-You are never too old for a  good tuck in

32-Life is long

33-I won’t feel sorry for you but I will always believe in you

34-Chenoys cherry coke is yummy

35-You can tell me anything even if you have sex 2 months before the age I said you were allowed. I am here for you

36-I believe in your infinite potential my girl

37- I highly value your advice

38-Eventhough you think you can’t save me in a war, a battle, a fire or an emergency I can save both you and I so don’t worry

39-It’s never too late to get great at hugs

40-I am not willing to search the streets of South East Asia because of some criminal Olympic Wrestler. That’s my hard limit in life

41-You have given me so much joy as a daughter and taught you many aspects of the mother you are now to your three children

(One for good luck!!! Tofu is really gross in a bottle Mom under all circumstances)

 

 

Choosing Connection (or disconnnection)

Somehow I am not sure how popular this particular blog will be. Might be controversial but hey it’s mine so I chose right? 

I have a theory about marriage, and friendships and parenthood and really any type of close relationship and it goes something like this:

Relationships are tough. You have to choose them and do the work. Connecting, although amazing on many levels, is also hard on many others and requires effort, thought and deliberateness.

I think we make a choice when we love somebody and it is not enough to think about love. We need to show love.

Take this two week amazing vacation at the beach. I love it soooooo much, but it is also tough in some ways (yes here is becomes controversial..poor little rich girl right?)

I love being here with Hubby but it’s also hard to be away from home, my work, the kids and my routine. We both only allow ourselves to connect with our family and friends( kids included) after 7 days of utter couplehood. Why? Because we know that is what we need to focus on each other, to love each other, to be fully present for each other.

We have put this deliberate time aside for each other since our first child was 1 yrs old. A week away, a few weekends here and there, always and always. Mostly because we love it, partially because we need it and thirdly because we know with every fibre in our being that a relationship needs nurturing and this is the way for us. The great escape.

So poor poor us I know at this beautiful turquoise ocean. How pitiful to be here childless for 13 days right? But part of it actually is very hard. Hard to make the time, hard to delegate the kids, hard not to worry about them. Hard not to be on IPhone and checking email. Hard to be just two of us for so long when I am surrounded by hundreds of people each day and need that stimulation like some need oxygen.

BUT…I love it. So does my husband. And we need it and we require it to be successful as a married couple. We commit to this and we reap the benefits and make the sacrifices both at once.

In the same way that when we are with our kids we try as hard as we can to not be working too often. Or when working not texting or on the phone with kids. Or when I am with a girlfriend or my Mom, not texting or talking with my husband. To be present as much as I can, unless there is a very specific reason to not be…in the moment I am in. To choose to be connected and disconnected as tempting as it can be not to do this.

I think for me the biggest observation I have made about couples who have new babies is how they react to those babies. For me this is often the make or break and often determines in my book if their relationship will make it or not. Does the baby become the center of the universe and the couple the second priority? Does the baby take over the bed? Is there space made for regular naps and consistent bedtimes so that the couple has quality time for each other? If not…….I thinks it is a big red flag and a trap many couples fall into.

I think we need to FORCE ourselves as hard as that often is to make our married life a top priority. Often. Always. From the get go and not when that baby turns five years old as it will be too late by then sadly.

Marriage is the foundation of the family I believe and a good foundation needs some serious tending too. It needs to be built, and kept and cleaned and renovated. It houses our family….shouldn’t it be important?

So I have been watching couples here many of them newlywed and many of them I feel are off to a really bad start. If you can’t make eye contact on your honeymoon and feel the need to go on your blackberries all day where will you be in 20 yrs.?

If you are with your kids and can’t let them stay with Grandma at the hotel for a nap while you enjoy the beach what does that say about your marriage and the importance you place on your spouse?

And then you have the newlyweds who you can tell are connected. They are playful, and present and into each other and holding hands.

You have the new parents with the new babies who eagerly run to the beach during the kid’s naps and indulge and love that time together. They may miss or worry about the kids but never at the expense of their marriages and couple hoods. Not ever. Not only do they want to be good parents to their kids…they want to give their children good role models of marriage. And often that value above anything else will come first for those who mean it.

So this week was a great one without being connected back home. It was hard in some ways and against my nature but that is the point isn’t it? It gave us plenty of time to get to know each other all over again, and eat together and cuddle, and walk on the beach and talk about the next decade. It gave us time to be intimate and playful and cry a bit about what was bothering us. It gave us time to make things better and to be there for each other. To tell silly jokes and try to make eachother jealous and see who gets picked up at the bar more often. Time to comunicatiate and worry, share and be there for the moments in between. Time to miss our kids too. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and it’s a two way street! Let them miss you a bit already!

And you can bet when tonight I was “allowed” emailing them…I was soooooooo happy. And tomorrow Facetiming them yahoo!!!!!! It takes every fibre of my being not to that first week or to check my work emails….but it’s a long term investments into the best stock I could dream of: US.

So I am certainly not asking you to feel sorry for me here childless on the beach…but please do feel proud of me if you can? Because achieving work life balance and focusing on our marriage is as deliberate as it gets. And these trips….as beautiful as they are…are never practical or easy. They are work, time and money and as much as they are play, and worth every single second of planning, missing and being away. But don’t doubt for a minute that this is not deliberate and goes well beyond a trip in and of itself.

And our kids know that we are away….and not connected to them right now..because we are focusing on each other. And working on those foundations that are so important to all of our well beings. And we have taught them an important lesson-that there is life beyond them and in this lesson they find peace and safety knowing that their parents truly not only love but commit to each other. Love in Action.

Here on the beach. In the sun. And in the rain.The two of us. Where we first learned and now hold that weather truly does not matter anymore.

That Dance

As I sit here right now…the waves our rolling in the ocean…finally beautiful soft wind wound down. Beautiful rainbows were seen, sun was felt, rain was had, and water swam in. Smiles. Relaxation fully underway now.

Most importantly is what I am watching from my balcony tonight. A private wedding..strangers. A beautiful young bride and her dashing and handsome new husband.

No matter who the people are, where they are from, where they come from, how much inconvenience they cause me (Jacuzzi now not only broken but closed)…I always cry at the weddings.

And never for the bride and groom.

But always for their parents. Always. Whether the parents are still married, divorced, there, absent…my heart swells for them.

The mother son dance and the father daughter dance are the most important things in my book. It is a parents farewell to their baby..their last dance.  A gentle push and lovely reminder into their new life. And it never stops getting to me as much as I try to hold back. It reminds me of parents bringing home their babies from the hospital and staring it amazement at them at home..weddings bring those same looks from Moms and Dads….their babies grown up? How could that be?

As I listen now to the song the groom chose to dance to with his Mom….I miss my sons. The song of gratitude, of thankfulness of pure love as he holds his little Mom in his big arms twirling her around the dance floor and her leaning her head on his shoulder. He will love his wife, but if she has been good, he will likely always love his Mom just a little tiny bit more. And that is the way it ought to be right?

That lady who worried about him, and loved him, and cuddled him, and defended him, and cheered for him, and caught his tears and taught him.

And the bride….so lovely. Her dress may have been the prettiest I ever did see and I told her so. Both her Dad and StepDad proudly by her side both adoring her.
 I picture my Protector, her Protector..giving her away. Walking her down the aisle, loving her , cherishing her, soaking her in. Holding her super close and breathing her in for the last time. His Girl. I picture her beautiful, and graceful, and regal, and smiling, and lit up. I picture her saying “Daddy you are soooooo cute!” like she says almost every moment of everyday. As I think of her…I miss her so much eventhough I am loving our vacation.

And we will be happy to pay for it all because it is our day as much as it is hers or his. It’s a celebration of everything we worked so hard for, and worried about, and waited for, and prepared for. It’s our gift to them.

So maybe it will be as it is in my dreams, and maybe it won’t be..maybe it will be everything I dream of and maybe it won’t. But I know that it will be a meaningful day for the parents of the bride and groom. Their final farewell really to the little kids they raised and a hello to the lives those young adults will have ahead of them. I can picture it so clearly.

The wedding day is the trophy the parents get. A big important seal of recognition, beauty, completion and honor. Not many of those days come along in a lifetime for parents do they?

Weddings are one of the few things that can easily bring me to my knees. And if the bride or groom happen to belong to me….very, very quickly.

I love weddings.

Love is in the air tonight.

 

What does Your Luggage Say about You?

I have been analyzing this a bit lately.

Firstly because I hate packing so so much that it is almost scary how nasty I become. I find it quite paradoxical given that the reward of going on a trip is so satisfying why do I equate packing as so terrible?

Also people pack so differently and I think it says a lot about an individual. Take my friend for example who goes away for more than a week with her family of four and shares ONE suitcase and each get a corner to themselves!!!! And it got me thinking how is this possible to share a suitcase with your whole family?  

But is says a lot about her personality..whatever she forgets she would just go out and buy-no big deal-would not faze her in the least. And she would be very practical too…and manage with interchanging a few of her fave outfits and still manage to look awesome each day. I don’t think she would fret about packing in the least. Only time I saw her worry was when she recently realized in the stir fry line that she had forgotten her birthday cards at home……but that was just sweet. One can tell what is important to her (and I secretely thought this was very Canadian of her to care about the cards-yahoo!)

I on the other hand am a packing maniac. Not is terms of folding anything well or at all but in terms of bringing everything with me. I have back up plans to back up plans when you look at my luggage. Always a just in case stash of something. This trip I packed half of what I usually pack so I consider this to be excellent. So does my husband. I find this trip I am minimalistic.

But in analyzing my luggage you can tell a few important things about both my husband and I:

1-We are total hypochondriacs and possible drug addictsJ literally three massive Ziploc bags filled with medications and we are still missing lots of stuff that we feel we may need. We fill generic antibiotic prescriptions just in case..always..both of us. Very telling.

2-Our expectations are higher than what we can deliver. We think we will need to look better than we have effort for. I have lots of nice outfits, lots of jewelry, lots of nice shoes…so does Hubby but we don’t really feel like wearing them.

3-We always bring tennis clothes and rackets and balls but resent having to go play. After 3-4 hrs. walks per day we are dead and only seem to have energy to say we will play tennis tomorrow

4-We always bring a lot of stuff but never the right stuff. We always seem to be missing something critical. I.e.: a nightlight.

5-We are messy. Correction: I am messy. I can bring a 500$ dress and throw it in a little ball. The story of my life. What can I say.

6-We focus lots on leisure. I have a whole suitcase full of books, laptops, movies, fun things. We love our leisure. We always make room for it in our lives and in our suitcases. Good for us!

7-We always come prepared and armed. Band-Aids, extra pair of pants for the plane eventhough it hasn’t happened recently that I have peed mine or him his, extra shampoo in case we don’t like the smell of the one at hotel, Ziploc of Halloween candies stolen from kids, list of when TV shows come on each nights, plastic martini glasses for the beach, 15 bottles of sunscreen which we use every inch of, masks in case too light out in morning, and copy of itinerary in case we forget where we are after the sixth year in a row.

Oh ya and my husband packs tampons for me eventhough I just finished my period..just in case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways…I think our suitcases tell a lot about our lives and although I love this plan b part of myself I am also looking to lighten my load over the next year (possibly) and maybe could start with my luggage. First thing in order will be to devise a packing list that we use each time we go away. I wanted to do this for years but seems to the only time I have is on vacation and I refuse to use even one single minute on such an annoying task.

Secondly will be to get drunk or highly medicate myself each time I pack so I can ease up a bit. Or hire a servant to do it for me. Or make my husband do it but then I am guaranteed to have lots of meds and no clothes for the duration of the trip.

So next time you go away take a look at your mood and your suitcase..and let it give you important clues to who you are and who you are not. Not sure I am aiming for a quarter suitcase anywhere in the near future, but I may be looking to leave some ColdFX at home and take the big risk of catching a cold here and there on my travels. Planning for plan b and c seems to be taking up too much of my brain and might be aiming for a downgrade in the near future. May stick a few oranges in my bag instead and depend on that vitamin C to do the job.

We shall see. For now going to cozy up with my man under the throw cover I brought from home outside with our new IPad, speakers and our 4 pair of earphones just in case they break during a good scene.

Goodnight Guys!

Little Veterinarian

As we left for this trip our girl cried…a lot.

Over the last year or two whenever we are separated from her she seems to be heartbroken and cries from the very bottom of her little soul.As sad as it is for us to see her this way it is also the sweetest thing ever.

She is so sweet and today I had so many thoughts about her and so much gratitude:

For the way I asked her if she would do a Christmas list and she said “I did-it says Rabbit” Awww sweetie..I really don’t want a smelly rabbit I am so sorry!!!

And for the way she changes her earrings so often now all by herself. We could both look at her all day long.

For the way she is so creative and so artsy and so competent. For the ways she never gets bored and always finds something to do.

For the little pad we have between us on the counter at Trent. Where she and I write little notes back and forth in the Paul Frank container.

For the way that sometimes she lets us sleep in and makes her own toast in the morning.

For her AMAZING kisses and hugs. Seriously the best ever.

For the way her Dad is her hero. She loves him more than life itself and she tries to make it fair to me too. But he is her hero and he should be.

And for the way her heart breaks for us when we go although she knows we will come back soon to her. She cries but understands how important this time alone is for us. She gets it and respects it.

I love that she has not committed us for not buying a future veterinarian a pet. Even a fish. Or a rabbit. One day ok????!!! Thanks for forgiving us Beauty! We will get our act together one day soon on this. Just not on Christmas.

And for the girl she has always been and the little woman she is becoming.

I love how each moment we willingly and deliberately get closer and closer.

I am excited for all the places we will go together.

Goodnight my beautiful girl. I love you forever and a day and so does Daddy.

Can’t wait to go to JB together and your party soon! Hope there were no boys at the sleepover!!!! Wink-winkJ))

 

Facetime next week-yahooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Maybe I am Grapefruit?

Day 2.5 of vacation and although the weather has definitely not improved at least my health has as of mid-day today. Therefore my mood has too and so despite not being able to enjoy the ocean and pool and outside much (yet!) we had a really nice day and I am starting to really relax. My husband is very shocked that I have not screamed yet at the hotel for the fact that their Jacuzzi is broken.

I love having the time to just sleep and chat and especially read. We talk about so much and make so many important decisions while we are here (you know earth shattering decisions about Christmas stockings and transferring videos to DVD’s-you get the jist..).

I have realized I am not much of a vacation writer though. I really can’t stand writing much about vacation and what I do in a day. I find it boring. Boring to read and boring to write. I had to force myself to do it while on Bear’s vacation and I am glad I did because of all the memories but most of my blogs from here won’t be about the beach but about life which is what I prefer writing about most days of the week no matter where I happen to be.

So today I started realizing something important that I have had a hard time admitting to myself in the last year:

I am changing.

Maybe it is juts mid-life crisis or maybe just turning forty does that to you? Maybe it is having teens? I don’t know but I know I am changing and so are my interests and it is both terrifying and intriguing at the same time.

I always thought I was mint body wash. I always hoped to be a bit more strawberry. Now I am realizing that as of late I might be neither-I might just be grapefruit. I might not even like mint as much, or want to be strawberry anymore. My gosh….this is a harsh reality.

I find myself lately not automatically enjoying as much all of the things that have defined me for a lifetime. At the beginning I often assumed I must be depressed as why would I not like reading as much as I did before or having a big girls weekend with a group of buddies? What could possibly be wrong with my brain if I did not enjoy sleeping in until 10am anymore on a Saturday? Or having a day of nothingness with my honey planned? And the phone…how could I not really like talking on it much anymore? Same with some foods I always loved…….not tempted by Halloween candy or caramel? This must be a depression.

But I realized that it is not. Not at all. I am changing and so am my interests and needs and I have no clue in the least what my new interests, needs and desires are. Nor do I have any clue of how to discover them.

Often I have random thoughts like “would be so cool to be an expert bread or pizza maker!” But wait I hate cooking!

Or I bet I would love to take pictures of birds! But wait I hate birds.

Or would be cool to explore Montreal and the city on a summer day! But wait I love to be in the country on my boat in summer.

Or maybe I don't love the beach or sailing as much anymore? But wait have I totally lost my mind?

It’s funny now I am the one begging my girlfriends to come out for a long walks at the cottage instead of a long chat on the couch. Have I lost it?

It’s confusing, and terrifying and annoying. I am changing.

Some things never change, things like reading and spas, and walks, and chatting with Mom and girlfriends, but the way I do them, or the amount of pleasure I get from them, or my perceptions of them have shifted. My expectations are different too. I expect so much less of people around me lately…it makes me sad and proud at the same time. The less you expect the more people sometimes slip away…it breaks my heart.

I am not jealous in the least either. I realized this the other day when Hubby’s secretary told me that if they move officers she wants my Husband to buy his boat back so they can go on boats rides at lunch together. And I agreed  and truly believe that this was a lovely idea.

Where did I go?????

So it’s all a bit unnerving I think. Makes me uncomfortable and feels like I am missing somewhere. I think a lot has to do with age.By 11pm all I feel like doing is often going to bed no matter if I am working, partying or watching my favorite TV show. It’s an adjustment that is certain.

So while part of me misses the girl I knew I always was and could count on…part of me on this vacation is also getting a bit fascinated with the idea of who the women in me is to waiting to be uncovered. Literally perhaps??? I feel more content overall than I have in years on many levels. I also have loads more unclarity than I is used to.

Teacher of Beauty…could this be living in ambiguity? Am I there yet? Do I get a 3?

Do I even like it in this wierd place?

So as I finish my third book in 2.5 days (bad weather has that effect)….I embark on my next Happiness Project which I think will be a whole lot different than last year. Quite fitting given that the book I am reading is Happiness at Home which is Part 2 of Reuben’s first book that I adored and shifted my life on many deliberate levels.

I have had a few very strong mentors in my life and one of them wisely told me last year ”Tarina before you find yourself…you will lose yourself. Before you fully and utterly succeed you must fail”

The other one told me “to ensure that I reach for the fruit that it highest if I really want to fully challenge myself and reach my highest potential”.

At the time, I had falsely assumed that I had found myself and I had reached close to my full potential. I am realizing now that both these wonderful and adoring men are precise, right on and know me better than I know myself.

It is all just beginning for me.Now.

This is phase 2 for me and it’s a whole lot different than phase 1. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel unsettled in lots of ways.

If you don’t love spas anymore what do you love? If you like walking every morning and don’t need to drag yourself out of bed each morning what will you complain about? If a day of reading on the couch in front of a fire is not your cup of tea anymore than what the hell is? If accepting your body as exactly as it is an flaunting it vs. wanting to lose 10 pounds that never seems to stay off is the new way of life then who the hell are you? If your hairdresser convinces you that highlights are getting expensive and to just go with plain brown tint with no blond and you agree where did you go? If falling asleep at 10:30pm and leaving your to do list unsettled doesn’t bother you what does? If your sweet brother not speaking to you still…doesn’t eat you up every day of the week..then what does? If your son failing 3 courses and seriously risking his stay at his elite school doesn’t faze you…WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? If you throw a rock in the ocean and can’t think of one single wish..(except for continued health and happiness for your family)…where is your drive and ambition? 

Have you started accepting things as they are?????? OMG.

Somehow….I know for sure……things are changing around here.

Maybe this is what peace feels like??????? Is that possible?

Thanks goodness I have my wonderful husband beside me, supporting me and adoring me from every angleJ Him and I? That won’t change. That’s one thing I am very, very sure of. We have made it this far……and we will make it further and further together and maybe in a different way than before. Maybe for him it will be like getting married again…to another me?