The Scar is Starting to Heal

I have a scar on my body- very tiny that i got a year ago. Over the last year it remains and won't fade. Its presence bothers me . Yesterday i noticed it is starting to heal and fade.

I guess time really does heal . I will always have that scar - but it has faded.

I feel like that is the story of my life . Hurt and healing. Scar and fading . I have always said that this blog is where i share it all . The good and bad and all in between , but if i am honest i dont share everything . Not even close . Mostly for privacy and respect of others, but also for myself too. Just like my scar- i am not fully there yet . I know i will be one day... but its not today

I want to talk about my daughter today. That has been another scar in so many ways. A joy scar. So much pain between she and i in the past for so many years. So much love and pride , so different than the experiences i have had with her two brothers at the same ages where there was so much open communication and whose adolescences thus far have been smooth sailing.

I have worked tirelessly on my relationship with my daughter . So has she in so many ways . In the last year i have seen so many changes , in the last months so much more , in the last weeks i have never gained so much respect for a human being, and in the last days it just all feels so familiar and " normal" teenage eye rolling vs alienation
I have craved that for so long. No promises it will all stay but i have seen it - i have seen HER .

And ? I am completely smitten

I am overflowing with love
For her courage on jan 9 2017 for hours and hours
For her talking and laughing at the table with her family
For the inside jokes she shares with her brothers
For all the expensive clothes she  works for and saves up for and buys herself
For her brothers borrowing all their sisters clothes
For her commitment to hip hop and the fact that she refuses to miss an hour ever
For her recent desire and passion to become a lawyer as a career
For her passion for the homeless and less fortunate
For all the volunteering  she does this winter every weekend
For her getting called this morning to over as a paid ski instructor because of her hard work !
For her sweet love of the boys she loves
For her sharing that sweet love with me
For her realizing her own power and capability on jan 9 2017
For all of us around her realizing it to
For her ability to set us all free
To set herself free


My profound love and respect my darling girl . I am so very sorry that it has taken so long to get here . I am so sorry that you may or may not have been used as scapegoat for bigger problem saving nothing to do with you . I hope things stay in the way they have been the last few weeks and built on that deep foundation. I love you fiercely and forever

I can't wish you Happy Birthday this year

Some birthdays are better than others . 

Some are a wonderful

Others are desperately hard

Some are painfully hard yet have moments of ridiculously beautiful all mixed in one

Was such a break to have the beautiful time for those few hrs 
To just forget and be together

2017 can only get better at this point..... At least that is a comfort

We all have our story

Declaring your TRUST is not a guarantee that everything will work out the way you want however the fact that you actually declare your TRUST means from this moment forward (  try your very hardest ) to forgive you for any wrong doing in the past, and trust you going forward. 

The other person now has to step into your TRUST as well and be who he or she needs to be and do what he  or she needs to do to honor that privilege of TRUST that you bestowed him or her 

To say you are partners in life and having never given your TRUST means something was missing to elevate the relationship to a TRUSTED PARTNERSHIP.

It is risky business to TRUST anyone let alone someone who has violated your TRUST. By declaring your TRUST he or she he now has to confront where he or she does not TRUST himself and build that up for himself or herself 

It is unquestionably painful and the easiest thing is to make him  or her and less than a real whole person and walk the hell away. (which is what most people do) That is one option. If that moves, touches and inspires you and then do that however it is past based as are all options.

To create a new context for your relationship starting with the love you already have - plus TRUST- then another future is possible to emerge that your other  options would never make possible

Robert Shereck (probably the smartest kindest person on earth- that I get to be nutured by)

Legacy Transformation

It is one thing to declare tour trust . But to do it in front of your children?

It is  is a whole other ballgame 

Many couples doesn't ever get that " opportunity "

They don't need it 

Or want it 

I guess we are lucky?Is this what luck feels like?

these three are our pride and joy

Happy birthday 

This is Us

Voices. Getting Louder

I have always heard the expression of " listen carefully to the little whispers in your head and life"

And i have very largely ignored my whispers most of my life
I have even ignored the wise speeches about how important the whispering is in life

Especially as it relates to career and my passion around it ( or lack of passion in some cases )
I have ignored who i fundamentally am in many ways in order to be what i feel is right or needed and feels good

Lately there is a lot of whispering going on in my head . A lot
Its almost shouting at me
I am excited to clue myself in
To listen
To listen to the side of my brain that is not rational
And let it lead me to other places
The places where they whisper
A whole new place for me

Shame

I have no makeup and i pulled my daughters hair

Not every day is good
Yesterday was not even close to good or normal

I got fed up of having forgotten my makeup at home for now close to 2 weeks . Aggravated . Annoyed. Seemed like a big problem at the time

Completely unrelated and much worse is that beauty and i had an outrageous blowout. And i led it . Every profanity came out of my mouth imaginable . And i pulled her hair many times and she was even left with a scratch on her forehead

I have never ever had this  type of interaction with her or resorted to this completely unacceptable behaviour on my part. We were both in complete shock. Literally

It was the finale to a long history of  years of accumulated rage inside of me as to the way she treats me so continually and other members of our family . I lost it and it scared the hell out of me and her


I can never take it back . Will be engrained in her forever . It really shook her up. Who knows where it will lead . Very likely to positive things  as she was so scared ans will maybe  change the behaviour but that is not at all the point . It was wrong and i knew it and she knew it and i felt sick all day with shame. I may never recover

Just saying its not always all peachy for this " extraordinary " mom . Not at all
And the only solace i have in this is that i have the chance to be authentic and admit it here and keep it real for you

In the morning i felt like having no makeup was a big problem
By the end of the day i could not care less

My Word of 2017

Is ...

Extraordinary 

It was chrystal clear for me in the last few months that this is what it was to be . 

Extraordinary both personally and professionally . And the definition for my life is probably very  very different for what it might mean for your life . Which is fine because it is my word of 2017 .

Extraordinary to me at this phase of my life means especially professionally accessing my full passion and my full potential career wise .

I have not yet ever done this 

And it was a very concious decison 

I held back

I protected my life 

And i have not one ounce of regret 

And i did and am doing great things in my career and have always climbed the ladder and been successful

But nowhere nearly of what i am capable of 

I have always hid my talent in many ways

To be able to be the type of mother and wife and daughter and friend i want to be 

And it worked well . I have been able to have it all on alot of levels . 

Have led a very  healthy and balanced life 

I am naturally better at career than being a mom so i needed to work harder at being a mom .

I think i am where i need to be now as a mom  . Hallelujah! Only took 19 yrs of laser focus ! I think i am also where i want to be as a wife . Only took 20 years ! (Ok ok so maybe i am not as fast as some on that area )

Its time to come out of my career closet . What will it mean ? I have no idea yet but it will happen in 2017 . I will likely keep much of what i am already doing as i love most of it and it has been very profitable . But 25%  at least of what i do will change and be accessed in myself in a way it has never been before. 

It will be super extraordinary. I totally can't  wait to meet extraordinary . And its going to add a whole new layer of goodness to my life. My feeling is by 2018 i wont even be able to believe it 

When I want something i make it happen

I want this . I need this 

And family wise - it seems crazy to say this but overall i actually feel peaceful! And often in the moment ! And a good mom ! And a good wife ! Far far from perfect. I rage alot and nag alot and over dramatize alot. But i have come sooooooooooo incredibly far . With so much deliberate focus and attention to it . 

I feel like i can focus on other things now - finally . 

I did it all for so many years the career and mom thing . High up on the family ladder and  high up in corporate latter .Its not an easy task

Now i am on safe secure and equal ground . My feet are firmly planted . My garden is watered. 

I get to choose now . I have earned that right . I deserve it . Its mine 

I have become extraordinary in my family and my goal is to keep it going always . And again my extraordinary in many was might seem like your basic and in other ways be even be more than extraordinary to you . In some ways as a family person i am a complete failure and in other ways i am a huge success . It depends who is watching and judging it . It depends from what place they are watching from and where they are at themselves 

Some may look at my typos in this blog and grammatical errors and lack of punctuation and capital letters as failure 

I see it as extraordinary. As dont let good me the enemy of great . I am doing it yet have no time so this is my compromise for me . What may piss you off and make you judge me might be my form of being extraordinary. Ever consider that ?

From my place - i am becoming my own form of extraordinary and my goal is to do this more and more often . And to never take it for granted as has taken me years if hard work to achieve it . I wAnt to keep it going .

And career wise nobody knows what i am capable of . Even me 

I am meant to soar in career

Most people assume i already do 

But i am not fully there yet

Its time 

Its MY time for the first time ever

Being free makes it possible to be extraordinary 

I have never been free 

Until now 

I have fought for it and earned it 

Singlehandly

I feel peaceful and courageous and ready to take on my life 

My successes and my failures

To forgive and forget 

To leave the child at the door and become the woman I have always been destined to be 

Could be a touch i have never given, or the letter i have never written , or the conversation i have never had.  Could be admitting the truth to myself or others, could be letting in or letting go . Could be facing up to the weak and selfish parts of myself or celebrating my integrity and authenticity. Could be having a radio and tv show and writing a best selling book. Could be cooking more and eating less . Could be caring more on some areas and caring less in others . Could be taking more risks with my heart but feeling less pain . Could be me contributing in a way i have not done before to the world. Could be me being famous and travelling all over the world . Could be me doing something nobody has ever done before . Could be a simple hug or heartbeat , things i let go or let in . Could be forgivenss for someone who doesnt deserve it all all or admitting i have been cruel . Could be leading someone or being led .

Its time to share my secrets 

Thats what i know for sure 

2017 is just the beginning for me 

I am ready to be what i have always deserved to be 

From where i have stood - where i am standing and where i will stand one day ......

For me i will live into extraordinary in a way that has never been accessible to me before this moment 

Its my time .

In January 2017 i am giving myself five complete creative days at the cottage just me myself and I to figure it all out . Five days of uninterrupted luscious hard soul searching days in the snow to figure out exactly what extraordinary means in my life 

How to become it 

How to live it 

And how to make it mine 

Its time to share my extraordinary with the world 

Its time to admit to myself ...

To access in myself ...

That i have extraordinary in me 

Me R 

Chase turns 19!

Chase turn 19!!

My new years eve baby is a young man now . For years we have been suggesting he move his bday celebrations to may 31 as sucks for him to have all his gidts right after xmas ans he agreed this year 

So simple bumps last night at midnight and cuddles and song in bed to wake him up and the 19 things we all love best about him. A brunch out on the 4 by 4 and just love ... simplicity. What he loves . Especially a cuddle with his sister :)

How he occurs to me at 19

• family guy through and through . I suggested yesterday that maybe he would want just him and his dad at brunch and he looked at me like i was crazy and said " no i love my family . I want my  whole family there "

• he is so determined and perseverent . Took himself from a kid who had good marks in sec 3 and struggled in math to an honor student in cegep in the 90's on all things math and calculas and economics and linear . All bc of committed hard work !!

• he loves his mommy :)))) always been a mama boy and tells me everyday . We can fight but we make up within hours. He is soooooo much like me it scares me ! 

• he is funny . Like super super funny and makes everyone laugh all the time . Adults especially

• he is not afraid of who he is . Honest and transperent . Cries .. laughs .. shares feelings . Talks about stuff to us all that most 19 yr okd boys wouldn't dare speak of to their parents . Authentic should be his middle name 

• constantly strives to be better in school and business and has laser focus when he wants something ( like jmsb ! ) for a guy with very high level of adhd this is no small win

• resilient. Had a hard time this vacation with love life and is still able to hold love highly in his heart but move on gracefully for his own sake in his own time. This is a guy that is literally a chick magnet as he has it all . The looks and the smarts and the drive and also the compassion and love and kindness and a wondeful spirit and life . There will be many woman in his life just waiting for him to be free . The one ends up with him forever is the luckiest girl ever 

• he is an incredible brother . Can be very bossy and sometimes even a bully but mostly just so full of love and looks out for them all the time like a parent . Especially his sister who can really treat him unkindly ( and the rare time very kindly ) but he persists and looks out for them both all the time . And annoys the hell out of them very very often too . ( like taking all the clothes out of their drawers randomly and throwing them on the floor while they are studying is not a good quality at all ! )

• he loves his parents and shows and tells us all the time in words and in action too . All the time . 

• he listens to rules and negotiates and discuses vs defies them . We come to a middle ground . He respects us and we respect him 

• He is gorgeous and stylish . Always had this easy look and style that everywhere we go draws attention. Not a week goes by that someone doesnt tell me how charning he is and how gorgeous his green eyes and dark hair . Often now is is older woman !

• He is the food and excercise guru in our home and keeps us all on track . Funny thing is he goes through phases himself of ignoring his own advice  !!!! But the rest of us stay on track when it is not vacation 

• he and bear are bffs . They fight ( oh god they fight ) but they adore eachother and do stuff together and love eachother to the core . I never ever thought would have two boys so different yet so incredibly close and attached 

• he will be an incredible business man or finance guy or entrepreneur. Can see already he will be extremely successful in terms of career. At xmas party everyone was commenting about it as the conversations he has with adults is pretty amazing . Reminds me of savvys stepson gabe in that way . Can talk up a room and have everyone listening from a very early age . Its a gift 

• Is an amazing help in our home when he wants to be . Has been driving motor vehicles and boats since very little . Now those skills have translated into a great driver and he helps me alot with the kids and errands and driving

• always meets new people . Has a bff for years and lots of friends and always making more friends . Isn't the type to dwell on stuff . Feels alot and moves on with grace . Probably one of the most mentally strong  young people i know 

• just overall good amazing 19 yr old guy . On certain days ( many ! ) he drives me crazy but most days he is just a total pleasure. I am so happy his first choice of university is in Montreal. We are nowhere near to being able to say goodbye to this guy and have so much fun in pur house with him around . When he is not hyper it is like being with another adult and we love it 

Guests about to arrive for a big new year party at cottage . Boys just left for home for their new years parties . 

December 31 is one of my fave days of the year . We just had an amazing family brunch out and was so wonderful and fun .

I love that my baby was born on this day . Because he was my first i would consider it as the best day of my life ( with two other best days not long after )

He changed my life in the most amazing way and every day i learn from him and want to be better bc of him 

Love you so much chase !!!!

What i made happen in 2016

What ( I made happen ) in 2016

Sorry for typos when on ipad a nigtmare to edit 

I like looking back 

Not at events but at success

Things that even if super small to some are huge to be bc i have wanted to accomplish them for years

Other things that are big that i cant believe i accomplished

2016 my pride list :

I cooked a few meals !!! Like maybe 10-12 ! All crockpot ! People actually send me recipes now 

I found an excercise i pretty much love and that i am sad when i miss . Mostly restorative and yin yoga but even regular yoga too 

Hubby and i for a full year now do crossfit kettleball training fairly religiously twice a week now and walk there and back . We don't  love it but we tolerate it . And most importantly- force ourselves to go 

I am working mostly from home and ok with this alot of the time 

I am doing alot more good deeds and selfless acts this year and often amongst my busiest times of work . Doing things that i know will brightnen someone elses lives . Things like taking a woman who i admire who just moved out to dinner on her bday and inviting a stanger to xmas dinner on her bday as she is alone , or randomly donating to many causes or shifting whole menus without a fuss for dietarty requirements etc. And then the smaller things like doing things at home i normally hate like playing cards but doing it for my hubby bc he loves it.

I have grown my business and have doubled ( so far ) my income from my corporate role per year  and on most weeks work half the amount ! ( and on many other weeks work triple the amount especially when business travel ) may not keep up like this but was very happy with my first 1.5 years!

I sleep often now 6.5-7hrs a night on weekdays which is good for me 

I drink protein shakes every morning for a few years ( except one weekend day a week )

I play games and cards to make my family happy 

Although my eating habits aren't stellar At all i feel good about them . I eat for my appetite and try often to make good choices . I think i am on a good rythm

I started finally taking daily multivitamins and vitamin d 

( had to fit it in somehere in 2016 that my pet peeve still remains the same . Since every year my kids have been born. Getting the family out the door for activities or committments. It is the moat annoying frusterating thing on earth. All the nagging and reminding and begging to just pls get off your asses and out the bloody door already !!!!!! Thank god i have had nothing to do with their getting put the door for school. I gave at up years ago and has made me a much happier person . Forget your lunch or snack or hat or boots their own problem . My car leaves at 6:50

My marriage is awesome . We have figured out as a couple some issues that we have had for years and feel so peaceful about that . Also had a couple of emotional difficulties this year as a couple and hung on hard and didnt let go and let it bring us closer rather than tear us apart . I think we are in the best place right now we have ever been and so proud that we have worked through our stuff 

I try to control people less and not make them into who i feel i need them to be . I take the good stuff and the stuff i love and have my other needs met elsewhere through other relationships. Or work together very honestly and authentically on solving any differences . I also put up with less crap in general and have more balance in my relationships . There are a couple of relationships in my life that i never knew were possible - to feel that close and connected being able to fully be myself in every way and be loved and adored . Made me realize what true unconditonal love feels like 

I am a better mother. Especially in my relationship with my daughter. I committed and never ever give up 

I am more spiritual . Not religious but have more faith . I do pray and also pray for others going through a hard time . It makes me feel connected to the human condition ans hopeful . Also yoga is a highly spiritual experience for me and i look forward to that mental and physical immersion weekly ( i do so wish i could feel this way about kettle ball training ! )

I am honest about what i am and what i am not to those i love . And i work on speaking their love languages and adapting to their needs . Changing my weaker parts . For love 

I don't  let my days be defined by my moms health . Its been a long long long journey but i think i am finally here . To love her every inch and to emparhize fully - but to have my being and my life and seperate from her own . To be able ..... to feel happy and peaceful despite her ongoing constant health issues and to show her love while still being able to take care of my own family emotionally  and physically. I love her every bit as much but cant control what is happening and i have to accept that  

I have very successfully moved from raising two boys to raising two young men. We have such open conversations about their furure , their sexuality etc and they really come to me for advice and guidance

I am behind in 3 yrs of picture albums and got most of this done in 2016 and will frame in early 2017

I have come complete with my past and am building the clearing for the full landscape of my life . I am accountable for these changes to those i love most and have declared them . I am creating the possibility for myself to be extraordinary prodessionally and as  personally a mom and wife and letting a new side of myself emerge  . The second part of my life is about to begin and it will be very very different .

Few goals for 2017

Add more  cardio to workouts on treadmill or walking 4 times a week high intensity

Skin care regime / treadmill and tuck in emma every night all lumped together 

To find a social activity just for me 

To get some new couple friends that we have in mind and get to know them

Sea of cortez :)))))

To be less dramatic about other peoples suffering that i love that i can not control . To love love love but in a ( slightly ) more detached way

To really begin my " real" career this year 

To put more effort into my looks on a daily basis 

To eat better not to lose weight but to just feel good and nutritious. Losing weight would be awesome but i have accepted i am not willing to do what is needed at this point in my life to be one dress size smaller 

And my word of 2017 will be unleashed on jan 1