I so do not want to
write a blog right now .
The only reason I am
is because it is January 31 and there is a big sale on
blog books and my husband
prints one every year for valentines and reminds me constantly that
my Jan 31 closing
blog better be good and meaningful
So I always listen to
what is asked of me
. As usually I am the asker .
Secondly- there
is a lesson so big
today that I have learnt - that as depressed as I am right now I know I have to
write it down before it disappears
My lesson ? Surrender
. Surrender . Surrender . And accept that you don't have control over SHIT girl
( but ps thanks for 45 years of trying )
The only thing you
have control over is you reaction , your perspective , what you do with its all
and your grace .
No amount of wishing
, praying and negotiating will change an outcome of what is . Your actions are
extremely important and your choices -that is for certain -but in the end all
you have control over is how gracefully you can accept what is or overcome it .
And that choice ? Will never be taken away from you . You are the boss of your
brain
Today Beauty went for
what we were almost positive was her last Shriners hospital appt . Sure she
will have them yearly in her life but not the heart racing , sweat inducing sit
on your chair type anymore . She was supposed to be out of brace 6 months ago
and since grew 1.1mm ( you read right not cm .. mm ) she had
to wear it for 6 more months . After 28, 300 hrs of wearing a brace - 6 months
was an eternity for her
But she did it .
And this was supposed
to be just a routine check up to confirm no more growth - and to confirm brace
off .
I knew the second I
saw the surgeons face that this was not the case . She had stopped growing as
predicated but her curve shot up to 43 degrees from 37 degrees which is
completely unexpected at end of growth placing her in the .00001
percent of
scoliosis curves that continue to progress at a rapid rate beyond end of growth
and a case that will need to be closely monitored yearly for the rest of her
life
And of course - a
possible candidate for spinal fusion surgery . A surgery we have done
everything to avoid for three years and which was 6 months ago declared only a
slight possibility will be back on the table for years to come as a possibility
So there we go .
So no brace ?
Excellent news ? 43 degrees and 5 degree worsening in 6 months end of growth ?
Not so much .
Since Jan 9 2017 -
the day I got back from a wonderful amazing relaxing cottage Xmas vacation my
whole word has turned upside down . Without explaining it all lets just say
that my husband has a critical health issue that we thought he was out of the
woods of and it not . It has been hard ,
dramatic , has taken every ounce of strength and energy out of both of us over
the last three weeks to get through this .
I will write about it
one day . That is for sure as it is a massive part of who I am right now and
what are family is going through .
And my mom found out
2 weeks ago that she is having a very important major surgery next week
completely unrelated to any of her other massive
daily health issues
. She will have a tumour removed from
her neck which will
leave a huge scar and have very important risks which I don't want to write on
this blog as my kids read it . Never mind that this all could increase her
already daily post concussion headaches and pain which she deals with
daily for three plus years .
I will be taking care
of her as her only child
Today when we did not
have the news we expected -I felt myself slither into a dark dark hole with
what felt like no room to come up for air . I felt hopeless and helpless .
Which I am .
I also heard a
whisper far off in my head somewhere that asked
me to live the
lesson vs just hearing it logically . That there is a lesson in life I need to
learn and that today was the day I would fully fully learn it and embrace it's very inconvenient truth
And it wasn't a
whisper about just Beauty's situation .. It was a whisper about my marriage ,
my husband , my mothers bad health and upcoming surgery .It was a whisper about my life and everyone else's life around me.
And it Said :
Surrender to what it
.
Life will be the author of it's own story
Accepting it all is
the only way
Stop trying to fix it
It is not yours to
fix
Faith is a great feeling-but not reality as we all know in our hearts
Bad things happen to good people
Surrender
I have always known
this . I have come so far with this over so many years , one baby step at a
time . Slowly but surely . But today I knew for sure - that life will happen as
it wishes to play out .
For everyone . And
for me .
I lost a lot of faith over the last few weeks . But I gained a lot of perspective and maturity . I grew up more in these three weeks than I have in a lifetime.
Hopefully in
full surrender I
will find full freedom too .
