Landmarks

 

I remember in Turks and Caicos there was a day that my Protector and I set out on a long walk. Across the entire Island really. We had our water bottle and sunglasses and hat and sun protection. What we did not expect was the big storm that hit mid-way. It was really hard to keep walking back with the wind slapping us in the face and the rain pellets soaking us.

We kept walking and walking and walking and walking. At one point I started to complain and whine “are we there yet?” no matter how much I wanted to shut up…I could not keep the end in mind. It all just seemed too far away. Plus my back was totally hurting and I had to go to the bathroom. The last couple of miles….I was in a state.

At one point my Protector stopped walking and turned to me and told me something he had learned in a course that week…..

“Always have landmarks that keep you on track…that you feel proud when you reach.  Small accomplishments that you celebrate ” so look up ahead and see that pole not too far away on the beach with the flag? Say to yourself-I will make it to that pole. And then after that pole…then find another landmark like a buoy in the water and make it to that. After a while you will reach your destination.”

And so I did.

And so I am.

And just like that walk in Turks today in particular is a landmark for me of sorts. It’s a week later than the last time I looked and then it will be two and three and four.

Tiny steps that don’t feel tiny at all but that I know are leading us to the right place. Landmarks towards peace and happiness.

I think of my Protector today and I feel him with me on our walk on Turks. Striving  to see that next pole and flag and waiting until all the steps reach where we want to be….home.

Wanting and Needing

 

Last night Beauty slept in bed with me at the cottage. She had a bad cold and tossed and turned a good part of the night. In the morning I watched her sas she slept and woke ..slept and woke over an hours’ time. True to form as the dancer she is she stretched and stretched and stretched, Not the kind of stretching you and I would do-but a synchronized dance of muscles being used and stretched even though she was half asleep. She got her body ready for the day even thought she was sick. She realized what her body needs before the day became in in her sleep. She basically did a warm up in bed in her sleep-leg up in air and touching toes and almost the splits. I have never seen anything like it and learnt to much about my daughter.

 

At her ski competition yesterday my Mom came with us and commented that all the girl skiiers have the same build. All long and slim and muscular. I told her this was not coincidence-I think to do this sport you have to be mega in shape .I mean the girl with a cold trained Friday night until midnight on the slopes and competed all day Saturday. They need their bodies to be like this to be able to perform in that way.

And it got me thinking about want vs need. I have realised that in my life the best moments arise through the two being combined: I want to make cake pops with my daughter and I need to because she needs to learn to bake. I want to sit with my son and show him how to chop wood and he needs to learn to help with the fire. I want to call a BFF who’s grandmothers is in the hospital and  sick and I need to because she is hurting and needs me.

These are synchronicities. They are perfect.

 

But what about the things I need to do but do not want to? I need to exercise more but I would rather sit here writing this blog. I need to call a long lost aunt on her birthday but I don’t have any desire too-and pure obligation. I want to say here all day at the cottage but I need to get home early as there is a huge unexpected storm.

These ones hurt. Sometimes bad.

 

And then there is the wanting but not needing. I want to have a massage but I had one last week and don’t need one. I want to call my friend and talk on the phone but I need to shovel my car from under the snow. I want to talk my husband and tell him about the storm but I know right now that is not needed.

 

As I saw my daughter stretch in bed today unconsciously I realize how in tune whose is with her body’s needs. Her wants and needs are matched? Are mine?

And then being on the receiving end of something-it feels so much better when the person giving wants to vs needs too. That special birthday card or call you were not expecting-a late night text chat that makes you both feel good and almost pee your pants from laughing so hard, the neighbor who offers to watch you drive up the hill to make sure your car will make it. The friend who takes the kids skis back home. Not because they need to or feel obligated, but because they truly want to help you because it helps you..and it helps them feel good about their live and worth too.

And asking for help can be hard and receiving it even harder until you realize that it is a want and need for both parties. People want to be needed. You need to be wanted.

Again life’s most perfect synchronicity at play without any energy or thinking involved.

Over these few weeks I am keenly aware of my wants and needs perhaps for maybe the first time in my life. I feel like I am on a massive exploration and have no idea what I will find

Today is His Birthday

 

Really happy times

 

Daddy loves his girl:)

 

Today belongs to him in every way. We celebrated this morning with cinnamon buns and chocolate croissants before the kids went off to school.

I have a feeling this will be one of the most memorable birthdays my Protector will ever have.

We met almost 20 yrs. ago when he was 34 and I was 22 and now he is 54…..time passes. So many beautiful things to remember between then and now. And so many more to come.

Here are 54 things that put a smile on my lips when I think about my Guy over the years:

 

1-Him running into the bank when I passed out and saying “Pookie Bear! Pookie Bear!”

2-Him lying about that the hotel in Quebec got confused and only had one room on our second date.

3-The toilet in the hotel room on our second dateJ

4-How much he loved his Lockhart house

5-How he stopped smoking overnight for me

6-How he told me on our second date that if we got married he wanted me to be a stay at home mom. Ya right!!!!

7-How he was never sure he wanted kids but ended up being the best father alive (as in truly the BEST father alive!!)

8-Him dancing naked in front of windowsJ)

9-Him throwing down maps in frustration in Italy

10-Him saying “ok bonjour” to his Dad on the phone

11-His love of LDF and devotion to our old family cottage

12-The way he loved my white dress on our first date and told me

13-the way he said he would never marry an “English girl”

14-The gold Acura. God the guy has good taste and class

15-the fact that he was the top notarial student in Quebec in his graduating year and did not tell me until a few years ago!

16-the fact that he had a successful law practice and still does as of the age of 20!

17-The fact that he agreed to leave Lockhart and build our own home with me

18-Crying in empty Lancaster living rooms

19-Remebering the shock, joy, happiness and fear in his face when I announced I was pregnant with Chase

20-The moment he held our first son. I can remember every expression, ever word-it counted as one of the best moments of my life

21- His never ending long wedding speech

22-The way he immediately took to being a Dad and mastered it in what seemed like minutes

23-the way he buried all three umbilical cords at the old cottage near the old tree

24- The amount of shovelling snow he has done over a lifetime

25-Boca t-shirts

26 Cheap gray t-shirts

27-Pyjama pants after work

28-The day his second son was born and the expression on pure love on his face. The second moment I will never forget

29-Boats and tubing around and around and around

30-Chopping wood for fires

31- Always showing a strong interest in my work (even though he secretly wanted me to be a stay at home mom)

32-All our friends and family knowing that he is the most superior cook in the world

33-the big decision to move to Trent. Loving it after a while and now for forever

34-Obsessing about Bibeau Property

35-Obsessing about Vanasse property

36-Obsessing about Cartier property

37-His daughter being born and the look on his face and the sound of his voice when he called his Dad to tell him he had his little girl. The third moment of his life I will never ever forget.

38-Sharing our babies together and growing them into who they are today. Our babies –now teens -being by far the aspect that brings us the most close together.

39-His decorating style. His office is a palace and he did it all himself

40-the way he sat night after night in the hospital with his Dad as he died

41-The way he became the Uncle he was always meant to be

42-The friend he is to all our friends-the way he lets them in.

43-How he always signs his emails xoxoxoxoxo to my Mom

44-Him wrapping Chase over and over again in the green blanket like a little sausage

45-Smart property investments

46-Him jogging to the tip of the Turks Island to make a wish

47-Him obsessing about the kid’s acceptance to schools as much as me

48-All the homework help over the years

50-who he was-who is at this moment-who he will be

51-His courage

52-Love in Action

53-An example to his children

54-The way he looked at me earlier this week. The way his arm was strongly around my shoulders. The way he took my hand and held it tightly. The way he gave me everything he has to give. The way he has made my heart swell with pride. The man he is-the husband he is and the Father he is. Love in Action and not only words. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to the best Guy I know. The guy who walks the talk..sets and example for his children…takes such good care of his wife…and is always there for us.

Together. Yet separate.

Happy Birthday my Darling.

(pictures today wont upload!!! will put in another day-come back and see my handsome man)

 

 

 

 



A special and Bittersweet New Year 2013 bye bye

January 13 2014..a New Year Ahead

 

Changing Thoughts and Changing Directions

 

This week in particular I have been changing my frame of mind. For example I never thought I was a morning person but this week I told myself I have to be one and now I seem like I am. I took delight early this morning in watching the pink sky glimmer on the way to driving the boys and made a stop at gym early for a workout. It felt great and I will repeat this tomorrow just for the fun of it.

 

My husband always plays this really weird CD in the car when he drives the boys. It is “Perrus” of or something? Totally a Quebec French thing and usually as soon as I hear it I go crazy and want to turn it off. Today I and the boys played it and I laughed out loud at it! We were carpooling and had another kid in the car who is french too-I hope the CD is not offensive or pornographic or something. Since in Quebec French I really have no clue. Oh well.

 

And then there is the garbage and recycling I have decided to be responsible for. It’s actually not that bad. I can’t say it is fun-but it is not that bad.

 

And today I decided I was a girl who took time to get ready in the morning and not shove my hair in a ponytail. I did nice makeup and eyes and did my hair nice. I put perfume on and a sparkly body lotion and really took time to look nice. I felt good all day and a really cute guy at work also told me I looked really nice with my dark hair (I interpreted that he meant I smelled good and looked sparkly of course )

 

And for some reason I thought that this week would be really hard..It is just one of those weeks but I find myself trying to add up all the small good things in a day and the sum of the makes this week more pleasant. Nice texts, a chicken soulvlaki, a kiss from my son, Downtown Abbey, a good magazine, a chat with a friend, loving my husband…a hot shower with cupcake body wash before bed. All the simple stuff.

 

And whenever I feel sadness I try and let it in and keep it there. And then change up my thoughts afterwards and not before. I think I am the most emotionally healthy right now I have ever been in my life. And I will grow even more-I can feel it. The space I am in right now is very very healthy and it keep going upwards. I am on fire.

 

 

I so deserve this-I have worked so hard. The fruits of years and years of labor are possibly coming to me?

 

And I can unblock toilets too

And I know how to salt a driveway

And I heat up lots of ordered meals. Really deliciously too.

(Hubby away for a bit for training for work)

 

I am becoming so “V” ..that “V” might want to become “T” soonJ

Anyway there are also a lot of big subjects I am changing my thoughts on. And that I have changed my thoughts on. And it makes a difference to change thoughts. I am so into the whole cognitive behavior method it is not even funny.

If I had a religion it would be CB (cognitive behavior among other things). I mean my Buddha is great and all but each time I go to try and pray to him I think to myself “I don’t need him..I need ME! But thank Buddha for reminding me) You are  cool anyways.

 

So going home now and will gas the car…and put the ski rack on car….will shovel driveway and put out garbage. Will likely unblock a toilet or two and start all over tomorrow. I could think this sucks-or I can think this is an opportunity. To get my hands a little dirty, wash off and go to bed with my yummy sparkling lotion on ..and get over it. This is life and life is full of changing thoughts and behaviors. I am sure soon cleaning up the puke (literally) will be coming me way.

 

I can either scream and cry and stomp my feet and never stop-or I can work on framing things in exactly the direction I need to move in.

Last night I went to bed in a panic and a sweat and told myself that in daylight I would be ok.

 

Guess what? I am.

 

I will never be the mouse in the maze saying “Who moved my cheese”. Because although I also love and cling to my old cheese-I am fully ready to take on new cheese too.

 

It’s time girl.

 

 

 

 

A Commune?

I am thinking that I should make our family a commune.

Yup as I write it I realize I am going to do it-it’s brilliant.

As you know I have a history of changing chores and allowance and the way we do this about three times a year. If there was a center for people with an obsession with this I would be there. My husband often comments that instead of writing about it so much and planning it why don’t I just friggin clean a toilet?

Good point. (I will deal with that in psychotherapy promise!!)

Anyways I realized that last night  if I was just really calm with the kids and said “lets’ all clean up together” as opposed to “please go clean up and tell me when you are done while I work on email”…there was a considerable change in attitude.

Shocking eh? (I suck in many parts of parenting. This is one)

Right now they get allowance according to responsibility and attitude and quality  of chores-after years of resisting this tying allowance to chores. I mean after all aren’t you part of the family and generally all pigs???

Anyways I digress.

From now on I will have a list of chores they are responsible for individually but at end of month a pot of money…(ok maybe not a pot but some money). The three kids will decide who gets how much!!!! Genius!!!!

This occurred to me when I have noticed that Beauty’s newly decorated room is soooo tidy and super organized but yet her towel in the bathroom is always on the floor-her clothes sometimes end up on counters in kirtchen. When I asked her about this she said “my brothers are too messy for me to care about family spaces”

 

Aha!

Commune. Yes. Won’t my husband be excited to see we have shifted chore strategies yet again???

All I Can Do is Imagine

On Friday I had a long lunch with an ex colleague of mine from years ago who was also a very close friend for many years. Our conversation and her trust in me profoundly touched me. She and her family are in crisis right now-and she came to me to listen and trust. Her husband left for in-patient rehabilitation today for alcohol addiction and the safe and comfortable world they have built together seems to be falling part quickly and rapidly. This family is you and it is I. Middleclass, professionals, 4 beautiful and thriving children. If it could happen them it could happen to us.

She trusts me as a coach,  as colleague and as someone who has some experience with alcohol to a certain much lesser degree, in that my husband drank a vodka a night for many years and he did not like the impact that over time this had and has tried to cut back in the last couple of years. So certainly I cannot relate entirely-but I have an understanding more than others might.

Therefore she asked me to imagine…really really imagine what she is going through. To truly emphasize in how this might feel for her today as she dropped him off for three weeks without contact, without certainly. Without him-the person she loves most in the world. And she asked me to write a blog about it for her to make it come alive through my own understanding

And so I did. My beautiful friend-this one is for you.

 

I imagine:

I imagine preparing for him all the things that I think might possibly hep to make it ok. Making a list of all the comfort and special things. Laid out on the bed is a shirt with my perfume on it and a little note tucked inside that they may not find or be able to take away. Painfully deciding together a symbol for each kid to keep them close for each of his children. A symbol also from each child they choose for him and give him to keep close to him…that he will treasure for hours and days in his darkest times of moments. Symbols of love from us all. My rock, the ducks, the one worry   doll to ensure it is only him he worries about with a heart shaped note that I am sure will be confiscated.

I imagine calling up the centre and asking if he can bring his own bedding with him. They will say no but I convince them anyway because he needs his own bedding. Soft, fluffy comfort. The stuff his kids had when they were growing up, soft covers from the cottage to envelope him, comfort him. I imagine they say yes in the end. At least he has that.

Going to Walmart and buying all the things he loves to snack on-the most expensive things and bags and bags of them that he can share with the people there less fortunate than him. Picturing him handing them out on their Saturdays and the Sundays probably the only days that there is allowed such treatsL. Picturing them sitting there the 12 men/ woman fighting for their lives back and enjoying this treat we would have sent. Smiling to myself as I know there will be joy in that moment. And that makes me smile to realize there will be some joy maybe for a moment?

I imagine the days before and how hard they are-the one on one date for each of the kids who are saying goodbye and not knowing what to expect in three weeks-in three months in three years. Hoping and praying it will be ok-but knowing and reading that alcoholism is the longest journey of a lifetime and seems never to have an ending or be complete. I am imagining him chopping wood with them, and taking them out to breakfast, crying with them and comforting them. Scooping up every last ounce of them before he goes.

I imagine all five of us outside at the cottage for more than an hour pouring all the bottles of any alcohol in the snow. Each making our own hole to bury them in-pouring and each taking our turn saying our bit. I can imagine the kids asking if they could swear while doing is and us saying of course. And the swearing in both languages and throwing-what a release of anger in a comical way the angry words roll off their tongues and laughing at them but knowing they are real and there. I can imagine us all out there in the freezing rain laughing and hugging and having fun even through such a difficult time. I can imagine leaving the champagne bottle at the end for celebration-of a brand new beginning and a new way of life each taken our time to pour and celebrate in the hole in the snow. I can imagine the kids hanging on to every word theirs Dad says-listening to every swear word….remembering this for the rest of their lives as a defining moment. Hanging onto and wanting to believe what he is saying. Needing to.

I can imagine me giving a speech about healthy drinking and that drinking is ok as long as it is not a need-stays as a pleasure. I can imagine the kids asking if we could pack away the beautiful vodka glasses Didi gave as a gift  in their past for when the kids move put, I imagine saying yes as long as I think they drink responsibly at that point. Isn’t there pleasure in alcohol at all? Is there? Shouldn’t there be? I imagine me and their Dad happily having sparkling water in them one day when when we vist them at their homes. It seems like so far away to get there..will it be?

Most of all I imagine each social event, each wedding, each occasion with my husband’s hand in mine-and instead of clutching a glass clutching each other tight. A toast with our own glasses and a special wink as only we will know what it has taken to get there.

And I imagine me. Alone. My best friend in the world leaving-going-when I need him most. Setting up counselling for the children, being courageous and setting up counselling for myself weekly with the toughest love counsellor on the face of this earth. Going back again. Going to hell to find heaven. Finding it in myself to do that even though those most challenging times. Being books to read and understand. Signing up for weekend courses for the spouses in a language that is not mine. Trying to support..Trying to accept…trying trying so hard.

And both inviting support and blocking it out. Allowing the people around us who love us to support us-but not really knowing how. Allow some of them in always-some of them in sometimes and some of them in never. And then starting over the next day again and again and again each day changing. Thinking how did my beautiful , secure wonderful amazing marriage now become the one people analyse, pull part, try to put back together, find fault in, truly seek to understand and fix and help with. Am I not the expert on family? Are we not the mentors in this? Are we not what people aspire too? Are we not one of the very few who have been together this long, and succeeded and got to this point? How is it us now that is broken and needing help and under the microscope? Don’t people know that when they talk about him to me as if he is a stranger to me that I don’t hear them? That it doesn’t make any sense to my ears?  This is my husband we are talking about..him..us…together..We know each other more than anyone else in the world……or do we? Doesn’t everyone around me know this?

But yet I understand it as much as I don’t want to. I hear it as much as I don’t want to. I feel it as much as I don’t want too. This is what love is-this is what support is…this is tough love and tough love is part of real unconditional love and support. And as much as I don’t feel I need this …I know I know. I need to know the truth. And maybe I don’t know parts of it and maybe they do. And I know for a fact I would do the same as all of them-I would give tough love and would give the truth. Simply because I love them and I want them to get better. That is what love is. You can’t just take the easy parts that I know for sure. You can’t just take what makes sense to you-as it is the things that don’t make sense that will help you most.

I imagine myself calling and setting up weekly counselling for myself and sensing a sense of urgency in the counselor’s voice. It scaring me that sense of urgency as doesn’t she deal in death and divorce and trauma? Doesn’t she see it all? Why is she fitting me in so quickly-shifting all her schedules and priorities? I imagine here saying “Tarina for the spouse of an alcoholic…it is just as hard for the souse as the person going into a program and so is the recovery later…this situation is often harder than anything else in the world….it is close to traumatic in many ways…and it is something you stay in and not leave which is even harder. Are you free tomorrow morning-you will need help”.  I picture asking her about marriage counselling together afterwards..and that surely the dynamic of the relationship will change and we need to deal with that tight? Handle it? And she sort of laughs a little and says”for now my dear marriage counselling is the least of your concerns and so are the dynamics of your relationship….you need to get thought his and so does he”.

I imagine that weekend before. The buttery chocolate homemade croissants in the oven, holding on for dear life, cuddling under blankets alone and shutting off all commutation. Getting used to be alone-but still being together still. The longer hugs, the anger, the acceptance, the betrayal-the closeness. The hope and the fear that it will never again be ok. The fear that it will. Locking the cottage and knowing we come back it might look and feel differently. What does life feel like without alcohol in it?

Losing control that weekend on a level that has never happened before. Losing control in a good way. Letting control go. Letting it all just be and flow-letting him take the lead maybe for the first time? The lamp on the road..the times to ski. The dinner to be made or not made. What movie shall we watch my Dear?  Preparing to get to the place where we can do fix TV’s and screw in lightbiubs together. Wearing my nicest lingerie and having no expectations, or anger or resentment. Wearing it.

I imagine us both staying up pretty much the entire night two nights before because time is all we feel we control. Looking at the clock and seeing 4:30am? And we are still in from of the fire?. I am still there reading the book I urgently had an instinct to buy on Friday and read every word as I knew it would make the world of a difference. I picture him asking me to read him three chapters by the fire. Read every word of what I learnt to him in an urgent way. And we discuss and discuss..and connect and connect and hope and hope that that book and shift in thinking makes the world of a difference. Isn’t it always a book that saves us in the end? Ending the night and bringing in the morning with a piece of lemon meringue pie before we sleep. Waking up and thinking “are we supposed to take the kids skiing today on our last day?” Could it be possible we are expected to act normally?

I imagine there would be no words to ever describe the hope, the fear, the pain, the shame and the pride. Words would never ever be enough I imagine.

So as I dropped him off and said goodbye… and as heartbreaking and sad and hard as that was-it had nothing on the last few weeks really of getting to that place. Of the deciding..and admitting..and sharing and waiting. We have always been way worse at making decisions than living them. We struggle much more with endings than we do with beginnings.

But now…I am Alone. And so is he. We have never been out of contact for more than 12 hrs in the last 19.5 yrs.

And I go back home and I look at the empty space where the blistex and lotion lay so carefully packed for him..and they are gone. I see his pillow on his side of the bed not there. I feel the book I bought not there, his robe not on the hook and his slippers disappeared.

And at the same time I can feel him unpacking in his own place, with the three other people in the bedroom watching. Envy perhaps of all the love that is there. The frames he carefully choose to bring from the office, the notes of love they will take away because of the no contact rules, the note hidden in the perfumed shirt. I feel him resisting, growing changing and angry even in those first steps of unpacking. Yes anticipating. And somehow I just know that in the end it will all be ok. Somehow..Somewhere.

Because we have hope and faith. Not in a higher power-but in each other. In ourselves and in one another. We are the higher power of our lives along with the powerful universe. We want this. We will get this. This is the real thing people.

Mostly I would imagine that the only hidden jewel in crisis for a family is that everyone gets to see what everyone else is made of. We all get to see the meaning of cooperation..the meaning of love…the meaning of sacrifice and devotion..we get to feel it and not just to talk about it. Lucky us right?

 

And looking at that empty space in my bed. On my bed…where his slippers and smell once were and knowing that I have to fill them up. With what shall I choose? Who will I be? I can imagine filling theses spaces with beauty and love and affection and peace. I can imagine filling my bed and my heart with peace. And how will I do that? Will I be able too? I will be certain to also be a different woman when he gets home too-I must be-we have always run the race together and I have no intention of being left behind. I will fill that space in the way I want to..I need to. I will fill the empty space with courage and hope and love and devotion. Will I?

I can only dare to imagine. It’s all I can do. I can make my imagination as real and as authentic as Grace wants me to-but it’s all in my imagination. As this is not happening to me..to us. It’s happening to someone else…but could just as a easily be us Alcohol is  poison really and one that takes over very very very quickly and slowly for millions of people in the world. It takes over when you least expect it. But it isn’t for us..not yet anyways. And so for now I will imagine that this nightmare-and this overwhelming beautiful and hard moments are happening. But not to me.

Grace will be wrting a guest post for my blog next week (she has her own blog too!). She will share her journey will all of us because we are trying our best to imagine… you..and I really have no clue at all.

 

 

Experience as (the only) Teacher

 

I have come to realize after many many years of resisting this concept…that experience is really the best and only teacher.

You could tell your kid ten thousand times that his hands will freeze if he does not wear gloves in -40 below weather..but frankly until his hands freeze he actually won’t give a crap.

And in today’s society of treating our kids as little princes and buddhas and gods and trying to protect them from all harm out there..and manage their loves ..and their values, is certainly does not help them experience life. But we all do this now…scream at the coach who screams at them…text the bully who calls them names….force them to go to their confirmation classes at church weekly to sure they get to be confirmed …fight their battles for them.

And go to bed in silent tears when we know our kids are unhappy. And think of anything we can possibly do to prevent their unhappiness next time and fix it up this time.

Completely opposite of the generation before us-our parents-who I am quite convinced barely looked at our report cards at the end of the year. So something big happened in the last two decades didn’t it? And something that will not have a positive effect in my opinion for our kids in the future.

I saw this in action with Beauty the other day. We went shopping at a big mall-she had her own errands and I had mine. We each had phones. Normally as a 12yr old a  non brainer..Meet at a meeting point and check in by phone often. Except Beauty went missing three months ago and we had a security team after her. Traumatic and memorable.

 

So we tried again..and man this girl was on the ball! (so were her two brothers who spent 20 mins with her prior explaining all the rules, showing the phone, testing the phone, charging the phone, lecturing her over and over ) God I love big brothers. So she was amazing……amazing…..it was phenomenal to watch this…for her to have connected her past experience..change her actions and adjust behaviour..all on her own. She is now a role model for safely in shopping centers!

And I see it with my boys too. I am so less grating on their nerves and interfering in their lives only a quarter of what I used too. (except for chores!) I let them live their lives now for the most part with guidance and support and comfort. I watch and listen and learn…and I see them grow. It is quite amazing-I honestly can’t believe I got there. With school too-fully on own..their marks and results belong to them. What a difference this has made in their lives. They finally all truly truly truly care. Because they fully own it.

We are finally doing family celebration for Chase  belated bday tonight at a resto with my Mom and Chases invited two friends on his own because he decided not cancel his 16^th b-day party. He came up with this solution and owned it (even though he knows that we don’t invite friends at family dinners for bday). But he is 16 now and has his own ideas of what traditions should be like, and what he likes. He figured if I was wil ling to spend $400 on skiing certainly I would pay $75 extra for his two friends for dinner. So he made that decision and went for it. Interesting…and shows confidence.

 

Shows that I am not the one own making decisions around here anymore! Which is different but definately good.

And my husband too is having a lot of experiences lately he is learning from too..and I see what it does for him….how hard it is…but what strength and confidence it brings.

And trust me I am learning too,.,a lot.  Today I even felt sorry for people who don’t go through big big things in their lives as they don’t get to have pain for long term gain! Talk about rationalization eh?

Last week at the cottage I snuggled up on a chair and had an hour long conversation with a friend who is much more in the “I have to run my kids’ lives mode” and I listened..and sympathized…and I have been there…..and am still partially there. I heard her over and over making decisions for them all, thinking they were the right ones, hoping they were more like this..or more like that…..but she was realizing it wasn’t working for her. The kids are resisting-rebelling-wanting something different than the life she has carved out and hoped for them. And she was calling for advice as she knew I had been there myself.

My advice? Come complete with their capability as much as you possibly and humanly can. Believe in them. Let them fail exams . Swear sometimes. Experiment and see the outcomes. Try out behaviors and see what happens. Trust their instincts. Ignore your own much of the time. You have taught them well and now it is time to let them soar under your careful guidance and support. So far this has been working for us…crossing my fingers it sticks!

 All that so that ultimately they can be set free. Which as sad as it is ...is ultimately the role of parents.