2015 and Beyond -My Career Years

I have a strong feeling that this year is going to be my kick ass career year. I usually get what I want when I have control over part of the situation.Where effort is required (vs in situations where I have no control like our daughter having scoliosis or my Mom having a brain injury)

When I have control in it-I make it happen. When I know I will   succeed –I prove it. And I most importantly –succeed.

And in 2015 I am ready to take on a whole new game- career wise. I have never felt as ready as I have this year from a mental perspective, a timing perspective and a capability perspective. I am sharpened and ready to take it on. And I passionate. I want it.

So let’s just say the next few weeks are important. And I am looking forward to what lies ahead where I can guarantee and prove that I am the person for this role and am more than ready to step up to the challenge.

And that is it. Final.

Stay Tuned !!

Farm Animals on Heads

As you know I am not a big Halloween Fan or a costume fan. Neither are my kids although they tolerate it better than I do. We all seem to have love/hate relationships with dressing up as superheroes or farm animals. Chase has more boxes with flashing lights as eyes stored in his closet that he made for Halloween and never wore than I can count. It’s just really not our thing.

Some of the blogs I read seem to dote on this stuff. Like really really dote on it. One blog at their school they seem to have a costume theme every week and the five kids get all excited about it and into it (or so the mother portrays on the blog anyways). When it’s a 5 yrs. old it’s cute-when it’s a 17 year old boy just hits me as a bit uncool (I know I know I sounds like a schoolyard bully. It’s just..Weird to see this almost man constantly posing for his mom’s camera smiling into it dressed as a cow so often!  Lol

Clearly I have issues.

Well now it’s our turn at our house to have some fun and honker down! With one ski monitor and one pre ski monitor they were asked for fun day today at the hill to dress up as farm animals! I mean couldn’t just any kind of animal do? How many people do you know who have a pig, lamb or cow costume hanging around their home?

So forget the penguin and dinosaur costumes we had at home-they were not good enough as they would then fail their evaluations as they are not on a farm. Forget that the kids had the entire week off while we worked to think and plan this out. So Friday at 5pm rolls around right before we head off to the cottage and there is a costume finding farm animal frenzy going on around our home.

Chase managed to find some kind of duck costume somewhere that I never even got to see that he was somehow wearing on his head.

And Bear smart as he is..things like this bring him to his knees. He is not that creative or artsy. His brain is a logical one. So this really throws him off and he was running and screaming around the house for a couple of hours having a panic attack of what to wear. PS: I am also the type of mom that doesn’t help out a lot with this kind of last minute stuff after a day at work. I tend to let them suffer the natural consequences of “you should have planned this out a week ago!”Let’s just say this method has created three pretty independent and resilient kids.

So after contemplating sticking a thousand cottons balls on his helmet and snowsuit to be a lamb…he went with two “tou-tous” (French for stuffed animals) on his head. They are cows. And he and his friend who came with us to the cottage around midnight taped them to his helmet and made some grass from construction paper to go along with it.

As much as I hate costumes I liked watching this process. I somehow felt so good that this costume stuff was being transferred over to my two teenage sons who were now in positions of authority to have to entertain little kids with ski in their ski monitor roles. It somehow cleansed me in a way and I was free to sit back and watch them takeover (probably a lot like being a grandparent and seeing your kids have to do a bunch of annoying  stuff with their kids while you get to sit back and relax and enjoy the fun parts)

I also became as thankful (as I so often am) that I’m not a stay at home mom. If I were this cotton ball farming project would be my mandate, my goal, and my responsibility. And I like being good at things. So maybe I would even take it as far as going the extra mile and writing a whole blog on which glue we used and posting my 17 yrs. old smiling face for the world to see! I thank god every day that in this world we each have our strengths and passions-and that I have a job that allows me to feel ok at failing at such home projects miserably.

Also Chase this morning did the sweetest thing and it was the farm animal idea that inspired it. He asked if he could take two rubber duckies from our bathroom and give them to his two student today as was their last course to remind them of their first ski teacher..awwwwwwJ (see I hate costumes but I am very very sentimental!)

My first reaction was to say “Hell no! I bought those in Ogunquit and it’s a family of five and looks good in our bathroom!” Then the mommy in me kicked in and looked at my growing blooming son and his sweet intentions and I said:

“Of course Sweetie-take two. What a lovely idea . Your students will love this”

And I meant every single word.

Time to let the ducks separate a little and be on their merry way. As I sit back and watch them swim with a few farm animals tightly fastened to third helmets.

Note: I know this blog was ironically about my own teen boys dressing up. I almost even posted a picture but decided that was too hypocritical for even me!

Our Cottage Village

I always my Mom saying when we were on the market to buy our own cottage “Make sure it is near a village as when you have teens it will be important”

She was right! It is essential at Trent it seems for this phase of our lives.

This weekend besides the ski mountain of course we went back and forth to the village dozens of times. To the diner, to the grocery store, to get gas, to take Chase and Daphne to the diner, to rent a snowmobile for the day etc..etc..etc..

Love that village. It truly is ()along with the ski hill what draws the teens to come to the cottage without a fight (most of the time anyways)

This was a fun four day weekend. Really fun. I think we are happiest on vacation at the cottage..I should always remember that before I pay for airline tickets anywhere else! We  could easily and happily have stayed here all week. Wish we could but work calls as well as not enough vacation to take now and then Easter break of course. I will miss this time at the cottage though. It was filled to the brim with just a whole lot of whatever. Hubby finding a few moments by the fire to listen to his music…me making my presentations fancier on PowerPoint with Bear, Chase’s girlfriend spending a couple of days with us and watching our crazy family in action, Beauty having a friend from ski hill for dinner, Hubby and I finally making it on the slopes for a couple of hours, renting a Skidoo for the first time and trying out the trails. Good food, good company, lots of movies and TV, a bit of reading, some planning and juts a lot of all enjoying time together.

I can truly say we love the teen stage. It is so much fun. And more and more girlfriends here are just part of the reality and it is fun to watch. Chase who hates Jacuzzis suddenly loves them, the way he snuggles her and says “isn’t she so beautiful?” to us. The way when she has a headache he says “Daphne’s little head needs an Advil” . The way he cherishes her and is so comfortable with her. And she cherishes him too in such a tender way. She is so sweet and shy and feminine and petite and strikingly beautiful. It is fun to learn his type. And even in front of her he will knock at the window as we go out to the ice and say “love you guys Mommy and Daddy! Be safe!” He is such a sweetheart this one ...

Sweet to watch and to be able to share in. I love that they let us into their lives in this way.

Good good weekend. I wish time would just freeze and stay this way. At work, at home, everywhere. I feel all the sudden we are getting our bearings, finding our solid ground. I need it to stay just like this for a while please. I am nearly begging.

And what I love about time off is always the talks and the discussions that are impossible in busy school schedules, between sports and homework and on text. Time to be Kind (another book title for me!)

So yes three out of four days here were the skiing frenzy early schedules-but each night there was freedom and no homework. Luscious. And today Tuesday-no commitments at all! We slept in until 11am!!!!! It was truly heavenly and went down and had cold pizza for breakfast. Perfect meal as far as I’m concerned and even had all the food groupsJ.

I am sad to go back to work tomorrow and on the other hand so thankful that I have such a busy work like that makes my time off so precious. I would not trade either for anything. I am in the perfect place.

Trust the Process. Trust in past behavior to predict future behavior. Trust it all. Life will be gentle and kind  and stable..I can feel it in my heart. 

Listen Carefully

Always on vacation the noises are different. We hear more yelling from the kids and more disagreeing as they have less structure and fewer activities to keep them busy. The fridge opens more, the shower go on less, the TV on more, the alarm clocks set less.

The noises are different and sometimes I love the lack of structure and sometimes I find it harder (especially when the kids are all teasing each other loudly-their big fight these days  is always who is a better skier and trying to rip down the skiing skills of the other)

We are here at cottage 4 days as taking two days of the week the kids have off to be with the kids. Then going back to work and the kids will stay at home without us and with my Mom in the days.

Today I listened hard though and heard two very beautiful sounds amongst the sometimes chaotic noise.

One was at 11am while Hubby and I were still sleeping. Our new routine is after driving to skiing at 7:45am whoever drives comes back to bed and goes straight back to sleep.

All the sudden I hear the sound of dishes. Lots of dishes. Plates, forks, cups. It almost sounded like the dishwasher was being emptied. Could it be? We were not even up yet and someone from the goodness of their heart did this without being nagged or having it pinned as a job? No probably- just one of the kids making breakfast and using lots of dishes right?

Come downstairs and it was Bear! He did this! What a thrill. PS my kids are good at lots of things but cleaning up without being asked is not one of them clearly.

Second nice sound was Beauty. She has a fit in my bathroom about something stupid and threw her toothbrush on the floor and would not pick it up. We had a screaming fit about this. A few mins later she comes up and gives me a hug and very sweetly says a simple “I am sorry”. Very tenderly and genuinely too. Wow what a rarity and what a treasure this was.

Do I have low expectations for good sounds or what?

Throughout the day we forced them outside to skate with us and walk with us and we heard a lot of unpleasant noises of “did we have to?” “We want to go home and play computer and relax”.  But when we train ourselves as parents to listen hard enough there are always the sounds hidden amongst the noise. That is like symphonies to our ears.

We need to listen,

And to listen we need time.

And that time has to be carved out very deliberately.

Or it will be all but forgotten.

Important Discussions

Nobody ever said raising teens was easy did they?

And it most certainly is not.

Bear provided us with a moment last night that really tested us out as parents of teens. Really tested out our resilience and strength to the maximum limits.

And you know what? We passed with flying colors. So did Bear.

An hour long hard, embarrassing, difficult, transparent, wonderful, open, authentic discussions with our middle son. We respected him and he respected us. It made us feel so good and I imagine him so comforted that we are putting the relationship between us in front of anything else. We are not being guided by roles or regulations, values, higher powers or any other forms of the universe dictating how we should or should not react to such a conversation. We are guided by our relationship with our unique son and his relationship towards us as parents.

It was an amazing conversation together. Not easy but amazing. And we will have more conversations as the end of this week, as a lot for the beginning of a break

It’s funny as a Mother I can be so bad at the little stuff in life (bad at coking, often swear at my kids and call then idiots, very irritable a lot of the time, very irrational a lot of the time, not very domestic, can be selfish. The list can go on and on and on..)

But when it comes to the big stuff-I totally rock. I never ever let the ones I love down. I really really really show up when it matters the most. I bring my best self to the table. I am calm and cool and collected and mature and loving and caring and reasonable. I show up. So does Hubby. We are better that the big stuff than the small stuff and it has always been that way.

Anyways was an interesting start to our March Break. Also the internet cut now for more than 24 hrs which is also a bit off as these is the few days we have to watch TV and films and use internet etc. We are taking two days off this week Monday and Tuesday and not looking like we will be watching many movies!

We had a great night last night regardless. We always find a way. Somehow it always works out. What is important is all being together.

Last night’s discussion with Bear between his Mom and Dad made me realize everything we have poured into our kids and family life has had a meaning. It has all been worth it and has all had a purpose. I am not sure we have ever been so proud and respected our son as much as last night. Or been prouder of ourselves.

Yet even with this closeness and pride..my heart aches. At watching him grow, and learn and fall and get back up. It aches to watch him hurt and to be hurt. It pains me to watch my son learn and handle pain. It makes me cry to know that life will be hard for him like it is for me. It pains me to watch my son learn that life is not carefree. And hurts for me to know that the umbrella that I used to be able to place over his head-is not mine to hold anymore.

In essence, it is hard to have a teenager. And it is painful to watch. An honor to be part of.

Love you Bear fiercely and forever and a day.

Mommy

Food Fest

I am not really an emotional eater in general. I don’t use food when sad and angry (or so I thought!)

Well this past weekend I was. I was anxious and a bit in shock and I ate my way through the weekend. Not in quantity at all or binge eating but in a diversity sense. I ate a lot of things that I usually don’t eat in many various forms and often. Sitting and watching a fave show and munching on chocolate covered blueberries and cherries, then for the second half of the show a big bowl of Caramel popcorn. Some sour cream and onion rippled chips with my sandwich at lunch, and both cupcakes and some more caramel popcorn for dessert. Meals were generous too-why not have for lunch some leftover beef stroganoff over noodles and also a Cesar chicken wrap? Non diet soft drinks with dinner and a nice piece of toasted homemade right bread in the morning with lots of butter.

I never eat like this. Expect on vacation-and even then it is slightly more controlled. This was super super indulgent and decadent.

And man oh man did it feel amazing! I seriously loved every moment. It was so damn comforting! No wonder people use food to fend off their emotions. I kind of felt numbed all weekend and that was wonderful.

I have to say I deserved it too (we deserved it but hubby eats like this 24/7 ). I mean a daughter in a car accident on Thursday with no one hurt but a bit of a shock….big work news Thursday afternoon….Hubby falling unconscious and ambulance Friday morning and appearing in court on Friday.

I think a few chocolate almonds were in order don’t you?

I think this food fest was also a little reaction n to the fact that for two weeks proper I was soooooo carfeul with what I was eating in the goal of losing two lbs..and instead I gained a pound! I think my lost 11 pounds might be it for me-I seemed to have plateaued. Never say never- but it feels like to lose more than 11 will be a lot harder which I doubt I am prepared to do.

Lo and behold this week I step on the scale two days after that food fest and I have lost that l pound I had gained. Miraculaous! Weird! I don’t questions the miracles of the universe I just accept them!

And what is even more interesting is that eating like that (which I have not done for months and months have awakened a hunger in me for food. I rarely go out for lunch and this week have even less time to do so but I am firing invites off to people saying want to meet at Basha? Sahib? For souvlaki and fries? (They all say no as busy at work and so am I so I just eat a stir fry-but still the thought was there.

I feel awakened again to food. This can’t last as we all know that this formula however effective it was for this week in my weight management goals is not sustainable in the long term. But it comforted me to no end to know that I could comfort myself with food for three days and still get back on track. It’s a place I will visit again for certain.

Supply and Demand

We have been trying to rack our brains lately trying to figure out what is exactly out of whack? What happened to our lives and schedules? Where did our lives go exactly?

Skiing schedule is the answer. Second answer is teenager social lives.

I am so very happy that we did not get sucked into this many years ago. Or hockey for that matter or soccer. I am very thankful for our choices. Someone the other day asked me why we pay for the school we do for our three kids and the biggest reason amongst many is probably the schedule. The sports are part of the curriculumn-engrained in the day and right after school. It allows them to do just as many dance and sports as anyone else (probably much more) but at the same times allows our family to have a life. Nobody misses out. Weekends were always sports too but limited.

Up until now it has been a winning formula.

Then came having a teen with a job, an almost licence and another one in full on U-14 competitions at 100 percent. All of them getting active social loves at cottage. Recipe of disaster.

And part of it is fun of course! And amazing to watch them grow and change and bloom and be passionate about what they do…love so many parts of it. But what are we missing out on?

Too much. Family time. Relaxed time together. Moments when one of more are exhausted and irritated and falling asleep on the couch from the weight of the routine. We are missing the liberty of seeing friends on special occasions, and seeing extended family. Planning anything spontaeounous or even keeping to the traditions that are so heavily established and engrained over the years with the ones we love. When we look back at pictures of wonderful moments it is not the ones of the kayak competitons and ski races that we frame. It is the moments of parties, and get- togethers and of occasions and vacations. Now the sports are erasing those-there are hardly any pics.

In my opinion….doing this for years and years and childhood and adolescence is not worth it. Unless your kid is going to the Olympics…..what a circus. I am glad to have experienced both so I know what I really think. To be able to see both sides of it all.  And to be fair one part we have not embraced  the hoopla and social life that goes with it-our friends are not at the ski hill. Competing demands. We have not integrated fully. We resist. We don’t want to be the ski moms, or soccer parents, or hockey widows. We don’t relate to it.

For me there is just so much more than this schedule and quite frankly with this schedule there is nothing else possible unless you have one parent fully devoted at home.  We are succumbing and doing it-but I am glad we have fended it of for many yrs. I am glad we have protected our family time from the outside world and made beautiful moments in between. I am glad we have said no to parties at the cottage on Saturday nights and early morning practices at 6:30am. Our family was much stronger before this winter-the schedules have damaged us and taken over.And it is far from over –there are many more years left of this.

The supply is less than the demand these days and we are running out of fuel. I believe in lots of fuel and having more than less in case of emergencies. Our demand these days far outweighs our supply.

There is something magical about winters at the cottage and has still felt some of that magic this winter for sure but on most weekends the magic is not there anymore. There is no time to feel it. No time to call that friend in need, or read that beautiful book. No time to have friends up or visit friends. No time to think or sleep or feel. Part of it has been beautiful and part of it has been hard.

One more month of this and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. That is how little time I have to not even know how I feel?

I am glad for this experience and I am am glad for all the years before we chose differently.

When my kids look back on life I want them to have more in it to remember than their passion for skiing. It’s part of their lives but their schedules make it all of our lives.

I want More. More Life, Please!