I will always remember the conversations that Sister Savvy
and I used to have about getting a hobby. And also about all the girl babies we
were going to haveJ
With 6 boys between us (and only two girls) somehow our conversations about
hobbies came to an abrupt halt. Neither of us seems to have the need as much
given that we have no time at all as career moms with busy and active family
lives too. I am certain that when we are
empty nesters we will be speaking about finding hobbies at that stage of our
lives-it will become important to us again.
I think back to these conversations and where my thinking
was at during those times. My need for hobbies came from likely a need to fill
my time with something more interesting than what I was currently experiencing
at that time. I don’t have that issue anymore it seems. The moment I have a
break I don’t feel like filling it with photography or scrapbooking or baking
pretty cupcakes….I pretty much lie down on a coach and half sleep or read if I can.
I am thinking about my life and career now in retrospect and
looking back on it. It’s interesting how in retrospect we see so much more than
we can see while we were in the actual situation itself. Our lens seem to
become so much clearer. A few important things I have realized about my past
career at the same pharma company over 11 yrs:
It was so cozy I am not sure I ever would of left it. Good
pay, great benefits, cupcakes all over the building at every corner, amazing
people, amazing industry, surrounded by genius minds everywhere, ;like a family
to me, 6 mins from home, flexibility in schedule, very interesting work I was
doing, being promoted few years to shake up what I was doing and taking on new challenges,
worked 3-4 days a week and was able to keep my company Lifeworks, travelled to
beautiful places for business, learning and development opportunities
everywhere . Never ever had a boring day, Pharma you have the most amazing environment
and everything is available to you.
As I write this it sounds almost like a
dream that I spend to many years of my life in this wonderful place. I was blessed. I worked for the cream of
the crop in amazing roles.
With every story though something is always missing. And I
never ever considered that there could be something else above and beyond what
I describe above. I adored this place with my heart and soul. My heart was
honestly broken when my role was touched by the reorganization that affected so
many employees.
What I realize now? Is that I did not find there the level
of meaning that I now find in my work as
an entrepreneur.
Everything I did was for the benefit of my team but mostly for
the company I worked for. I was ultimately at the mercy of the company in so
many ways and my rent to pay- was that mercy for the beautiful things and experiences
I got in return. Nothing I did was given back to me-but was for the benefit of
the company. The decisions I made were ultimately not only my own but belonged to
a much bigger picture. I was autonomous in so many ways in a leadership
role…but my life belonged to them in many ways as it always does when you work
for a big company.
And I managed this very well over 11 yrs. almost expertly I
would say. It is no coincidence that I became a life work integration specialist-I
lived and breathed it every day of my career. I protected my home from my
career and my career from my home. Tried as little as possible for one to be at
the expense of the other. Usually succeede. Had to fight for it a lot.
There is always a tipping point in any perfect picture and
mine I remember very cleary of when I became less satisfied with my beautiful
career of 11 yrs. It was in 2014 and in a period of 3 months my family life
crumpled. Almost all of it in what seems like was overnight. In a period of 12
weeks I seemed to have lost the stable health of my daughter, the health of my husband
and the health of my mother. I was also fully on my own during those 12 weeks
and had no help from my mother, my husband, or any outside help. Nothing. I was truly in
crisis and in survival mode. And oh ya..I had just been promoted too at work
into a new role that I had not yet mastered.
And you know what? I did amazing well. Really impressive. I held
it all together, I did well with the kids at home, I did well with my new role
and delivered on my mandates, remained a great boss and team player. I held it
together as much as I could. I have probably never been so proud as how I handled that period of my life (and all of 2014) Two doctors who were aware of what was happening
at home (all at the same time) suggested I go on disability for a period of
three months. I declined. I was loyal to my team and organization. They needed
me too.
That being said, during this time I broke my own golden rule
of not mixing home and work. It would have been impossible. At lunch time I
would stay in my office and make private calls or cry. I would text a total of
approx an hour a day for personal reasons. I would answer calls from doctors
and update my family members on what was happening. I went from being 150%
devoted the rest of my career of ten yrs. to a probable 90% devoted during a
short twelve week period.
And I heard about it later. The first “mistake” I had
probably ever really made and I paid my price. Suddenly I had to start watching
how much I texted, getting myself a private phone besides my company phone etc.
I did not feel I had let me team down in the least. I felt like they had let me
down. They did not catch me when I was falling where I had always caught them.
A series of beautiful events happened following this and I felt very supported
by my team and company especially where my daughter’s health was concerned-but
I never did forget the talk I was given by taking those 12 weeks of my life and
being (slightly) human for the first time in my career . It affected me deep
inside. It was my tipping point.
And I got through-for another year I delivered and was back
to my 150%. I was recognized, won a big award, but I never forgot the message
that was delivered: Here-we control your
life even under the most difficult of circumstances.
As I sit here today with the benefit of retrospect behind me...I
realize I love my professional life right now as an entrepreneur with my own
business. It may not always look this way as there are many parts of corporate
life that I miss and adore. Also right now my business is doing very well and I
am succeeding but as we all know there will be fluctuations and this may not
always be the case to be so in demand. I am giving myself until the end of 2016
to fully feel this and discover it.
But so far? After those first initial months of grief and
adjustment and new mastery? This career is amazing!!!!! Nobody tells me what to
do (even if they still try! LOL) , I make my decisions, I take the wok on that
is interesting to me and don’t bother with what is not, I delegate to the right
level and focus on the important stuff, I call the shots, . I feel passionate,
committed and devoted. I am doing what I love and what I am good at daily. And
I am working my ass off but loving it so far.
Most important to me at this stage of my life is that I decide
who I text and when, and I decide when I will be in the office and out of it. I
put 200% when I wish and 15% when I need to. And you know what? I don’t feel
bad at all about it. I am pouring myself into work I love and pouring myself
into my family. I am in the boardroom many days and also home to take my kids
to the doctor and rub voltarin on their back when it hurts. Sometimes I sit down
to a bowl of soup with my Mom, and once in a while will grab a kid and take
them out for lunch. Other times I travel for business for days at a time and
the family works it out themselves. Most days I start off my day with a workout
or walk outside with my Hubby.
I am for the first time in my life getting
what I need from inside of myself. I feel peace and passion from within. It
belongs to me. It is my own. The final two P’s are mine: Peace and PassionJ
I am now painting another picture of ease and fulfillment
but it has its cons and its many moments
too just like anything in life. But I am growing into it and watching it bloom.
It is where I need to be right now and I am happy for the opportunity. Like
anything in life I may change my mind. Part of me thinks I am a corporate woman
at heart and question how I could possibly be building my own successful
company. How did I get here? Is this actually my life? Will this success and fulfillment last? Can it
last? Will I always be in demand? (I doubt
it and I will probably have to try a whole lot harder right!!!!)But it is the
life that is good for me right now.
I will keep you posted. A work and life in progress. And a
whole lot of question marks. A future not yet decided.
But I can tell you I don’t need a hobby-as this feels like it is a hobby in many ways. I feel
less dependent on my friends, and my husband and my kids and my Mom for my
happiness and more centered inside of me. I worry less, I stress less and I
obesses less. And I definitely don’t have a need to line dance, or scrapbook or
take pictures or garden (have I ever?).
I will one day. In that season of my life.
For now I am focused on exactly what my book prescribes. On
More Life. And day by day I feel that that life I always wanted (that I thought
I always had) is right here and now. I am embracing it with every bone in my
body and every muscle of my heart.
