A New Lens to Look Through

I know I read somewhere that the Chinese word for crisis is made up of two words: challenge and opportunity.

And as I get older and wiser and start looking through a different lens than I used to-I feel myself believing in this.

Mom..I have something very important to talk to you and Dad about…I need to talk to you. Can we make some time to go out for “coffee” the three of us?

Yes of course. At this point I am extremely impressed with my older son. Extremely. It felt like everything we have taught him about openness, communication, trusting us was finally seeping in.

Because we were away for 2 more days…we set a date for the day after we got back from travelling. We held our breathe and although very curious and a bit anxious about the news….we also did everything all the books taught us and just shut our mouths and carried on. No asking to speak prior, no probing. Nothing.

Mom and Dad…..I want to be tested for ADHD. I think I have it. Something has been wrong and it’s getting worse and worse. I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus when the teacher speaks. I can’t stop myself from bothering others in the class. I want to understand why….I want to focus and behave better…..I want help.

I expedited this process in a major way-encouraged and supported by my Soulkeeper. Many of my friends and contacts work in this area so lucky us. I paid private vs. public. I found a highly referred and qualified neuropsychologist who works at a well-known hospital in pediatric psychiatry. He is French too and was apparently extremely cool. Teenagers love him. 

Five hours of testing with Chase all the usual stuff. 2 hours of interviews with me. Speaking with my husband. 2.5 hours of surveys that Hubby and I filled in about the last 6 month, the last 6 years, and the last 15 yrs. Another counseling session with Chase to rule out other factors that could explain the dip in marks, behavior, focus. Drugs? Depression? Pressure? Behavioral? Another interview with us.

Then Wednesday night. The final outcome.

Everything points to the mixed diagnosis. ADD and ADHD. In addition certain left right brain weaknesses and visual- cognitive weaknesses that explain the struggles in math and science. Very definitive answers-the results are very clear cut and clear. Your son should be incredibly proud of himself for realizing he needs help and seeking it. It must have been a struggle so far for him and he has been extrmely resilient .Also for the amazing accomplishments he has of getting into such elite schools and sports program. This is amazing and he should be so proud of himself.

So many emotions and feelings. Shock, relief, guilt, sadness, anxiety. Pride was the biggest one. One of those moments where you are just so darn proud of your kid (and less proud of yourself as a parent) that is just bigger than you. It all starts to make sense, become clearer, my mind races over the last 15 yrs. and starts putting the puzzle together. The pieces of our lives, of his life, of our relationships together

Does your child fidget ever? Always.

Does he bite his fingernails? To the Core.

Does he talk in his sleep? Loudly and Always

Is his work messy and have spelling mistakes despite repeated warnings? Always

Does he interrupt at the dinner table? Always

Does he interject at inappropriate moments? Always

Does he demand attention at inappropriate times? Always

Does he get easily distracted from schoolwork? Very often

Can you easily have a serious discussion with him lasting more than 15 minutes? Never (unless I am reminding him every 1 minute to pay attention)

Does your child excel at things but lacks passion? Always

Does your child have a hard time with transition from one activity to another –Always but doesn’t every teenager?

500 other questions to which all the answers seemed to be yes. Sometimes one in a while- hardly ever extremely rarely.

How did I miss this? How is that possible? The guilt I feel right now… also the relief on some levels.

My tolerance level is very high for things. Very high. When I gave birth to chase he was 10 bls and was New Year’s Eve and so limited anesthesiologists. I got it one hour before only. I survived and hardly complained. Worst ranked episiotomy they had ever seen…made it through. I think I tolerate discomfort well. I always did and I always will. It tales ALOT to throw me over the edge. I think I live my life in a high tolerance mode. Growing up with a mentally ill parent can do that for you.

And HIM. He has been unbelievable. In the last two weeks from the moment he sent me that email asking if we could sit down and talk…he has changed in many ways. Matured. Opened up.Communicated.Trusted us fully. The last two weeks have been on some levels the best two weeks of my life. Even if that sounds crazy?

Why is that exactly?

I will tell you. It’s very simple:

I totally and honestly and fully believe in my son. I truly do. It’s not something I want to do anymore; it’s something that is real and there.I have done the work. He has done the work. We have arrived there together after so many obstacles. He and I have had our own story; it has always been ours.

Mommy and Dad. Thank you. For taking me there and taking care of me. For doing everything you did. Thank you for tonight.

Mommy I think there are two ways that people who get this kind of news react. Probably lots of people use it and an excuse right? Probably some people –like I think you would do Mom-handle it differently. They don’t use it as an excuse and they succeed. They do good-actually better than good. That’s going to be me.

And this is the part that makes me cry. Here .Now as I write this. I know 100% that is true. And that particular moment of that particular night I will remember forever. Because of anything I have done as a parent, to any of the kids, that was always the message about life; the message I have always wanted to have them get and me to hear.

And I heard it. And I fully believed him. And it felt amazing to hold this belief.

And I truly believe the Chinese when they mix crisis and opportunity because it’s always a bit of both isn’t it?  While part of me struggles with what my son has gone through for years left undiagnosed, and also what this will mean for his future-there is sadness and guilt.

Then there is the part of me that sits at my daughter’s bday dinner last night and looks at my family, the whole of it and feels so blessed. I look over at Chase and  for maybe the first time in 15 yrs. have truly seen a look of contentment on his face and a look of relaxation. Was it there before but I did not pick it up? Is it the placebo effect of him knowing he will get the help he will need and therefore it impacts already? Is it our mutual belief in each other?  Or is it simply that he is content that he is being validated for what he is dealing with? And for me too…a sense of validation is there in the air. Or is a mix of all of the above-a triump and a disappointment paradoxically in one breathe? Which is it?

And then the support from so many wise souls around me that are helping me make sense of all of this. I love the give and take of the freindships that I have. I liove being able to support them and them being able to support me. When we need eachother; for whatever that may be. I have great, great friends and I feel so lucky.

And a special mention for my Soul keeper today……as she said…like he was her own child in so many ways…..the way I felt when her daughter had surgery and was recovering. The sense of urgency for something that is not necessarily urgent but urgent to the person you care about.  Like the way I felt when she went through postpartum depression. I could not get her off my mind..nor did I want too. And her undying love for me and my family which is so much of a gift I cannot even describe the way it makes me feel. To know that if I need her, and before I need her, and until I need her again she is there for me. And the biggest gift of all is allowing myself to both receive and to give to her for her in equal and beautiful proportions. And to allow myself both this right and this wonderful and indulgent luxury. And for her to tell me that even if I try my utmost to push her away out of fear-that she will find me fast and bring me back. I love this kind of love. It  is making me a better person. A better Mom too. She is teaching me how to care in the best way possible

So yes I thoroughly believe that every obstacle is also a gift. I can see that certainly. and I can see that life is more complicated than I had initially thought it would be. And I feel honored and blessed to live in a constant state of flux and of paradoxical moments where you don't know if the outcomes or good or bad.

And your are ok with not knowing.

My baby is turning my Fave number 11!!!!

 

My smiling girl

 

Highlights of the week: birthday party with school friends at Cage Aux sports with sleepover with “the girls” (with an almost visit to hospital for broken-sprained wrist), lunch with Dad Calamari and macaroons, speaking 100% French rule, M&M machine, Chinese dinner with family and chocolate fondue, traditional pie in the face at surprising moment that could nbot happen bc she was sick:((, gifts from brothers, birthday basket., POC helmet already for ski competition on slopes this weekend, on the door surprise of massage apt on  today 5:15pm, Didi's special gift bag, godparents wonderful and abundant gifts, lots of loving msgs on the phone.

 

Not so great moments: having to almost go to hospital for broken or sprained wrist at your bday party with friends and being tummy sick on your family bday dinner and not eating much and not having a pie smashed in your face.

Will be good luck for the year..I am convinced!

PS-It’s funny-so many people I know with girls the same age as Beauty say they find their friends so catty and difficult at this age. I love her friends. Ten of her school friends came to party..”the girls” (she has always had this 5 girl clique for years now and this is how they refer to eachother-cute but a bit scary too!) and five others. Soooooooo sweet and nice and outgoing and confident and beautiful. Yes there is some disagreeing and normal girl stuff but just love this gang and this group in geeneral and have so much pleasure talking to them. I can honestly say that for me girl parties have been so much more fun than all the boy parties I have held over the years. These girls discuss EVERYTHING and tell me everything (except my own daughter of course!) At Cage it was like being with my husband and 11 women!

 

(dear Anonymous thanks for your comment (that came to email but not on blog?) and the new feeds-I will check out your blog ! Promise to get over this birthday stuff soon and make it more interesting for some of my new readers. You must be popular-my traffic went crazy today:)))

 

Music to my Ears…..

Today is someone’s birthday (post on that later tonight)…

And guess what?

As she left for school today she made a point of coming into the office-looked right into my eyes-gave me a warm and cuddly hug and said “thank you so much for all the beautiful gifts and everything for my bday”

It felt soooooo nice and soooo good.

I was so proud of her 

I fundamentally believe that we teach and train our kids, ourselves and the others around us important skills for what they need now and later in life. It takes a lot of work, maybe a few hurt feelings, a lot of consistency and a lot of energy. But is both our gift to ourselves and our gift especially to that child to take the time to teach them.

Yay Beauty! Good Job!!!

 

 

It’s My Pleasure

December is a very crazy time of year. For everybody for certain. I hypothesize even more for me.

And not in a bad way either..all things I have chosen by my own will so certainly nothing imposed on me, but just around crazy month.

I often feel myself wanting to cry in December from pure exhaustian.

At my place of work December-February and then fall within the top three busiest times of year for my areas so this in and of itself is just really busy.

Put in the fact that I have all family members’ bdays falling around X-mas (Dec 6, Dec 31, Jan 17, Feb 4) that’s a whole lot of bday dinners, birthday parties and gifts.

Note: this is a serious problem of being such a planner: Procreate and plan for a time when your husband  is more free to welcome a baby in our home: December or January. Get pregnancy on the first try each time. Plan worked. Yay. Downer is the actual dates of the birthdays which carry forever on. Clearly would not change a things as then I would have different kids!

Then add on that ski season is a big one in our house with a whole lot of hoopla and preparation and making sure everyone are on the right teams and completion and instructor programs and have the right suits and goggles and helmets etc…and they all grew this year a lot!!! A lot!!! All new stuff.

And then preparing the two houses for the winter season. With the goal of relaxing a lot by the fire. Right now feels like the chopping of the firewood won’t lead to any relaxation but I am sure I will feel differently in a month.

Oh ya and then Christmas and holidays. Forgot about that.

So all self-imposed-all good-all great-but just a bit chaotic at the moment like everyone else I know. Good problems to have right?

Add in there a few unexpected, time consuming mini crisis and you have yourself a whole lot of stress.

So what do you do with that stress?

That good stress?

What is the best way to handle it?

I did it differently this year. Each night after a long day of work..where I have a long list to look forward to of dinners to plan, and people to invite, and parties to prepare for , and gifts to buys, and gifts to wrap, and people to see, and dr appts to attend, and organizing to do... basides of course normal dialy life which never stops for chaos.

I take a deep breath and say to me “this is my pleasure”

And it works!

This is my pleasure to have the money to buy these gifts, to choose that perfect PJ set and slippersr for a daughter who will love them, it is my pleasure to have two beautiful homes to decorate with lights, it is my pleasure to be able to afford quick and fast private medical career that provide me answers quickly to dilemmas and puzzles. It’s a pleasure to be in a mall and have a a stress not having the time to chose the perfect gift for someone who loves me and whom I love.

It’s all a pleasure.

And an honor
And in the end it will all work out just perfectly.

So the trick is to stop and breathe, and do things more slowly and with pleasure, to enjoy the process and not just the outcome. To slow down and trust that it will all work out ok.

And to take the time to enjoy that sandwich at the food court, and the writing of that letter about to be sent off, to take the time to really read the cards being sent, and to choose with clarity what can and should be done on your to do list.

It’s to be more kind to ourselves. And more kind to others.

And to realize in no uncertain terms that we are blessed and need to be grateful to have the opportunities that we do in life and the chance to have a life to fill and complete. And to ensure that every gift we gift and each one we receive is given with pleasure and happiness. And if we don’t..to just not give that gift at all.

To make December less about the gifts we buy and more about the gifts we give from our hearts. The ones we give all year to the ones we love just because we love them and we like to see them happy by doing nice things.

So yes it is a pleasure these last couple of weeks to be me. Completely.

And I am proud of myself for not forgetting that this year.

PS-as I write this...Bear just started throwing up...and we have an important dr appt with Chase tonight that cannot be missed...and Bear is my sittter..and he is contagious and sick......it's a pleasure!!! Remember!!! Breathe!!

 

 

A Letter to Ground Me

Dear Anne,

In the last week as I zip through the mall in the evenings shopping for Christmas gifts and stocking stuffers…. I find myself thinking of you and your family.

There are certain things I love a lot about Christmas and certain things I like a lot less. On of the things that really do not sit well with me is all the emphasis we all (including me) put on gifts, and buying, and shopping and running around so much in preparation of what is supposed to be a wonderful event.

So while I was shopping, I realized that I need to focus more on what Christmas does mean to me versus what it does not mean to me.

Christmas for me is a time to reflect back on the year in many ways and really think about and take the time to remember what I have learnt, what I am grateful for and what I have been blessed with.

And you and your family came to mind. And I wanted to tell you why:

Over the last year I have learnt 5 very, very important lessons from you and I just wanted to share with you what they are:

1-I have learnt the extreme grace and incredible mothering skills a human being can possess even under the most difficult of circumstances.. I can truly say I have never met a person like you in my life yet who has impressed me to the level that you have. It started that day at the funeral when you spoke…and continues on and on. I am so happy to have met you Anne

2-You have taught me how the way we choose to be as parents is directly related to how our kids turn out. The more love and lessons we put into them..the more they become. From hearing your kids talk about you and Jim….clearly all three of your kids have turned out exceptionally. I am sure a good part of this is due to their amazing and devoted parents. It has taught me to focus on this and remember this for my own family.

3-This year I really started to believe in Heaven and I think a lot of that has to do with you all. What you shared with all of us as a family, the music, the experience both at the church and afterwards profoundly touched me. The way your kids talk about their Dad. I am glad to be able to share the belief in heaven with my kids now.

4-And my Dear….you taught me how critically important it is to keep my eyes open on really scary roller-coaster. And to laugh..while being rreally, really scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5-And I have learnt also that it is never too late to make a new friend.xox

I am wishing you and your beautiful three kids a relaxing holiday season Anne. I know it will be a tough one, I cannot even imagine……but I am also sure that that time off together must be very precious too.

I thought long and hard in terms of what I would like to offer you and your family as a Christmas gift , as I am not usually a gift giver , but I really want to show my support for you and the kids this year and so wanted to think of something special.

A photo shoot is what came to mind. I am pretty good with a camera and portrait photos. And have a few great cameras In the spring when ski season is over I can offer to come over and take some cool pics of you and the kid’s maybe? And we can frame some for your newly painted walls? If you want that is…but my present to you is the offer .

Thank you for sharing so much Anne and for teaching me lessons that will last a lifetime.

Stopping to write you your Christmas letter meant so much more to me than buying the boys underwear for their stockings (although I did get them some super cute boxers!)

With love,

Tarina

 

Christmas Cheer

They go Christmas and Birthday shopping for each other.

It’s pretty funny to watch: “I will buy you something for 20 dollars if you give me a gift card for 20$”

“I can’t afford 20$ all I have is 10$ I am broke!”

I have learnt enough from the 62 tween/ teen books I have read so far this year to stay out of it. Great experience for them to learn from.

At home we can hear the three of them talk and we are peeeing our pants laughing:

“Where should we hide the gifts?”

Chase” We can’t hide them in my room then they will be lost for sure”

Beauty” Same for me-lost if we hide them there”

Bear” We can hide them in my room-I won’t lose them”

Chase and Beauty “I think we should even hide your gifts in your closet too-if not there is no chance you will get them because they will be lost”

Bear: “Ok that is good. I won’t look at them. I will just shut my eyes when I go into the closet each day”

At least they know their strengths and weaknesses right!!!!

 

PS-And that same” organized no lose presents in closet guy” also said a beautiful grace last night for our first praying Sunday meal. He lit a candle had us bow our heads and said it as though he had ever attended church!!!

Wow! And I was very clear to the kids that when we say “Dear God” that that can mean anything they want. It can be God as others think, God as a loved one in Heaven, God as nature, God as power, God as a word that means gratitude etc..it can mean anything they want and we just use a common word.

Since writing this on blog I have had many  concerned comments that it is just plain weird to start praying on Sundays and believing in heaven and that it  might be negative for the kids. Agree weird yes. Agree bad for kids. No.

Believing takes on many forms…intellectually overnight did I start believing? If course not! Emotionally do I think a prayer of gratitude here and there and encouraging the concept of heaven to the family is possible? Yes I do.

I believe that you should believe what is right for you at that time of place in your life. I beleive we choose what bwe beleive and what we do not.

I will give it a little try and keep you posted.

Thanks for all your concern though seriously and for looking out for me!. Love discussing the topic of religion.

TV Pick for Tweens and Teens

 I Love watching the show Survivor as a family.I find it so thrilling, fun, and mostly educational.

That show is REAL life I am telling you and the kids just learn so much about relationships, team, integrity, lack of it, winning, losing and the choices we need to make to get ahead in life, or to be fair, or to stick by our values etc…

I love that they see what a player does to a group,. And what others disrespect and respect. I love that they identify who are the people who will win “because of course everyone loves them” and who would get voted out at the end because “they suck and everyone hates them”

Welcome to the world of business my darlings. My life is Survivor most days of the week in many ways!

I always liked this show but watching it with the kids brings it to a whole new and exciting level. I have heard many disagree and say that kids should not watch it. I feel very differently. To me that is like telling kids who their friends should or should not be, or who they can or cannot talk to on Facebook in terms of kids their own age who might be good or bad influences. I think kids need to see the good and the bad, and be exposed to it. I think it makes them make very good decisions in life, decisions that they own based on their own experience and point of view. I don’t believe in sheltering kids especially after the age of 12yrs old.

I like shows that mirror life both in good and bad ways. I love it especially since we are there beside them and can discuss and discuss together.

We have already planned that over the X-mas holidays we are watching a 6 part series on the Holocaust another subject the kids are fascinated by and very appalled by so makes for great discussions.

Very uplifting holidays eh? What happened to Charlie Brown Christmas? No wonder our elf is named after a part of the penis!!! (sshhh!)

Bring it on! Did I mention how much I love having tweens and teens??????

I seriously hated Bambi, the Muppets and Barney. Caillou and Aladdin were pretty ok cool.

I am so excited to have three new “friends” in my life. Especially that unlike my husband they actually stay awake to watch movies with me.