I know I read somewhere that the Chinese word for crisis
is made up of two words: challenge and opportunity.
And as I get older and wiser and start looking through a
different lens than I used to-I feel myself believing in this.
Mom..I have something very important to talk to you and Dad
about…I need to talk to you. Can we make some time to go out for “coffee” the
three of us?
Yes of course. At this point I am extremely impressed
with my older son. Extremely. It felt like everything we have taught him about
openness, communication, trusting us was finally seeping in.
Because we were away for 2 more days…we set a date for
the day after we got back from travelling. We held our breathe and although
very curious and a bit anxious about the news….we also did everything all the
books taught us and just shut our mouths and carried on. No asking to speak
prior, no probing. Nothing.
Mom and Dad…..I want to be tested for ADHD. I think I have
it. Something has been wrong and it’s getting worse and worse. I can’t focus. I
can’t concentrate. I can’t focus when the teacher speaks. I can’t stop myself
from bothering others in the class. I want to understand why….I want to focus
and behave better…..I want help.
I expedited this process in a major way-encouraged and supported by my Soulkeeper. Many of my friends and contacts
work in this area so lucky us. I paid private vs. public. I found a highly
referred and qualified neuropsychologist who works at a well-known hospital in
pediatric psychiatry. He is French too and was apparently extremely cool. Teenagers
love him.
Five hours of testing with Chase all the usual stuff. 2
hours of interviews with me. Speaking with my husband. 2.5 hours of surveys
that Hubby and I filled in about the last 6 month, the last 6 years, and the
last 15 yrs. Another counseling session with Chase to rule out other
factors that could explain the dip in marks, behavior, focus. Drugs?
Depression? Pressure? Behavioral? Another interview with us.
Then Wednesday night. The final outcome.
Everything points to the mixed diagnosis. ADD and
ADHD. In addition certain left right brain weaknesses and visual- cognitive
weaknesses that explain the struggles in math and science. Very definitive
answers-the results are very clear cut and clear. Your son should be incredibly proud of himself for
realizing he needs help and seeking it. It must have been a struggle so far for him and he has been extrmely resilient .Also for the amazing accomplishments he
has of getting into such elite schools and sports program. This is amazing and
he should be so proud of himself.
So many emotions and feelings. Shock, relief, guilt,
sadness, anxiety. Pride was the biggest one. One of those moments where you are just so darn proud of
your kid (and less proud of yourself as a parent) that is just bigger than you. It all starts to make sense, become
clearer, my mind races over the last 15 yrs. and starts putting the puzzle
together. The pieces of our lives, of his life, of our relationships together
Does your child fidget ever? Always.
Does he bite his fingernails? To the Core.
Does he talk in his sleep? Loudly and Always
Is his work messy and have spelling mistakes
despite repeated warnings? Always
Does he interrupt at the dinner table? Always
Does he interject at inappropriate moments? Always
Does he demand attention at inappropriate times?
Always
Does he get easily distracted from schoolwork?
Very often
Can you easily have a serious discussion with him
lasting more than 15 minutes? Never (unless I am reminding him every 1 minute to
pay attention)
Does your child excel at things but lacks passion?
Always
Does your child have a hard time with transition
from one activity to another –Always but doesn’t every teenager?
500 other questions to which all the answers
seemed to be yes. Sometimes one in a while- hardly ever extremely rarely.
How did I miss this? How is that possible? The guilt I
feel right now… also the relief on some levels.
My tolerance level is very high for things. Very high.
When I gave birth to chase he was 10 bls and was New Year’s Eve and so limited anesthesiologists.
I got it one hour before only. I survived and hardly complained. Worst ranked
episiotomy they had ever seen…made it through. I think I tolerate discomfort
well. I always did and I always will. It tales ALOT to throw me over the edge. I think I live my life in a high tolerance mode. Growing up with a mentally ill parent can do that for you.
And HIM. He has been unbelievable. In the last two weeks
from the moment he sent me that email asking if we could sit down and talk…he
has changed in many ways. Matured. Opened up.Communicated.Trusted us fully. The
last two weeks have been on some levels the best two weeks of my life. Even if
that sounds crazy?
Why is that exactly?
I will tell you. It’s very simple:
I totally and honestly and fully believe in
my son. I truly do. It’s not something I want to do anymore; it’s something
that is real and there.I have done the work. He has done the work. We have
arrived there together after so many obstacles. He and I have had our own story; it has always been ours.
Mommy and Dad. Thank you. For taking me there and taking
care of me. For doing everything you did. Thank you for tonight.
Mommy I think there are two ways that people who get this
kind of news react. Probably lots of people use it and an excuse right?
Probably some people –like I think you would do Mom-handle it differently. They
don’t use it as an excuse and they succeed. They do good-actually better than
good. That’s going to be me.
And this is the part that makes me cry. Here .Now as I
write this. I know 100% that is true. And that particular moment of that
particular night I will remember forever. Because of anything I have done as a
parent, to any of the kids, that was always the message about life; the message
I have always wanted to have them get and me to hear.
And I heard it. And I fully believed him. And it felt
amazing to hold this belief.
And I truly believe the Chinese when they mix crisis and
opportunity because it’s always a bit of both isn’t it? While part of me struggles with what my son
has gone through for years left undiagnosed, and also what this will mean for
his future-there is sadness and guilt.
Then there is the part of me that sits at my daughter’s
bday dinner last night and looks at my family, the whole of it and feels so
blessed. I look over at Chase and for
maybe the first time in 15 yrs. have truly seen a look of contentment on his
face and a look of relaxation. Was it there before but I did not pick it up? Is
it the placebo effect of him knowing he will get the help he will need and therefore
it impacts already? Is it our mutual belief in each other? Or is it simply that he is content that he is
being validated for what he is dealing with? And for me too…a sense of
validation is there in the air. Or is a mix of all of the above-a triump and a disappointment paradoxically in one breathe? Which is it?
And then the support from so many wise souls around me
that are helping me make sense of all of this. I love the give and take of the
freindships that I have. I liove being able to support them and them being able to support me. When we need eachother; for whatever that may be. I have great, great friends and I feel so lucky.
And a special mention for my Soul keeper today……as she
said…like he was her own child in so many ways…..the way I felt when her
daughter had surgery and was recovering. The sense of urgency for something
that is not necessarily urgent but urgent to the person you care about. Like the way I felt when she went through
postpartum depression. I could not get her off my mind..nor did I want too. And
her undying love for me and my family which is so much of a gift I cannot even describe
the way it makes me feel. To know that if I need her, and before I need her,
and until I need her again she is there for me. And the biggest gift of all is
allowing myself to both receive and to give to her for her in equal and beautiful
proportions. And to allow myself both this right and this wonderful and indulgent
luxury. And for her to tell me that even if I try my utmost to push her away out of fear-that she will find me fast and bring me back. I love this kind of love. It is making me a better person. A better Mom too. She is teaching me how to care in the best way possible
So yes I thoroughly believe that every obstacle is also a
gift. I can see that certainly. and I can see that life is more complicated than I had initially thought it would be. And I feel honored and blessed to live in a constant state of flux and of paradoxical moments where you don't know if the outcomes or good or bad.
And your are ok with not knowing.
