Today is the last day of my current life. The end of an
era. A brand new chapter is on the next page
It’s official so I might as well write about it now. Our
housekeeper of 6.5 years is leaving (has 2 more days left). Because of our
types of careers-she is what mostly makes our lives tick, and work and move.
She is who gets food cooked and meals in our bellies, she is home for the kids,
she cleans the house, does all the laundry, wraps Christmas gifts. She does a
whole lot.
Spoiled you may wonder? Maybe a bit. But not really. We
have jobs that require this. Most people in our situations with three kids have
full time live in housekeepers. We have someone 1.5 days a week. And also my Mom
who also we hire a number of hours a week doing other types of things like
taking kids to their activities and appointments, doing errands, organizing
food and many other things that add so much to our quality of life.
I know know know what mostly everyone is thinking reading
this blog” get over yourself..there are bigger crisis than your housekeeper
leaving your family-get a life and don’t be so dramatic!!”
And I agree. There are way bigger problems out there. Tons. Many of them I have
experienced myself and many I have not and hope to never experience. This
however is my problem right now and I own it and I am stuck with it. And PS
this is my blog.
And this is more than meets the eye too. Much much more.
Her leaving affects me on deep and profound levels and my husband too. Domestic
help has always been important to us on a practical level and an emotional
level too. The nanny we had for 6 years when the kids were little was almost
like part of the family and this housekeeper who left was also like part of our
family in some ways. It felt so so so good for both of us to be taken care of.
Now if you come from families where you have lots of
brothers and sisters living close by and both parents alive and you all get
together for weekly Sunday dinners you won’t understand this. If your parents
own cottages and organize yearly family reunions where tons of cousins and
siblings come and you all hang out and your Dad leads obstacle courses and
roasts corn and marshmallows over the open fire every night, you also won’t get
this either. If your parents have the means have a fund set aside for each of their
kids in case emergencies arise or medical disaster happens you also won’t get
this. If you rotate Christmas every year across 4 homes of parents, grandparents
and siblings you will have no idea. If
you fall into all the above categories..or even just one..you will likely be
reading this and saying”it is only a housekeeper”
And that is because…..your kids are probably being raised
in a village. And you are very very lucky. For me a housekeeper is the only way
that we lead the family life we do. Pointe Finale. It is my salvation.
Our family now has one grandparent left (my Mom) .She has
not remarried. My kids lost 3 grandfathers in the span of 4 years. My husband’
both parents are deceased. My two brothers live far away (and one of them has
decided not too speak to me much lately-thank god for the closeness of the
other one). My husband’s siblings: one he has no contact with and the other
although close and we have a good relationship with is not the village type of
mentality.
I am not unique in our situation nor am I complaining. I
am just very honest with myself what we do have and what we do not have in our
families. Don’t get me wrong-we have A LOT. Our kids have one phenomenal grandmother very very close
to us and the kids and lives 5 mins away thank goodness. We have a very very
close sibling and his family but they live in the USA. We have a very very
close set of Uncle and Aunt and cousins but they also don’t live closeby . We
have a lot of circumstances in our extended family that do not add up to the
whole raising your kids in a village mentality. And this village is an element
that is of a high value for us and that we tried very hard to build as we got
married and had children. We now try very hard to create this for our own
nuclear family.
So all of that to say many milestones in our lives were
spent alone. I remember when we brought our first baby home and we were all
alone. There were piles and piles of snow on the steps outside and we had to show
and shovel our way into the house while the two day old son was in his new car seat
in the car. The house was cold and freezing and there was no food in the house.
At the time my husband’s sister and family lived a 4 minute walk and his Dad
lived a 3 minute walk. That was just the way things were. We were often alone.
So our village in some ways has always been our two
beloved housekeepers. They have been the two that we have relied on..who have
kept us secure..and kept us standing. They have cooked for our children and
made sure their bellies were full. They were there for them afterschool to
provide a nice word and a gentle hug a couple of days a week. They dug us out
of hard situations and cared for our homes and our lives. Yes they were
paid-but they were instrumental. They gave us the feeling of being taken care
of. And there was no recipriciotcity needed. All they expected from us was a
continued job, gratitude and recognition which we have them in bounties. They
were there for us during moves to homes and new offices, in storms, in chaos
and in normal life. They were constant and nurturing and reliable. They loved
us and our children to the point that we still get cards and calls on birthdays
and lovely letters from our first nanny.
Almost if we were all helpless and they fulfilled our
every need.Magical. Too good to be true right? And now gone. But for two adults
for whom “helpless” has never entered our vocabulary either as kids, teens or
adults-this was a great feeling to have. To be helpless and not in control every
minute of every day.
There is a reason that this post is called “Taking it to
the Next Level”. Because I am smart enough to know that there is another level
to get too. Being babied and helpless is not what I want in life. I am very cognisant
that when something challenging in your life happens you need to allow that
situation to fuel you, to shape things and to do things differently that you have
before. To think differently about
things.
Losing my housekeeper has made me grieve. For many things. It has made feelings deep inside of me
surface and be dealt with. It has brought a hyper consciousness to myself and
has allowed me to feel pain freely without an action oriented mentality that I
usually use to band aid things up and move on. I have felt freely. I still do.
It has made me realize where I have fallen short in my
life. What I have done wrong. Where I have fallen short as a mother..a
teacher..a role model. It has made me critical of the actions of others.It has
allowed me to truly and honestly grieve the village I never felt I had and allow
myself to feel this fully without masking it up with all the positive beautiful
feelings of the things I feel I have
had.
I have
allowed myself to feel that I am a village girl without a village.
My housekeeper leaving will take me to a beautiful place
and I now just have to figure out exactly how to get there. My unconcious is
solving a lot of this for me in my dreams every single night. I have visions of
my kids in the kitchen afterschool cooking up a storm, stews, spaghettis, pot-roasts.
A feeling of pride and accomplishment in their hearts. I see laundry becoming a
family affair and the scents of lemon fresh sheets being placed just so on beds
with each of us holding corners. I see empowerment, accountability and life
skills being taught and learnt. Life 101 as the semester’s next course. I see
our family learning a new way of life. Together. I see us struggling and
pulling through this whole new lifestyle and coming out winning. Bonded.
Secure. Different. Better.
So I
don’t know what it looks like yet…but I know I will make it good. And
somehow it will lead to villages being built for my kids both now and in their
futures as they have their own children. This domesticity being forced on me
now will serve me well later as I care for their babies and cook for them, as I
fold their sheets as they likely push me in a wheelchair. While I am not only
seen as they sous chef chopping veggies as their Dad cooks up a storm but seen
as a great cook with plenty of recipes
being cooked up for them. By me. For them. ME. Allowing a different part
of myself to emerge under forced conditions but a part of me that needs to grow
nevertheless.
My housekeeper leaving is major and will end of awakening something in me that has been asleep
for a long long while.
Pretend
they all adore you (this keeps rolling in my mind over and over and over)
Pretend you know how to nurture Tarina; to cook, to take
care, to see grow. Pretend at first I
know how to nurture. After a while of pretending it will actually be true. It
will be me. I will be an expert village builder. And most importantly I will
teach my children how to build villages right along with me.
