All So Worth It

Left work earlier on Friday and met BFF downtown at her work and headed up to Trent for night. 3 hrs traffic out of city.

So Worth it

Our other  BFF joined us Saturday just for day from 12-8:30pm. We all left our kids and families and chores and housework to be together and laugh, and cry, and share our lives with each other. They made my early birthday special

So Worth it
(these girls are my girls...their kindness and generosity is truly priceless. How could I have not been as much in touch for so many years. Am I crazy???)

It rained a poured all weekend so we did not get the walk through the forest like we wanted to

So Worth it

We sat outside in the cooler windier (but still summer air) and stuffed our faces with brie fondant at a resto. Got a second order that made us too full

So Worth it

Hubby and three kids came up at 9pm at night eventhough it would rain next day…just to spend time together for one day on weekend.

So Worth it.

There was an hour at 10pm when they came..my family….that I thought “this is why they came” this is why this is important “

They ate dinner while I ate my dessert early b-day cupcake ….and then we just talked and talked and laughed and laughed. Our famous Bali bed was cuddled on and I was just so thankful for that time. Then we started a new series as a family “The Good Wife” and we all liked it!! 90 hrs of TV family time ahead!!! Yay!!!

It was all so worth it.

I have it in my mind lately that anytime we can grab the five of us together..we need to. We need to make the effort.

It is so so so so so worth it.

Then the next day it rained and rained and poured and poured. We had lunch and homework and chores. We made spaghetti to last 6 months and stacked wood for the winter.

It was so  worth it.

Then as the evening came to a close-and the weekend ended…we all got wound up and stressed and higher anxiety.I screamed at them. They deserved it. I lost my temper. I ruined it?

We had a bad end to a beautiful weekend.

Somehow right then and last night? It did not all seem so worth it anymoreL

I had a talk with each kid the next night alone. I did not apologize

They lost their technology. I momentarily lost my temper (ok for a few hours and not minutes) I raged .

 But ..It was still all just so worth it. This family. these friends. 2014. the ups and downs

I am high on life. I love it with all its curves and turns.


Life is just  so worth living. Don’t you agree?

 

 

When the Shit Hits the Fan

I will be ready and waiting.

Because it always does doesn’t it?

That is Life.

Obstacle and Challenges.

And the next 10 yrs are going to be a rocky financially for us. Wanting to keep up a lifestyle that is getting harder to afford. Not willing to make too many sacrifices along the way to interfere with the beautiful life we have created for ourselves. Financially we are at the lowest we have ever been with not many solutions on the table.

And life is just changing. New Year’s parties not as easy to plan…beaches and bathing suits not as easy to go to with a brace…triglycerides higher, and waist circumstances growing. Less time..more to do…more wants..more needs..less money.

We have approx. 5 yrs. left (if that) to teach pour kids what they need to know to grow into well-adjusted and functioning adults.

We have years to make up in our marriage of some issues ignored.

We have walks to take and vegetables to eat.

Sparkling water and non-alcoholic beer to integrate fully into our lives

Intimacy to be created and trust to be built.

Hard choices to make and no time to make them in.

Friends to confide in and no time to take to tell the story

Dr appts to worry about and medical expenses for a lifetime.

Tears to be shed and feelings to be let out.

Feelings to be felt

But you know what? As mentioned in my post yesterday…this is peanuts compared to thinking your kid might be paralyzed for the rest of her life. There is a lot I can handle…but this truly tested me. So therefore, I am now  more than ready to take all of this and more .And when you go through in a marriage and family what we have in 2014 all within about 8 weeks of shock after shock after shock….there is not much left to scare us.

And you know what has saved us in 2014 and for the long list of completely unexpected things we have and are experiencing? It’s our foundation we have built in our family and with many of our friends. As a Family of Five mainly. Unwavering-clear priorities, clear strategies. Love. Hope. Faith.

But now we need to re-prioritize after a year of instability on all fronts. Time for a new plan and new direction and new focus. A  new game plan. It’s gonna change baby!

We CAN DO THIS. AND WE WILL. United and together.

Give me a problem..and you can be sure I will have a plan. And  ultimately fix it . And make it better.

It’s what I do.

And I can guarantee you-I won’t be stopping now.

The Call

I truly hate when the phone rings in the middle of the night.

Somehow it is never good news is it?

So the phone rang and my heart raced. My mind spun. Within about a 20 second pause -I made my list of what could be wrong in order of worst to least worst

Are all the kids home sleeping? Check yes

Is my husband beside me? Check yes. Is my Mom in the hospital and sick? (Don’t know!!! pray pray pray!)

Is Trent cottage on fire? Pray not!

Is Trent robbed? Pray not!

Is husband office robbed or on fire? (oh no!)

Alarm at Trent went off. Motion detector in garage. Phew not people I love!

Crap-omg! My beautiful cottage is being broken into.

Send police?  Of course .Well yes dammit –we are 1.5 hrs away!!!

Try to sleep after this call?. No way.

We love our cottage desperately. When it is threatened I realized how deeply important it is to me. Full of memories and heirlooms from hubby’s childhood. Full of so much love and care.

Find out all ok. Police show up immediately.

Thank god for our very loud and  good and efficient alarm system. We are safe and well protected.

I hate calls in middle of the night

Always did

Always will

Sidenote: even though the call in the night makes me totally anxious I can honestly say that since living with my daughter, who's health was on the line (still is but we had some reassurance that things might  end up being ok)... nothing in my life really stresses me anymore as it used to. Your child's health is so so so precious..that after learning to deal with this and the uncertainty of it all..you can kinda handle anything. I guess that is one positive?: Resilience.

The Definition Below:

Of a midlife crisis. I guess I had one.

In Miami I see the Victoria Secret store in the mall which we don’t have in Canada with clothes and bathing suits anyways.

I remember a trip I took last year where I loved the bathingsuit a girl  I saw was wearing. She was about 5’2, 110 pounds big boobs and perfectly curvy. My definition of a gorgeous woman’s body. Very Petite, short, skinny small waist, tiny  body but big boobs and curves. She looked amazing in this bathingsuit that was so pretty and ruffly and feminine. I asked her where she got it. She said Victoria’s Secret.

So I go in there in Miami  and see the same bathingsuit!!! An I look in my size and they have it! And then I realise how RIDICULOUS I would look in this and I don’t even bother trying it on. I mean my size would still only cover half of my ass! And I would look like a freak.

So without a thought further grab and XXS and buy it for my daughter!! She has never worn any bathing it other from Walmart or Target in the childrens section and lately I have  been noticing that most of her friends have at least one expensive and kind of more womanly bikini. So I grab it and buy it and decides she needs this.

And I don’t give it another thought.

When I come in from trip I practically run in house where Beauty is with two friends and grab her and say” look what I bought you! “ She is thrilled!!! She rips it out of my hands and tries it on!!!

She looks AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

Oh crap! Like as in way too amazing…like as in super sexy amazing…like as in way to good…way to sexy. Way to older…she is 12 !!!! I forgot my daughter was twelve!!!!

And the back of bikini dips. Into a little V so her butt cracks shows! OMFG what did I do???

Her friends of course oh and aww and admire her in this. They think I am the coolest mother/person ever and I momentarily forget what a dumbass I am and bask in their admiration. Oh god. I can’t seem to stop myself on this one.I just get worse and worseL

So then it hits me: SHE CANNOT WEAR THIS BATHINGSUIT. Ever.

But the problem is? It’s too late. She is sold.

Well. It gets worse. Chase comes into the kitchen. He is not only shocked but mortified. And ANGRY. Very very very ANGRY.  At me! He starts reciting study after study of girls too young made to look sexy by their mothers and end up pregnant in grade 9. He shames me and orders her to go and change! And his girlfriend’s upstairs is listening too!

I’m mortified.

So all weekend this has been on my mind. Throw it out? Allow her to wear it on our trip only? Be an Indian giver? What do I do?So I decide we keep it but I get it altered. I have a piece of material  put in where it dips in the back. Ok that is good.

And I have strap added to the top..yes that will make it better. Good plan.

and buy a matching coverup. to cover it up. Cover her up. maybe a waterproof one she can wear in the ocean.

Phew.

(Only step left is to tell her) . Yikes.

Talk about a mid life crisis move? Talk about living vicariously through ones gorgeous daughter?

(I mean PS and BTW-I am all FOR private school girls hiking up the little skirts to make them shorter...cute..adorable..but THIS above? I am losing it.)

Escalation is a Choice

(posts out of order as was away this week...scroll and read other two first)

In every course or certification, I take there is always one part that truly stands out for me and is almost life altering. Because when I agree with something and learn something new that resonates with me: I apply it with rigor to my life. It goes on the to do list. I am not always fully successful in applying it ... but by making a Conscious and Deliberate effort something always shifts and alters.

This Course was:

Always start small and escalate when you want to interfere in things you may not have business in. Or more importantly ... When you are angry start as small as you can and escalate only as things get worse and worse.

Don't pull out all the shots at the beginning be a) people will lose respect for you b) you show all your cards right away c) it is a very low thing to do by shouting or screaming what you wish to communicate and very hurtful to others and shows deep lack of respect

I thought about my own life and about two instances where by escalating right away vs sitting back and observing and getting curious; I messed it all up. (Many times I have done this on a lower level but two situations that I can really identify and stand out) One of Those situations Big Time .When you escalate too quickly you can't really recover.. But you can always choose to escalate to a higher level if you start low.

I also think of three very specific situations that have happened to me in my life with family or friends which I will never forget. They are with me forever .I has never recovered. All three situations have this is commen: the people involved escalated at the highest level right away as their way of dealing with the conflict presented. In all three situations I lost so much respect so immediately and  So quickly for the people involved and felt so devastated and treated unkindly ... I simply just did not engage.. I withdrew and pulled out (not normal for me ) I decided not to go further with the communication or conflict and just avoided the conflict and moved on wit the relationships . But something inside of me changed forever. And I hold grudges on these ones. (not a great way to deal with conflict but certainly better than the escalation route)

When I took the course this week I realize that the people involved started at their very highest level of escalation for situations that warranted almost for them to do nothing. They may have gotten all the satisfaction of letting it all out in  highly inappropriate ways ... But the image I had of their ability to handle conflict was severely affected because of it .

There is going to be conflict in life. It is inherent to any relationship.. Any business.. Any company. What this course taught me is that there are very different ways to handle conflict ... And some are way more effective than other ways.

Escalate slowly and surely before you pull out your cards. You know why? If you are always screaming and telling or being direct or critizing or judging? When what you want to Say really matters?

Nobody will be listening to you anymore !

Sleepy Cities

From my window in hotel:)

I love reading sister savvy (aka Gritty) posts when she travels and she talks about "Sleepy Cities " and the sun rising and how beautiful it is when you see this in a new place. Problem is that I can never get up that early !! By the time I am somewhere where a bit of downtime and relaxation is offered to me .. I somehow always choose to sleep longer .

And when on business trips ... The agenda is packed with breakfast meetings and early days . No time for sunrise!

However today I got to see a sleepy city and it was worth every moment of lost sleep .

My hotel in Miami is on a lagoon and my room looks out to the pool and lagoon. Gorgeous !!! Seriously !

Not only did I take it and see it .. I went down for a swim in it . I am so proud of myself that I can accomplish all of this and be ready for the day by  7:30 am

And after a very hectic and intensive day today which I had a headache a good part of ... I took a book and went down to the pool and cuddled up on a sofa and read. And it rained and rained on me so I moved over to another sofa under beautiful trees and it was so cozy. I adore warm rain (I detest cold rain ) I read my fiction book and almost fell asleep . They took an hour and met 3 girls form Holland and had some laughs. One had a tremendous stutter and at first felt so bad for her but by the end.. Just thought she was so beautiful and also brave.

And now tonight a quiet evening compared to the other two I had and in hotel in my pjs and ordered room service

Business travel can be great. And the older my kids get the more I like it . It has definite perks (beautiful hotels and places  ... Great free food  ... Room service  ...Pools etc ) but anyone who does it also know it is very hard too .

12-15 hrs days often. Breaks and lunches always with teams so very little alone time . Hard on personal schedule.. Packing and unpacking.. Affects weekends and family time big time

But overall ... I like it . More and more . And one day in more than 5 yrs I intend to have a career where I travel even  more and can take my hubby or a kid or my mom or a friend with me sometimes. It's a great way to see the world. I need to start working on my 5-10 yr. plan

But for now and until now, I have had no time to make the best use of busy business trips. No time to be able to tack on a weekend or take a vacation day. No energy to get up for sleepy cities early morning when all my energy has gone into simply surviving!! I have found that this is one of the first business trips ever where I feel freer and not as weighted down. Not in touch with the kids as much and not worrying. I know the fort is being well held down and everyone is content. My husband is texting them and driving them and attending all the school meetings and my mom is making healthy fish for dinner.

I feel like I can muster a little energy for those sleepy sunrises now and then

I have travelled with this company to many places. Switzerland many times... Portugal.. Mexico.. New York ... France ... Miami.. Boston ...

Many many many lovely offistes weeks in our own Montreal. But this one is the first one where I truly feel like I have space to appreciate the opportunity

In the course I am here for I am getting a certification to give one of the most complex workshops on High Performing teams there are. I am surrounded by my Latin American happy and friendly and loving colleagues here. I have honestly been touched and hugged and kissed as much by men and woman alike as I have in the last few days as I have in my lifetime ! Such a beautiful culture

And I sit here tonight with my portabello burger and beet and goat cheese salad and deep dish apple Carmel pie with cinnamon ice cream ( I tend to taste test a bit when I am not paying !) .. And realize how good my life is And how well I have run it I have been a great CEO of my life I feel proud that .I roll With the punches and orchestrate this life of mine with such precision and I am feeling the payoffs here in Miami.

And I am looking forward to its next chapter. And every day I feel more and more ready to be sitting at the head table . Now I am grooming myself to be ready ... For what I am really made to in this world.

“When the time is right”….  This motto  will always remain at the top of my list.

Stealing a day

(I have been on business in Miami all week so catching up and posting a number of blogs today)

Wow this day really feels like that . When in reality it isn't at all. I am taking a half day vacation! By myself! In Miami! In the hot gorgeous weather. Even a mere four hours feels like bliss here.

I feel like I have never really done anything like this before.. It's a bit outrageous. Normally when I travel for business.. I am business only. And certainly don't tack on days or half days of vacation as those are cherished to use with my family and precious. And it is sad too bc I go to beautiful places ..Far more beautiful than Miami ... And I barely see more than the meeting room, restaurant and the inside of the hotel.


But today I did it differently... And I love being by myself.. I never thought t I would.

Sure had to get up at. 3am to be here. And sure had to work in the hotel for a while to set the day. And sure will have only a few stolen hrs of beach ... As traffic will be mad to get back to hotel in time for dinner with my boss and colleague. And exhausted since up since 2 am this morning.

But it is so worth it these stolen hours. Sometimes just taking a break with me myself and I is just perfect as I splash in the waves and put my head under the water (who cares about my straightened hair at 2am hair for tonight anyways) ... I bought at book at airport and am laughing to myself reading it ... I produced a great project plan on my chair in the shade. I went to a cute Cuban Mexican on the boardwalk.

And for my last hour I intend to fall asleep in the shade after another beach dip. I took Some Selfies and just feel good Good to be here. Good to do the work I do which takes me to beautiful places and good to have recovered two such special emails this morning from the daycare woman who basically raised my kids under the age of five .. Who me we will have for dessert and coffee at home soon after 9yrs !

 Even the diet coke at lunch tastes especially good today. You see I have completely changed around my eating habits over last three weeks. Halfway there in terms of changes I want to make. And diet coke is only a couple of times a week now... So I sipped mine today in Miami with satisfaction.

I can't say I miss it that much ... But it still tasted good

And if I had any illusions that men would be noticing me today in my bikini they are now gone. Everyone here is 20 yrs. old and half naked. On the beach... At the cafés... In the shops . Perfect naked bodies around me in every corner.

Somehow my coral painted toes and black polka dot bikini with my lole coverup is plain Jane around here. And that is just totally fine. And PS two cute guys came to talk to me and chatted me but I was scared. Kept thinking of the movie “Taken” and being kidnapped. They seemed to have nothing to sell to me .. I wonder what they wanted! My luck they were probably escorts or pimps or something :)

So anyways today is a stolen day and it is heavenly. I am lying on the beach right now dreaming up ways to be infinitely rich ... I know I have some deep potential hidden in me tucked away to use  after 5 yrs and my kids out of high school.  Then I need to use it . Need to give my poor hubby a financial break and make some major money. I want to travel and buy surf boats and spend many days just like this one a beach. I want to be able to fly my kids and their families to far off places to be with me and indulge them when I no longer need to teach them that indulgence can make you spoiled. We can all dream right??

I don't want to have to feel guilt about a 35 dollar taxi ride each way and a 10 dollar umbrella and 20 dollar chair ( actually the umbrella was 15) I want to make it big one day ...I always have . And here sitting in heaven ...I am trying to dream up ways  of exactly how to do that .

And one day? I will do it

Watch me

I don't care about money for the sake of money  or things . I care about people places and experiences. And for what I want to do? And the people I want to take care of? I will need money . No money does not buy happiness..but if you already have happiness….it makes it easier to enjoy it with money (which I have none of lately at all!!!)