No Time

 

I have absolutely no time to blog. None. And I can’t find a space to make time either.

And thankfully for me I make time for my IRL people (in real life people) and blogging takes a backseat to that always. (I have never personally agreed with the whole commenting all day long on other bloggers blogs and ignoring real life people!) But I do make time to read my 5 five blogs a day (two of which are my real friends)

So much has happened since last week and beauty’s good news at hospital. We had 8 kids at the cottage for 2 days….we had an adult date day and night at the pool and an amazing spa night downtown, I held a bday party last night after work for Childhood wonder and had a bunch of little adorable kiddies in my pool. My daughter started high school, my middle son Grade 9 and my eldest his graduating year of high school.

Over the last week I have “caught” one boy in the pool with his girlfriend tightly wrapped around him and mouths glued, and another son kissing like crazy on the bail bed I lay on every night. Quite frankly I did not know either had barely held hands with a girl!! Yes yes I know I am ridiculous and naive.

 

I have questions from teens flying at me constantly and big decisions to make “Can I drive my bike with one brake and sell the other?” Can I drive the car home with all the kids in it?” Can I make my shirt shorter for school? Can I go to bed later now that I am older?

And the wills. I will be seeing my girlfriend afterschool. I will be staying up later. I will be shortening my skirt. Or the wont’s. I won’t be wearing my uniform. I won’t be eating tonight. I won’t be coming to the cottage this weekend.

 

So much has happened. And I have so much to tell and share. I have so much Joy in in the last few days that I have not been able to feel for so long.

But there is work to do at work. And book is finished and now on final comments stage and then published!! And school to be organised for in the evenings. And trips to be booked for November with my mom. And PG to plan for. And people to see . and life to live. And friends to connect with.

And life will always come first

The present moment

The people in front of me or a phone call/text away.

And although blogging super important to me-it will never replace those moments

So as much as I want to tell you and record these moments-for now…I am pleased with just living them.

And not worrying (for the moment) that all of these moments will be stolen by surgery this fall.

I am pleased…just to breathe a little more.

And worry a little less

 

Something Nice Happened TodayJ)))

“Your daughter is doing well. Her curve has not gotten worse. The brace is working. So far -so good. We will see you next in 6 months and see then”

Breathe. Breath. Digest. Focus. Absorb. Process.

Someone is staying something good and nice and positive to you girl!!!

not possible.

Soak it in.

Every single bit.

Ahhhhhhh.

Since about Nov 30…its sounds horrible but nothing nice has been said. Except all the positives I manage to make out of all the negatives. Because I am good at making hard things beautiful. But nothing has been easy..Or said easily…or received easily. Literally one crisis after another (and the worst is I am not even exaggerating)

So today. Was amazing!!!!!!!

Sure my standards have lowered a bit maybe. Still two more years of bracing 20 hrs. a day. Other x-rays every 6 months where curve still has risk to worsen and need surgery.

But for Today and next 6 months….I can breathe. And live ..and feel good..and smile. I get to be the mom of “a somewhat healthier girl with lifetime scoliosis not having the immediate strong possibility of spinal fusion surgery that would limit her life forever”.

So today I of course arrived adorned in lucky charms, and body washes. with worry dolls. Prayers were said to God, Heavenly Father, and Moms already in heaven…….

And they all worked.

Because you know what?

My girl Meh-Meh..will be just fine.

And today for the first time in 6 months…my heart and head both believed this at the very same time.
Health is everything..and when you feel that is really threatned-the world closes in on everything.Meh- meh will start highschool in dance and feel joy and calm. She got a  very well deserved gift today.It's time for this family to get a break.

And me?  I felt..like I came back to myself just a little. And it felt damn good to be back home..to me.

 

“I Do…until ..I Don’t”

This is my new motto for eating. And I think it is going to work really well, if I am guessing.

Also: “It’s what you do eat..and not what you don’t eat..that matters”.

You see for the last 2 weeks I have done things very very differently with food with minimal effort. And this is the first time in my life I seem to have the motivation, or willingness, or want, or commitment to make long term eating changes. Weird eh?

I think it has to do mostly with much more space in my brain freed up largely in not having to worry continuously about people around me. I think it is that cliché of “when you let go of controlling others….you free up time for you”. I never ever thought what I would actually choose to do with this time would be to eat low fat cheese and drink protein drinks.

It all started on vacation at  the cottage these years with the horrible weather (that seems like it has never stopped since actaully) and it was three weeks of our usual crazy holiday eating. But something inside of me snapped this year and thought “this is ridiculous. “This is not making me feel good at all”  And taking a three week break from exercise (besides kayaking often 1.5 hrs. often per day) is not enough either. My goal moved from diet and exercise from wanting to look good…to wanting to feel good (which has been more of a struggle for me lately). I think in our 40’s our priorities shift and health more than anything becomes the coveted thing.

 

And then and there I just made some space in my brain it seems for healthy eating. Right on the spot. And when I got home from vacation-did a lot of research..got some 1-1 phone  coaching with an expert..And went out and bought a whole lot of products with protein and fibre in them. Too simple to be true eh? But that is the type of person I am..when I decide something..I just do it.

 

The question is what is a girl like me, very fashion concious, likes to look good, educated, gaining weight year to year slowly but surely, flirty enough and in need of changing my diet never did this before???

The answer to be honest was: indulgence, not liking depriving myself, feeling like I had no space in my brain for this, feeling like I deserved to eat treats, lazy, and also just always feeling like if I am honest (which I always am on this blog) that could get away with some extra weight because I have a curvy voluptuous body that has always someone been somewhat admired by men (well maybe not  as much over the  last few years) but before that. I also seem to have the type of body and overall looks that weight is never been a big issue. Even if I could stand to lose some for sure. Have always had many compliments about my hair, face, clothes and body (well not as much in last few years)…that quite frankly….I think I just got super lazy and took this a bit for granted. I got used to being called “pretty ” and just kind of forgot about the upkeep.  “Pretty Enough” became good enough for me over the years somehow.

Well that ended for me this summer. I decided that was stupid and ridiculous and also took a really good look in the mirror and decided to make some changes.

And believe it or not I can honestly say I have not once have I deprived myself of food since I have been married, not really once have I been on a diet besides  a few days here and there to lose some vacation week that never last more than a week.  Not once did I not decline a resto, or not order  exactly what I wanted, or not take something yummy someone offered me.

(It’s a miracle I don’t look like a horse at this point actually).

But to be fair I am not much of a snacker or dinner eater which helps. Lunch is my thing . And weekend/holiday eating (a lot ). I naturally don’t turn towards food for binging or eating large amounts. But my choices are often poor..And indulgent. I began starting to piss myself of after years of this.

So two weeks ago I changed. Will it stick? I think so for some bizarre reason. Will I lose weight? I actually have no idea…and although it would be a great perk-is not my overall goal or motivation which is much easier for me psychologically to make these changes because of that fact.

I want to feel good and I have realized that what I put into my mouth is a direct result of  getting that feeling in some ways. And have realized it is all about what you do eat and not what you don’t eat. The more protein and fibre you eat the better..even though you feel full and as if “how could you actually eat all that in a day”. And bring on the carbs and starches..never ever will I say good bye to those. Or cut down considerably. Would not be able to enjoy life or exist. So I eat it all-and by the very nature of more protein and fibre especially early in day…I naturally eat less of other stuff it seems so far.

 

And I do until I don’t? This means…that my core and regular life will be trying to stick to this regimen. The normal days will be about this healthy balance. But when I don’t stick to it…which will happen plenty: That is fine too. Because like anything else it is what we may do about 75 percent of the time that matters the most. (A future book if I am successful so don’t steal the lingo pls!) It’s a motto that really works for my psychological well-being.

Trust me at my fave restaurents etc and when company etc I will be eating what I want. Life is too short. But in between? Big changes are happening.

 

And all of this started the day I went back to work from vacations. And after 42 years of what I consider indulgence of food, . I said no to a cupcake. For the very first time in my life. And I began this new journey and lifestyle.

And after Sept 1, I will commit to exercise or to move my body every single day of my life for 30 minutes forever. Not 3 days a week or 5. Everyday. Who knows what will happen with that…but for me rules are the way to go and have always been successful of living life.

It’s as simple as “just stop it” or “just start it” when you want to stop/start something. I truly utterly believe this. Another book of mine will be called “Just stop it!”

(Like the various people in the news the last few months asked to just to simply stop behaviors that were causing trouble. The woman who stopped on the highway for a family of ducks, or the woman who‘s sitter called social services on her as she was secretly breastfeeding her 7 yr. old son for comfort at lunchtime at the school when he would fail a test, or the man who was driving his car and his daughter in just underwear and got stopped for a ticket. All of them very questionable behaviors that left the  policy/social service nothing left  to say but simply:

“Just stop it” Right now.

Simple as that.

Stop.

Sometimes in life we just have to put an end to unhealthy behaviors that for some reason somewhere along the way have not been able to be a priority. We have to say no to the cupcake (until we say yes to them) or say yes to moving our body daily (until we say no)

And just like today when it is literally as cold as winter and pouring buckets of cold rain on our heads, when I am bitchy and my husband is depressed for no real given reason…we know the when things like this occur and days like this happen:

It is always to go to the cottage..and connect. Be the five of us. Connect. Connect. Connect . and Connect.

It seems to be the only real cure. No matter how cold and rainy it is..or far away..or inconvenient…or seemingly ridiculous. Or that makes no sense given that in less than 24 hrs our son has to be back home for a date. Just get up and go connect.

Connecting is what to do-when you are not connecting at all.

Success is in rules of life.

Just like eating protein and fibre is good for us and makes us feel better.

 

 

Corn-On-the –Cob and your Life

Where I work I take, administer, deliver and get certified on dozens of personality, leadership and derailed inventories.

But really-nothing tells it like it is like watching someone eats a piece of corn in the summer.

(Or watching a couple interacts who are married . A post for another time. Inspired by couple I saw other day who were married 20 yrs. and so so polite to each other. Weird! Felt like they were trying to totally impress each other and strangers. Freaked me out a bit). I digress. Let’s begin with corn. It has been said that the way a person eats (or tackles) a corn on a cob is reflective of the way they run their life. I can agree 150%.

Bear-methodical rows of tidy and standardized and operationalixed corn eating. Row by row. Some butter and salt in equal and measured amounts. None of it dripping. A napkin in preparation. Flosses after dinner.

Chase-surprising quite neat- but then reverts to chaotic..but then eats often only part and moves onto the next thing on plate and throws the rest out.

Beauty-systematic and organized but eats over her lap vs the plate. Lots of corn on the floor-but looks at corn a lot while eating  and strategizes how to best eat it (she is a hidden neat freak who is messy and has not yet come out of the closet-at all!)

 

My Protector-used to be like Bear and methodical and systematic and now a little systematic and a little chaotic. Also when everyone has 1 corn he has 4 cons and eats the leftovers of others. Perfect corn eater and balance of tidy and messy

 

Me: A sorry state of affairs. No rows, no rhyme or reason, no system. Lots of butter and salt and corn squirting juice everywhere and all over my face. Forgets napkins or take three or four. Leave many niblets on cob. Messy.

 

Now..You may be very surprised at how I eat corn? It is way I run life surpriosingly. Surroundings a bit chaotic and messy…but incredible organization, stayed, planning, executive functioning. I forget nothing..I plan everything. Chaotic and messy while doing it. A paradox..works for me and equally gets on mine and others nerves. Parts of my inate personality and parts are choices I  consciously choose. I prefer to nuture relationships than things. I don’t mind a bit of mess in things I live in or own-but don’t want any mess with ones I love.

Corn says it all as far as I am concerned

If you want to make changes in your life-alter the corn first

 

How do you eat your cob??

Lake Hair

There is not much that beats the soft and silky feel of a cold lake in your hair. It makes my scalp tingle and my hair shine and soften.

And how do I get this?: I jump in lakes often at 6:30am.

Now that the kids are older, once in a while we have my Mom come for dinner and evening and sleepover and steal away for a Monday at the cottage in the summer and I cancel my Monday clients. And we up earlyack and head straight to work the next morning.

Usually it is a hot day (like yesterday!) and we sleep outside on the dock and set alarms for 6:15 am. We see the duck families swimming by and little beaver families running across the property. And then I jump in the lake. Hubby drinks his coffee. And I swim and swim. To me this is the absolute best cottage life has to offer (especially since vacation was three weeks of rain!) The getaways on Monday are never relaxing as kids texting and demanding and disobeying. Work decisions to make and emails to write. Planning to be done and phone calls to make. But it is still so worth it.

 

This weekend was one of the few in yrs. where we did not go to the cottage on a hot sunny weekend. We spend the two days and nights in Quebec City. Bear had Kayak provincials and so we went. Very different for us. I certainly can assure we would not be great soccer or hockey parents-don’t love it at all to that degree. But one weekend or a couple was really nice.

We hung out with other parents, did a lot of standing around, had a big dinner inside on a 30 degree evening (vs outside) got up both mornings at 5:45am and went to sleep at 10:30pm. This is usually not my idea of fun at all-but was cool to be there to cheer on Bear and his team and to see this side of life that so many enjoy.

We had a friend of Beauty’s with us and Chase stayed to DH bike with a friend in Bromont. It was a bit of a whirlwind of a weekend, and we were so exhausted by the time we got in door at midnight Sunday after many hours of driving and early mornings and running We did waterslides there and waterfalls and restos in between all the races. And then true to our crazy selves-we stared a long drive to cottage ,Monday morning at 8amJ

And after the Quebec trip that night upon arriving home after an exhausting weekend….the shit started hitting the fan with teen crap with Chase. Yup the fun begins…and continued into Monday and Tuesday and Tuesday night (I knew I had to wait until they are all 20yrs old before writing a book with any teen advice)

Stay tuned for teen shit-coming up in future posts!

(so glad I had jumped in the lake that morning before things got really nasty. Gave me energy and power to deal with him. And with soft lake hair everything seems juts a wee bit better)

Note to world: enjoy everything before 16 yrs. No matter how much you think it won’t change? News flash-it does!

This post makes me Sad.

Especially in these hot summer months and summer vacation time from school, many people have asked me how it is going for Beauty’s brace wearing 20 hrs daily. I really appreciate these types of questions ….because I find it so nice that people care and think about her. Also as we all know, unless we are in a situation it is hard to understand the reality someone else lives and so sometimes great to share this info.

 

I have had so many nice question and inquiries so I will give it a try. From the child perspective and parent’s perspective

 

For the brace wearer (I can imagine):

 

-It gets very hot. She has to wear a full bodysuit under the actual brace to protect her skin.

 

-The rigid brace at night on hot nights can get very very hot

 

-She always has to think about her day and the activities and where she will take her 4 hr breaks (in all other seasons she is  almost 100 percent compliant and in summer about 80percent as breaks are longer and some activities she does not wear brace with our permission but  rare)

 

-She is very limited by the brace for fashion. Strapless dresses, open tank tops, short shorts. All the things she would wear-are a choice now. Often she chooses to wear them anyways and have the brace show partially. Sometimes she plans her break for these times to wear these outfits; sometimes she forgoes her usual fashion style altogether.

 

-She can’t go to a sleepover impromptu as needs to switch braces. The night brace is too big for a knapsack so we drive it over to the friend’s house and pick it up the next day

 

-It is very uncomfortable to wear body braces so she has bruises and welts on much of her back and waist that never go away

 

-When you have your period and a brace-I can’t even begin to explain how logistically difficult this is to manage

 

-When you change for 4 dance classes a day and you have to wear your  brace bodysuit, ballet body suit and tights (all with no buttons to pee) let’s just say you don’t go to the bathroom a lot and hold it in a lot.

 

-It is extremely physically demanding to wear a brace and so she has not just a 6 pack but and 8 pack. I would honestly say at this point she is totally 100% ripped. This is a positive right???? She honestly has the most beautiful body I have ever seen on a preteen-at least she deserves this.

 

-Braces do not necessarily do well in airport metal detectors

 

-When you jump in and out of lakes and pools, unless it is your break time you have to cover yourself up on boat and get back in brace often

 

-It takes up a whole suitcase for two braces when travel

 

-Often she decides to wear a sweater over a cute outfit to hide braceL usually she is ok to show it but if new crowd or boys around she sometimes hides and it breaks my heart to pieces when she does this

 

-It takes away childhood freedom. She is forced to plan, and calculate and strategize about her day

 

-Bottom line is: it’s very tough. She is an amazing trooper who complains very little. But I can see in her mood and demeanor and attitude. It is all taking a toll on her.

 

From that parent’s point of view

 

-Bodysuits are washed every second to third day. The brace itself is washed especially once a week. The rigid brace is also washed once a week. It is a long and complex process

 

-You have to leave work sometimes at lunch and deliver brace if needed or pick it up

 

-You worry all the time about the upcoming x-ray which will likely determine if spinal fusion or tethering surgery or hopefully (just!) continued bracing

 

_It’s incredible that at this point you would actually be thankful if she only has to wear the brace (vs surgery) for two more years. Let’s just say your standards have gone done in what you hope for.

 

-you spend your time on internet in evenings trying to get it all right and understand. You write less blogs, have less time, cancel events etc, have less energy in general.

 

-when your child is out of brace you stare at her spine continuously

 

-you can spot a kid or adult with scoliosis miles way (even if they themselves don’t know they have it you do)

 

-you thank God daily your daughter has more than enough body confidence and is slim and fit as even with a rigid brace on underneath clothes she still looks skinny

 

-all days are planned according to brace breaks so your already planning self gets even worse

 

-Some of your days are filled with doctors apt, xrays etc. And long hospital visits. You take unpaid days or vacation for this. Husband and you go together to ALL appts and X-Rays. We would not do it any other way

 

-you constantly feel envious of other people’s kids who have clean bills of health

 

-you constantly wonder why this has happened?

 

-you sometimes feel bad or mad at comments people say or don’t say even though you know it is not their fault and just a lack of experience in the area.

 

-you pray that she does not grow more as then more chance of worse curve so instead of being excited when she grows, you get really anxious

 

-you can’t plan vacations or big events for sure as it is 6 months to 6 months you now live by and you know that if surgery needed it will change everything

 

-you miss seeing her just jump in and out of a lake and pool freely

 

-you miss seeing her in her little shorts and midriffs shirts at the cottage

 

-you live in constant fear that things will get much worse even though it is hard already. And although you try not to think about it..it is nearly impossible when it is your child’s health and future that is involved.

 

-You feel blessed daily that it is “only scoliosis” and can’t even begin to  imagine having your child have a life threatening illness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Body is Talking to Me

I am not a body person. I have always been more in my head than my body. When people around me talk about stomach aches from nerves, or butterflies, or pounding in their hearts it is hard for me to relate.

I know this sounds crazy but I barely even notice that much when I am sick, or recovering from surgery, or throwing up, or even having a baby of 10.5lbs without an epidural until minutes before he was born, was doable for me. I feel lots of  pain but I can block it out from my head. My body and head are not in sync all the time.

Even for eating my body will crave a healthy peach and my mind will say “no its vacation  so eat a square of chocolate and live it up”. It is ridiculous,

Lately however my body is talking to me. It is asking for protein and fiber, calling out for 30 minutes of exercise daily. All of these things I often do but they are my head telling me to make the decision and not my body guiding me. So the decisions made are harder to act upon be they are intellectaul vs emotional or physical.

Lately my body wants to hug more, and feel more, and get stronger and do more.

My mind? Well it still run 24 hrs. A day.but I do sleep well and more often.

So this morning after 3 weeks of vacation I was returning to work. A day that was CRAZY busy with literally hundreds of emails and wok ahead. Three weeks off is a long time in my role especially without checking in. I started only checking in two days before and I was SCARED.Scared. And not just in my mind..But in my body (don’t get me wrong I adore my work but it is hard what I do)

So this morning I had butterflies and dizziness and almost tears in the shower. I felt stress and anxiety in my heart and lightheaded. I was so distraught about my state but also so happy! This has never happened much to me for work (more so at hospitals with kids in surgery etc.)

I am human after all!!!!

And I ate a protein bar for the first time in my life this morning because my body asked for it. OMG! And I took an Advil at work when my head hurt .And I made an apt to have a nutritionist coach me

I also last night made two hard decisions (or no decisions) with my body.

My 12.5 year old daughter wanted to go alone to Laronde today without groups of friends and no parent. My body said sleep on it. I did and woke up and delegated the decision to my husband. My son Chases was out last night and not texting where he was and I wanted to go to sleep. So I told my son Bear to stay up for him and went to sleep.

(my body seems to also enjoy delegating)

Powerful!

My life is getting ready for Phase 2:   Teens. It is like preparing for childbirth-you have no idea until you are there…and with a 16.5 yr. old this is no dress rehearsal anymore. I am there. My body is preparing for combat I think. I thought I knew at 12 yrs..and then again at 14 yrs..but I did not. this is the real thing people.

Anyways today at work I took it email by email. Problem by problem. Request by request. I stopped being such a little body sissy for the day and got my usual minty act together of course.

Now by the end of the day? I am in sync again with my mind. And welcoming my new guest, of my body. I am looking forward to getting to know you body!