My Sign

Softly and gently.
Very intended and somewhat shy.

She reaches over from the backseat to the front seat where I am. She asks for my hand with hers and she holds it the rest of the way home.

It was an awkward position as for me to hold her hand backwards like that from the front, it hurt, but there was no way I was letting go.

She doesn't usually do this type of thing, and man it meant so much to me.

My daughter, although very affectionate and loving in many ways, can also be very guarded too for things that really matter. Always has been. Just like her Mom and even her Grandma in some ways. Must be a genetic thing.

She doesn't reach out to the front seat like that and want to hold hands the entire way. It felt amazing.

It came from a really amazing place too and that was what made it so special. Just a few hours earlier she had made her courageous request to be part of the ski competition team next year and on the way home in the car we all decided yes.

I think she knew how big this was. Is. How much of a commitment it will be on all of our parts. I think she felt very valued, and cherished and acknowledged. Powerful stuff.

So she reached out and let me hold her. She was saying thanks-which made me feel wonderful and sad at the same time.

It was the perfect end to a wonderful week. Also a complex week where I struggled with loving to be with my kids but also finding it hard to be with them in some ways too for 10 days.Wondering what this says about me as a Mother?

Her little tiny hand and then getting home late Sunday night and hearing them fall into their beds exhausted each in their own rooms and then call out to each other one by one "I love you" each to each other. They each took their turn with their brother or sisters name after the I love you.
 

When I heard that it all seemed to be just right.
It all seemed to be perfect.

So I took both of these acts of goodness and kindness and wanting and yearning as the sign I have been waiting for.
The sign I had asked my Dad for on the one year anniversary of his death.

I think he was telling me that it is time for the finale of all the transforming I have been doing. It's time to understand that there are certain aspects of motherhood I have mastered and there are certain aspects that I am just learning and beginning. It's time to step out of my comfort zone into a new place in many ways.

Her little hand was my sign. I will never forget how sweet she was in this gesture.

I want more.
And I am ready to let myself have it now after what seems like a lifetime.
I want a different kind of more for them.

I want it for me.

Thanks for this reminder Dad. There was something about that moment that I just knew. It hit me like a ton of bricks right in the face and reminded me of what I so desperately wanted from you as a kid but could not access and have both ran and hid from the entire rest of my life. It reminded me that just because we did not get something, or something was not taught to us or that something is not easy or natural that we as a parent are still in charge of changing it.

No one ever said parenting was easy. We can't repress what scrares us about ourselves.It's not the right thing to do. It's never too late to change anything about ourselves, relationships or others. We always have the ability to be different than we were yesterday. That is our fundamental right as human beings and our responsibility as parents to be aware of that.

Thanks for this wonderful reminder.