Why you may ask??: Overall I love that THEY have a life
together completely independent of their lives with US. They will always have each
other and this below example this week just brings it home for me entirely.
Scene: Beauty tells her Dad and me at 9:30pm that her class
has a “recompense” activity the next day and they are allowed to bring candy. She
says-can we go to depanneur now? And when we say no it is way too late she literally
and completely starts bawling like a 2 yr. old and having temper tantrum full
force that lasts a long long time.
So: In our house this type of behavior is unacceptable
and will get you nowhere. Once you choose to act this way all rational discussion
are off the table and you are left on your own until you calm down. No
solutions are provided, ideas etc... We are often very strict on this and although
sometimes heart wrenching for us to enforce we are most often found sticking to
our guns.
Then: Beauty goes up to bed and is stilly crying in her
bed. Her Dad and I quickly align and decide that our daughter:
1- needs
to learn from this experience
2- will
not be going to the depanneur with us at 10pm tonight or 7am in morning
3- That
it needs to be reinforced that a lack of planning and having a childish out of control tantrum
will not be encouraged and enabled
4- All this
results in no candy for Beauty unless she can find an old candy cane around the
house somewhere
(This is where healthy living sucks for our kids. We only
have treats at our cottage on weekends-there is not good stuff lying around
ever Mon-Thursday)
Conclusion: So Mommy goes up to bed and uses Love and
Logic approach and quietly holds crying child and rubs her backs and listens to
her reasons about how life is terrible and how she only gets a recompense 3
times per year and life is unfair and how she tried to call me at work at 4pm
but I had the audacity to be in a meeting and she did not feel like leaving a
message and blah, blah blah..
I repeat “Ya it sucks..Ya it sucks many times over. I
make my eyes look really empathetic. I fake appropriate sympathetic body
language.
Then I tell her that the reason she has not candy and no
solutions is that a) she was not organized and did not give this proper thought
before 9:30pm when it was too late and b)-that her behavior and tantrum made it
impossible to find solutions together that could work. Her crying blocked out possible
negotiations, solutions and brainstorming (i.e.: her having a note to leave at lunch
from school to store, her walking to school early in morning and getting candy,
her calling a friend and buying some candy from them etc..)
So basically she went to bed totally sad, miserable and
broken. I felt really really bad but also felt really good that I had been a
good Mom instead of a good Friend to my daughter. Exactly the job I have been
hired for. (did you know that I read a study last month that is a renowned Harvard study
and clearly states that if before the age of 6yrs. kids are not given equal doses
of nurturing/love and discipline /limit setting) that there is more than a 61%
percent chance that as adolescents they will have a massive rebellious periods
and as adults very likely deal with anxiety and lack of self-confidence!!) This
is the third study I read on this subject of the importance of limit setting in
kids this year! Enough to convince me to deny my kid candy while holding her
close in my armsJ)))
Continued: I leave the room and she is pretty calm. I leave her in a state of deep learning and thought
And then: Her oldest brother comes in the room and hands
her over his Christmas bags of Skittles and Lifesavers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not just one pack-but three packs!!!! For free! No strings
attached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He overheard the conversation (who could not at that
level of volume!!) and he said his heart was breaking for her and that he just had
to give her his Christmas Candy. All of it. It was a gift from the depths of
his eternal heart.
And her little tiny face…had a little tiny smile that
crept up every so daintily and replaced her frown and tears. I am not sure I have
ever seen such love on her face (or on his). They literally leaned into each other’s
arms and hugged and hugged and hugged for many moments as I watched and
listened from outside of the door.
Never interfering. Or commenting. Because that is also my
job as a Mother.To watch them unfold. And love each other. And be there for eachother.
And to let my son be her Prince in Shining Armor. To allow him to save her from me.Just like my
brothers did for me plenty a time in my childhood.
Lesson for Mom: And so THAT is why I love having three children. And her
posture today quietly and proudly walking off with her three packs of Skittles to
school in her hand, the shy smile still on her face…I knew that she was rich.
Rich in spirit because she learnt her parents limits and even richer basking in the wide extent of her
adoring brother’s love for her.
And that moment is mine and hers and his forever on many
many levels.
