Little Girls

 

They are so not little anymore …but in my mind they still are.

I have 5 of them at Trent this weekend for Beauty’s all weekend skiing bday party (plus our two boys of course). It is wonderful.

I remember wanting a girl more than anything in this world since I was a little girl myself. I did everything possible to make sure that happened .I got the girl. Then I realized for many years that having a girl is very very similar than having a boy (very different too-but so so so similar in the closeness and love you feel for them). I would say in some ways I am a better boys mom even than a girls mom. This was weird for me for years having yearned for a girl for so long and then having her and seeing her almost like a boy? Not much difference?

But I seem to work backwards than the world around me with my kids. Whereas most cherish, adore the baby and young child stage ….and then find the teen’s tween stage turbulent and difficult: I am the opposite. I love love love the baby stage but then age 18 months to about 7….like but not adore…7-12 easy peasy for me…and tween and teens (so far anyways) adore although admit very difficult. So far newborn and this stage are my faves.

And the whole girl thing follows suit..it it NOW that I see the whole why I needed a daughter so badly thing. It is so fun to see Beauty get gifts we can share! We go to Target together and shop! I love staying up late in bed with her friends and making each other laugh! I love that she is growing little boobies!!! (In a total normal way..just so cute!) I love talking to her about being in love with boys! I love that we share shoes! I love that . I love it all.

And most of all I love watching her friends and her grow. It has been one of my deepest pleasures in my life. I love these 5 girls from the bottom of my heart.

They are all here this weekend “the girls” who I have talked about so often. Since grade 1 they have been a clique that is indestructible despite its many ups and downs. Beauty has many many other friendd but when it comes down to it it is always always the 5 girls. It still is. And I adore them. They are the kindest sweetest, most self-confident, most beautiful, adorable, sarcastic group I have ever seen. These girls have some serials talent and some serous balls and they all have their unique roles in the groups. I feel so honoured to watch them flourish so closely over the years.

This weekend is no exception. All total ski bums and many competitive skiers and après ski experts in the Jacuzzi. Rolling in the snow in their bikinis with hot chocolate afterwards by the fire. Making video starts after video stars. Movies. Zebra themed decorations and dinner. Cupcake decorating after dinner and the colors they made! Turquoise form the ocean, lilac of flowers, sunshine petal yellows….the decorations on these things OMG. And they take their time and effort to do it perfectly ctly and well. I love girls.
Chase who missed many days o school because of his eye injury got them all to do his art project while he studied for 4 exams. It was hilarious and he was so impressed with their amazing work. Four years younger but all so artistic. I allowed this:)

 

Then I hid the elf which was the hit of the night. Treats Balz held and little notes of love for each of them with what I love most about each girl. They treasured this. Then we all got in my bed at night and I made each of them laugh and we had a contest who could hold out the longest. Pretty much all I have to say is “pee poo or bra” and they lose right away! Or my fave””don’t mess with me Cassie!  Or “Wanna take this outside Charlotte????” And I pretend I am mad at them and make my face all mean. They all lose it right away!

And then this morning they are up and doing skits (did this all my life) and are pretending they’re brides and grooms. Snowbalz the elf proposed. This goes on for hours and hours and hours. The plays, the dances, the music, the; laughing. These girls are my definition of true true BFF’s. . I don’t think you could get better than this or closer if you tried.

And then I feel sad in my heart as I always do when I feel joy. When I feel such closeness. When I see it and experience. It was no different last night….I loved every ounce of those girls..and then in my heart I know it will change …I know it will take a different form. I almost left my bed because it saddned me so….I almost didn’t want to invite them back because I knew that one day they would not be as close as they are today. And for some reason that feeling wants to make me run far far far away.

But I don’t. and I allow the joy to wash over me and my life because it is here right now. In the present. And it is my daughter’s joy to hold and to change if it needs to.

Maybe it will change in highschool. It probably will and it probably needs to as a clique has many advantages but some disadvantages too and can limit them growing with others .Change is always going to happen isn’t it? It’s one thing in life that hurts me when I love what is already there.

Anyways I am so desperately happy that I have a girl. I see what it brings to my life and it is something I need for whatever reason that is and something I always needed. I am glad I knew this about myself.

Last night the girls played a game and included me where they talked about in what ways they were similar to their Moms and in what way they were different. It was so funny to hear it all from their perspectives as I know all their Moms very well. Going to bed that night Hubby and I also played the same game and talked about the similarities and differences we see in them with their Moms both in looks and in characters.

And then we talked about Beauty. We are very very different. We also out of all my kids have the hardest time emotionally together in some ways. But at the core..and the core gets stronger every year..This is totally my girl and we have so much in common.

The top three:

1-we know what we want in life and go for it and nothing (literally nothing) will stand in our way

2-We are both very “natural” girls. We will choose skiing over nail polish. Our hair will be our pride but can be stuck up in a messy ponytail most of the time. We can wear mismatched clothes at the cottage as well as we can wear a fancy dress that we slip on and walk out the door in. My daughter and I are two pees in a pod for this style thing. We either have a lot of it..or we have none of it at all (and seem to be able to pull it off!)

3-Deep friendships are the music of our lives. Friendships take front seats alongside many other important things in our lives. We both have a ton of love to give and to receive.It was always like that for me (and still is) and it has always been like that for Beauty (and I imagine always will be)

 

 

 

 

Pomegranates, Greek Yogurt and Elves

This last week as I am in the process of personally feeling that the earth has been pulled from beneath me…my kids are a whole other story.

My kids are superstars.

Yes I am pulling out my bragging rights (it won’t last so don’t worry). These kids seriously impress me these last few weeks. For one in school. OMG. All of them are just so dedicated and organized. We give no help to anyone of them ever….and two out of three are doing harder work in high school than I did in University. They run the show –all of them when it comes to their academics. Occasionally they ask us here and there to test them on the 400 concepts they have to memorize for science but they are totally autonomous and doing really well. And this is something that they created for themselves (and with our training and training for yrs. on the skill of autonomy). It did not always come naturally to them. They all rock.

Pomegranates. Ya the fruit. We buy about 10-12 a week now. Ya the fruit that takes 20 minutes to prepare before you eat it. My daughter sets her alarm 15 mins early every single morning and eats one. She declines social events afterschool to come home and eat another one. The boys are picking up this habit too now. Pomegranate is a popular nickname in our home.

Which brings me to Greek yogurt. Especially lime and pomegranate flavor. Ok I am almost poor at 1 dollar a little container of yogurt. I kid you not Chase eats five per day every day. The other two eat two a day. They love Greek yogurt. I am poor.

Which brings me to Elves. Yes we hide him most days before X-mas like the rest of the world leading up to Dec 25, but it is my elves that make the biggest difference. Earlier this year we went from housekeeper 1.5 days per week to a cleaning service that comes in only once every two weeks now. There’s a gap there of a whole lot of laundry, a lot of tidying, dishes, toilets to be cleaned and gifts to be wrapped. Especially that we have two homes and go back and forth weekly. There is a huge pleasure of having four season cottage but also a big sacrifice of time and energy that goes into maintaining it.

My family has stepped up to the plate and I feel my heart full of pride. I told you it is a bragging post! I don’t care if I come off today arrogant…I need to be uplifted right now and I will be in writing this.

The girl wraps I tell you! And folds! Beauty!! OMG! The other day I came home and she had cleaned the entire kitchen (dishes unstacked, stacked, fridge cleaned out, all Tupperware’s sorted and put way) without being reminded. Last night she offered to wrap Xmas gits and they look like Martha Stewart has wrapped them. Her folding is getting better daily..the girl handles loads and loads of laundry by herself and folds dancing happily to music.

And Bear….well he started with owning two zones and now he just owns them all. Bear is a power machine. Everyone should have a Bear.

And Chase well he studies. A lot. And does his little 3 chores. But then on weekends and holidays we put him to work and his favorite are cleaning toilets surprisingly with rubber gloves on (who has this as their fave?). And he loves vacuuming.

All that to say losing the extra help was one of the hardest logistical things we have done in a while. It changed the way we run the family and homes completely. But like anything else difficult it has been an amazing thing too..to see my kids access the elves in themselves and give those parts and skills in them the space to flourish. I find domesticity very creative in many ways..very artistic…my daughter makes it all like a dance in many ways-I love watching this (and don’t get any ideas that she does not whine and complain..She does) but when she realised she has not choice she does it very artistically.  And although I am no domestic goddess by far…I have “a domestic flow” going that I have never had in my life. And I quite like it too-shockingly. There is nothing that can keep your mind off of problems better than working your ass off at work and then coming home and working your ass off at home. And then sleeping.

 I love seeing the seeds we planted so carefully for so long growing. Becoming. Being. It’s like everything I had hoped for my kids is happening…in the school work, the housework, the autonomy, the confidence and especially in the pomegranates.

If you want that yummy fruit-you must put the effort and put up with the mess. You need to work at it if you want it.

Live on Pomegranates!

PS-thank you to all close to me who lovingly wrote me about my post “Falling from Grace” Very subtle of course to protect confidentiality, but very real. Your tenderness makes the difference and your confidence in me too. I will come around soon and bring you in. For now the falling is the place where I need to be. Landing is next.

Falling from Grace

We all fall from something at some point don’t we?

It’s just life that works like that. We all climb and we all fall at some point form something big. And hopefully we recover.

But it’s how we fall that defines us fully.

And how we choose to fall from the graces.

It’s our turn now.

Let’s hope everything I have learnt along this crazy thing called life…… I remember and put into place the very best I know how.

 

 

Au Noir

We have wanted to try out this restaurant for years now. A few things prevented us: very pricey, too far, and one of our kids is claustrophobic (almost) .

We did it last night for Beauty’s family b-day celebration. Since losing our housekeeper this year we made the big decision that all b-days for the next few years would be celebrated at restaurants (we hardly eat out at restos as a family-very occasionally or very cheap restaurants). Now on their birthdays, each kid gets their pick of nice places (rule: has to be something new)

And Beauty chose Au Noir!!! A restaurent run for the blind for us seeing people which assimilates what life is like for a blind person. Man oh man was this an experience. It was truly amazing. And stressful too at first. Two out of three kids (including the bday girl were so stressed it was crazy and babyish!!! They were all fighting and bickering in car out of pure stress.

Chase considers himself claustrophobic in many ways (which he can tend to be), but in our family stuff like that is not really tolerated. “Get over it” is a common expression to be heard in our home. Chase actually asked the waiter what to do if an emergency in the dark and told him he felt claustrophobic and might have to leave. Good assertiveness at least!!!!!

It was a crazy and wonderful experience walking into a resto and eating in complete pitch dark. Certainly heightened the others senses. We had a few mishaps...my Mom ate the plastic container of butter in her breadbun….most of the time we ate with our hands….we all worried about choking and how they would possibly help us ..And on the way out we had a group of prostitutes ask us what we would bring out children to a restaurant with a bunch of perverts in it and asked if it is a sex center. What??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I guess the name of the resto and the dark blinds freaked her out a bit?

Other than that Chase overcame his fear and said he wants to go back for his birthday with all his friends (not! No more money)...Beauty had a flintstone sized rib as her meal…..Bear loved the dark as he could make all his eccentric faces with no one chastising him at the table…..I nearly feel asleep in my plate…my Mom for once was not the slowest eater (she was actually the fastest)..And my husband seemed to like this a lot and would make a great blind person I think.

The best part of the evening was when Beauty softly joked that what she loved about eating in the dark was that she could pick her nose (a joke of course!!!) and she had no idea the waiter was standing right beside her listening until she heard him burst out laughing. LOL!!! Beauty cried she was so embarrassed poor girl.

The food was delicious...the waiter adorable and the company wonderful. The concept creative, inspiring and  part of the money goes towards a good cause. I realised that seeing food is very important for me (as I want to know what I am eating). If ever I become blind I will lose weight pretty darn easily!!!

And all over really really nice evening after an especially stressful week.

 

 

Happy 12th Birthday Crumpet!!!

 

Never ever suspected I would have a competitive skiier in our family!!!!!

 

Beachy Girl..Trouble….Renesmee.. Beauty..Cocotte…

 

It’s your special dayJ))

Woken up early by us all in her bed, birthday basket with sparkly X-mas tree, not surprise book, lots of fun gifts, cards from brothers, candy poster with loonies, shopping spree to target on Monday night, evening tonight with Didi and all of us at “Au Noir” restaurant for the blind and run by the blind!!! Big birthday bash next weekend with all “the girls”  Saturday and Sunday skiing at the cottage.

 

Beauty spells out all her name in pankakes..one letter at a time...one name at a time..thankfully has a middle name:)

 

 

 

A new fish last night and aquarium (not for bday but for all the work it took over 6 months to study for high school exams!!)

 

Our first pet!!! Welcome Cotton Eye Joe!

 

 

We love you darling girl

 

Top three moments this year that I experienced with you:

 

1-Your newfound independence..walking home with a huge gang..stopping at Dad’s office all the time..biking to pool..etc

 

2-Your face when you found out you got into your schoolJ))

 

3-Boys! Boys! Boy Crazy!!!!

 

 

 

 

Healing

Oh how bodies heal don’t they?

Everything is a process..a package…all tied up to everything else.

When something goes wrong in the system it seems as though it will never be right again. But for the lucky ones it all returns to normal at some point.

Even our hearts do. Time truly does heal most matters of our body and soul. Not all but most.

Our bodies never cease to amaze me still-the process of pain. Of healing..of recovery. Both from the physical standpoint and the mental standing.

So much of pain is also in our psyches. Do we let anxiety take over? Do we try to try to find cures to our ailments? Do we seek comfort? Revenge? Silence? Exposure.

The body has a process. Sometimes we own it and sometimes we don’t.

Same with our hearts.

Healing is always around the corner…we just need to seek what heals us exactly?

What is the secret? Our secret? The formula.

Health—the only thing to covet really. The only real wish.

When  it is taken away…momentarily even…for a day..a week..a year or decade..the goal seems to be able to just get it back.

 

 

Silence Please!

I don’t know about your kids but sometimes (often) mine really get on my nerves. There comes a point that I just want them to be quiet and shut up..and I keep waiting fort that point to come!

Aren’t tweens and teens supposed to want to spend a lot of time looking sullen and by themselves in their own rooms alone? Not my kids! Not ever!

There just comes a point of any week or weekend where I have heard enough of the whining, the screaming shut up to each other and the..”I didn’t stack the dishwasher badly HE did!” Gets on my nerves. And when I know they are not off to school the next day either in routines it is even worse. One home on bed rest now and one off on a professional day…nice to start a Monday with a day off of school eh? Do these teachers ever work??

Problem with tweens and teens too is that there is no start and end to a day. It’s not like 8:30pm really comes around anymore and I can tuck them in and beddy-bye. If it is a non-school night they stay up later than us and if a school night often now they do homework way beyond their set bedtimes. What am I supposed to say “No more homework allowed??

But I crave silence like most people crave alcohol and coffee. I need it.

I hate loud sounds. I hate loud noises. It was a real issue when I had three kids under the age of 4 at home. And every day since actually.

And my kids are not quiet at all. Not at all.

So it’s not all sunshine and roses ok over here? My daughter is driving me bananas these days and I keep looking for diagnoses on the Internet of what could be wrong with her. Although I am so thankful my son is not blind., I secretly wish something could have made his voice blurry instead of his eyes in the last few days. And my middle son is just too diplomatic. Always trying to explain to me when I am irritated how he tried to control himself or was not part of this or that. I am not in the mood for discussions and lesson child-go to sleep!

All I want to to is go back to the beach.

(And yes I am still grateful for them all I am just in a crappy mood. Also WTF? Why does my period now come 6 days early or 15 days late? Enough hormones. Calm down! Go away!. )

PS we also this weekend on top of everything going on here put up an X-mas tree, baked all the /Christmas traditional  mocha desserts, made 5 meals, made some breakfast loaves for Xmas and hid an elf. I think we might have tried to  accomplish too much (well my husband did as I have been sick in bed). It literally feels that for the whole weekend the kitchen has been a complete mess and the dishwasher has been stacked an unstacked a million times (which it has). How much can a family eat??????? Are we pigs?

Just looking at this house cleaning, cooking, being merry is exhausting me….I know I know I am a real pain in the ass today. I will be better tomorrow:) By the time Dec 24 rolls around I will feel much merrier for certain. (after all the shopping and wrapping is done that is) Another task that tires me out just picturing all the work.