Lately our family has not being getting along so well.
Mostly the kids. And mainly in the last three weeks specifically. I have
nightmares at night trying to figure out why this is. This is new for us. We
used to call them the three little cubs not so long ago. They used to be inseparable.
The last 3-4 weeks the climate has shifted in our home
and I am not sure precisely why. There are a few factors that I know are not
helping:
Chase: being older and having much more freedom,
different social schedule and different school schedule
Beauty: Having one ailment after another lately (both
orthopedic and neurological) and having a really really hard time wearing brace
since surgeon told her she has gotten worse despite mostly compliance in her
bracing schedules
Bear: Went from being a fairly easy and peaceful family member (with a ton of hard
headedness) to being passive aggressive and sarcastic much of the time and a
much more a traditional teen at now close to 16 yrs. old than he was last year
at close to 15 yrs. old.
I
don’t like this climate. (I am travelling on business this week and Hubby next
week and we both secretly admitted that we are kind of relieved)
And the only things that solves it? Time together. Which
we have much less of lately. As in most families the eldest child sets a lot of
the rhythms and habits of the home. They go through everything first. He is now
the first to be able to stay home some weekends alone…he is now the first who has
a serious girlfriend whom he spends a lot of time with as has now been over a
year and she is almost part of the daily life here at home in many ways. He is
the first to drive and have the freedom of having the use of a car. He is the
first one that we have had to learn to let go off in a lot of ways at close to
18 yrs. old.
And it is impacting the whole family. Our table is not
the same at the cottage with 4. We have always been 5. Someone is missing. And
when he is there….something has shifted. We have an almost adult in our home.
It’s a whole new world for all of us to assume that after dinner at 11pm on a
Saturday night he would watch a movie with us and eat popcorn when in reality
he announces he is leaving at 11:30 pm to a late party we (or he!) had no clue
was happening. Or that we have a nice cottage weekend planned and he is invited
by his girlfriend’s parents to stay at their home the same weekend. I am so
happy I did not allow this before 17.5-but there is only so far that you can
push your limits as a parent and be taken seriously. I met a woman the other
day in a course I am talking who doesn’t “let” her 18 yr. old “child” be alone
with his friends in their home (and I don’t mean left alone in the house even-I
mean he has to always be in family spaces with the other siblings when with friends and not in his room
or basement). This is way over board for me….and although I would love chase to
be forced to do many things I realize he is old enough now to be leading a lot of
his own choices and that this is healthy.
Tonight I’m commanding the three of them to spend an hour
together without screen time between dinners. I’m giving them the choice pulling
sitting around doing arts and crafts and pulling out the stuff to make a “Sibling
Vison Board” together….or to do something that doesn’t involve Technology to enjoy
together and get re-acquainted.
Guess which one they are choosing. ? PS today is car I
tried to suppress my laughter when one of them made a rude comment that the vision
board sound like something the Duggard family would do (19 kids and counting) I
tried seriously defending this nasty comment but kind of hard when one of their
sons who has been an angel all the years on TV molested the three daughters and
the family was aware of it and still portray themselves as devout and happy Christens
on public TV for the world to see!
Somehow I am not sure the vision board is going to happen
around here-but I still think it was a great ideaJ
So Time Together is the answer. Time is always the answer. Whether that is with a spouse, a friend,
a kid, a mother. We need to communicate and indulge in each other to really
connect. It is so easy sometimes be too
busy or to not find the time or space-but for me nothing in the world replaces
a day spend spent at the cottage with the family or friend, or the impromptu
meeting for lunch and live conversations
.
Time is everything
I need to get creative in creative ways to protect it through
these ever changing stages.
I need to work on re-creating my own vision board and
adapt it to our changing circumstances and the raging hormones in this house.
