Sore Intentions

“We judge ourselves on our intentions , however we  tend to judge others on their actions”

I remembered today this quote and I think it is extremely true.

It came to mind for me as I was limping to the car in the rain this morning trying to simultaneously not get my hair soaking wet, run back inside for my security pass for work and trying to balance my bag, by shoes and my keys in one hand (and my breakfast muffin).

I was in a bad mood because my foot hurt and I could barely walk. For some reason over the last week (which I have yet to figure out how)  I somehow sprained my foot skiing or skating. Weird as I never even knew I hurt myself until I could barely walk by the end of the week.

I started thinking how annoyed I was to have this very irrelevant and subtle pain in my life even for a few days. It changed me: my outlook, my tolerance and my patience. It has  made me really grumpy and aggravated.

It made my already full life that much more difficult. And made me think of this quote above

Imagine all the people in this world walking around with “invisible” problems? Problems much more severe than a hurt foot that will soon heal quickly.

Chronic pain issues. Divorce. Losing a loved one. Invisible Disabilities. Alcoholism. Missing their kids when they are at work. Worrying about an impending court date. Feeling lonely. Depression. Laid off from work. Stressed. Hurting. Having difficult decisions to make. Going through difficult transitions.

Imagine how under many circumstances our actions and behaviors may be perceived wrongly or interpreted falsely all because of other factors. Our actions are very often different than our intentions. If no one knows about my foot and my mood-how will they judge me today?

Isn’t that scary?

And when do someone’s circumstances become an excuse instead of a circumstantial element? At what point do people have to take  the responsibility of  our own behaviors and actions fully? Where is the limit between understanding and appreciating someone’s circumstances and having to almost accept them as your own? Whose responsibility is this? It’s hard to know sometimes isn’t it?

So as I felt my hurt foot today and tonight, and dealt with the annoyance however small this caused me on the way to my car, it reminded me of the importance of thinking of others and their circumstances more often and what factors unknown to me, may have caused them to act or not act in a certain way.

To look beyond what is at face value.

To be able to look past actions and look closely at intentions

To judge others with the same delicate handling and nature of forgiveness upon how we judge ourselves.

I learned a lot from my measly little sore foot today. It's interesting how in life we try so hard to protect our children from any type of pain or "suffering", where  there in lies the truth. As adults I think we all know that it is through these little dramas, and aches and pains and more negative events that we end up learning the most.

Yet we still  somehow try to protect our kids all the time from harms way. Or we feel desperately sorry for them if they are put into difficult situations.

So I will think of my little foot today as I go through life looking through a wider lens. I will  try hard to view bad marks, forgotten lunches, broken hearts, lost friends, and anything else that comes our way as an opportunity and a lesson.

And I will be mindful of all the invisible factorrs that surround me as I experience the journeys of life of others around me. I will take heavily into account my own travels but will also try to include some of the trips and places others go, and where they are, and where they have been.


Into my own repetoire of understanding. In hopes that mine will grow and flourish over time.

My Sign

Softly and gently.
Very intended and somewhat shy.

She reaches over from the backseat to the front seat where I am. She asks for my hand with hers and she holds it the rest of the way home.

It was an awkward position as for me to hold her hand backwards like that from the front, it hurt, but there was no way I was letting go.

She doesn't usually do this type of thing, and man it meant so much to me.

My daughter, although very affectionate and loving in many ways, can also be very guarded too for things that really matter. Always has been. Just like her Mom and even her Grandma in some ways. Must be a genetic thing.

She doesn't reach out to the front seat like that and want to hold hands the entire way. It felt amazing.

It came from a really amazing place too and that was what made it so special. Just a few hours earlier she had made her courageous request to be part of the ski competition team next year and on the way home in the car we all decided yes.

I think she knew how big this was. Is. How much of a commitment it will be on all of our parts. I think she felt very valued, and cherished and acknowledged. Powerful stuff.

So she reached out and let me hold her. She was saying thanks-which made me feel wonderful and sad at the same time.

It was the perfect end to a wonderful week. Also a complex week where I struggled with loving to be with my kids but also finding it hard to be with them in some ways too for 10 days.Wondering what this says about me as a Mother?

Her little tiny hand and then getting home late Sunday night and hearing them fall into their beds exhausted each in their own rooms and then call out to each other one by one "I love you" each to each other. They each took their turn with their brother or sisters name after the I love you.
 

When I heard that it all seemed to be just right.
It all seemed to be perfect.

So I took both of these acts of goodness and kindness and wanting and yearning as the sign I have been waiting for.
The sign I had asked my Dad for on the one year anniversary of his death.

I think he was telling me that it is time for the finale of all the transforming I have been doing. It's time to understand that there are certain aspects of motherhood I have mastered and there are certain aspects that I am just learning and beginning. It's time to step out of my comfort zone into a new place in many ways.

Her little hand was my sign. I will never forget how sweet she was in this gesture.

I want more.
And I am ready to let myself have it now after what seems like a lifetime.
I want a different kind of more for them.

I want it for me.

Thanks for this reminder Dad. There was something about that moment that I just knew. It hit me like a ton of bricks right in the face and reminded me of what I so desperately wanted from you as a kid but could not access and have both ran and hid from the entire rest of my life. It reminded me that just because we did not get something, or something was not taught to us or that something is not easy or natural that we as a parent are still in charge of changing it.

No one ever said parenting was easy. We can't repress what scrares us about ourselves.It's not the right thing to do. It's never too late to change anything about ourselves, relationships or others. We always have the ability to be different than we were yesterday. That is our fundamental right as human beings and our responsibility as parents to be aware of that.

Thanks for this wonderful reminder.

The Perfect Vacation Diet

If any of you out there are like me, although you love having a week off to be with your kids and hang out-you also know that the week will involve a whole lot of yummy food that you would not normally eat in a work week or a week at home.

And that can be a bit scary as who wants to gain weight because of a vacation? But it happens, it seems, to the best of us unfortunately.

Well have I got the solution for you!!

The day before you go on vacation have your daughter ask you if she can borrow one of your bikinis to wear over her snowsuit for her last ski lesson since it is Beach Day at the ski hill.

Of course you think to yourself and even say aloud:

“Silly little girl of course my teensy weesy bikini will not fit over your snowsuit……it will be way too small. We better go find a fat neighbor or something to ask if you can borrow one of their huge bathing suits. I am sorry mine won’t fit.”

Well the day comes, and out of your daughter’s need to take part in this event, you go to your drawer and pull out one of your favorite bikinis and tell your daughter that you will try hard to make it fit over but that it will likely be so tight that she will be uncomfortable all afternoon and it will feel all squishy and she won’t be able to ski properly.

So she puts the snowsuit on, and you give her the bikini. She puts it over the snowsuit.

And then she says:

“Mommy it is way too big!! It is falling off of me and my snowsuit-do we have pins to fix it and make it smaller?”

And you look at her in amazement and it is a bit baggy on her.And so you stand there and shed a few tears.

Yes..yes..of course she is teeny weeny and weighs about as much as a weed and yes..yes of course your chest is  perky and nice and full and requires a larger cupsize  to support it properly …but still. Baggy???? A pin????

Crap!

Is there such a thing as reverse anorexia? Where you think you are thinner than you really are? Maybe I have this disease?

So you let her wear your pinned bikini to the hill and try to hold your head high. I mean after all thank god you have good teeth and often a good tan too to set off that bikini. And thank doubly god that super young gorgeous guy at work flirts with you all year and boosts your self esteem on a regular basis.

You get there and remark on the other little girl your daughter hangs around with and her bikini over her swimsuit and you with relief look at your daughter and say:

”OMG Sweetie they are all wearing their own little bikinis! Not their Mom’s-we did this wrong! No wonder I feel like crap!!!”

This all makes perfect sense now.

And that stupid little girl (who is supposed to be a nice little girl according to your daughter ) turns to you and says:

“This is my Mommy’s bikini”

You want to strangle her. You want to run away. You want to ask her if her Mom lost her ass in a tragic accident. And where did her breasts go anyways?

But instead of course you just smile, nod, walk away and pay close attention to what you eat on your vacation.

And ironically end up losing three pounds that week. Thank you Beach Day at Ski Mountain!

Did I mention how amazing 40 yrs old is? Wow. Truly amazing to be middle aged. Seems to be so many benefits in the beauty and confidence areas. Not!

Peace? Whatever.

I have been thinking a lot about peace lately. Who has it? Who wants it? How

much of it is needed? How to get it?

How valuable is feeling peaceful in life?

I have come to the conclusion that basically if you feel peace everything else

just falls into place. The rest- it's all peanuts. Right?

So what is peace? What is it exactly? And if it is so valuable than how do you

manage to make it part of your life-and quickly?

If you have never had much-can your order it by mail in retrospect and get even

more for all the years you were ripped off from this exceptional feeling?

And the people who have it and feel it everyday are they missing out on "bigger

and better" things and one day their peaceful states will end and the world will

come crashing down on them and say:

" You know you were too peaceful and happy and content all those years so NOW it

is payback time!!!"

Or is peace, and joy and acceptance a state in itself that has no real beginning

or end?

Is peace something you need to practice or is it learned? Is it like red hair

that is handed out to some and not to others? A chosen special few?

Where does it come from exactly and how do you get it? I look at the people

around me and most don't have it either.  But I also seem to attract a few

really close people around me who do have this golden, coveted, illuminated

state around them and be able to live in it in what seems like an endless

perpetual state. No matter what else is going on in their lives. 

I have decided to find out and get some for myself. I want to order whatever she

is having-it looks good.

So why is it some of our hearts get to be peaceful and some of our hearts don't

seem to possess  that natural rhythm?

How is someone with both good and bad parts of life get to think peaceful and

serene thoughts  and smile and feel joy... while others who appear to have it

all run, around in circles trying to make their brain stop thinking, and

critiquing and searching 24 hrs per day?  Get to have brains in a constant

unpeaceful -somewhat neurotic states? That does not seem to be fair now does it?

Anxiety meds? A good yoga class? Happiness? Better sex? A good massage?

And how can you not have Peace when life is Perfect? How can that possibly be?

Is it something that happens to you as a kid that does not give you the right to

this feeling? Or something that does not happen? If you don't even know what

causes peace what hope in hell do you have of giving it to your own children?

Can peace be shared? If someone has a lot can they give you half? Give you some?

A tiny little piece-even for a day so you know what you may be missing?

Often I associate peace with "Whatever" people. People who go through life

....pretty much not getting stressed about much.....and thinking "whatever will

be will be". To be honest...I used to be more critical of this seemingly

clueless (although blissful) attitude. I used to think these" whatever" people

were seriously missing out on something.

But I am now starting to ponder if "whatever" is the actual state that one must

be in to invite peace into their lives permanentely. Is whatever less of what I

assume to be repression  and more a state of acceptance?

Is possible to be whatever and also to be deliberate, minty and influential too?

I think it is. Actually I am now convinced it is. I have let enough whatever

people deep into my heart and soul lately to know that these people are pure and

utterly powerful, wonderful, beautiful, remarkable gems. These people have silent power. They will let you shine-but they are the light.

So just like happiness can be learned in some ways..I feel peace can be taught.

I think unlike happiness which many of us through a lifetime have some

experience with-peace may need to be approached quite differently.

You may have to ask for peace in your life. You may have to get down on your

knees and outright beg for it.

Peaceful people unfortunately don't necessarily realize that they might need to

share and teach and give you some of these important lessons. They might very

peacefully and happily sit back and let you come to them and ask.

When you are good and ready. If you ever get there that is. And if you don't, that surely won't fluster them either.

So yes I think peace is a very big part of happiness in life. To accept. To

Trust. To Feel. To Be. To Smile. To feel good. To repress. To forgive. To

forget. To linger a little longer. To love a little more. To accept those around

you for who they are.

To accept yourself for who you are and who you will never be.

To be ok with that.

It sounds like a wonderful thing to aspire to. However  if I am really being

honest with myself as much as I want peace to be part of my life and know it

would be good for me....it just sounds a bit dull too. Maybe peace isn't for

everybody?

But, it would certainly be nice to try it-to then know for sure. I would like very much to experience what peace feels like.

 I am quite sure I will never be a Whatever Girl, however I would certainly like to care less a whole lot more often.

I would like to trade half of my saavy and strategic nature for plain old peace. Is that too much to ask?

Whatever. It's all good. 

TopNotch

 
Now that is what I call skiing!!!! 
I understand now why my Swiss buddies think our Laurentian skiing is second class. After skiing Stowe I realized..we have been skiing on hills not 
mountains.

I can't wait to take our family to the Swiss Alps one day. Stowe was breathtakingly beautiful. Perfect powder. Sunshine. Loved every 
minute (thank goodness since at the price we paid for 5 of us each minute 
counted!) 


Topnotch Resort, Stowe Vermont is our place. Love the outdoor pools and Jacuzzis overlooking the picturesque mountains, the big fuzzy white robes and the free homemade hot cocoa and cookies at 4pm.
We took our kids this time, where usually has been "our" spot. They loved it too- especially the skiing. Don't think we will go back to Stowe ever again without hitting the slopes with our kids. The skiing was incredible and so was the après ski in the pool....  

A wonderful Mexican meal out, sleeping in each other’s beds at night, tons of tickling and laughing and hanging out. Watching Birth Stories in the mornings and weird shows late into the night (god boys have weird humor). 
Eating eggs and smoothies and yummy jam in our robes in the fancy restaurant in the morning. Enjoying all our crazy conversations. Laughing and loving each other. 
Blackberries and cells away. Facebook and computers gone. Our family of Five. 

The 80-20 thing as usual. 80 I loved-20 percent frustrated us. They frustrated us. With all the good times came fights, and disagreements and squabbles and hyperness. Rudeness and bad table manners. Disobedience and not listening. 
That bothered both of us. A lot. It always does. Is it that our expectations are too high? Our kid’s behavior too bad?  I will write about it in another post  "Transitions" when I get my head around it a bit more.
Our kids are great at life-bad at transitions. So are we. 

We love sharing a room the 5 of us for all those snuggly cozy moments we get-but by the end of three days of stepping over underwear and hearing them battle it over what show to watch and who sits where-we are ready to flush them down the toilet!!!! 
But. I can complain about those moments (always because I want to keep it real and my accounts of our lives realistic) but I loved this getaway with our kids. 
From Beauty saying "Am I digested enough??" before going into the pool after a meal- to Chase with his gorgeous no gel hair and scruffy looks away from the eyes of his peers and Bear’s little cuddles at night with his sister and his blue eyes turning the loveliest shade of green lately.....in some ways I could not get enough of them. 
Dancing out as a family in a line after Mexican-speaking French so no one 
understands what we are saying and gliding down the mountains of Stowe-as a unit-all together doing what we do best. Skiing, leisure and being together. 
We all love the feel of the mountain, the jumps, the trails, the effortlessness 
of skiing as we master it more and more (well the 4 of their mastery anyways!) 

The way our legs ache from the spring snow and the long trails. 
A sense of pride and accomplishment from Hubby and I that although they may be little whiners and annoying at times (often!) they are beautiful and graceful and talented skiers. They are getting to be with snow the way they have always been with water. It is who they are-it is in their bones. 

And we did that. Those hundreds of hours of dedicated lessons and times and badges and weekends. It has all paid off- we committed to a family sport and they all LOVE it. Hallelujah! We did something right! We can't wait to teach our kid’s own kids one day water and snow. 
So Stowe was 80 percent amazing. I come back to Trent tonight mostly content, happy and spent with my little munchkins safely tucked into bed. They are so sweet when they are silent. 
As for the other 20 percent? I really don't know to be honest. I am trying to 
figure out why so often our kids get on our nerves on our vacations and that we come back feeling mostly good but vaguely unsettled too. I am trying to figure out if it is us..or is it them? Is it something we can fix through changing? Certain habits? Lessening expectations? Becoming stricter on some things or more lenient on others? 

If we lived in France would life be easier with kids if we did it the French way? 

"Onst your energy be attracted to a train wreckage than to a smoothly running system?" 

I will keep you posted-so stay tuned! 

All I know is that I love this family. Fiercely and that all the moments we have together are memorable. Like me...my kids are complex and intracte-fiesty and full of energy. So as a unit.....we are something else:) 
So I loved our getaway all in all. I would do it again..and again. Lucky for me I also love "my other life". I love my work-and my "other crazy gang" I love the break and being disconnected-but I love my crazy days there too and a part of me can't wait to get back. Thank goodness this is a vacation and not my life…I love being with my kids but could never, ever do this all the time. I need my work in the way others need oxygen and sleep.
The other part of me will very happily park my butt on my cottage couch for the remaining 4 days and read "Bringing up Bebe" and a whole pile of glamour magazines. And I will ski a whole bunch more hills.
I am glad I love both my lives and that each has the ability to make me a little flustered and hot and bothered at times. I guess in the end-I bring that out in people and the places I am….and they bring it out in me. 
I guess when it comes down to it I would not like it any other way than a bit 
wild, unpredictable and chaotic. It is what I love...and what I attract..and how it is. 
I will take it. I want it. I covet it and adore it. 

So although I might aim for 90-10 on our next family getaway-inside I am secretly thrilled that my three kids have personality. Each unique but each a load of charm and charisma-so much so that it gets the best of us sometimes and exhausts us often. 
I like that they have it in them......to not be perfect and far from it-but still to sparkle in their own way all the time sparkling little blasts of 
energy. It's these imperfections that keep me wanting more and loving every single ounce of them every single day. 

Stowe-you Rock. Hubby..you rock too. Will be glad to steal a few moments alone with you in the next few days. Love sleeping with our babies-but miss our pillow talk. I miss you
I love winter now every bit as much as summer. 

I can honestly say that weather is truly not mattering much anymore.