In His 18th Year

So often over this last month has this phrase been repeated to me by various institutions ; professionals ; teachers ; accountants .

Our eldest son will turn 18 on dec 31 2015 . For the moment I consider him 17 ( which he is ) but I am starting to realize that a whole lot will change the minute he turns 18.

Accountants are saying he should be a dividend receiver; teachers are saying he should have no help at all with cegep registrations and should leave him to  sink or swim in cegep ; driving instructors asking why he did not start his lessons at 16 vs half a year later ; and inheritance is coming to him through his grandfathers ; the pediatrician informed me it was his last appt with her as he is no longer under her care and needs to see a family doctor .

Everything is changing 

Especially him 

Let me tell you ( or warn you ) there is a big difference between 17 and 17.5 ... They start to realize in the second half of the year .. That they are almost a legal adult and have earned that right 

Suddenly he and we hear ourselves saying things that don't seem to sound right anymore or make as much sense as they did a year ago ( and even if I read this it seems like we might be a bit behind in our letting go process with Chase as our first one - I can see that we will treat Beauty a lot more grown up a lot earlier than Chase was treated )

Bed time chase ! ( 9:30)

If you don't xyz We are taking your phone away for the evening !

If your girlfriend comes over on Thursday night you have to study for 1.5 hrs ( in the public family space !)

Don't drink so many protein shakes !

Your hair is a mess !

Don't forget that it the cegep dealine for the new computer system learning is  today !

Did you plan how you will get to prom?

 I have personally put a full day aside to ponder these questions and answers this summer as some how the in between moments of chaos are not enough . I need to think about how to "raise" and almost 18 yr old.

Chase is starting to ask questions and want to have discussions about his contributions to the household , what the rules will be for using our car and paying gas , when will he be able to freely stay at home alone on weekends , how will be afford his car insurance , can he invest in risky stocks with the little money he has , what would happen if he fails a course in cegep would we still pay?

And most importantly : why do we still treat him so similarily to

Our younger two even if he is clearly at a very different stage ?

And the reason is ? Because he is growing up before we know the answers to those questions . He is ahead of us . We haven't got there as fast as he has

And it is time .

For us to get there

For Us to change and adapt 

For us to look at him through a different lens

It really occurred to me other day when I saw a family on vacation visiting Montreal . They were a family with 6 kids ranging from about 3-18 yrs and they treated each one in their discussions equally . It was bizarre to see ! At one point they were talking to their adult child  in the same manner as their 3 yrs old . The same tone and words in nagging and teaching and requesting . At one point the oldest kid dropped his coke on the ground and said "'shit " and I see the mom almost spanked him ! They were in lounge at hotel I was at so watched them with interest for about 30 mins .

As I watched them they annoyed me and I felt sorry for the adult kid.

Then scared me as I realized I probably do this too .. People all

Around me must wonder why my eldest child has so many rules to

Abide by when he should be busy finding his own way by now .

INeed to

Get with the program . Problem Is I seriously don't even

Know how ( and I don't have until

My pondering day on July 13 at the pool to figure it out )

So we begin the process of letting our bebe go . Trusting that we have taught him enough and coached him enough to make decisons that are right for his life . Still of course having House rules that he is expected to comply to but also hoping that the agrees enough with the rules we have set and their logic to want to apply them to his life as a young adult living under our roof.

Hoping that some if what we have engrained in him over all of these years of careful though consideration and strategy have become part of him somehow .. And if they have not .. That he finds an even better way in his life that brings him even more peace success and happiness for his unique soul. 

The next few weeks are filled to the brim with Chase for me .  I love this boy with every fibre of my being and June seems to be his month . Him accepting his diploma in cap and gown .. Him going to prom all dressed up .. Him staying out all night long on prom without calling us ... Him going off on a camping trip with friend's car not arranged by parents or the school ... Him very likely getting his drivers licence on June 30 and driving off without us in the car for the first time ... 

Him deciding when he goes to bed and when he does his homework and if he does homework at all. Him adjusting his technology and living  the natural consequences of his decisons 

Him becoming Him 

Books

Books

It’s funny over the weeks a few things were mentioned to me in relation to books by a few people I know well who sort of all said the same thing:

1-I read so much but rarely talk about the books I have read

2-I wrote a book and never shared any part of it with anyone (except the main author) before it was published which is very unusual for someone writing a book (most books in acknowledgments talk about endless nights where their countless families and friends supported them and read through the final edits etc..) As people read my book they realize they have not seen one word of it before and this surprises them

To address the first point- I LOVE books. As in love them, I always have at least 8-12 ready to read and even if that is the case before every holiday or vacation I go but at least 8-12 more. Books make my life better. Most of my friends and family and colleagues also love reading but they go through maybe 1 -2 books a year …so unless I am asked I just forget to refer anything anymore! I have two friends who read like I do and almost monthly, we place dozens of books on each other’s doorsteps. But besides that-I don’t know…because I read so much more I just forget to discuss books. And I think I like spending the time reading more books than discussing them anyways.

I went to one book club meeting and I hated it. I hated discussing the book (but I think that what bothered me more is that most the woman looked like they had not washed or brushed their hair in about a year and wore pants where their bum cracks were showing (PS they weren’t small little bums but big big bums) PSS: no my book club meeting was not held in a prison.

Book club may not be for meJ

2-I found it very fulfilling but also very difficult to co-author a book.. It was a hard process (that I am so so grateful for as learnt so much and love the final product) It was already hard to share ideas and discuss and find the time to make it all happen and agree etc between us both. Plus it was ultimately his book and I the co-author-so I just decided to forge through and not talk about it much.. That seemed to be the only way to do it or I would never have gotten done (was two years by the end-that seems a lifetime for me)

 Even now people ask me all the time “you wrote a book???” “How come you don’t talk about this more?”For some reason I am just a little more private about it…maybe it hurts a little that I haven't gotten as much feedback on the book yet that I was hoping for .. and so this makes me feel like I shouldn’t talk about it as often…maybe it’s that I am not sure it is good enough. Maybe it is that my Dad was a writer and I don’t want to be like him. Maybe I am just new at this and don’t know how to feel..

I guess I just don’t think of being a writer of having a book all that much. It doesn’t feel like a carer…but part of a journey. I am super proud and love it when people comment on it, or read it etc….but for some reason reading once again is something I do alone for now. Much like writing. Even this blog is not open to comments…although I get many by email. I am just not there yet.

One day I will be (probably related to my career and this being part of it) but for now reading and writing are a part of my life that are really my foundation but also part of a place deep inside me.

Mine.

Sometimes I get antsy and restless and even a little bored in life (even with all the chaos surrounding me yes!) The only cure? A good book.

A good book fixes anything and everything as far as I am concerned. To date I have been into fiction, self-help, business books…I think I will soon get onto some autobiographies.

I need books like oxygen. Just like I need to make lists and write too.

And that is my story..of books

A Few things not to Forget on This Friday

A busy week and what could have been a few posts will be one short little summary of a few things that meant something to me this week.

-a daughter calling excitedly yesterday from school (never calls me on the phone-only texts!) “Maman! J’ai gagne le prix de gala de sense de l’humeur (sans dérangent en classe)”!

(Mom I won the award of « sense of humour »(without disruption in classes)”

Wow this is AMAZING honor! It is the People’s choice awards and she won. Her peers voted her and a big deal and get to go to the Gala Awards ceremony which is also a big deal. What a sweetie. I love how appreciated she is by her peers. And has been a great week for her at home-we have been trying out some new strategies over the last 6 weeks  to relate better to her and they are producing some good result and closeness.

-We had a great meal together at Ikea the other night. Totally the best food. Meatballs, fries, veggies, cranberry and garlic tomato soups. Oh ya and a slice of caramel almond cake. Yummy!!!!!!!!!!!!

-It’s official I am an entrepreneur now. Yesterday my “office” was Dagwoods. And I eat out daily (aka grab a sandwich or shish taouk) just to save my sanity and get out on days I am not delivering training nor have meetings all day.

-I have a big next few weeks of work. 4 big trainings to prepare for and deliver and also two big collaborations that I have made with partnering companies to work with them….. WEIRD eh? And FAST?

-Entrepreneurial life is COMPLICATED. OMG! I am in demand-but so are my brain cells. Let’s also just say there are some very difficult people out there in the world to deal with. What a lesson in professionalism and grace this has all been. Important thing? People love my work so far and I am in demand for many various projects and activities (some of which I will love the work and others don’t interest me half as much)

-It has been a long time Hubby and I had a fight. I would say almost 18 months we have not had  a screaming match (before could be weekly). Yesterday we both let off some steam and some big mean words and let it all hang out.

-Chase is in a Raid today-the finale of his 5 yr. sports program. OMG-this is craziness. The school works for 6 months with a big committee of teachers to set up a day of Survivor/amazing race across the city of Montreal. They don’t know what to expect or do. All physical challenges in a team of 3 and that they have to get themselves to (west island to downtown and back again on bikes and foot etc). We are talking EXTREME physical challenges that put into place basically a combination of the 60 sports they have learnt and mastered in 5 years they have spent in the program. Graduates have called the program “deadly”, “pas possible” “Craziness”. Most people have said the hardest physical challenge they will do in a lifetime. We get to watch the depart on internet soon! I LOVE THIS SCHOOL!!!

Bear’s team made it to the flag football finals! The game is tonight (at the same time as Chase arrival from Raid and Bday party for Soulkeeper) haven’t yet planned how can be in three places at once!

Bullying is real. It can happen all over the world and in many types of environments. It can destroy confidence and lives. It can be obvious or subtle.Remeber bullying is about the other person and has nothing to do with the victim

-I am getting tired and bored of watching what I eat. Have plateaued from my weight loss of 12 lbs and gained back 2 of them and can’t lose them. I am still quite diligent most of the week and all shakes for breakfast and protein snacks and light dinners. But I love my lunches. Man do I love them-hate having limits on that at all and not even sure if humanly possible. I don’t think losing a few more pounds is worth it to me….I also kind of like how I look (especially with my new bras and dresses) Rationalization anybody?

-I love my phone conversations with sister SavvyJ We usually have about 15 min massive important conversations about our lives squeezed in between both our meetings…it is so funny and fun too. We don’t waste any time with small talk like “how’s the weather?” It’s always like we are left on a bit of a cliff-hanger of our conversations for both of our lives and we instantly pick up where we left off in the next conversation!

-My Protector has been doing a lot of protecting lately and being very tolerant of my obsessions of transitioning careers. All we talk about is work lately. This morning in setting my intention of the day I decided I have to tone it down a little. I (and my current life) am a little overwhelming lately. I am really hoping to have some time this summer to not think about all of this stuff!

-I miss all my friends. I see them..speak to them. But I just miss quality rime. We are all so busy (and thank goodness usually very disciplined in keeping up) but I just miss them.

-My back hurts L((lower back now which has never been an issue to my usual neck and upper back for years now. Was seeing chiro every three weeks for last few years (used to be twice a week).

-I got an amazing cake tonight for Soulkeeper b-day. Can’t wait to give it to her (and eat it!)

-I need a new TV show. Ideas? New blogs to read too

-

Moments I May have Missed

There are many moments lately that touch me to the core.Mostly involving my family. These moments were always there-always touched me-but something about the last few weeks has made me appreciate them more.

My life has a different beat to it-a different pace. Maybe somehow through it all I get more of these moments? I tell you whenever I speak to ex colleagues of mine and I ask them how they are and they say “busy and stressed” I don’t miss it there. I am not sure I ever ever functioned before without those two words in my life…now I still have them, but in between I have more recovery time. Time in between to breathe.

There is more of life for me to enjoy. More life, Please!

Last night was a Friday night where all the kids had friends over. We have a sort of weekend rule in our house that if we are home on the weekend you can go anywhere and see anyone and have whomever over. It’s amazing and has always worked well. Thank goodness we love all the kids who our kids spend time with.

Beauty and her BFF asked me to watch them dance in our dance studio in the basement. I comfortably settled myself on the couch and watched them shine in front of me. Their beauty was captivating-truly. They were dressed as twins with the usual outfit of tiny little Lycra shorts and their school dance little navy t-shirts with flowing long hair and baseball caps. They truly were the essence of beauty-at that moment they took my breath away.

And our daughter comes alive through two things 1) friends 2) dancing. In combination her face is utter happiness-she literally radiates happiness and for a girl of 13 who rarely gives me a kind word these days this was a total privilege to watch.

She truly has a BFF. Such incredible love they share. I have loved watching their friendship bloom from the most unexpected places. This is the BFF friendship  that every child, teen and adult craves. As I watch them I know they could never do without each other. They complete each other.

Then having the privilege of watching Chase drive to the cottage this weekend with me in the backseat,  giving us both advice  about our careers (damn good advice too!) Graduating in less than a month and doing so incredibly well in such advanced courses as advanced math, science, chemistry, and physics. The kids took the hard route-I am so proud of him. Did it again for CEGEP the next year and challenged himself with the more advanced English. I am in shock. And in awe.

I had his phone in my hand today and looked at the wallpaper on his home setting. Changes weekly and always his girlfriend. Today-caught my breath just like Beauty’s dance. His sweet girlfriend had taken a picture of herself in the mirror. In black and white, her reflection stared back at me. Long socks, short little shirt, a beautiful outfit. Like a ray of sunshine actually. Stunning artistic, beautiful, and feminine. Like a masterpiece of art. “This is what my son appreciates” I tell myself….I peek into his world. I love the young man he is becoming. I love looking at  the young woman’s image he so appreciates.

And Bear last weekend with my brother and his family. I love the way he interacts with adults, the way he is so at ease and comfortable and interesting. Tonight is his first real party with boys and girls and many kids invited. The way he knows the rules and can recite them by heart. The way he includes us into his life. Does he follow the rules is his business. That he knows them and seems to respect them is a privilege. All are his choices now and so far he has made nothing but excellent ones.

I am made of trust when it comes to my kids at this age. I trust them to make good decisions for their lives.

And my husband-last night a few hours of terror in my heart as my old and familiar trust issues re surfaced. I am he was able to calm myself down. Kisses, hugs, compliments. He is my rock. I am depending on him. I can calm myself down. I can make the worry of away. He can help me.

And the basketball net on our street right in front of our house that now has two younger boys (neighbors) using it daily. Brings me back to when our boys where littler, and less connected to the iPad and more connected to the outside. The ball in the hoop-the running and dribbling, the sharing of the net for the kids on the street. Times have changes to much and to fast. Watching those younger boys out there created a certain stability for me-made me know the world has not changed too much.

And my mom-this week I saw her three times! Never before have we gotten to take a quick lunch or a quick walk, or an outing so frequentlt. All in between all my work-but there are those spaces in between now . Soul keeper will call me on a walk or on my way home from work and I can speak vs text. It feels good to be so much more connected. Know what her kids are up to that day specifically-tell her about mine. I love those three kids to  bits. I can’t enter a store without seeing something for them or empty as closet without putting something special aside. To share this life so intimately is such a gift.

And bra shopping yesterday with Mom and Childhood Wonder was amazing and sooo fun! I can’t believe the bras I got. Could be life changing actuallyJ))) How did I not know about these all these years???

Sharing a Jacuzzi with the girls last night and the four of us panning our week at the cottage without the brothers (hubby, me, Beauty and BFF will be one vacation one week without the boys who have summer jobs and competitions kayak) them allowing us into that part of their lives, sharing an amazing movie with them last night as they cuddled together on the couch “Still Alice”. Moving from the phase of the 5 of us together to something different and just as special.

Watching life change.

As I spend my day today at/Trent organizing, cleaning, transitioning from winter to summer…I feel grateful that I capture these moments in my life. That I live them. That I get to do that. That I choose too.

That there are so many moments in our lives and they are out there if we claim them.

Sometimes I feel so sad in my heart. Other times my heart explodes with happiness. I feel so utterly human. So capable. So here and now-feeling what is demanding to be felt.

Whatever that may be

A Miracle has Occurred

It may not sounds a miracle to you-but it is to me and my family.

I MADE LASAGNA FROM SCRATCH LAST NIGHT!

And I actually enjoyed doing it too!!!

Ok seriously I tell people I have not cooked in a “few years” but if I am honest with myself it is over decade. I pretty much only make salads and sandwiches, the occasional contributions to spaghetti sauce or things that are already half pre-made. A lot of lunch stuff –but never any dinner stuff.

No joke.

Why might you ask? If you read my book you will know. It is something I have little time for, easy to delegate, most people around me are passionate about cooking and happy to do it, and I get many others things done while cooking is being done (how did I manage to co-author a book etc.?). Simply: I have not made space in my life for cooking nor has the need been there. I have focused on other things. Cooking was not a top priority.

I used to cook. Quite a bit. Nothing fancy but all yummy. I am actually pretty good at it. Then my husband’s culinary skills got more extensive and broad and he took over-his food is out of my league. Then I had three kids who love helping to cook or cooking on their own and I was pretty much happily out of the game.

I have always thought I have not liked cooking.

But over the years I am drawn to ripping out recipes from magazines (and never referring to them) or feeling envious of a friend who came and whipped up a curry at my cottage so expertly, or hearing of others enjoying  cooking after work and thinking to myself “why not me?”

And I have never done anything about these passing thoughts. Nada.

It has always been my plan to cook when I am retired or something when it is time for it to be a pleasure. To be like in Europe where you go to the market every day and chose you meal. That appeals to me a whole lot more than making a monthly list for Costco or planning the weekly meals and grocery shopping for massive quantities from a list. But remember. I am all about efficiency.

But somehow the pleasure in cooking (if there is any for me) is somehow not congruent with being efficient.

Think Eat Pray Love. This is more me.

I also the same way about gardening that one day I will like it (or do it). Nobody believes me though... to say I am out of tune with my more domestic side (if it is there at all) i an understatement.

So yesterday I worked all day but needed a break and my Mom and I met up and walked to the village –had a bite-and then went to do a quick grocery and walked back. I got back to work for 4 more hours and then put the radio on at 6:30pm with the news and got busy. I even forgot an ingredient and had to go back in the car to the grocery store and was CALM AND RELAXED about this.

Man I have changed.

And BTW my lasagna was MEAN. so so so yummy. Everyone gave it a 10/10 after they pulled themselves off the floor from shock to speak.

I have changed. My life has changed. So far I have found myself in a pile of consulting work (a good problem to have I am thinking!) Although this lifestyle and career is very very different for me and the pace and schedule a HUGE transition for a corporate girl like me..it has some benefits. Lots of cons too-but some definite benefits.

One of them is being able to walk to the market with mommy and feed my family at night. And between it all make a lot more money per hour while working less hours

It also has instability, beginner’s luck, lots of obstacles, hard  tough schools, never being able to get work off my mind, less of a line between work and home, and did I mention no benefits, insurance, bonus or stability? 

But so far? Not so bad. In fact..good. Really good if I am honest.

I made lasagna. This is big.

And it was damn delicious.

Next week pasta with chicken, homemade marinara and boccahini!

My world is changing. And I am flowing.

Never has my word of the year had as much meaning for me than in 2015.

"Mt" Visit in Pictures!

Airport with my babes

Dale Weise HABS anyone??? Bear spotted him at airport and me being my assertive self asked for a picture!

Pretzel and Bear

Laney and her "Tristy"

Close Cousins!! they danced and talked and drew and imagined all weekend

Pinkle and Bro

Cousins bonding

Our nature hike (sans rattlesnakes!)

Could not have asked for a nicer hike

The girls:)

Such a wonderful visit.

Blessed

Far away. Worth every hour spent getting here

Family. Important Family.

Family that never leaves your heart. Never leaves you

You go there with two of the kids Beauty and Bear-a great mix

Vegetarian tacos and lasagna and pita pockets with cucumber, tomato, feta and olives. Iced sparklibg tea with lemons, lots of chocolate covered almonds and kettle popcorn.

Long nature hikes with frogs and snakes and screams

Two decadent massages (yes two as were so good we had to go back!) Wet hot towels and arnica

Long walks with Pretzel

Bear and Auntie Sandy running

Two girls dancing dancing and dancing

Eyeshadows and lipsticks

Beautiful music coming from upstairs

Trading book titles and movie titles

Riddles at the table and naming all the USA states

Indian “breakfast” with my bro and good talks

Warm rain

Relish and antiques

Fudge and Candy and lots and lots of popcorn and salt water taffy

Signing of book and talking about all the writers in the family

Bonding. Cousins. Love

Roller-skating disco

Candles chosen over whiskey

Sweet smart kind good girls

UnderwearJ

Crickets, blood on carpets and blocked toilets in the middle of the night

Reading time, naps, tea and wasabi peas

Planning SpainJ))

Just  good old blessed. To have such a brother. And a sista and such sweet, smart and kind nieces.

Simmering in love

Baked in happiness

Like the layers of the delicious lasagna-the unfolding and layers of so much we all have. So much More.

Life is Good.

PS-so many great pics to add and not working! Come back and look later this week for this addition