Somehow I am not sure how popular this particular blog
will be. Might be controversial but hey it’s mine so I chose right?
I have a theory about marriage, and friendships and
parenthood and really any type of close relationship and it goes something like
this:
Relationships are tough. You have to choose them and do
the work. Connecting, although amazing on many levels, is also hard on many
others and requires effort, thought and deliberateness.
I think we make a choice when we love somebody and it is
not enough to think about love. We need
to show love.
Take this two week amazing vacation at the beach. I love
it soooooo much, but it is also tough in some ways (yes here is becomes controversial..poor
little rich girl right?)
I love being here with Hubby but it’s also hard to be
away from home, my work, the kids and my routine. We both only allow ourselves to
connect with our family and friends( kids included) after 7 days of utter couplehood.
Why? Because we know that is what we need to focus on each other, to love each
other, to be fully present for each other.
We have put this deliberate time aside for each other
since our first child was 1 yrs old. A week away, a few weekends here and
there, always and always. Mostly because we love it, partially because we need
it and thirdly because we know with every fibre in our being that a relationship
needs nurturing and this is the way for us. The great escape.
So poor poor us I know at this beautiful turquoise ocean.
How pitiful to be here childless for 13 days right? But part of it actually is
very hard. Hard to make the time, hard to delegate the kids, hard not to worry
about them. Hard not to be on IPhone and checking email. Hard to be just two of
us for so long when I am surrounded by hundreds of people each day and need
that stimulation like some need oxygen.
BUT…I love it. So does my husband. And we need it and we
require it to be successful as a married couple. We commit to this and we reap
the benefits and make the sacrifices both at once.
In the same way that when we are with our kids we try as
hard as we can to not be working too often. Or when working not texting or on
the phone with kids. Or when I am with a girlfriend or my Mom, not texting or
talking with my husband. To be present as much as I can, unless there is a very
specific reason to not be…in the moment I am in. To choose to be connected and
disconnected as tempting as it can be not to do this.
I think for me the biggest observation I have made about
couples who have new babies is how they react to those babies. For me this is
often the make or break and often determines in my book if their relationship
will make it or not. Does the baby become the center of the universe and the
couple the second priority? Does the baby take over the bed? Is there space
made for regular naps and consistent bedtimes so that the couple has quality
time for each other? If not…….I thinks it is a big red flag and a trap many
couples fall into.
I think we need to FORCE ourselves as hard as that often
is to make our married life a top priority. Often. Always. From the get go and
not when that baby turns five years old as it will be too late by then sadly.
Marriage is the foundation of the family I believe and a
good foundation needs some serious tending too. It needs to be built, and kept
and cleaned and renovated. It houses our family….shouldn’t it be important?
So I have been watching couples here many of them newlywed
and many of them I feel are off to a really bad start. If you can’t make eye
contact on your honeymoon and feel the need to go on your blackberries all day
where will you be in 20 yrs.?
If you are with your kids and can’t let them stay with Grandma
at the hotel for a nap while you enjoy the beach what does that say about your
marriage and the importance you place on your spouse?
And then you have the newlyweds who you can tell are
connected. They are playful, and present and into each other and holding hands.
You have the new parents with the new babies who eagerly
run to the beach during the kid’s naps and indulge and love that time together.
They may miss or worry about the kids but never at the expense of their
marriages and couple hoods. Not ever. Not only do they want to be good parents
to their kids…they want to give their children good role models of marriage. And
often that value above anything else will come first for those who mean it.
So this week was a great one without being connected back
home. It was hard in some ways and against my nature but that is the point isn’t
it? It gave us plenty of time to get to know each other all over again, and eat
together and cuddle, and walk on the beach and talk about the next decade. It
gave us time to be intimate and playful and cry a bit about what was bothering
us. It gave us time to make things better and to be there for each other. To tell silly jokes and try to make eachother jealous and see who gets picked up at the bar more often. Time
to comunicatiate and worry, share and be there for the moments in between. Time to miss our kids too. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
and it’s a two way street! Let them miss you a bit already!
And you can bet when tonight I was “allowed” emailing
them…I was soooooooo happy. And tomorrow Facetiming them yahoo!!!!!! It takes
every fibre of my being not to that first week or to check my work emails….but
it’s a long term investments into the best stock I could dream of: US.
So I am certainly not asking you to feel sorry for me
here childless on the beach…but please do feel proud of me if you can? Because achieving
work life balance and focusing on our marriage is as deliberate as it gets. And
these trips….as beautiful as they are…are never practical or easy. They are
work, time and money and as much as they are play, and worth every single second of planning,
missing and being away. But don’t doubt for a minute that this is not
deliberate and goes well beyond a trip in and of itself.
And our kids know that we are away….and not connected to
them right now..because we are focusing on each other. And working on those
foundations that are so important to all of our well beings. And we have taught
them an important lesson-that there is life beyond them and in this lesson they
find peace and safety knowing that their parents truly not only love but commit
to each other. Love in Action.
Here on the beach. In the sun. And in the rain.The two of
us. Where we first learned and now hold that weather truly does not matter
anymore.
