Healing

Oh how bodies heal don’t they?

Everything is a process..a package…all tied up to everything else.

When something goes wrong in the system it seems as though it will never be right again. But for the lucky ones it all returns to normal at some point.

Even our hearts do. Time truly does heal most matters of our body and soul. Not all but most.

Our bodies never cease to amaze me still-the process of pain. Of healing..of recovery. Both from the physical standpoint and the mental standing.

So much of pain is also in our psyches. Do we let anxiety take over? Do we try to try to find cures to our ailments? Do we seek comfort? Revenge? Silence? Exposure.

The body has a process. Sometimes we own it and sometimes we don’t.

Same with our hearts.

Healing is always around the corner…we just need to seek what heals us exactly?

What is the secret? Our secret? The formula.

Health—the only thing to covet really. The only real wish.

When  it is taken away…momentarily even…for a day..a week..a year or decade..the goal seems to be able to just get it back.

 

 

Silence Please!

I don’t know about your kids but sometimes (often) mine really get on my nerves. There comes a point that I just want them to be quiet and shut up..and I keep waiting fort that point to come!

Aren’t tweens and teens supposed to want to spend a lot of time looking sullen and by themselves in their own rooms alone? Not my kids! Not ever!

There just comes a point of any week or weekend where I have heard enough of the whining, the screaming shut up to each other and the..”I didn’t stack the dishwasher badly HE did!” Gets on my nerves. And when I know they are not off to school the next day either in routines it is even worse. One home on bed rest now and one off on a professional day…nice to start a Monday with a day off of school eh? Do these teachers ever work??

Problem with tweens and teens too is that there is no start and end to a day. It’s not like 8:30pm really comes around anymore and I can tuck them in and beddy-bye. If it is a non-school night they stay up later than us and if a school night often now they do homework way beyond their set bedtimes. What am I supposed to say “No more homework allowed??

But I crave silence like most people crave alcohol and coffee. I need it.

I hate loud sounds. I hate loud noises. It was a real issue when I had three kids under the age of 4 at home. And every day since actually.

And my kids are not quiet at all. Not at all.

So it’s not all sunshine and roses ok over here? My daughter is driving me bananas these days and I keep looking for diagnoses on the Internet of what could be wrong with her. Although I am so thankful my son is not blind., I secretly wish something could have made his voice blurry instead of his eyes in the last few days. And my middle son is just too diplomatic. Always trying to explain to me when I am irritated how he tried to control himself or was not part of this or that. I am not in the mood for discussions and lesson child-go to sleep!

All I want to to is go back to the beach.

(And yes I am still grateful for them all I am just in a crappy mood. Also WTF? Why does my period now come 6 days early or 15 days late? Enough hormones. Calm down! Go away!. )

PS we also this weekend on top of everything going on here put up an X-mas tree, baked all the /Christmas traditional  mocha desserts, made 5 meals, made some breakfast loaves for Xmas and hid an elf. I think we might have tried to  accomplish too much (well my husband did as I have been sick in bed). It literally feels that for the whole weekend the kitchen has been a complete mess and the dishwasher has been stacked an unstacked a million times (which it has). How much can a family eat??????? Are we pigs?

Just looking at this house cleaning, cooking, being merry is exhausting me….I know I know I am a real pain in the ass today. I will be better tomorrow:) By the time Dec 24 rolls around I will feel much merrier for certain. (after all the shopping and wrapping is done that is) Another task that tires me out just picturing all the work.

 

 

In the Blink of an Eye

In the Blink of an Eye

It’s amazing how a world can be turned upside down (and then back upside right) within moments hours and days isn’t it?

Like getting a soccer ball at school straight in the eye and having a blood vessels broken,  blood in eye and trauma to the eye. Not being able to see properly, losing conscious for a moment, eye pain each time you move and having to wear sunglasses both day and night. It’s scary how quickly and how blurry our safe world can become.

Funny how my post yesterday was "Safe and Sound" yet danger was right beside us waiting.

This was Chases’s day yesterday. Thank goodness for my husband as I was sick and in bed and still am totally unable right now to take proper care of our son. Two ophthalmologists later and then a visit today to the resident to of the children’s hospital……and we are told what we need to hear. “He is on the mend”

 

Can we breathe now? Might be the first real breathe I have taken in 36 hrs

It’s amazing when it comes to health stuff how nothing nothing nothing else matters. So many other crappy things also happened today…I felt crappy; things happened or did not happen. But the only focus is the health of my son. That is it. I would trade a million trillion crappy feeling days for his well-being and health in a single moment.

He still has to go back to the hospital tomorrow and then next day and maybe the next to be monitored daily for now but the scary part seems to be under control.

I am so relieved you are ok Chasie boy. My darling. My baby. Thank goodness. Bed rest for 5 days may be a bit boring and no sports for two weeks (including missing your first weekend of skiing next weekend, but we can deal with that…with pleasure. Compared to the nasty alternatives running through my head all day today and all yesterday…this outcome is fine with me!

 

 

Safe and Sound

As Americans celebrate Thanksgiving this week I thought I should show support as a  close Canadian and take a look at what I am most grateful for this year. Gratitude is never wasted. Whenever I am feeling stressed or worried or down and under- gratitude brings me back up again.

I am most grateful for me and my family being safe and sound and healthy. There is nothing I would ever be more grateful for.

I am grateful for tenderness. It is something I have always had inside of me but haven’t always been able to access and show as often as I do now. I am grateful that any walls I had built up over the years have come down to a large degree. It feels so good.

I am grateful for each of my children in a million trillion ways that I could never do justice to with words

I am grateful for my husband of almost 18 yrs. and that we continue to grow and thrive and love so well together.

I am so extremely grateful for my Mom. I have been so so blessed.

I am grateful for my extended family and my close friends. Recently a  Mom from  my daughter’s schoolgirl told me that she has no close relationships outside of her immediate family “because she has no time at all for that” (the girl has a set of twins but still!!). I left that conversation feeling so so sad for her. She said she barely speaks to her Mother and Father except for once a month…she has let go of all her girlfriends and couple friends and does not attend any family get togethers anymore. I left that conversation feeling so sad for her and grateful for my own relationships.

I am grateful for so many other things in my life, but I realize as I write this that health and relationships far surpass anything else I have and love in my life. There are a million trillion other things to be grateful for but the most is always involving the people I love and who love me back.

Safe and Sound at Home.

Safe

Healthy

All is good.

 

 

Missing Tuesdays

Ever since the moment our first son was born almost 16 yrs ago my husband and I made a pact. To be home for dinner as a family almost all Tuesdays and Wednesdays nights in general. (and the weekends) Pre kids we both used to get home at around 7:30m or 8pm Mon –Thursday and switched that up pretty quickly when we started having babies. For 16 yrs my husband has worked late Monday nights (really late as in often 11pm!) and Thursdays nights both of us work late until often about 8pom. Tuesday and Wednesday we are home by 6:30 and always have family dinners. Of course there are exceptions, travel, offistes, and business dinners. But we avoid anything we have control over those nights and for 16 yrs. that has worked amazingly well for us.

We even have adjusted kid’s activities around this pact. Their tutoring too. Even their part time tutoring job they do for the neighbor next door. We protect this time like crazy at the expense of many swimming lessons, soccer, dance lessons and anything else. If you are on a Tuesday or Wednesday after 6pm…you don’t get to be on our priority list.

Until the last 4 months came along. My husband has something right now every Tuesday night that is important to him and we have made it a priority. A real priority.

And boy do we feel this is our family. I can’t even imagine being a family who does not put deliberate quality time aside for each other……it must be so alienating. Just in four months we feel the pull and the shift and the not being as connected. Throw in there about 7 weekends we have not gone to the cottage all 5 of us (as there was often all or 1 missing this Fall on weekends) and it is just plain sad. Having teens is a big adjustment to lives, calendars and routines. Now that three of them will be in high school next year we find ourselves fighting harder and harder to protect our time.

I am seriously hoping we can get back on track soon with our schedules because what a difference it makes in a family. Study after study show that eating together as a family is one of the healthiest things families can do to decrease drug use, drinking, age of sexual activity etc….If that is not enough to convince me of the importance of eating together-I don’t know what is!

All that to say our lack of Tuesday night’s recently is deliberate and has a much higher purposes that remains something I won’t be discussing on this blog. And sometimes part of being a family is sacrificing for its members and their needs at various points isn’t it? I can’t wait to get our 16 yr. routine back into place but I also feel pride in knowing what matters and when. And for losing enough control (in a good way) to let that all play out.

Part of growing up teenagers is also growing up and changing ourselves. And growing and adapting right alongside them. And as I have one son in grade 10 now and next yr the last year of highschool...I realize that very soon our schedules will shift yet again….but when we get there they may be no turning back. I can’t imagine our dinner table without him on Tuesdays or any other precious night of the week. Imagining him in Cegep year and a half right now sometimes makes me feel physically ill.

“The days are long but the years are short”

 

Trust me ...it's all so very very true

Make every moment count as often as you can.

 

 

Home Sweet Home

I am missing the beach but coming home has been fun too. I realize that it is the balance between work hard play hard that sustains me and keeps me happy and motivated. Maintaining and keeping that balance however is often much harder than it appears and takes a whole lot of planning and strategizing and going to bat for what I want for my family and me.

But coming back to my kids has been so nice. I realize how just normal everyday stuff is so precious and important and puts big smiles on my face:

Like Beauty parent teacher meeting. Seeing Beauty in her element sitting there glowing with the praise of her teacher. He teacher this year is THE coolest person ever. Talks about boys and kissing and watches all the PG movies and not just the G ones and discusses them all with her students. She is sent from the heavens this young woman and we love her. Seeing the relationship between her and our daughter was amazing. The synergy, the love, the pride, the honesty.

Made me realize the importance of the influence of other roles models in our kids’ lives and how what we see of them is only part of them. There is so much more to their lives beyond our family and as they get older this piece increases and grows.

Seeing Bear.He was in a bit of a crappy mood before we left for a few weeks and difficult and a bit distant. We come home and he says “I am done now. Finished with that part. I think I will have puberty soon-look at my zits!!! (All excited). He is just such a beautiful, beautiful, kind hearted (stubborn, difficult, demanding) person. There are parts of me that look far into the future and see this son as a man and our lives together…I can see it all so clearly.

Chase who sent me an important text saying we needed to speak and that he was unhappy with me. Moi??? Took him 12 hrs to admit that his friend told him about his surprise bday party for 16^th skiing an told me that he was not happy I had planned this.AT ALL. Of course I am thoroughly disappointed..,but I was proud that he stood up for his needs and asserted himself and gave feedback in a direct and proper manner. And he told me basically the rules of adolescence and parents with friends. Never ever text his friends and it is so not cooI . I learnt a lot last night!!!!

And this morning at cottage taking a weekend to reconnect as a family. A big family cuddle in bed…going out to have Chase drive on small streets…..planning X-mas lists….family fire talks with various shifts mom and dad have come up with in the family on vacation as always that they will roll their eyes too…We are the Miller’s movie tonight…Mexican for dinner in the kitchen…..making snow rails in the snow……a game of Clue..lots of homework….a bunch of work and emails for catch up for me by the fire….

Life is good, whether on vacation or off vacation. With it’s many challenges and obstacles…and wonderful moments. I love it all and will take it all.

I have a big new role at work now too that I just begun. And I realize that everything surrounding it is exactly what I need right now. I am ready to take on a whole different ball game….but not ready to leave the family to far behind me either. Both my work and my family will remain a massive focus for the next 4 yrs. Status quo with a whole lot of new enhancements.

I am exactly where I need to be. Took me a whole to realize but I am here. And here is the best place I could be. Sometimes my wanting can get ahead of my needing if I don’t stop myself. But the want and need are unified and will stay that way for the next few years.

A series of good decisions and outcomes.

 

I realized on my trip that this blog has really made a difference in my life. I may use it differently than others (not comments much except for emails, don’t comment much on other’s blogs except friends, don’t connect blog to social media etc..) but it has served a big purpose in my life the way I use it and it is being honest about my life and where I am and where I want to be. It has been a self-discovery tool with a lot of traffic for me …fun to see others following my journey….without the big commitment of responding back and forth that always turned me off of blogs in the past (except for with close people who I love commenting and discussing blogs with but no time for strangers at this stage of my life).

Thank you Savvy for the introduction (and I was a tough one as I was so resistant and negative at first) to this new world for me

The 7 letter Word

 

 LEAVING.....

Tomorrow that is. We will get up super early to both soak up the last rays of sunshine before our plane and to get our bodies back on track with being woken up by alarms and up early.

 

 

 

 

This felt like our best vacation ever (although we pretty much always say that about our vacations and our cottage vacations too) Guess that is a good sign right that we like our life? Also we met many people here and various people commented that we also seem to love our jobs and that surprised them…that is a good sign too I guess? I am so happy for Hubby that over the years-he has gotten back to a place of enjoying his work again especially in the new office.

Best 10 moments

-realizing that we love this condo almost as much as the one we rented here for the last 5 yrs.

-the privacy of the balcony and the bed out there

-Lou’s parting words!!!!

-Conch tour and a second free conch tour

-Amazing double shower room (vs. shower stall) so incredibly cool

Amazing books including “End of your Life Book Club” and decision to start up my own bookclub of just me and my Mom!

-The amazing meals cooked every day and every night by Hubby

-Tacos at Somewhere café and lime margaritas

-Chairs on the beach

-Floating in the pool

-Romance and Love with my guy that cooksJ

 

Few things learned here:

That we are resistant to change but we can do it!

Those dogs are scary in on a deserted beach!

What is important to us in case of a fire!

Vulnerability is the true sign of true love and a badge of honor. It is hard!

Getting off email and texts for a week is really good for the soul. Coming back on for an hour a day to texting and personal email is also good for the soul! Checking work a few times here and there and responding is also fine in the second week!

We know how to do vacation…honestly we have it all figured out in this department@!

We never really want to retire…just take more and more vacation as time goes on!

 

Things we are looking forward to back home

Seeing our babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hugging and kissing them!!!

Seeing my Mama Bear!!! She has a mild concussion believe it or not that she got on our first day here and we found out about the second week L((((((

Ski season!!!!! (That is one season we would never go on vacation during!!)

Weekend at the cottage with kids catching up and watching movies and making homemade pizza!

Doing the Shift and eating differently!

Starting my new role at work which I am starting to feel excited about!

Going on next vacation! Will be a first as without Hubby. I am going with my Mom and Soulkeeper to Dominican Republic later March. I have ever been away with girls except for weekends. Most of my girlfriends have taken week long trips with other girlfriends and I have always thought “one day I want to do this”. The time has come and I am super excited. Big travel year for us (well me)

Anyways I loved every moment of this luxurious vacation and   I love Turks and Caicos. I thoroughly decided this vacation that this is the best place on earth and this is the beach for us. I would come here 5 times a years if I could.

Bye bye Turks and Caicos!!!!!

xoxoxoxoox