Ridiculous life

Ridiculous life and no time to edit. sorry!

By the time anyone reads this I will be safely in the air for our trip! I did not want to worry my mom..or my BFF’s or even my husband with this craziness..so they can read it when I gone and having fun and they know I am happy and safe by then and well enough to go.

 

Never a dull moment around here!! At 2:45pm this afternoon wearing high heeled boots I tripped and fell and sprained my ankle!!!!! Before a two eek walking trip in Europe! I am thrilled it was not broken it hurt a ton and I was sure it was. But it is just sprained thank god. It hurt like hell though and shooting pains up my back and head but now minute by minute feeling better with just a limp and dome discomfort vs pain. PhewJ) that is why I am blogging 2 hrs. Before I leave for airport as I am icing it and elevating it.

And I am telling no one as not to worry anyone. I am so sick of complaining anyways about so many misfortunes. It is honestly laughable at this point. I told Hubby and the kids it hurts a little. That is it as they wondered why I am limping! Ya right a little! Thanks god I am good at tolerating pain. Having three 10 lb babies lets a lot of other pain mild in comparisons.

 

Today was CRAZY!!! Beautifully crazy though. Beauty’s scoliosis journey segment needed more footage and so we did it here at lunch. Beauty and her friend interviewed, me interviewed, furniture moved, hair done, lighting. Camera action retakes. Gave me a real taste of how much work it all is!!!! Amazing work though. They are coming back yet another half day in two weeks to do more. Videographer said he would film normal like, Beauty dancing, boys with Beauty outside, me cooking in kitchen (good luck with that one!!!-better stick around a loooong while).

 

He also asked me if ever he wanted to do a touch up on me would “I mind”? Mind? Please do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take every blemish and mark off off me and little wrinkle and while you are at it shave my hips and butt!!!! He said he thought I was beautiful naturally and that some women take it as anti-feminist to do any brush up. Hahahaha!!! Cleary I am not a feminist! I guess!

 

And such beautiful tapings..I even made him cry.

At end we were both in tears so proud of the third take o interviews, smiling and proud and he tells me to get off chair to take microphone off of me and I trip and fall on wire and my boots!!!! There I am in the floor in tears and he is going to find ice in my freezer!!!

 

So then I hobbled my way back to work and tried to work and type with iced foot on other chair elevated. Hard to reach a computer that ways.

Anyways life is ridiculous. And lovely. Unpredictable and wonderful. And now I am off to Europe pretending I don’t have a limp and with a smile on my face.

By the time anyone reads this….I will be perfectly ok.

 

Bye!!!

Ridiculous life

 

By the time anyone reads this I will be safely in the air for our trip! I did not want to worry my mom..or my BFF’s or even my husband with this craziness..so they can read it when I gone and having fun and they know I am happy and safe by then and well enough to go.

 

Never a dull moment around here!! At 2:45pm this afternoon wearing high heeled boots I tripped and fell and sprained my ankle!!!!! Before a two week walking trip in Europe! I am thrilled it was not broken it hurt a ton and I was sure it was. But it is just sprained thank god. It hurt like hell though and shooting pains up my back and head but now minute by minute feeling better with just a limp and some discomfort vs pain. PhewJ) that is why I am blogging 2 hrs. Before I leave for airport as I am icing it and elevating it.

And I am telling no one as not to worry anyone. I am so sick of complaining anyways about so many misfortunes. It is honestly laughable at this point. I told Hubby and the kids it hurts a little. That is it as they wondered why I am limping! Ya right a little! Thanks god I am good at tolerating pain. Having three 10 lb babies leaves a lot of other pain mild in comparisons.

 

Today was CRAZY!!! Beautifully crazy though. Beauty’s scoliosis journey segment needed more footage and so we did it here at lunch. Beauty and her friend interviewed, me interviewed, furniture moved, hair done, lighting. Camera action retakes. Gave me a real taste of how much work it all is!!!! Amazing work though. They are coming back yet another half day in two weeks to do more. Videographer said he would film normal life, Beauty dancing, boys with Beauty outside, me cooking in kitchen (good luck with that one!!!-better stick around a loooong while).

 

He also asked me if ever he wanted to do a touch up on me would “I mind”? Mind? Please do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take every blemish and mark off off me and little wrinkles and while you are at it shave my hips and butt!!!! He said he thought I was beautiful naturally and that some women take it as anti-feminist to do any brush up. Hahahaha!!! Cleary I am not a feminist! I guess!

 

And such beautiful tapings..I even made him cry.

At end we were both in tears so proud of the third take of interviews, smiling and proud and he tells me to get off chair to take microphone off of me and I trip and fall on wire and my boots!!!! There I am in the floor in tears and he is going to find ice in my freezer!!!

 

So then I hobbled my way back to work and tried to work and type with iced foot on other chair elevated. Hard to reach a computer that way I tell you.

Anyways life is ridiculous. And lovely. Unpredictable and wonderful. And now I am off to Europe pretending I don’t have a limp and with a smile on my face.

By the time anyone reads this….I will be perfectly ok.

 

Bye!!! Long. Live. Life.

Things I need (and don’t need) in my life

(Some bragging here as have accomplished alot lately. If that irritates you pls don't read on..:))))

In the last 3 years I have been on a quest (which if you read this blog you will understand) ..to find peace and happiness. I have always had an abundance of happiness in my life in many ways and in some way not enough. In terms of peace in the last year is ironically the only time I have ever felt it. I knew for me these two elements were critical to experience my best life and like any other project I take on I don’t give up until I get it.

Three years later I am still on my quest which will probably be lifelong-but I am SO much further than I was three years ago…or even for the last 41 yrs. I am actually desperately proud of myself. Besides on this blog I rarely talk about this to anyone. But the work it has taken me to get from three years ago when I made the decision to change to now- is still shocking to me.

While working and being promoted. While raising three kids. While having unexpected health stuff toucher lives….while writing a book
(last chapter done last week!!!) And while living normal life too with all the normal ups and downs. I never thought I could do this. But I have. And I will..forever

So this year has felt a little bit like the grand finale…bringing my more physical/ esthetic needs into the picture where formally was based on more mental/situational etc.. I have come a long way. Yesterday from 6am to 11pm I worked a 10 hr day..Saw my chiro…saw my psychologist who is helping me so much during last 4 months and attended a two hour mindfulness/meditation/ yoga practice with my husband. And I got 8 hrs of sleep. I realized yesterday how far I have come.Each appt for chiro or mindfulness or psychologist I thoroughly resented.. I did not want to go. But the impact and benefits were plentiful. I chose the right thing. I amke a Series of Good Decisions (this is my next book total so shhhhhh!)

So here is my list of what I now know I need for sure in a day –a week…and a year. I am sure there are more but here is what comes to mind right now. As I read this I feel so happy as many of these were not easy for me..Required huge amounts of investments of time energy and money, and emotional and psychological energy from me. And I did them anyways.

I need to work at a career where I feel valued and autonomous. I need a large corporation with a high level career that mentally and socially stimulates me.

I need 7 hrs. of sleep during the week and 9 hrs  on weekends

I need to connect with friend and family by text many  days of the week

I need to walk outside each day for 25 mines

I need organization in my life. I always knew I needed agendas and lists and systems in house and charts but nebver knew I needed for organization day to day with dishes and beds and files and folders.

I need to have flexible working arrangements and be trusted to deliver with quality no matter what

I need to have dinner as a family at least 2 weekdays and two weekend days to feel compete

I need one hour a night with my husband to relax talk and watch TV. On weekends I need much more than this.

I need one on one time with each kid at least once a month

I need as many weekends as possible (aka 48) at the cottage to wind done and have some relaxation before the next week starts up

I need to be on a mild hormonal drug that regulates mood

I need to speak on phone or see a good friend or close family member at least once to twice per week

I need to see my Mom at least once a week in person or have a loooong conversation on phone with her

I need to do yoga or meditation at least 1-2 times a week

I need to lift weights two times a week

I need to pray when I am feeling helpless

I need to never gain a pound form this point of in my life and maintain my current weight and body. Ever.

I need to  most days feel like I have nice clothes and look pretty and stylish at work 

I need to have at least 14 days a year spent alone with my husband and away from the kids

I need to always have up to date photos framed and in albums and sorted for future pleasure

I need to tuck in my kids and lie with them in bed as often as possible

I always need to be married to a beautiful man who is totally family focused (thank god I love the one I have a he loves me).

 

I need to find space for relaxation even if 15 mins in any given day

I need to be there for my friends and family and them be there for me

i need to ask for help

I need to prioriotize and only give my attention to where it is essential and needed or where I feel it feels  good and worthwhile for me

I need to give good people the benefit of the doubt and forgive more easily

I need to eat good food every day and enjoy it. I need not to restrict myself too much in food choices for the next 5 years while I am working and raisding kids

I need to listen to the  news in my car

I need to wash my face before bed

I need to judge less and be less critical . I need to give people who are good the benefit of the doubt more often

I need to feel pretty showers gels on my body in the shower

 I need to get massaged and go in jacuzzis often

i need to ask for help more often and share my life more freely

 

I need to be near water very often

I need to hug, cuddle and kiss the people I love

I need to write something creative everyday

I need to read everyday

When in crisis I need professional help to get better

And then most importantly I need to know when I am doing too much. Our mindfulness course my Hubby is dropping out of as  killing us not to be home so many nights. Too much. We know when we need to let go of what we thought we needed. I  will stay in course  and he will go. Family decision. Sad but necessary

I need not to wear my lucky charm as much and trust the process more. And damn it I  actually do!.

I need to control much less. And damn it I have been able to!

I need to live in grey zone more often. And damn it I do!

 FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to indulge in the beautiful moments that make up life. Damn it I am well on my way!.

Ahhhhhh…the sweet feeling….of happiness ..peace and most importantly success.

And most importantly I have been able to keep this going through scoliosis of Beauty,  long term crisis with Hubby, major health crisis of mom, no help in house and a one woman show for 2 months, having the deadlines of book looming on my shoulders, son changed ADHD meds and many other normal things that disrupt life day to day  at work and homeon top of these biggies. Did I mention my eyebrow was burnt off by wax and it was so insignificant in terms of stress in my life I told nobody?

I have kept up yoga, , meditation, walks outside, connecting with friends and family, watching tv at night, reading, this blog, helping friends through crisis.and ps working 60 plus hrs a week often and raising kids. PSS. Staying married

I am walking the talk I teach others. I have been tested. Multiple times.My strategies work!I feel like the last 4 months was a huge life experiment. And I passed it. And feel more peaceful and happy.

And I feel that now I have the experience and credibility to stand up in a stage and teach something very valuable that I know I have successfully lived through myself. I want to stand up there one day and be credible and impactful  and SCREAM”

 JUST STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And: YES YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And the best part of this? I will stand up one day and shout that.

 

 

Last Great 6 Trip!!!

 

Hubby, Beauty and I are heading off for two weeks Friday night for a trip of a lifetime! Norwegian Jade cruise to Italy, Greece and Croatia. Some places we have been too but many we have not. So exciting. Soooooo pumped!!!

 

Each child has gone away for their alone trip in grade 6. Chase started with Paris for 4 days..Then Bear for 10 on a Mediterranean cruise and now Beauty 2 weeks! Does it always rock to be the oldest child???  Nope!

 

We love this concept (I invented!!!) so much that each trip becomes even better. The alone time is not parallel to anything for bonding and the price is right to have three vs five of us. Also these trips are not beach but cultural and educational. All our money goes to these big trips. We save and save. Or borrow and borrow!

 

Mom will stay home with two,  very happy boys excited to “have a break” for two weeks from us. Party time with Grandma I guess!

 

And we love this alone time with kids so much we are sure to carry this one into “1^st year CEGEP” alone trips". Chase has already said next time he gets two weeks and Beauty will get 4 days .Pretty easy to make me agree when comes to travel.

Travel is a true pain in the butt to prepare for, pack for, and come back from. But those weeks there???? Unparalleled adventure, moments and every penny and energy worth it.

This one in May is killing us workwise and school wise and everything else wise. Worst possible time to travel for your lives…BUT we are smart enough to put our priorities first and this is chance of a lifetime for us. And cruising in May or Sept only options for weather. Taking a line of credit for this trip was a bit over the top..but we don’t believe in doing what we love after retirement when we are too sick ( or dead) to start living the life that we want. We live NOW. ClearyJ)) hahah

 

So pray we have a good, smooth time?. We all deserve it. Seriously we deserve a break like this after a grueling 5 months. And pray too that Beauty can lose her tween attitude as just thinking of two weeks of that is making me scared!!!! I hope our sweet little girl..as opposed to our attitudy, ambivalent, distant tween returns for a litrle break:)))))

Funny

Remember when Beauty had her scoliosis presentation last week and I said I was so nervous I threw up twice in morning?


Well I found out Saturday that it wasn't nerves
(no I am no pregnant!!!_)


It was expired , bad, warm rotten juice. I was food poisoned!


That same damn juice (pinapple) we put on table Saturday lunch and a bunch of kid's friends here and one took a sip and spit it out.


Then Chase says:
"Why is that pinapple juice that was in my room for a year that I used for a project  on our table?"


And then he said "I put it on the kitchen  counter when I cleaned up my room and not the fridge!!"


OMG it was soooooo bad, that morning I had two sips and just thought to myself "this confirms what I thought -I hate pinapple juice" and then when threw up twice thought I was nervous for Beauty.


Anyways conclusion is: My son is a little idiot, I am an idiot too for being able to drink that and not realize anything was wrong and I am so thankful I was not totally food poisened enough to miss Beautys best day of her life!!!




PS-I will never drink pinapple juice again in my entire life.

Mindfulnesss

My brain is like a hamster well and an energizer bunny put together-it’s spinning 24 hrs a day always.

Quite simply it never stops.

I think that is what companies like about me and hire and promote me: it’s a guarantee I am thinking about them all the time. They are getting their money’s worth that is for certain. Over the last two years I have tried to slow down my brain a bit and stop it racing all the time. For a year now I take a very very mild medication for hormonal balance than that helps a ton. I also have a lot of rules around technology  and that helps a lot too to be more relaxed and not as connected.

However now I am ready for the grand finale of this and so is my husband. So we signed up for a really expensive Mindfulness course that is aimed at people with chronic stress or pain or both in lives. It’s costing is 1200 dollars and 8 Wednesdays without or family nights and family dinners. Also one whole Sunday off the lake and into a yoga studio.

It better be worth it.

(The jury is still out on that one).

But I am convinced we needed this so I pretty much forced my husband to do itJ

It’s one of the short term pain for long terms gain things. In time..in money..in energy. We took more than 100 hrs of parenting classes together over the years too..and it has paid off. Of probably anyone I know we are aligned as parents, still married and agree on almost all parenting methodologies etc..Clearly I think it was worth it. I know it made a HUGE difference in our lives, our children’s lives and our overall well-being as a couple and family. But it was hard at that time paying for it..getting a sitter for 3 hrs every Tuesdays. missing time out with our kids.

This course will be the same in the end. More than the content of it it is the alignment I am looking for. I want to speak the same language as my husband. My mom is in it too so all the better as all three of us raise our kids together. We all need to understand the method.

I think if you asked me what is the single most important advice I have for anyone parent in this world it would be to be both a short term and long terms thinker together at the same time. Master both. Be GREAT at both.Trust me if you aren’t life will catch up to you and be so much harder. Every decision you make has to encompass there here and now and 5, 10 and 15 and 20 yrs later . It’s the best gift you can give yourself and your kids.

Back to mindfulness course. It is a stress coping strategy well beyond yoga and meditation that are big component. But it is the philosophy of mindfulness that interests me.

Stuff like:

Everyone feels pain but suffering is a choice.

Understand that not deciding something is not a decision. And it definately won’t be peace you will get . Decide, accept and move on

Most people give up on meditation bc they say that can’t clear their mind. This course says each time it races, bring it back and that is just as good Like insomnia –if you can’ t sleep resting is much better than being up and about.

Stress less about the past and worry less into the future. Be in the present so much more often

Anyways lots of stuff I already know and need to be reminded so and put into practice and lots of stuff that I don’t know. This will be good. My husband is not convinced yet but that is fine. I know for both of us.

And what we need is a family coping strategy for now and forever. We will teach this to our kids-because really when the going gets tough the present is all you have. The smell of the soap-the feel of heat of the shower, the birds singing in nature, the snow on your feet, the embrace of your child, the little look across the table, your breathing . It’s all these moments together that make life worth living.

And this time? I intend to master mindfulness. And have my hubby master it too . It won’t just be a fluff thing for me…I am going for it.

 

Joy in the Midst Of

(beautiful picture should be inserted here but many issues uploading pics her lately...will do later)

There are moments you don’t ever forget in your life-that imprint themselves on your heart  and soul like nothing else. The birth of our children, our wedding, the days my kids got into their sports and dance programs at highschool..

Today I got to have one of those big moments. So did my daughter. In a BIG BIG day. I would even go as far as to say that today competed in specialness with the birth of my children! Because watching them being born is a miracle….watching that baby of yours grow up and perform at your work is just as much as a miracle.

Beauty was invited to the pharmaceutical company where I work to do a scoliosis presentation and dance performance . She was interviewed as a patient, I was interviewed as a parent, she did a dance in brace and out of brace to show that scoliosis would never stop her from her passion. She made her own video and showed it and named it “My Morning Routine"..she made up a game and led it with the audience and had prizes for the best boy and best girl.

The whole hour was a miracle.

My husband was there in the front row.

My precious colleagues on my team as well as many of my wonderful friends from Oncology, Medical, Finance. Caregivers from two major pediatric hospitals. Therapeutic clowns They were all there for us. For Her.

I was so nervous this morning I threw up twice. I present all the time literally and I have performed in plays many years of my own adolescence. Nothing ever makes me nervous. Today did me in.

Beauty? Calm as a Cucumber.

My company went all out in this one and had it professionally taped and edited. Camera crews there, microphones, lights..the whole shibang. It was amazing. She was treated as a true superstar. They made a huge poster of her too (above) and had everyone sign it and gave it to her for her room. The video will be given to her to keep and show at her school. The video will also be on the company intranet and submitted for an award potentially on patient experiences.

Words cannot express how I felt towards the company I work for today. An example of true generous leadership and utter work life integration. I was able to bring my entire self to work today and for the last 8 weeks and I am grateful. Today I was unable to keep my tears inside of me at many parts of my interview and Beauty's dance etc……I shed them with pride and security. They are part of me and part of this experience. I have never felt so proud as today to work for the company I do. They truly rolled out the red carpet for my daughter in every single way possible.

They brought both Beauty and I pure Joy

They brought my daughter fully back to life today.This experience will change how she sees the world forever. She now has a new lens to look through.

And HER…OMG HER. I am soooooo not subjective…but I think every single person in the audience agreed she was so truly beautiful inside and out. The grace the confidence, the talent, the beauty, the self-assurance. She was She. It was not MY baby anymore-she was she. 100% and completely her own person. Separate from me…because of me…with me..apart from me.

I looked at her every minute of that hour in complete awe. As if I never knew her. Who is this beautiful confident creature? Who is this person who makes a room come to life-whose eyes light up and whose spirit is joyous and free? How is it that her dances today were of this calibre? Where did this joy come from? This spirit that the whole room could feel so fully?

Where did she damn well get this talent and passion? Where does this spirit come from? Where did my attitudy-teenage, sometimes rude daughter go?

Who is this beautiful beautiful graceful confident human being? She brought the room down...and up..and down..and up. She was a true inspiration

My husband and I have never felt so proud in the parts of this that we may have contributed to. This hour made every single moment of education, discipline, contribution, books read, focus on confidence and autonomy and self assurance…worth it in every single way. We both agreed that since the moment out three kids have been  born our biggest mission was to create confidence in them...the ability to be ok in this big bad world...self assurance. Our highest and most important values for the well being, safety, success, and resilience of our children in a world where they would not have us there to hold their hands much of the time from  the minute they entered kindergarten. Watching Beauty up there today.....was magnificent. Like the finale of the longest lesson.

Who is she? She is our daughter? And the wonder my pharma company today gave me is  this glimpse and sneak peek into which she will be down the road. She showed them what she cannot always show us. She told them what she can’t always tell us.

They got the biggest piece of the pie today and I was there to watch them eat it.

What my daughter did today in that room may have even been worth her having scoliosis. She even said herself that it was worth wearing the brace 20 hrs.  day for 3 yrs.just to have done this. This changed us.

She got to have this day.

I got to have this day.

Together

Because of scoliosis.

Today for the first time since Feb 21 I felt pure  joy. Maybe for the first time ever.

I got to get my daughter.

And equally as important? My daughter got to get me. She saw me in my element at work. And I got to see her in her graceful flow as a separate entity form being my daughter. I got to see how others see her and she got to see how others see me.

And we saw each other..in the middle of it all. Thank you Universe for giving my daughter and I the courage and strength to make this all so beautiful. For understanding that this is what we must do.

Joy..in the midst of pain. Except today? The pain went away.Joy…in the midst of life. Beautiful breathtaking  life. Let me breathe you in.  You are mine again.