The Sounds

I was aware of sounds this weekend. Or lack of them.

When I visited my friend’s home on Friday night and her three kids came to the door happily and excited and like three little puppies. Question after question, story after story for us, show and tell, magic tricks. So much life in the house. So much good noise. So many memories of our home and how it used to be. I used to think that noise annoyed me, the sounds of laughter. I realize in retrospect I loved this part of my life (the benefit and irony of retrospect)

And then the sounds of our home and cottage this weekend. Beauty is in London on her own which is strange in and of itself. We feel her absence –having two kids is very different than having three kids. We feel her gone.

And then the sounds of teenagers. When home so much more silence. The click click of texting, the silence of IPad, using the basement more, interacting less.

Radio Silence.

 And then the sounds of fear. We stayed at the cottage overnight the two of us without the kids as Beauty away and boys Halloween plans and also some work being done here with plumbing. But our night was not peaceful until Chase got home in the city at 2am and called us to say safe at home e (we set our alarm for his time expected home and if the alarm rings before he calls big panic and trouble which has thankfully never happened)

He is safe, responsible, and mature. It has nothing to do with him, but until I get that call my heart races and I panic and can’t think of anything else until he is in that door. Midnight to 2am trust me I don’t sleep soundly...usually not at all. With him driving now and out much later at almost 18 yrs old, this is our new reality. And our new reality is not that relaxing.

I hear the sound of my nagging voice often. More and more for some reason lately. I think in their new ambivalence and inattention that are hardest for me.

I hear the sound of us as a couple. Missing them more, the silence in the house. Still loving each other but missing some major pieces that made up the fabric of our lives. The sound of trying to stay connected and connect in a new way.

The sounds of missing. I  miss when we are all together the ease we always had as a family-we still have it often, but not as often. We have to rely much more on the in between moments. We have to deliberately make those happen more. I miss I miss I miss what I always had and still have but like Hubby and Mom said last night it’s like this trip with Beauty is the beginning of them all flying away from the nest. Or youngest in London? Without us? How did that happen? Finally no more baby talk. It’s gone.

The sound of my thoughts. They have lost some peace. They are searching-searching again. But for what? Having to re-create myself again both personally and professionally. Is there ever stability?

The sounds of the dog that we kept last weekend. The one we debate in our imaginations in our home in the future. The animal to love us, comfort us, make noise. The dog to hold us back, for us to resent, getting in the way of the next stage. I hear the barking and it annoys me. I don’t hear the barking and the silence depresses me.

The sounds of the future. The future scares me. Did we make the right choices? Is this the right cottage? The right ski hill? The right path? Should they have played hockey? Should we have socialized more? The sounds of a mothers’ self-confidence being doubted.

The sounds of loss and broken hearts. Emptiness and sadness. First loves. The breaking of teenage hearts. The sounds the family share. Of betrayal. The lessons of living being taught. But not my us.

The sounds of acceptance and moving to another stage. I had read in a book somewhere that really having teenagers starts  when your youngest becomes one. For us that was felt about 6 months ago. We are there. We have arrived.

I need more sounds. I need to create them. I need to make them mine. Ours. We need to adapt, and adjust and change.

What do the sounds of setting them free sound like?

Do they come back? What does that sound like?

Happy Halloween

It's what to say today right? To be polite.

Yup here that holiday is again. My most un favorite one. This year actually doesn’t bother me at all as we are not celebrating it!

Beauty is in England (another post on this tomorrow as deserves its own space!), one son is not celebrating Halloween I don’t think, and the other son is pretending he is not celebrating Halloween but he is trick or treating I think (but pretending not to).

We are not giving candy at our house.

We were invited to an adult party and almost attended-got costumes and everything and last minute something intervened in life making it so that we could not attend. We were not into the Halloween part but we were sad to miss the party with all our buddies as like the party part!. That part would have been super fun. And we would not have felt like the losers we truly are by ourselves on Halloween.

Ba humbug. I know.

But we got into the spirit last night as had an adult dinner with our wonderful buddies who have three adorable children. Was so fun sitting there and listening to them before they went to bed for the evening talk about candy and costumes and their excitment. I ADORE these three children and they feel like nieces and nephews to us-our families are so totally engrained. After they went to bed we had Thai food and fortune cookies and just had the best talks ever, had some heated debates about education, laughed a ton, planned a big future trip together and basically indulged in a great evening. It ended by me literally falling out the door! (A story for another blog)

I am glad I got to enjoy pre-Halloween through their kids and leave them all to their costumes and makeup and candies today. Might sound silly to say but last night might have been one of the top five nights of my life. Was so simple and easy and nothing special really-but special in every way actually. The beautiful children so close to us, the friends that the dynamic between the four of us is so rare and cherished I thin for for people to get along so well sharing all our lives and joys and challenges together. Laughing, screaming a bit. Helping each other through this thing called Life. It’s what my heart has always wanted that enormous pleasure of sharing our daily lives with people we love in such a constant and continuous way. It really feels like forever. And forever is what I aim for. So much love there and respect. So balanced between their lives and our lives. A place for everyone. And all our combined children; in some ways feels like they all belong to all of us.

A village. Like it should be.

Hubby and I went today  Harvey’s for a well-deserved burger today (been really both careful with food for weeks now) and at the cash there was huge pot of treats. We each took one ad then were about to grab a second and the cashier said “one per client pls” so so so embarrassing! Felt so cheap! So we  did what any self-respecting adult would do and?

Wait until she turned her back and took two more!!!! Ha-ha we are so wicked!!!

Tonight enjoying a very peaceful quiet night a deux in front of the fire. Odd, strange, a bit lonely and a bit indulgent. Perfect actually.

Tomorrow night I have a business dinner with my Swiss colleague and co-author (and friend!) at a hotel and Hubby and the boys will chow down on some serious pad Thai with the boys  will make from .scratch. One of those boys needs some serious TLC these days-being a teen can so suck. But he is handling is all so well but still hard. And beautiful girls are falling at his feet of courseJ

So to all those adults out there who love Halloween…long live diversity! Enjoy it! Don’t scare yourselves too much! And to all those who don’t…do what you love to do.

The Melancoly of this season

I love Fall. The sun , the leaves , the reflection of the moon on the water .

I adore it all. Fall is truly glorious.

Until there are no leaves and no sun and it starts getting really really chilly and is dark in the morning and dark at night . That in between season where winter has not yet begun nor am I prepared for winter yet . There are no fires and snowsuits and après ski yet . There is just cold and dark .

And my mind does not react well to this .

I think I get midly depressed even . Or maybe midly irritable ( or majorly maybe ! ) or maybe I lose confidence in this season or lose sight of my long term goals . Or I feel sorry for myself ( which is very rare ) and I feel like the people I love I am not as connected too . Or maybe a mix and blend of all if the above . Mostly I just don't feel like myself. Not all all. I sort of lose all sorts of hope in this season for some reason. 

At this time of year I do wish I was back in my cozy corporate office and that makes me sad . Because the fact is that someone else is now on that office and I am feeling the cold and chill in my home office .

Combine this shift in light and temperature with my period being less than 3 days away and we have a nasty potion .

Combine this with my three teens who really quite frankly lately have turned  on us and have become the actual " real teens "

That the books talk about in so many ways ( more disconnected , less attached , more cool and to themsleves in so many ways ) ..... This is really not going so well at all now is it !???

No wonder I feel the need so strongly for a dog or a cat or even a goldfish at this point . The loneliness is starting to sink in . ( and ps I really don't think I like dogs or cats or fish much at all in reality )

I find it harder to get up . I want to go to bed earlier . My feelings get hurt easier . I have more time to think . I don't have a good book nor do I have the energy to get one . My days are full of work but my heart is not in it for the last weeks . I am filled up in time but not filled up in my soul for some reason .

It's time to turn the clocks back I guess !!!

(And totally totally spoiled comment below so be aware .. It's time to go to the beach and hubby and I are going in 2 weeks from today and I cannot wait ).

By the time we get back :

The holidays will be around the corner yay!

The mornings will be brighter 

My agenda for 2016 will be in place 

We will be even better at kettlball workouts 

My period will be over ( and starting again ! What a waste when no more babies )

And my teens will be .... Back to normal ? Will they ever ? Thank goodness we enjoyed them when they were younger still some excellent moments but not as many lately 

- I will have relaxed and gained some perspective 

- I need time to sleep , read , feel , connect . I need to take a break from overdrive and since march when everything changed in my work I am not really sure have taken that time yet .

A break in the sun will be good 

To get back to myself 

To get back to us 

To get back the light and the sun

Does it give me Joy ?

I am current taking a course on house organizing  with my mom and have read many books on the subject lately too .

The best one by far being the " magic art of tidying up " most parts of the books were very good , some very fanatical and one part truly inspiring .

And it is that part , and that part only that plays over and over again as I tidy my cedar closet, my mudroom and my closets today 

Does this bring me joy ?

Of all the books and courses , this is what stuck and as I touch hundreds of garments and objects I ask myself this question and often out loud .

 And the conclusion : most of it does not . And the things that do ? Give me so much joy .

( wouldn't it be nice to use this excercise in people and Colleagues in our  lives too ??? )

So I am on a mission and my mission is tidying up and simplifying Since I changed  careers not once have I not worked my regular 4.5 days a week unless a vacation . For the next three weeks however ,I have put aside 3 full Fridays to do this 

Today was a bit messed up as a big client asked me to meet her mid morning and I agreed and threw on a business suit. W as worth the effort for sure as that contract will save me many networking meetings is the future . 

But I am committed to tidying 

Just like I am to regular excercise 

These are two things that when I changed careers and now am fully in control of my own time that I knew I had to make happen . And I feel proud that they are and that I am on track with my goals . It is so so so hard to fit them into my life but I feel now is the time with the added flexibility as well as the more independent ages my kids are at .

So today I feel strong and productive . A tad bored (more than a tad actually) as I am a person happiest in my head . So if I am making a list about tidying up I am happy but if I am actually doing the tidying well then not so happy. But I also like asking myself if things give me joy and realizing how many things in my life do not and that it is time to free up that space for something simpler or something better 

And one day I think the whole "does this give me joy" will be the foundation of a very important course or keynote I will give on life in general, about the choices we make and the people around us , about the partners we choose and the food we eat, about the careers we have and the time we do not .

There is a whole lot inside of me that is bursting at the seams ( sometimes literally if I look at the way some of my old blouses now fit !)

 This year is just the beginning of joy for me . The very tip of the iceberg of what is to come professionally . I feel like I am on a discovery: digging, learning and exploring. some days are good and some not so great-but I know it all need to flow in exactly this direction.

For the first time ever I may actually be truly trusting the process. 

Time to make it all happen 

Be Gretchen

(well in this case it is Be Tarina, actually)

From the books Gretchen Ruben wrote and which I have read (Happiness Project and Happiness at Home) this is what a retained the most.

Similar to in the Magic Art of Tidying –the phrase: Does this object give me Joy?

What can I say I am a simple girl. All I need to adore a book is one life changing nugget of truth.

I have been thinking a lot of Be Tarina  as I surprise even myself lately. Sometimes I expect things of myself that I just know are not woven into my natural fabric. I often go against who I truly am at the core-or I am too hard on myself for traits that I likely can’t (and should not) change. There’s one thing about trying to develop in areas where you feel can really make a difference or that you know are toxic, but there are some things about ourselves that are just who we are and we need to accept.

I loved Ruben’s chapter on Be Gretchen.

A few things about myself that are really in that category of Be Tarina. More and more I know I can’t resist them and I can’t get down on myself for them either. They are not going away anytime soon.

1-People think of me as so extroverted. I am really not. I don’t pull my energy from other people. Don’t get me wrong I love (some) social events, I love 1-1 or small groups of friends, I liked very much working in a big company, I love (often) being with my family. But hardly any of this compares to alone time with a great book and in my own head. I am really, really in my own head and good at it too. I am not the life of the party (with no alcohol or coffee kinda hard to me too and I juts don't like either  of these substances much probably bc they make me too fun??)\

That is probably what my marriage works so well. My husband is not extroverted at all and much better at 1-1 than a group. He is funny and interesting and bright and attentive but not in an over bearing way. He doesn’t tend to get on my nerves a lot where very extroverted people do a lot even when I love them dearly. He is the perfect match for me to come home to every day and live with (vs he would not be my first pick for a wild love affair in my 20’s as he is much to calm for that type of wildness needed!) Him and I can sit in a room and read beside each other for hours, days, weeks and not get on each other’s nerves much. And we talk and talk and talk and like the same things. This is rare for me. Almost everyone gets on my nerves somehow and someway (as I am sure I equally get on their too!)

This is my secret to 19 years of successful marriage: Find someone who annoys you very little.

I have a wild side to me and a very calm side and as I get older that wild side is really diminishing.

Be Tarina

2-People get on my nerves a lot. I am irritable. I am judgmental. I can be very jealous too.

I truly don’t like this part of myself. At all. Each time it rears it ugly head I wish I could just push it away. But I can’t. This will need therapy for sure one day. I think it stems from having to have worked very very hard for where I am at in my life right now emotionally, physically, mentally, professionally. Seems like I came out of the womb and had to perpetually fight my way through life to learn some basic stuff and skills and felt to me like I had to do so much of it alone. Feels like much of my life was pushing, controlling and working for whatever reason. Or maybe that is just the way it occurred to me. The fact remains that I feel that way. And when I see people who make so many bigger mistakes than I do, are so much less deliberate, and are so random and spontaneous and not hard working yet in blissful and easy situations? I get irritated and judgmental. And jealous.

Be Tarina

And Tarina. Look into this one. It is not peaceful to stay this way.

3-I am not that social.

As much as I would like to think I am-as as good at it all as I am (as both personally and professionally I a very good at connecting and socializing) in many ways I actually dread social event or even meetings. And not out of fear or insecurity or anything like that-it almost like energy is being zapped from me in these situations and I want to preserve that energy to be in my head? It is so so odd.

Like right before we have people over I resent it. Or right before I go into a big meeting, I do dread going. It is so weird as I often end up loving these interactions. And most often the people involved I love. And the interactions are most often great and successful and wonderful. But it’s a bit like exercise for me-I never ever feel like doing it but feel great when I have.

Being in my head gives me much more energy. Reading a book bring some much more energy.

Be Tarina

4-I am very not good:

At cooking (well I am actually.. but I hate doing it it seems)

At Quebec politics (no interest, but truly naïve of me)

At animals (we shall for sure as we have a dog for the weekend here for a bit of a test. )

At kids/teens (ya ya I know I am supposed to be a family expert and everything but naturally I don’t think I am good at it)

I am so not good at so many things. The things I am good at I am really really good at-but most of life normal stuff I am sadly not good at.

5-My feelings get hurt easily. I expect to get the love I give and sometimes I don’t get it and then my feelings get hurt. I expect a lot from people. Probably too much I guess?

Enough said

Be Tarina. (This won’t ever budge)

6- I cannot deal with people and situations where communication is shut down. I am articulate and emotionally intelligent and cannot tolerate when others around me can’t do the same personally or professionally. Big turn off for me and really makes me lose respect quickly

Be Tarina

(This one seems to have been passed down to my eldest son. He has grown up in a family environment where being truthful and honest and articulate about feelings is both expected and praised and encouraged the world outside is not necessarily the same and is full of repressed people when it comes to feeling things and expressing things. I see it in his relationship with his (now ex) girlfriend)…..he cannot believe that someone he cares for would chose the easy way vs true honestly and confrontation. We share this gene for sure.

Be Tarina

So I am sure the list can go on and on but the point is that these are traits about me that I need to embrace (if that is possible) rather than resist and reject. That’s just the way it needs to go.

So that’s it. I liked writing this post. I encourage you to be who you are too. And be aware of who you are. We can all stretch ourselves, but we all have limits too and boundaries. We are all different and that’s what, makes the world turn round.

Be Tarina

Little Skirts

I love the high school our kids are attending (or have attended), I am not sure there is even one thing i could say is not good or even perfect about this school. Everyone who goes there seems to share the sentiment.. It’s almost scary how good their reputation is. 

Until now.

There is that one thing that I realized really really bothers me. And it was echoed to me the other day how much it bothers other parents too.

The uniform of the girl’s skirts is way too short. And I mean way way way too short 

As in scary short and ridiculous short.

I was reminded of this fact when we attended a meeting for parents and students re the London upcoming trip.

Our school does about 20 international exchanges a year. The school is esteemed all over the world. Never a single detail missed or complaint about any kid from this school on trips and all the international schools eager to partner with them.

But the one negative feedback around the world? Pls have your female students arrive in jeans with their top uniforms as the short skirts cause big problems with the other countries private school girls. So the schools actually ask that the girls wear jeans vs their skirts it is that bad!

This is crazy and so embarrassing.

I remember when Beauty joined the school the year prior, they had sent out a survey about the school and all comments were exceptional and outstanding as always from students and parents. The one area that was repeatedly said however was that the skirts needed to be longer.

So they adapted and year Beauty joined the skirts were made 3 inches longer by the uniform provider. So now in the school girl’s sec 2-5 had short adorable sexy little skirts and the new sec 1's have skirts almost to their knees. 

So what do you think happened?

Like every girl in Sec 1, Beauty refused to buy the new skirt. She bought three second hand ones at more than the price of new ones. So did everyone. I have not seen a single sec 1 wear the new skirt even after two years. The second hand skirts are precious and sacred and sold like hotcakes within minutes over social media 

Go figure 

For my daughter, this has not made me lose sleep as she is tall and thin and pulls the skirt off well and suits her body. But if I had a daughter who was heavyset, I would be petitioning in front of the school. It is outrageous to expect that girls should wear such skirts at a private school 

All of my daughter’s gang all have very similar builds and so I am blind to it all much of the time. None of us are overly conservative either about what our daughters wear. They try and push the limits a bit with length of shorts and skirts and mid drift tops but they also all look good, dignified and cute. It’s not something that is an issue nor are we going to let it become one. With teen girls this is part of them growing up and testing out their independence and style is a big big thing. There are many other areas that are much more important to me than the length of a skirt 

But that is unique to me as I have a daughter who feels good and confident in this mini. I also have a daughter who if a dirty old man tried to approach her and gawk at her that she would tell him to go to hell and punch him in the face!

But what about girls at the school who have to dread wearing this skirt daily and who are forced too and don’t feel flattered by it or confident in it?. It does not seem right to me.

Or whose parents are stricter about clothing... They are not supposed to send them to this amazing school? Because of a skirt?

I am all for style and we all know that style and funkiness is an important value at our school (reflected again in the converse shoes worn with the minis) but at what cost? And what does this reflect about the school?

Trust me I am not all into the modesty thing either. A blog I love this summer that believes for  reasons particular to their faith in modesty ,and posted a pic of her beautiful daughter in the most gorgeous grad dress with a spaghetti straps. The blogger literally had dozens of comments criticizing her that she says she is all about modestly but ALLOWED her daughter to wear that??  I have honestly never read such a ridiculous debate in my life. The girl looked classy and beautiful and is a teenager and not a nun!!!

I am sure that she and her parents also felt she needed to let lose a bit on her grad night regardless of their usual standards and rules and was ridiculous to have this a a source of concern on the blog comment wars in my opinion ! Maybe that one particular night was an exception and an opportunity for her too to express her femininity in way that felt good to her and her family on this special occassion!

So all that to say I am proud of the school for a million reasons ….

But i am not proud of their skirts 

I am not proud that my daughter cannot proudly go to London in her uniform and is being told to wear it on her hips or possibly even wear jeans instead of it

I think that to make up for their silliness and lack of social awareness the school should on their own buy a new longer skirt for every student and the old ones should be banned 

What do you think?

Ps – if this blog post becomes popular my daughter will kill me. She adores her skirt :)

Getting a little tired lately of the Parenting thing

Let's keep it honest here people.

My kids are grating on my nerves, especially since we got back from vacation in Spain.

My mentality sucks lately-it’s sort of like: My gosh we have done this parenting thing for so long-give us a damn (the nice word!) break. It’s like we are worn out-like an old pair of shoes. Just too much at once. And even the normal stuff we seem to be struggling with. It’s like we have expired or something. It feels ridiculous actually.

I know we will get back on track and be praying again for those little chickadees to live here as long as possible before starting their own lives …but for the moment…sending them off to college out of town sound peaceful (I did not say that!!!)

It’s a fact that we (and our kids) are not good at transitions. So as luxurious as a vacation is for us to be able to take,we pay for it majorly when we get back. Our kids don’t want us back either so that does not help. All routine has been broken, they make their own rules, and they realize how much more relaxing it is without us around. We also get used to the ease of life with two of us.

I have always known that if we were divorced we would suck at it if we had to transition back and forth between not having kids with us to having them with us. I have found in my circle of people I know divorced those with blended families who have kids around most of the time fare much better than those who have kids part of the time and then no kids half the week. (Or one week one week) I remember three collegues of mine at work always saying that they felt perpetually annoyed with their children upon their return from the other parent’s house as the transitions were so frequent and the aloneness so quiet! I think I would be like that !I suck at transition!

Let’s just say our return from vacation has not been smooth at home. The second night I think Chase lost his mind. Literally. This fairly even tempered human being just decided to start screaming at us both about our diet and health habits (that are for the record the best they have even been in our lives!) He screamed that my protein shakes are stupid and going to kill me, he told us that we needed to be eating chicken breasts and avocados and bananas every morning for breakfast (yuck! And PS I am allergic to avocado and bananas and he knows it!) He just lost it for 5 hrs and screamed and ranted and raved and called us retarded. It all started when I asked him to clean the kitchen and he said that when Didi was here she let him do it at 11pm.

He apologized but it was-fricking odd of an episode and now every time I don’t eat chicken for breakfast I feel like a big loser.

Next comes the news of the week. Beauty left her brace on the city bus and it was never found. No ..no..not the free rigid one that the government pays for..the day brace that we invested in that costs 3,500$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and is adjusted to her body with hours and hours of x-rays and corrective movement positions and tests and appts etc. And that usually is uncomfortable for weeks after and takes many adjustments to get back to comfort after an adjustment.

PS-just call this a total nightmare. She is booked to get the new brace next Thursday. I am quite certain that after 56 hours the lost and found will not find her brace at the city bus unit but let’s just hope for a miracle. (And I hesitate to even complain about this as quite frankly I would take this problem over any health problem of Beauty or anyone else) The stress I feel over this is ZERO compared to the stress I feel in the hospitals waiting for her x-rays results every 6 months. So this is minor but feels very major right now.

Anyways fact is..I feel tired of parenting this week. If I could I would hide under my blankets in bed for a week and eat bonbons and maybe even smoke cigarettes and get drunk (PS I don’t smoke or drink)..I would.

It doesn’t help that Hubby and I have set a goal to lose 5 lbs each in the next 4 weeks and so I have been living on protein shakes and almonds and cheese. And a biteful of Greek salad at night on a good day. I lost two pounds already this week but let’s just say I am a little crabby.

Also hard to have nothing to look forward to on weekends as the next 4 of them are pure work around the house. Marathon work. A friend said to me this week she cannot believe how disciplined we are with setting time aside on weekends to get stuff done around the house. I laughed as we have no choice but to do this! I hate it! But with a house and a cottage and three teens stuff needs to be done and we are forced to do this (which is so worth it to enjoy the cottage in the seasons that we relax more winter and summer) But man oh man I am not looking forward to the next month of major chores and not eating.

(That chicken and avocado and banana is starting to sound pretty good)

So ya although I love vacation……I have to say there is a cost.

And that cost for us seems to be that parenting gets on our nerves after (sorry kids can’t always be positive!)

The other day my husband got out of bed and 5 mins later came back..almost in tears and just asked me to hold him tightly. Worried as completely out of character I said “My gosh what happened” and he said……

Just can’t do real life.

Honey, as silly and dramatic as that sounds I get you. There is something about the transition of summer to winter that just does us all in mentally and physically. Throw in an extra 4k there and a ton more of radiation and some chicken breasts for breakfast and I want to cry with youJ