True Girl Power

Happinesss and Pride with her Didi

Both last night and for today’s matinee I had the privilege of watching our daughter’s end of year dance show at her school. One of 5 shows that they perform and finish up tonight.

This is not any show. It is more professionally choreographed and executed as any professional show I have ever seen. They made the Nutcracker look amateur that I have seen many a time at Place des Arts for real!!!! ( maybe a tiny ounce Subjectivity included of course but the comparison is actually real)

Beautiful, powerful confident strong young woman expressing themselves like never before through the creative art of modern, contemporary, classical ballet, folklore, hip hop, flamenco, folklore. It was so so beautiful. Five grades of them-the stage full of these power girls from Sec 1-5. What a gift they have earned to be in this program for their teenage years. What a beautiful form of expression. Dance will keep them and protect them from this adolescent world-it will guide them. In our family his school is our institution. It is spiritual and sacred almost.

Awww...

These girls were incredible- seriously. Beauty’s advanced group A sec 1 group performed two numbers-one in classical ballet and the other in Folklore-what a treat. To see the discipline, the grace, the energy, the strength, the confidence. It was seamless and perfect-the entire show. It made me happy to know how well trained these girls are-how committed they are to their art.

Folklore outfits!

They  were the finest of athletes.

Our gang (daphne too!)

I loved seeing the number with the five Sec 5 boys in the dance (non dancers but who learnt the routine) How they each had a powerful girl at their feet. Strong, forceful,  innocently sensual even. They each looked in awe as they should at the beauty literally at their feet. The power of woman on men was evident. Captivated.

Me and my two Vanilla Beans

And I loved their fresh smiling faces and their sweet (made up for the stage!) faces as they came and greeted their proud families. Beauty today ran into the arms of her Uncle Bruce (Uncle Boo) she was so happy he came all the way from Ottawa to see her-what a nice gesture for her to show her Uncle all that she is made of.

Beauty and  her Beloved Uncle Boo

I noticed she was wearing less than half the makeup than most the other girls. Natural and fresh. I love her look. She glowed under her little coat of mascara and slight lip-gloss. What a few weeks she has had of rehearsal day and night-it was amazing to see her get herself all ready for this while I have been away.

Yes he is very very tall!!!!

My Mom turned to me in the show in awe. We gave each other a knowing look just as I did the night before with Hubby” This school is worth every dine-every ounce of the energy that goes into the kids  staying there” This education is priceless. I would give up the shirt on my back to keep these kids there. I can’t even imagine if I had been given the opportunity they have been in education. Who would I be?

Pride and love

And tonight is lovely too and overall this day. Beauty is still at her last show and Hubby will go get them at 11pm. I came home from a week offsite for my work that I had been away a week for-home felt heavenly to come home too. Hubby and I went for the show last night and today I went with my Mom and Uncle and our boys and Chase’s sweet girlfriend. We stopped for fresh pasta sauce for tomorrow dinner and made a nice BBQ tonight. We sat outside and got poured on in the heat. Hubby and Bear watching and screaming over the hockey wins as the HABS win again as I write my blog happily beside them. The nap I took late this afternoon spontaneously and woke up the the hugs and kiss of Bear. The cookie the clerk gave Bear since he had said he had never seen a more helpful son to his mom as Bear took all the shopping bags from my arms. The hand holding of Chase and Daphne so sweetly in the show. My daughter’s talent and innocence and friendships.

The love that surrounds that daughter of mine.

A net catching her constantly of love, support, friendships. A peer oriented girl that girl. Her friendships are all like family. They are hers. Part of her.

The love in our lives.

The Power of Girls

Raw Talent is what we experienced today. A gift.

What a super day!!! Talented girls!!!!

Partnering

In the last few months I have really felt partnered with in so many areas of my life .

Really supported by really smart and capable people who provide me the gift of their time and energy in such a way that brings my life such an utter richness really .

And it is hard work to have this .. Really hard work . Partnership takes noticing and nurturing and watering . If takes energy and time and devotion . It is deliberate and needs daily attention. A partner is not easily forgotten. You carry them in your head and heart always.

I have always known that family is my partner and have always worked hard ensuring that . But I have also known that there are many relationships outside of family that are crucial and important to me too.

In delivering the 5 days leadership course  this week to a large group of corporate managers I realized how sad I feel when so many people use the very real excuse of "busy" as a reason to not have many partnerships outside of their workplace

It makes me fundamentally sad as I KNOW there is another way.

I feel partnered

As a wife and mother

As a daughter and sister

As a niece and cousin

In many ( not too many but just enough!)  deep friendships

As a trusted collegue

As a trusted ex collegue

As an advisor

A coach

A professional

I serve and I am served

I partner and I am a partner

I could lose it all as quickly as I gained it all if I am not deliberate and nurturing. Fiercely. Forever.

I choose to keep it .

I choose I make it all matter .
To make them matter
...and myself matter

We all Choose this.

What choice are you making?

No Coffee in Hand

A year and a half ago my husband gave up all alcohol for health reasons. He is doing great with these difficult transitions. Along with this he also decided to give up caffeine too for the most part. Both alcohol and caffeine tend to cause havoc on the nervous system especially in combination so he figured when he gave up one why not give up the other since all routines had to be altered to extensively anyways. Brave guy eh??

He still drinks diet coke here and there and once in a while if travel or at a resto some coffee-but for the majority he only drinks de-caf. And lots of it!

So since this transition I have been so aware of just how addicted the world is to coffee and caffeine. I mean this is serious stuff and pretty much everyone I know will die without their morning coffee. (I have never been a coffee drinker-I used to have a diet coke a day but now drink diet coke at restos or one a day on weekends only and often caffienne free)

People I know are frantic when we don’t have coffee with caffeine at our cottage or home-it has happened about 15 times in the last year and I keep forgetting to change the beans in the machine (which is not nice at all as a hostess!!!!) I have to get better at this but I never truly realized how most people can’t functions without this morning boost the minute they wake up. It’s a bog item on my to do list to make sure we have in our home for guests moving forward.

So this week as I am delivery an offsite program with my favorite Swiss colleague (and author of our book) in the beautiful area of downtown Montreal and having an exciting, adrenaline, intellectually stimulating week with so many interesting people…

I feel happy that my hands don’t need coffee.

My hands are full enough already.

Literally and symbolically.

I want to wake up in the morning and want fresh air. I want to wake up and connect with my loved ones and send a nice text that starts theirs and my day out right. I want to write on this blog and express creativity. I want to dream up my future and plan it.

And I don’t want coffee taking precedence over that.. even for a moment  (cupcakes and pasta however can interfere whenever they feel like itJ))

I realized that yesterday as the whole class walked in with a cup of coffee in hand-that I want something different.

I want to be holding others things.

I am not 100 percent clear on what this things are yet-but I am starting to get excited about the journey itself.

I want to be able to always say that I don’t need alcohol or caffeine to feel the pure joy I feel this week.

I want more. And this week?...This is the beginning of a whole lot more.

Noteworthy Other Bubbles

I get into big bubbles in my life often. I have work bubble/family bubble/friend bubble/ health bubble/ worry about scoliosis bubble/worry about Hubby bubble/worry about Mom health bubble/ summer bubble/winter bubble…the list goes on and on.

The family /friend/work bubble is the most consistent and constant and never really disappears but the rest often come and go. And when they appear they are strong and take over. For the moment I have been in strong “you have a new consultant career bubble that took you by surprise “bubble’. It’s taking a lot of my brain cell time these days.

So I am listing a few noteworthy other events and bubbles that happened lately or are soon happening that I don’t want to forget:

-Easter we celebrated a week late at my mom’s and it was such a nice and relaxed evening. She did a big hunt for the kids and in their big gifts of Choco bunnies they all found them with no ears!!! She had eaten them!!!! We all found this super cute and funny and then in the hunt they found the ears separately. My mom is so sweet and funny and good at this stuffJ)

-We had a family get together at Trent with my Mom’s side of the family. Was very fun and nice to finally get together again. My Mom organized a surprise for me and had a cake made looking like the cover of my book!!!! It was so sweet and the best cake ever and a card from all and a nice gift. I was truly so surprised and this was so touching and unexpected. I will remember it forever.

-Chase has a busy few months upcoming. Driver’s theory test next week and drivers licence test in June! Graduation ceremony and Prom coming up in June! Two summer jobs lined up for June! The kid amazes me and is growing up. We are impressed and proud  of him-so much going on in his life. Sec 5(grade 11) is no easy grade especially in the advanced math and science stream and he is holding his own-this stuff is not easy for him-but he is doing it. Go Chase!

-Hubby had a choir show at Place des Arts. I went with the kids and Didi. Over 100 person choir and full orchestra. It was really beautiful and a special evening for Hubby

-I am offsite all next week delivering a leadership program with the colleague I co-authored the book with. It will be and intense week and a fun one too. I love delivering this program- it is so impactful.

-I am busy these days trying to plan a lot of my life bucket list into 2015 given that my schedule is very different than it has been other years and may be in future years. Lemons to lemonade I say.

-Beauty’s dance shows are coming up middle week. She has a number of shows and they prepare big time for this. Weekends all day, all days after school, evenings, professional days. Their dance show is not an amateur thing. All tickets for all shows have been sold out most years and most to the public. Most of their teachers have studies at some of the most famous schools in NYC. I can’t wait to see our Girl!!!

-Bear is obsessed with HABS and the series. We can forget about any type of school schedule or routine at this time of the years. It’s just sort of a given that he follows the series-eats a ton of chicken wings at Cage aux sports and is not home or available during any games. That is the type of freedom you get to have when you have marks like hisJ

-Childhood Wonder and I had a great long road trip to Nanny’s funeral together and got lost many times! We had great talks and helped each other out in our lives. It is so rare to have that amount of time to talk to a friend. I really enjoyed it…it was precious.

-Hubby is taking up biking (ok he did it once ) but for him this is a big step. I am excited to see if he will take it up as a regular thing.

-I am really trying to find my way with technology. The more I am on email and texts the less I have time for anything else. Reading goes down the tube, blogging goes down the tube,  creativity goes down the tube. I am trying to set more limits for myself in evenings. The consulting route too is blurring it a bit-I need to change all my habits it is hard. This weekend I have put my phone away and email fully and although it feels weird-it feel so good too. Yesterday Hubby and I  went to cottage alone and read and napped and watched movies and ate and napped again. I love this.

-I need to trust the process for something more private in my life and I am trying to do this even though life has made it harder lately. I am trying to keep the faith, trust in someone I do believe in overall has good intentions and I have trusted immensly, trust that things will work out and go as planned and trust in this person and the process. Life has bumps along the way that can sometimes cloud our perceptions. I am trying to stay on track and believe that the universe will work it all out. This is who I want to be.

-Lastly-it is Mother’s Day next weekend and I am so desperately proud of my Mom. She despite major obstacles is doing some great work on herself this year and I am soooo proud of her. Next weekend we will celebrate with her and go to Beauty’s show with her and my Uncle and boys. Then Sunday brunch with Mom and family and Uncle Boo and then the cemetery to visit Grampy2 and Grandpapa is on-this will be interesting. (her specialty is taking what humans hate about their appearances and highlighting it in art while they pose naked). I am going for it and praying she will never ask me to be her model!! (we are not in touch very often but really want to see her show as she is very well known and want the kids to see this part of their family life)

Goodbye!!! Happy Sunday

Goodbye Her Nanny

I remember the day as if it were yesterday when Soulkeeper and I exchanged our secrets in 8^th grade up in her parents bathroom while teasing our hair and spraying hairspray all over our heads.

 “My mom is really sick”

“My Dad is too”

“It’s supposed to be a secret”

“I know. Me too”

We whispered….the shame and secret of mental illness was now a shared burden. This sealed our fate forever.

And then we hugged and hugged and cried in each other’s embrace and then got back to the more important business at hand of choosing what to wear that night that would impress the boys we were meeting at the park.

We got back to being teens. Now bonded forever through our shared sorrow. Finally someone who could understand what it meant to be parented by a parent who could barely take care of themselves.

Fast forward 7 years Soul keeper’s Mother dies tragically and suddenly. The event will never be forgotten. In the papers, the talk of the school, tragedy, shocking. She left behind 4 children aging in range from 13-21 yrs. Life would never be the same. Soulkeeper would never be the same.

We remained very close for many more years Soulkeeper and I for the births of babies, baptisms, weddings, funerals, events, drinks meals; but I pushed her away in many ways unconciously and unwillingly. I sabotaged the true emotional closeness we had as BFF’s throughout all our school years. We remained very close friends but our head and hearts did not work in unison.

I was numb. My Dad lived .Her Mom died. 

I was frightned to the core of what happened to her Mother. My biggest and deepest unconscious fear had played itself out to my best friend. My turn was surely to be soon?

In those years we stayed close but lost important pieces and parts of our friendship too. Some of it has to do with me unconsciously probably and some of it had to do with life itself. I had babies 12 yes before she did-we lived very different lives. In those years I cannot believe I left the best part of myself. I had to eventually forgive myself. I will spend my life trying to make it up.

Thank God she had Nanny. Nanny became those 4 kids mother in the most powerful and tender way. She loved them and fought for them and worried for them, and was a role model for them. She loved them more than she loved herself. She may have lost her only child but she made up for it by loving that daughter’s children. She was their hero. She was their rock.

Yesterday Nanny left this earth. It was her funeral, her burial, her celebration of her life. Soulkeeper lost her rock. She lost her Mom all over again. It has been a brutal week. It was a beautiful ceremony. I could feel Nanny all over the place.

Before she left over the years about seven years ago her spirit was already at work before she left this earth and she ensured that Soulkeeper and I got back to the place we always were in that bathroom as teenagers. Even closer together than those times-I am not even sure I can articulate our place in each other’s lives at this point over the last decade.

We deserve it. We had the strength to find each other again. Soulkeeper had the strength to forgive me. We fought our way back to each other with every bone in our bodies. Her husband and three  children have become an extended part of my family-I can’t imagine life without every single one of them.

We always say that Nanny, Catherine and my Dad are all hard at work together in the sky  making sure we are there for each other. That our families are there for each other as we lives this joyous and difficult thing called life. To now be each other’s Rocks.

I loved Nanny with my heart and soul from a distance. Loved her for the way she loved her granddaughter. Loved her for giving her everything her Mother could not.

As I watched SoulKeeper with her three adult  siblings kneeling and praying in the church in a line-my heart soared with emotion. The next generation of the children in the pew behind them and in front of me. It is hard to articulate what was going through my heart and head.

One thing I knew for sure?

Forever has just begun.

I felt the circle of life yesterday stronger than ever. Something had jut begun.

As I watched my dear friend’s precious three children run through the cemetary and pick flowers with the wind beneath their hair…I saw  us two little  girls-now turned woman…..who made it. More than made it.

God Bless your Precious soul Nanny.

Your legacy will live forever.

I got to live in the blanket of your love through Soul keeper. She shared that with me

I will take care of your girl. She will take care of me.

Thank you for the second chance.

A chance I cannot believe I almost did not have the strength to take

Fly.. Fly..Fly high against the sky..so high you almost touch the sky..thank you..thank you..thank God for you the wind beneath our wings.

My Habits as of Late

I am at my most productive when I am at my most busy. Plain and simple-it’s a fact. Like that expression “if you want something to get done-give it to a bust person” So true.

And I am very very busy lately. It’s hard to be part of a company rightsizing and then come back as a consultant mere days later. It’s strange –but parts of it are very cool too. And it keeps me busy that is certain. Big and tight deadlines, pressure, proposals, networking, I have never slowed down since the day I was told my role did not exist anymore. It’s odd.

And after the next week and a half this contract will end in big Pharma and it will be onto something new. I am going with the flow-and the flow has a lot of strategic planning involved. Let’ see if the cards all fall where I planned and intended them too. Will be interesting to see it all play out. Will be interesting to see how I adapt to this all. For now it feels like “organized chaos” and I am best in this environment.

Amongst this craziness lots of stuff has fallen out of my life for the moment:

Time with kids less in evening

Time with hubby less for sure

My house is a mess

I forget appts in evening all the time (mani/pedi)

On the other hand there are habits I have established that I always had a hard time making routine and now seem to be easier for me:

Five days a week I mediate for 10 mins as I wake up and deep breathe

Four days a week I powerwalk for 40 mins by the lake

One day a week I do yoga before dinner

I wash my face before bed as the kids get ready to be tucked in

I make time for friends and their needs no matter how late at night or how early in the morning or between meetings

I still have my shakes every morning and a lower carb dinner many nights a week

I make time for massages

I bought a new agenda after 13 yrs. of the same system

It’s just off that in the midst of these chaos-I feel more productive than ever. Being restructured is no easy feat after 12 yrs., insurance companies to change, severance to settle, the list goes on and on. Every minute of every day between working and the family is literally booked and the to do list go on and on and on besides all the normal to-dos of life.

But somehow my priorities are even clearer to me than ever before.

Each morning after my power walk I set the intention for my day and I think of what I am grateful for. Somehow breaking it down that way just really starts the day out right. Simple but strong.

Today was:

Intention: to tuck the kids in tenderly and with more time tonight

Gratitude: For Soulkeeper who during our talk last night reminded me of how unconditionally loved and supported I feel by her and how she accesses the best I have to give

Somehow all of these habits just feel good. Disciplined with good habits..hmmm I think that great book I am reading “More Life Please!” is having an impact on me.. you should read itJ

Which Project is Mine Now?

For many years my professional and family life was very straightforward. 12 years of working 3-4 days in leadership roles in Big pharma. 1-2 days of my own company Lifeworks on the side. 

It was hectic and busy but predictable. The days themselves were not predictable but in general the weeks were unless travelling about 6 weeks a year on average for work.

This allowed me to be disciplined with good habits in our home life too for 12 solid years (which I consider the most important years of our children's lives and our family lives) 

With the balance I strived for and maintained for these 12 yrs ... I was able to be the type of professional and family person I aspired to be ( with lots of faults on the home front ) 

This required massive amounts of energy from me to maintain this integration.. But was worth every struggle and ounce of energy 

I delivered 100 percent to my team and deliverables at work and I never missed a vacation, ballet recital or important event in my family-I was pretty close to 100 percent of what I aspired to at home (except for my screaming, nagging swearing and irritablity and the monthly pulling on my kids hair (hard!)

From a life work integration perspective... I had it all.And it was my mission to keep it that way. And with lots of hard work and dedication ... I did.

Now.. I am focused on building Lifeworks and trying out the consultancy life until the end of 2015 and making a decision then of which career path to take. There are so many opportunities ... this is for certain, but  this path requires a whole other set of skills and energy to two into them.

All the sudden my balance is really off again and I am striving to find it again. My days are filled so far with plenty of work ( as at  the pharma company for 4 weeks on a big project ) and my evenings and weekends are filled with creating proposals for the other opportunities coming my way that are presenting themselves through people knowing I was laid off and available and also from me networking 

It's a different life and one that I am not used to yet. I will be working around the clock for a few more weeks and then won't be having a set contract... Until I do again. Possibilities take lots of work but are not for certain.. And others just fall in your lap .

It's as if life really really wanted me to “trust the process “and decided to throw this in my face . Feels a bit like a glass of cold water with ice being thrown in your face-but on a day you needed to wake up anyways.

So no I have not found my balance yet in this structure. It will take some time.. But trust me I will .

Because as I live this .. I realize this is how most people run their lives . They don't seek balance. They want it but they don't out the effort in to make it happen and be sustained.

And what a family is left with them this is the case is in my opinion not conducive to a good family life over a long term period.

Right now my son needs braces and I have no time to handle it . My daughter craves a longer tuck- in but I am too tired and irritated to give more than 5 mins . My other son went to the dentist alone and I never asked him about it . Our taxes are due and were scrambling last min tonight to get them done until all hours of the night.. I have a friend in need and we can't find time to speak on phone. My mom has not been feeling well and I still need her to come to house for her weekly job to help or we will starve. My husband and I need to spend some quality time cuddling on the couch and chatting but we fall asleep in minutes at 11pm as one of us walks in the door. My son’s grad is coming up and I have never thought of renting him a tuxedo 

What I notice most is that the project most on my mind 24:7 is my work. I don't have time to think about myself and my family. 

And at this stage of my life... This might me appropriate and ok? Maybe not?

But I am grateful that for those 12 yrs. I carved myself out the time and space to be able to make them alongside my deliverables at work: my most important projects .Without that space in my mind-we would never had had the marriage and family life we did.

So what is my project now? What should it be? What do I want it to be? What will it be?

These are the things I am pondering these days-as soon as I have a minute to sit and think.

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