I Love Having More than One Kid

Why you may ask??: Overall I love that THEY have a life together completely independent of their lives with US. They will always have each other and this below example this week just brings it home for me entirely.

Scene: Beauty tells her Dad and me at 9:30pm that her class has a “recompense” activity the next day and they are allowed to bring candy. She says-can we go to depanneur now? And when we say no it is way too late she literally and completely starts bawling like a 2 yr. old and having temper tantrum full force that lasts a long long time.

So: In our house this type of behavior is unacceptable and will get you nowhere. Once you choose to act this way all rational discussion are off the table and you are left on your own until you calm down. No solutions are provided, ideas etc... We are often very strict on this and although sometimes heart wrenching for us to enforce we are most often found sticking to our guns.

Then: Beauty goes up to bed and is stilly crying in her bed. Her Dad and I quickly align and decide that our daughter:

1-   needs to learn from this experience

2-   will not be going to the depanneur with us at 10pm tonight or 7am in morning

3-   That it needs to be reinforced that a lack of planning and having a childish out of control tantrum will not be encouraged and enabled

4-   All this results in no candy for Beauty unless she can find an old candy cane around the house somewhere

(This is where healthy living sucks for our kids. We only have treats at our cottage on weekends-there is not good stuff lying around ever Mon-Thursday)

Conclusion: So Mommy goes up to bed and uses Love and Logic approach and quietly holds crying child and rubs her backs and listens to her reasons about how life is terrible and how she only gets a recompense 3 times per year and life is unfair and how she tried to call me at work at 4pm but I had the audacity to be in a meeting and she did not feel like leaving a message and blah, blah blah..

I repeat “Ya it sucks..Ya it sucks many times over. I make my eyes look really empathetic. I fake appropriate sympathetic body language.

Then I tell her that the reason she has not candy and no solutions is that a) she was not organized and did not give this proper thought before 9:30pm when it was too late and b)-that her behavior and tantrum made it impossible to find solutions together that could work. Her crying blocked out possible negotiations, solutions and brainstorming (i.e.: her having a note to leave at lunch from school to store, her walking to school early in morning and getting candy, her calling a friend and buying some candy from them etc..)

So basically she went to bed totally sad, miserable and broken. I felt really really bad but also felt really good that I had been a good Mom instead of a good Friend to my daughter. Exactly the job I have been hired for. (did you know that I read a study last month that is a renowned Harvard study and clearly states that if before the age of 6yrs. kids are not given equal doses of nurturing/love and discipline /limit setting) that there is more than a 61% percent chance that as adolescents they will have a massive rebellious periods and as adults very likely deal with anxiety and lack of self-confidence!!) This is the third study I read on this subject of the importance of limit setting in kids this year! Enough to convince me to deny my kid candy while holding her close in my armsJ)))

Continued: I leave the room and she is pretty calm. I leave her in a state of  deep learning and thought

And then: Her oldest brother comes in the room and hands her over his Christmas bags of Skittles and Lifesavers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not just one pack-but three packs!!!! For free! No strings attached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He overheard the conversation (who could not at that level of volume!!) and he said his heart was breaking for her and that he just had to give her his Christmas Candy. All of it. It was a gift from the depths of his eternal heart.

And her little tiny face…had a little tiny smile that crept up every so daintily and replaced her frown and tears. I am not sure I have ever seen such love on her face (or on his). They literally leaned into each other’s arms and hugged and hugged and hugged for many moments as I watched and listened from outside of the door.

Never interfering. Or commenting. Because that is also my job as a Mother.To watch them unfold. And love each other. And be there for eachother. And to let my son be her Prince in Shining Armor. To  allow him to save her from me.Just like my brothers did for me plenty a time in my childhood.

Lesson for Mom: And so THAT is why I love having three children. And her posture today quietly and proudly walking off with her three packs of Skittles to school in her hand, the shy smile still on her face…I knew that she was rich. Rich in spirit because she learnt her parents limits and  even richer basking in the wide extent of her adoring brother’s love for her.

And that moment is mine and hers and his forever on many many levels.

Different Lululemons

I was reminded today how our lives seem to change after the age of 40 yrs old for women.

It’s funny because before you turn the big 40 you really don’t give the “other side” much thought at all. For me it’s always been just a number, just a phase of life.

Youth is defined by the way we feel and act and look and not by the age we are right?

But somehow I find this age does change most of us. And it is never really expected. It is sort of a bit like a truck hitting you-you don’t think about it often and don’t entertain the possibility much. When it happens you are left a little surprised, to say the least.

I am starting to really understand why woman in their 40’s and 50’s keep talking about how much wisdom they have and how these are really the years where they mature, and start being more peaceful and understanding their lives more. Many 40 plus something say it is the age of increased wisdom.

 

Ya…that is true. Because the age of increased beauty seems to be slowly but surely decreasing. No wonder we get to have more wisdom!

No offense to anyone over 40 reading this post….but I think we all look different after 40 somehow. The heavier ones, the skinny many ones, the blonds, the athletic ones, the sexy ones, the shy ones. All of us.

Somehow after 40 no matter what, skin looks punchier, butts look bigger, butts look flatter, hair has less shine, moles are more noticeable, tummies protrude, and eyes look wrinklier, lines on face more noticeable.

I recently saw a girl at a party that was purely gorgeous at 38 yrs old two years ago and this year at 40…she just looked like a middle aged woman in a short sparkly skirt trying to act young!

(Ok if I have not depressed you enough by this point you are strong! I am depressed myself just editing this post!)

But wait! Wait! It is not all bad ok??? I am getting to the good part..see how impatient you get past 40 on top of everything else???

I really honestly and seriously believe that at this age we start believing that beauty is truly skin deep. We start being more beautiful inside and therefore our beauty on the outside is enhanced by this inner beauty.

Yes this is very true indeed.

Our beauty changes at this age but so do our hearts. And don’t get me wrong we are all still rocking and attractive chicks! Terms like MILTF apply to us even if disgusting terminology!  And we still deserve to be called Yummy Mommies. We earn our titles well beyond 40. We are still super cute!

 

But still something happens at this age. No matter how good our bodies might look other woman start looking at us funny if we wear a bikini at the beach, no matter how sweet and how beautiful our eyes are and how long our legs are…younger men begin flirting with us less.

 

Somehow telling a younger man that you have a 15 yrs. old is just not that sexy is it? Or that you are desperately saving for three College educations? Or that you are proud of your boobs that still hold their own and seem to defy gravity most days of the week?

Somehow at this magical age we become more honest with ourselves and who we are. We become more honest with others around us too.

We no longer play the “I am adorable don’t you think?” ticket L((

We leave that to our beautiful and youthful daughters to do in our place now instead.

So that is why after 40…when most of us start feeling slightly less attractive; that we heighten our other assets in mysterious ways.

 

I am kind! I volunteer! I don’t beat up my husband when he falls asleep in Greys  Anatomy! I recycle! I think twice before buying 5 purses for the same season! I teach lots of values to my kids! I am a good citizen! I eat fruit!  And flaxseed!

Well yes of course you do Missy! These things are essential now that nobody is looking at your butt as you walk down the hall. They are all judging you by your actions and personality and decisions. What a pressure!!!!!

Step it up Girl!!!

Now is the time you see some woman becoming more religious, more involved in the community, fighting for causes, becoming better friends, applying to be plus size models, accepting the world around them..Accepting themselves.

And I know it sounds a bit odd all of this but it all occurred to me this morning when at the gym I saw a bunch of thirty years old with little kids under 5 yrs. old working out in their flashy hot pink tops and their black lululmon pants looking great and filled with pride that their babies were at the gym daycare not crying.

Then another group of women in stretchy tshirts and equally nice lululemon pants (one size bigger) with not as much nail polish on and ponytails not as straight and combed high….talking about other stuff than kids. Politics, the penny coming off the market. Life.

 

Neither was better or worse. They were just different. And I started questioning myself where I belonged? Somewhere in the middle of them I hoped. When I did my crunches in front of the mirror, I longingly looked into the mirror and missed the girl I was…but also felt pride and wonder at the woman I am becoming. I gave myself a silent pat on the back for having grown up.

 

Mostly I felt in awe. That age could be so important and so significant. In awe at women in general and everything we all have to offer at any age.

And I thought about all of my friends and women in my life all over 40 and contemplated that now we all have the whole package. We are beautiful..we really, really are. Don’t you think?

 

 

 

 

Reframing Mondays

I  will remember yesterday for many years.

Not because the penny went out of business.

Not because it was my middle son’s 13^th birthday.

Only because it was a great old ordinary day that was somehow extraordinary. And I have been having a whole lot more of those lately. And I convinced it is not coincidence.

Yesterday before lunchtime all in a row a number of things happened one after another, simple things…that really gave me an emotional high. As I stop to ponder why I was the recipient of so many highs in a row without caffeine, drugs or other reasons….it occured to me that I am reeping the benefits of a whole lot of hard work that has been going on in the last few years.

My highs yesterday included: a beautiful email from my friends mother about my blog and a post I wrote and how it affected her and a bunch of childhood memories, chicken nuggets homemade and dropped at my door for my son for his birthday by a great friend, an ultrasound picture sent  to me by a  good friend and colleague who lost a baby at 16 weeks and is now pregnant with a healthy baby, a text from my son’s friend from school saying “He is happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” updating me about the surprise note I left in Bears’ bag, and a calendar filled with many ways and dates to help one of my precious Bff’s as she plans for her daughter’s difficult surgery next week.

Some of these events I was receiving kindness and others ones I was giving kindness. Many were a pure mix of both. Giving and receiving fluidly. Making time for kindness and life really instead of racing through every moment with stress and exhaustion. Plowing through beautiful moments are what we do often do isn’t it?

I think a lot of it happened when I changed my Mondays. Really I do. I believe nothing in life is luck..it is all deliberate. You very often get exactly what you deserve in life as harsh at that may seem. You do the work you get a star-you don’t you get a hard kick in the ass. I have had my shares of both stars and ass kicks so I know what I am talking about.

Mondays used to be the worst day of my week by far. Lots of clients and lots of work and on the personal side a lot of crap around the house to do. I hated Mondays like most of the world. Sunday night my heartrate would rise….

I decided to change that about a year ago. I decided to make Mondays what I stand for. A mix of everything I do and everything I am. A bit of a melting pot. To do this I had to extend my normal 10 hr day to about a 15 hour day but that is fine. Although I can’t say I love Mondays yet or look forward to them ,I very often however have a good feeling on Mondays now even though they are exhausting and hard. I feel accomplished both from a personal and professional point of view. I feel like Mondays is an integration day for me.

It is the one day of the week I focus on my own company for a part of the day, I now also every second week focus on my corporate job for part of the day to allow for replacement time at less busy times (a win win for me and corporation), I often write a bit of my book that day too.

On the personal side I make myself available to kids between 3:15-5:00pm as impossible as that seemed to be a year ago. I drive them wherever, pick them up for whatever and am a chauffeur mostly for those 1.5 hrs. I sit with them when they come home for 15 minutes each and share a yummy snack. I make time to sit with them for dinner where it used to be Mondays was our “eat by yourself night of the week”. Now they make dinner and I eat it. I asked my Mom, who used to help out on Mondays with homework and cleaning and errands, not to come anymore and the house stays dirty or I clean it a tiny tiny bit. I exercise mostly that day at 7am out for a walk and hit the gym.

My days on Monday goes from 6am-10pm and so does my husband’s Mondays. He usually gets home at 10 pm. And then we sit on couch and fall asleep. But I am actually starting to like my Mondays. I have a Monday spirit now.

Also what I do on those days is text a bit and speak on the phone a bit, and plan our special family rituals. I go over my list of priorities and fit fun stuff in for the month ahead with friends and family. I plan all my projects and work. I fill up my (non obsessive 400 lists) with matters of the mind and heart. I make time for a cup of tea (ok I hate tea, a cup of diet coke) and I make time for a bit of heavy meditation (ok heavy breathing at the gym). I go for a walk and pick up a yummy sandwich on my way home and help others with their lives.

By the end of that day I have done a whole lot. And more importantly a whole lot I am proud of.I keep its rule to fit in at least one things that always falls to the bottom of my to do list no matter what.Yesterday it was keeping a chart of my cholesterol over tithe last 6 yrs. and my blood pressure too.

(Next Monday I get to babysit a beautiful 6 month old yummy baby boy all day and evening while his sweet sister has surgery and stays in the hospital all week. I am thrilled to offer help. I have cancelled anything and everything else. I am all hisJ)) Acts of Service make me feel alive and complete. Love in action).

So all in all I think good things came my way because I have made some space for them and invited them in in varying ways. I also have made more space to notice them and the joy they bring me. To stand up a notice among them hectic and chaotic nature of lives with careers, and kids, bills and responsibilities. Focus on what matter. Focus on the awesome list.Be grateful.

And I am also learning to be kind to myself and my shortcomings. To give ourselves pats on the back more often. Two years ago I promised myself that I would step out of my comfort zone and bake my kids a cake on their birthdays. Each year. That is the least I can do isn’t it? But you know what the truth is I hate baking. Even the boxed cakes. And each time I tried, I felt bored and restless and resentful. Try serving that up for your birthday child on their special day?

So this year I basked in what I AM good at. Driving the friends around after a surprise, handing out 50 bucks for a treat afterschool, preparing an icecream bar with skor  bits and smarties over oreos. Joking in the car and laughing with my son about sex and drugs and how stupid those choices are.

Being there in the life I have. With what I have got. With the qualities I am blessed with. Forgiving myself for not being everything to everybody all the time. Reframing Mondays to include work and delivering and performance and joy and fun, and due diligence. Giving myself the space and moments to feel and to thank and to give and to love.

Giving myself space to grow. And time to give back to those I love.

Watching myself and being aware of the world and its abundance around me.

Letting myself gratefully and gracefully soak it all in. And most importantly teaching my kids to do the same.

 

 

 

 

 

It's My Bear's 13th Birthday Today!

Happy Birthday My Darling!

 

 

He’s officially a teen today. Although I have been calling him a teen for the last year he is only really one today.

And I am sooooo excited because I planned a little surprise for him and I love surprises and so does he. In his backpack is a note that his buddies will tell him to look for at lunchtime at school and that note invites him and two of those friends for Thai Express and depanneur afterschool paid for by us. A second note on his door this morning invited him to a fancy lunch with his Dad and best buddy on Thursday to be picked up and dropped off at school. He will be thrilled.

I figure if for Jewish boys 13 is a wedding- like event my boy should have a couple of lunches out and be spoiled a bit too no?

My fave part of planning this little surprise is that I loved texting these two new friends I have never met behind his back. It was so fun! They were so appreciative and excited-it was if I was offering to take them to a concert and Fireworks after and a ski in the mountains!!! They were so cute and sweet and wonderful. They kept texting me all week thanking me and telling me how excited they were to  see Bears’ reaction. He has wonderful, polite, smart, mature and incredible new friends at his new school and I am happy for him. I am excited to meet these kids today-they sound so nice.

Bears bday incuded early morning wake up to gifts and basket in bed, surprise on the door Thursday lunch with Chibou and Daddy,  ice cream bar tonight’s special snack since can’t celebrate for dinner until Tuesday since in 2^nd day of semester end exams and he is cramming away.

Specially prepared and delivered homemade favorite chicken nugget surprise. By the sweetest of friends who has plenty on her mind moving across the world in a few weeks but still has the heart and time for this sweet gesture for BearJ (can't wait to see his favce on this one as he loves kind and lovely gestures like this)

Tuesday night family dinner with Didi and five of us for “Raclette” Yummy! Cesar salad, nachos as an entrée and homemade brownies for dessert. Didi's traditional gift bag and maybe a session of Scrabble Slam? A massage at the spa to top of this special year. Of course his bdayb yearly tradition: a pillsbury chocolate cookie baked in a pan as one BIG cookie

Since he is 13 and that and 16th are big years in our minds….this year is a big party year with friends., We will wait until Spring when the snow has melted and he will have his Paintball party where his friends are invited to pay half the tarif and us the other half. Will have two minivans full of kids and the rule is more than 85% have to be new friends to encourage stepping out of comfort zone in the first year of high school. It works! A combination of a few of his awesome friends from gradeschool and a bunch of new kids we get to meet.

So Bear we love you so incredibly much. You are a good boy, a great son, a great friend, you have calmed down with the girls a bit hallelujah and you look amazing with your braces on. I am so happy that we fought and prayed and worked and strategized re Defi Sport as you told me the other day that it has made you love school and that you could not even imagine not being into Defi Sports and that it is the highlight of your existence (and I knew how important this was for you). You were worth every single ounce of energy that went into thinking and worrying about this after your emergency surgery even if everyone around me thought your Mom was nuts to care so much about school). You and I get it eh Bear?

I wish for you all the health, happiness and success that you so deserve in your 13 yr and beyond. I love watching you love life. And I love all of your friends-they are perfectly suited to the guy you are and you all deserve eachother.

To minimal migraines, more eggs, more sleep, good grades, lots of sports and muscles and to all the smiles that make you who you are Bear!!

Love

Mommy

Diagnosis Received!

Yesterday was a long day. I worked until 8:00pm and then went straight to an appt at Chases’s Neuropsychologist.

And the apt was not  even about Chase..it was about me.

I had two objectives for this meeting:

1-to find out if I myself am a bit crazy (ok maybe not crazy but over anxious and on the compulsive side)

2-To find out if my son’s doctor is an over prescriber of drugs (aka would he give me an anti-anxiety medication if I shed a few tears and talk about my racing mind on his couch)?

So here is what I got: no medication, a bit of sympathy and suggestions to breathe deeper, do some yoga and go to a meditation course.

Hooray for him not be an over perscriber! Happy for my son as now I feel that if he prescribed a med for him it must be justified!

Sucks: for me no medication to fix my boo boo. Horray we are starting both a meditation and yoga course that I manage at my company. I love my companyJ

But this session got me to thinking about why lately my mind is racing in the way it is. The Psychologist seemed to have a lot of thoughts on this.

Aka: “Tarina-YOU ARE IN BY FAR THE HARDEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE WITH TWEENS AND TEENS! Of course your mind will be racing, and your 400 lists day are a bit compulsive but from what I can see very productive and have worked for you!

So below a little analysis of what has been different in the last couple of years. Sister Savvy and I had a good conversation about this the other day.

Before: Kids needing help with dictees and reading the words they put in front of you

Now: “Helping” with algebra that makes you feel like a stupid and useless idiot of a parent nightly

Before: Kid has an issue call all your girlfriends and mother to get advice, talk to your husband.

Now: Talk to the actual kid about his issues night after night and try to make him see the light (then talk to your girlfriends, mom and husband over and over and over again as the issues never seem to go away)

Before: all 3 kids either get dropped of an picked up from daycare at your convenience. Or take a little school bus to school and stay at service de garde until you are good and ready to get to go get them.

Now: all kids schedules everyday are different. One day 5am ski trip at school, one tobogganing trip 8am and one final exam at 1pm. Get them a bus pass, pray a lot for them, text them a lot, and lock your liquor cabinets as their friends are at your house potentially while you are at work 

Before: tuck in kids at 9:00pm on weekends and have an a bit of an evening with your spouse

Now: have the kids take over the TV room and watch Dumb and Dumber while taking up all the space on the couch and wake you up (on the floor) at 11:30pm to tuck them in

Before: drop the three kids off at 1-3pm for a little ski lesson at the mountain

Now: go to the ski mountain 5 times a day and drop and pick up for racess, instructor programs, sleepovers with ski friends, etc…Live at the ski mountain. Have kids stuck alone on chairlifts and be saved by fireman. (Ps I wish I could be stuck and saved by firemen!!!)

 Before: Put a kid on a time- out on the stairs

Now: Threaten to put a kid in juvenile detention center

 Before: Fail a test and don’t get a sticker

Mow: Fail a test and don’t get into CEGEP

Before: Buy a few quarts of milk a week and put a little chocolate powder in it to get them to drink it.

Now: Pay for 15 double quarts of milk a week and take out a second mortgage

Before: Pay for a little ballet class at school from your pocket money

Now: Dip into your Education funds to support hockey, ski, surf and every other sport offered under the sun at school that is mandated

Before: Worry that your child’s car seat may be getting a bit small

Now: Worrying that your child could actually drive a car in 9 months from now

Before: “Mommy I lost my lunchbox at school”

Now: “Mommy I feel like I am losing my mind”! “PS I also lost one of my new skis at school”.

And the list goes on and on and on…

No wonder my mind is racing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Psychologist assures me that I am just not good with transition and that I will get used to this all very quickly with some breathing, yoga and meditation of course)

(He also secretly told me to start drinking a glass of wine at night..ssshhhh)

PS-at the end he told me that I made him laugh harder than he has in a long time and that I was really quite sweet and not crazy at allJ That was a lift in itself.

 

I Am a Writer…

I always have a bit of pressure on me now on January 31 it seems. It is the date last year and this year and likely every year from now on that for Valentine’s Day my husband makes a beautiful hardcover book for me as a gift. A printed book of my blog for the year.

We don’t just randomly print a blog book any day. He does it January 31 systematically and with tradition and purpose. This is the way he and I do things and my blog book is no exception to this rule.

He has been asking me this month..”Will you make the last blog entry special on Jan 31^st since it is the last one of that book?”

(No pressure sweetie really).

It is also the anniversary of my Dad’s death on this date. A confusing yet important milestone in my mind. One that brings up many things.

So as I reflected on what special and intriguing blog I could possibly write, I decided to reflect more on what has really, really been intricate and different about this year for me. What has stood out? There have been two things and surprisingly neither has to do with parenting or work. Very unusual indeed for me.

The first is the depth of the friendships I have right now in my life. I have been part of both significantly deepening existing ones and replenishing and nurturing other ones. I have also made  a couple of new wonderful and forever friends over the last two years . I feel so happy in this part of my life and circle right now and feel like it is something that I have always and desperately wanted. I have found my place in my friendships. I am deeply happy on this level. I have what I have always wanted and need and I cannot even begin to express how complete this makes me feel. I feel like I am uncovering a whole other side of myself through these deeper connections. I for the first time in my life in so many ways feel I am supporting others and feel fully supportable by others too. I am sharing in ways I have never before. I am sharing myself fully and asking for exactly what I need. The benefits of this process are far beyond my wildest imagination. Much of the same process is occurring with my husband and each child too. It is not new but it is deeper. Everything is deeper around me.
I have let deep in.

And my second occurrence is that I have realized I am truly a writer. It even makes me feel strange and shy and a bit odd to write that sentence as I do not identify with it (yet) hardly at all.

But I am most definitely a writer. As I read back on two years of blogs and the passion I felt in writing them I know that. As my Sister Savvy led me to this amazing blog writing experience and helped me to discover this for myself, I knew I was a writer As I spent  many afternoons over this decade on my boat in the summer, my hair blowing in the wind and sentences and phrases and paragraphs swirl though my mind it is clear to me that I am a writer.. 

As I reread for the first time the three completed chapters and bios and  book summary that I put together, (and of which two people in my life had to probe and push me to finally send them because they were dying of curiousity to see what I was working on)……I read the words last night with pride and joy. And I realized I am actually a writer. By the end of 2013 I will very likely have my name as co-author with a very well-known person on a published BOOK! My first book!

And it will be they first of many books for me of that I am clear. As hard as this process it and time consuming and eating up much of my spare hours on weekends and in the evenings, as much bureaucracy as writing a book is…I simply love it. I cannot imagine my life without a book in it actually anymore. And this is not even MY book. It is someone else’s that I am contributing to and partnering with to bring to life.

I have two more books and beyond just waiting to be written by me. They are so clear in my mind right now and have come to life for me very clearly over the last few months. I am excited to write them over the next 5-7 yrs.-very excited.

So yes I am a writer. And I will never ever be the type of writer who does this full time or even part time. As it will never replace my job or my career. It will be a few hours a week for many years of my life. It will be an in between activity and not an all-consuming activity.

 I will never be the type of writer that thanks everyone and everyone for pouring over their work and guiding them as my work is mine and is mostly for me for the moment. For me writing is not about getting it right, it is about getting it out of myself. For now anyways. It’s a bit of trial and error for now. Getting it to sound the way I want it to. Letting this incredible process unfold before me and with me in it. Letting my dream take shape and change directions many times over.

I can feel the future and it is friendly. I have a hobby! I have a passion I think! I have found something that relaxes me in many ways (and stresses me out of my mind in other ways!)

And my Dad was a writer. A GREAT writer. A known and expereinced and published many times over writer. And for years and years and years I denied myself this part of me because it was part of him and I wanted so desperately to be different than him.

But I have this part of him in me.

Is this the sign he sent me?
The gift he left me?

If it is I am ready to receive it. As Soulkeeper told me two years ago in my driveway with two babies in her hands “You are a writer” with her sweet and serious expression. With conviction. Sweetly. With truth. Even though she knew this would not be perceived as a compliment at the time.She did not care-she needed to tell me.

And I am one.

At every funeral there are always eulogies. My Dad had many people give one including his three children. And each eulogy has it’s moment …where everyone cries because what is said is touching and real. In my eulogy there were so many parts about my Dad, I was very honest and forthright about the complex and difficult relationship we had together and lack of one in mnay ways. It was a tough and freeing experience to say it aloud in front of so many people. To be heard and understood and to be able to have the words to both be true and real but also to have my father cherished and understood.

But the end of the eulogy was about me. Even if it was my Dad’s eulogy.My last line even if it was his funeral, was about me.

And since that day two years ago I have had almost everyone in attendance mention that line to me and the impact it had one them. I remember looking over at two of my beloved friends and seeing how it impacted them because they knew what it meant to me to say it aloud. A promise really.

“Dad..... is now time to put ink in my pen and allow music back into my heart”

I am now certain that that was my sign. That was the gift I was left. The gift of getting to speak about me even when I was supposed to be speaking about my Dad. My Dad giving me back to me.
My Dad being a Dad to me in death when he was not fully able to be in life perhaps? I seem to have some kind of comfort in making wishes and somehow hoping my Dad will make them come true. Today I made four and out them on little heart stickies right into his Urn on my fireplace as the first thing as I woke up this morning.
 

Yes..I am a writer. Among many, many other things.

Goodbye January 31^st

Hello:

“More Life, Please!”
 

 

 

Pretty Teachers, Scrabble Slam and Empowerment

ADD so far is a journey..and one with so many pieces and twists and turns. And like any journey you feel yourself anchor and the slip away and then come back again. And hopefully you enjoy the ride.

Despite many obstacles and challenges I am enjoying the ride of this and so is my son.

Why is that you may ask? Because it is making me grow as a Mom and I also love new parts of my son emerge. He is like a little flower and blooming through this experience. Sometimes wilting, sometimes growing. It is actually quite beautiful to watch.

What makes me the most proud (and yes I use that word a lot because I have come a looooong way baby in two years) is the way I am handling this all. That I have truly come complete with his capability. I believe in him. I want him to succeed. I want him to fail. I want him to feel joy and I want him to experience sadness. I really do! I have arrived at my destination! OMG! OMG! (insert little happiness dance here)

Not only do I expect the ups and downs of life for him and my two others now-I actually enjoy them as I know they are a necessary part of their development. Does it mean my heart does not break? No! But is breaks a little bit less. I seem to be toughning up and this is what you need as a Mom. Someone who can handle your life.

So the “great accommodations” at the school have proved less than great in some instances and very good in others. Sitting outside in a busy hall to do an exam is not an isolated room! No my son cannot wear 100 lb construction earphones and helmets in class to do quiet work!!!! Yes it disturbs him when the secretary chats with him about his day during a final!!!

But..these are good people. They want to help..they just are not used to this. And they have chosen the right family to partner with..because neither are we. And we are more than willing to be the pioneer. It has perks!

So it is a journey that can break my heart on some days an lift me up soaring on others. And like all journeys there is a destination that you and your child were always meant to arrive at together. The teacher appears when the student is ready.

Meeting again with the principal have taught us how supported we all are, natural maturity and self-confidence have taught us to be happy that we said no to the drug for the moment to watch this process unfold naturally, focus on un vrai education vs marks has expanded our understanding of what a student needs to learn in school, relationships with teachers and principal have been an amazing experience for my son as he both advocates for himself and stands up for himself as well as charms the pants offthese people with both his charisma and humor.

Everything I have taught and hoped for in my son is coming out now…in a situation that is far from easy..far from predictable. My son is rising up to the plate and I am in awe. Resilience is being created before me.

So I will cry in bed at night for some little parts that I know hurt and make life tougher at such a delicate stage of life for him, but I have chosen to embrace the parts of all of this that are beautiful to watch unfold and will add them to my little book of awesome.

A text from Chases telling me he went to the principal’s office just to say hi (and play scrabble same hahah!)

Chase telling me last night that it was such a busy day because he had recuperation at lunch and tutoring after school and no break. When I asked why he needs to go at lunch was he asked by the teacher? He said “Mom it was voluntary-have you seen my French teacher???:)))))) Bless the heart of teachers who are babes!!!

And mostly I will despite all the pain and setbacks and sadness that surround a child struggling in school and sometimes life in general, be grateful for the son he is and the parents we have been to him when he turns to me this weekend by the fire and says:

Mom it is all going ok you know. It is hard…but even if I am singled out and put in the busy hall to do exams, I understand more how my brain is working and not working sometimes. I like knowing this and it makes me feel good. I like knowing you know and the teachers know. I feel good.

Music to my mommy ears. And the articulation of it makes me feel like I have done something right in this kids life and that will always keep me smiling. He is a good kid and I am 100% sure he will become the incredible man he was always destined to be. Under our watchful (but believing) watch.

Resilience  being created through experience.