Day 2.5 of vacation and although the weather has definitely not improved at least my health has as of mid-day today. Therefore my mood has too and so despite not being able to enjoy the ocean and pool and outside much (yet!) we had a really nice day and I am starting to really relax. My husband is very shocked that I have not screamed yet at the hotel for the fact that their Jacuzzi is broken.
I love having the time to just sleep and chat and
especially read. We talk about so much and make so many important decisions
while we are here (you know earth shattering decisions about Christmas stockings
and transferring videos to DVD’s-you get the jist..).
I have realized I am not much of a vacation writer
though. I really can’t stand writing much about vacation and what I do in a
day. I find it boring. Boring to read and boring to write. I had to force myself to do it while on Bear’s vacation
and I am glad I did because of all the memories but most of my blogs from here won’t
be about the beach but about life which is what I prefer writing about most
days of the week no matter where I happen to be.
So today I started realizing something important that I
have had a hard time admitting to myself in the last year:
I am
changing.
Maybe it is juts mid-life crisis or maybe just turning
forty does that to you? Maybe it is having teens? I don’t know but I know I am
changing and so are my interests and it is both terrifying and intriguing at
the same time.
I always thought I was mint body wash. I always hoped to
be a bit more strawberry. Now I am realizing that as of late I might be
neither-I might just be grapefruit. I might not even like mint as much, or want
to be strawberry anymore. My gosh….this is a harsh reality.
I find myself lately not automatically enjoying as much
all of the things that have defined me for a lifetime. At the beginning I often
assumed I must be depressed as why would I not like reading as much as I did
before or having a big girls weekend with a group of buddies? What could
possibly be wrong with my brain if I did not enjoy sleeping in until 10am
anymore on a Saturday? Or having a day of nothingness with my honey planned?
And the phone…how could I not really like talking on it much anymore? Same with
some foods I always loved…….not tempted by Halloween candy or caramel? This
must be a depression.
But I realized that it is not. Not at all. I am changing and so am my interests and needs and I
have no clue in the least what my new interests, needs and desires are. Nor do
I have any clue of how to discover them.
Often I have random thoughts like “would be so cool to be
an expert bread or pizza maker!” But wait I hate cooking!
Or I bet I would love to take pictures of birds! But wait
I hate birds.
Or would be cool to explore Montreal and the city on a
summer day! But wait I love to be in the country on my boat in summer.
Or maybe I don't love the beach or sailing as much anymore? But wait have I totally lost my mind?
It’s funny now I am the one begging my girlfriends to come out for a long walks at the cottage instead of a long chat on the couch. Have I lost it?
It’s confusing, and terrifying and annoying. I am
changing.
Some things never change, things like reading and spas,
and walks, and chatting with Mom and girlfriends, but the way I do them, or the
amount of pleasure I get from them, or my perceptions of them have shifted. My expectations
are different too. I expect so much less of people around me lately…it makes me
sad and proud at the same time. The less you expect the more people sometimes
slip away…it breaks my heart.
I am not jealous in the least either. I realized this the
other day when Hubby’s secretary told me that if they move officers she wants
my Husband to buy his boat back so they can go on boats rides at lunch together.
And I agreed and truly believe that this was a lovely idea.
Where did I go?????
So it’s all a bit unnerving I think. Makes me
uncomfortable and feels like I am missing somewhere. I think a lot has to do
with age.By 11pm all I feel like doing is often going to bed no matter if I am
working, partying or watching my favorite TV show. It’s an adjustment that is
certain.
So while part of me misses the girl I knew I always was
and could count on…part of me on this vacation is also getting a bit fascinated
with the idea of who the women in me is to waiting to be uncovered. Literally
perhaps??? I feel more content overall than I have in years on many levels. I also
have loads more unclarity than I is used to.
Teacher of Beauty…could this be living in ambiguity? Am I
there yet? Do I get a 3?
Do I
even like it in this wierd place?
So as I finish my third book in 2.5 days (bad weather has
that effect)….I embark on my next Happiness Project which I think will be a
whole lot different than last year. Quite fitting given that the book I am
reading is Happiness at Home which is Part 2 of Reuben’s first book that I
adored and shifted my life on many deliberate levels.
I have had a few very strong mentors in my life and one
of them wisely told me last year ”Tarina before you find yourself…you will lose
yourself. Before you fully and utterly succeed you must fail”
The other one told me “to ensure that I reach for the
fruit that it highest if I really want to fully challenge myself and reach my
highest potential”.
At the time, I had falsely assumed that I had found
myself and I had reached close to my full potential. I am realizing now that
both these wonderful and adoring men are precise, right on and know me better than
I know myself.
It is all just beginning for me.Now.
This is phase 2 for me and it’s a whole lot different
than phase 1. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel unsettled in lots of ways.
If you don’t love spas anymore what do you love? If you
like walking every morning and don’t need to drag yourself out of bed each
morning what will you complain about? If a day of reading on the couch in front
of a fire is not your cup of tea anymore than what the hell is? If accepting
your body as exactly as it is an flaunting it vs. wanting to lose 10 pounds
that never seems to stay off is the new way of life then who the hell are you?
If your hairdresser convinces you that highlights are getting expensive and to just
go with plain brown tint with no blond and you agree where did you go? If
falling asleep at 10:30pm and leaving your to do list unsettled doesn’t bother
you what does? If your sweet brother not speaking to you still…doesn’t eat you
up every day of the week..then what does? If your son failing 3 courses and
seriously risking his stay at his elite school doesn’t faze you…WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO YOU? If you throw a rock in the ocean and can’t think of one single
wish..(except for continued health and happiness for your family)…where is your
drive and ambition?
Have you started accepting things as they are?????? OMG.
Somehow….I know for sure……things are changing around
here.
Maybe
this is what peace feels like??????? Is that possible?
Thanks goodness I have my wonderful husband beside me,
supporting me and adoring me from every angleJ Him and I? That won’t change. That’s one
thing I am very, very sure of. We have made it this far……and we will make it
further and further together and maybe in a different way than before. Maybe for him it will be like getting married again…to
another me?
