Meh-Meh is a Teen!

(posting this 1 day late-bday was Dec 6)

Pancake O this year:)))

Vanilla Bean, Beachy girl, Girly Girl. Beauty, Meh Meh, Sweets- 13th bday is officially over –it has been spread out over the last week though celebrating!

All the wild dancing girls. Found a guy who worked there to harass and love and invited him inot the pic!

Celebrations started more than a week ago on a Friday night and had 10 girls for her party at I-saute Trampoline center. They all left dance after school and went to Dagwood’s on their own for dinner (all are dancers minus one girl) After I-saute back to our place for cupcakes and another 7 boys here of my son's friends who were happy to throw Beauty up in the air for the bumps. A sleepover for 4 of them and Nutella bagel breakfast the next morning.

Thursday night we did our family celebration with her BFF at a Thai resto and with my Mom too. And the electricity went out as she opened her gifts and as the appetizers were being served! Two hours in the cold and dark but food was cooked by gas and hot and delicious!

Didi was feeling well enough to make it to our Thai in the dark dinner. 

Her real bday on Saturday we were at our traditional PG 2014with Sister Savvy and Lexie (more on that later in a different post) We took train home and at 8pm Daddy picked us up and out to Harvey’s for a burger and Menchies

This morning Sunday a day late-woke her up at 10:30am for all her gifts and a treasure hunt for candy and of course her bay tradition of letter pancakes(now we are onto her middle name) spelling out her name yearly in a pancake. Then eating crepes with Nutella and whipping cream and squirting a bunch of whipped cream in her mouth.

She liked her gifts a lot and spent the day with her friend figuring out and enjoying her new cotton candy maker (still a bebe at heart and always ask for one "toy")

Hubby and I spent the afternoon downtown roaming around and then went out for a little Indian sandwich at a nearby fancy food court. It was fun to stay in the city and have a short little day together. Tonight decorating the tree and making our normal Sunday night meal. Tonight on menu is cream cheese chicken, yellow, beans, rice and brownies.

It was a great bay for Beauty and a great and busy day for us.

5 things I can say about Beauty this year:

1-Damn straight up resilient!!! The kid is fearless in most way (except for spiders). She has been through A LOT this year and makes it all look like a piece of cake. She is a fighter and fearless in almost every area of her life.

2-Popular. She has soooo many different and diverse friends and they all love being around her. We went around the table at the party and her friends chose one word to describe her" Cool" and "Fun" were pretty much where is was at.

3-She is a very talented dancer and the fit with her new school is perfect

4-She is much more reserved than most of her family. (Mostly with adults-with kids and teens another part of her is accessed) Sometimes shy, sometimes doesn’t know what to answer, sometimes doesn’t like to be hugged, can switch her emotions on and off like a light switch in general but also a huge party animal at times. My paradox girl

5-Has a HUGE heart for anyone who she perceives as struggling in any way. Those she sees equal or higher to her. Well that’s another storyJ)

Happy 13^th Bday my darling!!!!!

Distance and Proximity

I have always been one in life that has a strategy and sticks with it . Accesses in myself what is needed to achieve those particular goals. There are many parts of me that are there but not fully accessed unless I make the decision that they are important. And be willing to shift gears.

Having a career and balancing my family are two very important aspects of my life and have been for a very long time. Part of me has often wanted an even bigger career but I consciously stop myself from taking on as much as my heart and head may want.. As I know it can be detrimental my other goal of being the mom I want to be while my family are still at home and need me

I am surrounded by very very high performing, climbing the career ladder type of ladies who always make me question my decisions. Many of them have nannies at home and would give up a planned family vacation or family planned dinners etc.. any point or time when the business calls (which is a lot and very often)

I have consciously tried to stay at one level below this in my career in order to not have to be forced to make these choices (in the way I perceive this) In my new role in the last year these lines  have become gradually less clear and it is interesting to look at the impact it has has on my life and my work.

I have never been happier career wise  in pharma heading a Centre of Excellence at my work or at Lifeworks which has taken on a completely different spin this year than in the past. I feel busy energized full of adrenaline and very capable. I am in a good place and for the first time in a while I feel the career fire in my belly

But there is a cost to this. There certainly is. I am much more distant as a wife and a mother. And my distant is probably considered very close for most!

But I see the difference for Sure. Because of my much larger focus on work I have less brain space for all is them. I am much more out of tune with them as my family and even them with me. We are still very close of course but it is not at the same level it always was.

I can go full 16 hrs without really even thinking about my family as I am in meetings with the senior executive team which needs all my focus and attentions. Yesterday my daughter when to a scoliosis apt with her Dad vs with both of us. I hid the elf once in the last 6 days (and frankly don't give a shit)

 I am less successful as a mother and more successful in my career. That is a fact. For my high standards anyways this is how it occurs to me.

Is this good Or bad? Neither. Different season of

Life it is. My kids are now 13-15-17yrs and  times are changing. ! And for me it is at this stage where for me personally I can be even Close to accepting that I can be  even a bit more emotionally distanced than I was all the other years and focus a bit more on work.

But if makes me so so thankful that I made the choices I did all of these yrs. as if I had this kind of career back them ... Never would I have the marriage and relationships I do with my family. I would Not have been able to build the foundations we have at the same level

(And trust me I still had a great and fulfilling career. Have been at a front line management level or above since very young and graduating from university overall. But this new role ( well a year now ) is a notch up from anything I have experienced so far in my career)

Today I realized as I sit beside my daughter on the train and have no energy  left to speak to her bc of my  day that began at 6am and on my feet and presenting all day ... That nobody is a bottomless pit of energy and we all make choices and prioritize daily.

I look back on my choices and happy that they were made for a reason. And the future is friendly too. There is a lot of mothering left to be done and a lot of career to grow and to be had. I have two fires in my belly right now and career is taking a much more center stage than ever before. I am meshing it with home and open to the possibility of taking on a whole lot more intellectually.

An to constantly be reminding myself:   That life ... Is long

Back in the Groove

This week I got my groove back. In so many different ways. I was happy to find it again because I feel I lost it for a while-and I missed it.

We all have seasons in our life don’t we?

This week everything kind of came back together for me. To the secure and good place it was before and maybe even to a new place unexplored-to be determined.

So what am I talking about actually? I am not even really sure myself. Everything just sort of pieced itself back together this week in my life. 2014 has thrown me and my family in such a loop it is very hard to articulate to others. So many balls in the air at once on major areas besides of course all the other things everyone has in life like colds, and failed exams and renovations and new jobs and finances to deal with. Life goes on but those three major things being juggled in between in the air has been a real challenge for me and my family. And it is very very hard to understand unless you have been through stuff like this before, and have major things going on at the same time. The health of your child especially I cannot even begin to tell you what it does to parents lives when it is threatened. Nothing else has compared to this experience than anything I have lived before.

So this week I came back into myself. Found a way to deal with all the anxiety. Started super performing at work again, took on new and exciting contracts for Lifeworks went to a Christmas party at work alone and danced my head off.

We had 19 teens over for Friday night for Beauty Bday between her friends (and Chase coincidentally also had 6 friends over). We all had a blast-and I realized then and there that I am the mother I have always wanted to be. I get to have the relationships I have with these 19 teems because of all the steps prior that I so diligently committed to. Our house was a mess-it was a big party….three of the boys told me that they loved how Hubby and I were so free about our house and all do a big clean up later with all the kids instead of sweating out the small stuff and missing all the fun and focusing on the tidiness of the house vs the relationships right in front of us. Made us feel really good that they noticed and articulated that this was a conscious decision we make. We have great relationships with our kids friends and these so far have been some of the best years of your lives with our kids (in general)

I got back to my fashion self. The few lbs I lost is helping and I felt good Saturday night. Sparkly and felt that feminine side coming back. I began to care again. My dreams sat night were different and I both cared less and cared more. I felt like I was back. Like a part of me that has been gone came back to me. I even wore a wig on Saturday night and had a vodka cranberry and danced a ton!!!

And my work. This week was a mental puzzle for me. And I solved the puzzles and mastered them. I was exhausted but proud. Something big is shifting. And I was headhunted this week too for a VP role for a start-up (not going anywhere but felt good to be considered and in the game).

Most importantly I learned how to claim myself back this week. I am a person who cares A LOT. A LOT ALOT ALOT about those whom I love. And I very easily get into the role of taking on more  myself than even the people I love take on for themselves (hence why I have been in intensive therapy for over a year now trying to reverse this)This week I started standing up for myself again. Saying no. Being a bit selfish. Setting my own limits for my own mental protection. Putting myself first here and there.

This was a good week. And I expect a little bit of what is in store for me for 2015. Back into the groove. Back to Me.

I

Little Grateful things

The USA thanksgiving has inspired me to write a short list of a few of the things I am grateful for. My brother in the US and I were joking about this “grateful list” that I mentioned and so I decided to actually do a little one today.

It feels good to do this as been a very hard week with my mom at a record bottom low of her concussion and my eldest son at a record breaking high of teenage crap

There are so many BIG things I am grateful for (trust me any day of health that comes along in our family lately I am grateful; for) but this is a list of the smaller delights. Not about big loves-or big things –just the small little things that come to mind in this moment

I will choose and narrow it to 20 things

1-when all the work and errands have been completed and I sit down to read or watch TV (usually around 11:20pm). That moment I always call “twilight”. So precious

2-losing about .5 lbs. to 1 pound every week. Up to 9 lbs. and love the way my clothes are fitting on my hips a bit better each week

3-Hot Tomato cream basil soup

4-The way it feels sooo nice when all 5 of us laugh at the table and have time to be together at the cottage (has been a while!!)

5-ponytails

6-A great book

7-looking forward to vacations

8-strawberry cupcakes with infused vanilla frosting

9-finding things we lose

10-Being given a really nice compliment unexpectedly by someone unexpected

11-My mom’s fleece sheets

12-when a cute guy innocently flirts with me. Makes me feel good.

13-Appreciating the fact that I am super organized despite major obstacles and 95 percent finished my Xmas shopping

14- Working where I do with the people I do

15-Protein smoothies

16-Unconditional love from friends

17-sleep

18-The strong and solid foundation of a solid and secure family

19-my kids and that they have grown taller and wont be midgets afterall

20-Finding time for important things. Despite chaos and crisis always ongoing -always putting relationships first.

Here’s my blog of the the last few days

I am too busy to blog!

Not even a spare minute.

It’s been a big big week. Good things-bad things-neutral things-boring things.

Thing are pretty spicy around here!

And work is so crazy busy.

My Mom has been really bad with her concussion and her and I are so close and connected I would say a thousand times worse for me than if it was happening to me. I am trying to find effective ways to cope with my anxiety over this.

Two new big contracts for my company Lifeworks-so unexpected and both super exciting

And tonight I am hosting my  yearly traditional “little girl’s night” where my some of my BFF’s little girls 3-6 yrs. old all come to eat and do a craft and a family night (without the moms!!)

Got to go!

PS-and today I did a huge grocery order at 7am!!!! Craziness

One of my Bffs from work and I dumped our husbands for Saturday's upcoming Christmas party and are going as each other’s dates. I haven’t had a wild and crazy girls night for a loooong time ( like since I was 23) I might even drink!!! (ssshhhh)

Should be interesting!

Can We Plan?

This week we met our financial planners. This is done twice a year and this year more often as we are really taking control of our finances and so even more meetings. In these meetings we discuss with our two amazing financial planners our future. Our plans? Our wants? Our needs? Our predications of how things will be? The unexpected? Hard questions like what if one of us dies? Or was disabled? Fun questions like will we travel more? Want to buy a big boat one day? Will we have enough money? Will we be scrambling by? Will we sell our home and move into an apartment?  Keep the cottage? Retire or work part time?

To plan..to dream..to hope..to want. To be realistic too.(sometimes too realistic for my liking which is why I have (stupidly) avoided calculating every penny for years now!)

What came to mind all week during our meetings with them was a list of a few things in 2014 that I could never have planned for or have expected. Not a complete list just a short list while on my mind right now:

1-that our daughter would be in  two body braces for 2.5- 3 years 20 hrs a day

2-that my Mom would have a mild brain injury (concussion, post concussion syndrome, now second more sever concussion all of this lasting over a year now) that prevents her from most of life’s normal functioning one year after hitting her head and that this would define all our lives in so many ways

3-That I would succeed at the level I am in the role I took on at work a year ago

4-That I wold have a coauthored book being published  and on Amazon in March 2105

5-That I would be so proud of my husband in the way I am. He is such  role model of strength to so many people we know and our children especially in his journey of 2014

6-That a very close friend of ours ( husband of a Bff) would have had a major heart attack at the age of 42

7-That our life would be lived in 6 months increments fending off the dire possibility of major spinal surgery that would change Beauty’ all our lives forever and live x-ray to x-ray.

8-That Chase would be in advanced math, and science physics chemistry stream and have a higher grade point average even than most of his friends and many people in the school this semester!!! (and not on a stimulant drug for ADD that would help his marks in the least)

9-That so many of our lasting traditions that we have had for more than a decade would change with close  friends and we would see  our various groups of  friends so much less that we always have in general (due to so so many different reasons ( depending on which group of friends) That so much of this year has been spent alone in so many ways-the five of us –and more often even just the two of us. That we would be a solo as we are right now.

10-That Bear would want and be willing and  want to get up at 5am and go to kayak practice and swim laps and lift weights and go directly to school which starts at 7:50am. I never dreamed I would be bringing up the true Athlete of the Year!

11-That my company Lifeworks (only 1 day a week) would be taking the direction it is so different that my specialties and expertise in the past.

12-That both boys would have steady girlfriends!!!!

13- That with all of the above (both the good and the bad)……that I could still be ok and handle all these levels of change that so suddenly have slipped into our loves.. And that  my family too is ok. That we could still thrive.

Comments on Blog are Back! (I hope it is working now???)

It came to my attention in the summer than no one could write comments on my blog anymore for some reason-I tried to fix it and couldn’t figure out how to get that feature back. And then I just kinds forgot about it and did nothing about it. A month ago Sister Savvy reminded me also that comments can’t be received on blog.

So I fixed it now!

It fell to the bottom of my two do list for a few reasons. Mainly because I receive only a few comments on blog. My audience is wide and growing –but the people who comment know me either personally or professionally and send me usually a text or email with comments and has been that way from the beginning. But comments are welcome and I like them so fire away if you wish! I seem to have many strangers following across the world. This is great too!

And PS I am totally cool and open to if you agree or disagree or even judge what I write-for me that is what it is all about and totally fine. Nothing like a good old conflict or disagreement to get the adrenaline up! It's part of life afterall and certainly to be expected when we choose to make our loves public.

What I realized too about comments in the last few months on blogs is that you have to be in a space for the comments. It has to be that season of your life where you are a commenter and both comment on other’s blogs and respond to comments on your own blog. To me this is real etiquette and I see so many people do this. But it is not for me in this season in my life (besides commenting or responding to my friends blogs as a way to keep in touch)

I am a blog reader of maybe 7-10 blogs and that is it.

And a writer of my own blog 2-5 times a week

I am not a commenter.

But maybe one day I will be in a different season and would be fun to comment a lot and have comments. But for now I am not in that season and likely won’t be until a time when I use my blog for something other than it is being used for now

I don’t believe there is such a thing as internet trolls-only people who have opinions (just like the blog poster) and who are expressing them in the way they see fit or are experiencing the blog. If it offends me I just won’t respond if I am so angry, if it delights me-I will. If it is neutral I probably would too.

I think reading comments to blogs that are always positive and rose colored and yay yay yay a thousand times is just not real life. 120 comments of people telling you how wonderful you are and how much they agree. Nope. Not at all what I am used to in the corporate environment that is certain anyways!!!. There is one woman I see comment on any/every blog I read who is so rose colored and positive I honestly can’t believe it-she never seems to have a question or a comment or a different point of view on anyone’s blog!

All that to say my comments section is back and my email is always open to those of you who continue to send me your thoughts.

And all my views on comments may change one day as I evolve too. Maybe one day I will be in a place to want to comment a lot and receive lots of comments. Maybe I will be in a place to need lots of supportive comments and be offended by disagreement?. We juts never know what we will need and what we will want dependant on the season of our lives will we?

For now I want you to show up as who and what you are with whats on your mind (if you want to at all!). and for me to have the honour of sharing in that .