Striver in the Driver’s Seat Now

It’s a Big Day on Saturday.

Our second son, Bear, is writing his important and very difficult  high school entrance exam for the school of his choice.

It’s a really big day for him and for us.

Made me realize how important schools and academics are in our family-to our children and to us as parents. It really is a core value in our home that we all share. We are all pretty good when it comes to school stuff (much, much better at this than jobs around the house).

When my first son was accepted to this same school two years ago-it was a day I will never forget. We all literally felt like we had won the lottery .With my second son now writing the exam-the same anticipation is still there just as strongly for us all. It’s exciting and full of adrenaline.

What amazes me so much is just how much he wants this. He seems to really feel that this particular school will really change the course of his life in many ways-and open many doors for him. He wants it bad.

So we handle this situation in the best way we know how-like we do with all things that are important to us. We prepare extremely well and cover all the bases. Then we sit back and let the universe decide. We give it our very best shot. We work really hard and then accept the outcome.

We believe strongly that it is always best in life to not have regrets-to be able to look back and say “I did everything I could to have the outcome I desire. I did what  was within my power to achieve my ultimate goal”.

So as of last night there is no more studying or preparing. A free for all technology evening planned for him. the night before was blaring his motivational song he chose for this experience (full of swear rap words nonetheless-you should have seen his Grandma’s face!!!). We encircled  him as a family and gave him the bumps-spelling out the letters of the school name. Tonight it is dinner at a fancy restaurant (very rare for our kids!) and a 1 hr massage for him at a spa (even more rare even for the adults in the family!)

Most importantly ,Bear will be given a special card with a special gift in it (ssshhh..) This is really important for us to give him the night before the exam and not the night after. It’s a card of celebration-regardless of any type of mark or outcome. It celebrates the amazing strength of this child to persist, to pursue and to want in life. It closes a chapter and makes room for the exciting new things to come his way.

It celebrates our boy for exactly who he is at this very moment.

Good Luck Bear! Wishing you....the future that was destined to be yours in whichever form that takes!
Love
Mommy and Daddy

Out of Order

I realized something really important about myself over the weekend.

Some people might find this surprising about me..Very surprising. For those who know me extremely well though-it won’t come as a shock.

I am really quite bad with order in my house. I am actually quite disorganized. I am definitely messy and untidy.

I say people would be very surprised because in most ways I am the organized Queen. I mean every birthday card I receive, or wedding speech about me or anything I have ever heard about myself includes a  reference to my obsessive organizing, my hyper to do lists and my many systems that are engrained in our family and our kids to keep order and upkeep in our  house.

Somehow though this sense of order has just not made it to the dishes piled up in the sink that seem not to bother me, or the jam stain on the sofa that I chose a nap over cleaning it up, or the way I pack with my clothes rolled up in a ball in my suitcase, or my desk at home or at work which are definitely the true definition of organized chaos.

I want more order in my life, chaos really stresses me out. I think I am a master of organizing time and priorities but a disaster at organizing things. I think that at the expense of being orderly with things-I focus on organizing time and events. I need a better balance in these two areas.

Another reason why I often choose not to be orderly is that it is much easier to delegate order than it is other things I do to the people who help me out at home. Asking someone to load the dishwasher or sort clothing is much easier than asking them to call your brother and ask him how his move is going or to write back to a friend in need of a listening ear.

I see the difference in my stress levels when things are very orderly around me. Our cottage is a perfect example. At Trent because we bought it recently and put massive time into the initial organizing of it- everything has a place and is very well thought out and organized. It is a place of serenity and I generally care alot more about keeping it this way than I do in our actual home. When I take something out I put it back-mainly because I know where back is! I took the time to not only devise systems in this house but a place for everything. Trent calms me completely and I feel great while I am there (could very well also have something so do with the lake, the skiing, the yummy food too!)

It’s funny how deficient I feel I am in this area and how hard I feel it would be for me to change. To some they consider me their mentor in order, systems for chores, systems for laundry, systems for homework, systems for cubbies, for making lunches, for grocery lists. Some of it can be true.  But underneath-I am a bit of a disaster really.

The perfect example was my wedding day. Spent a bit of change on my dress, the nice hair up do, the sparkly shoes, the sleek jewels, the radiant makeup etc.. but never even took one single minute to look or study myself in the mirror before I left to get married! My mom always laughs about it. I could not care less how my dress looked from the back, or my hair for that matter, or if my shoes did or did not peek out from under my dress. My garment belt could have been twisted 4 times around my leg and it would not have made a difference to me. I was into the BIG picture that day of hoping to be a beautiful bride and marrying the man I love. The details were completely irrelevant to me. That day symbolizes a lot in my life..the tradition has carried on.

Big Picture Important. Details Irrelevant.

Somehow lately though as I approach the age of someone supposed to be all grown up,the stains on the couch bother me more. The toothpaste in the sink gets on my nerves and my clothes rolled in a ball, grate on my nerves a bit.

I am disappointed in myself not for these bad habits necessarily, but for the lessons they are teaching my children in order or lack of it:(  I might be raising three kids who I hope are autonomous,  leaders and good at homework, but if they  go around  eating a pancake and spilling the syrup on the floor and  don’t bother to  clean it up (nor their Mom)..then who am I fooling?
They will be more likely to be asked to appear on Roseanne Barr’s Daytime Show than to go on to be truly successful individuals.

This needs to be worked on. I need help!

A Plateful of Grateful

It’s amazing how in life-what we see is really dependant on what lens we look through. I have always found it fascinating that when we change the lens (or the lens is changed for us in some cases) that everything in view is completely different.

Today I am back to automatic focus. Yesterday however…was definately a blurry day.

Beauty for the last 7days has been complaining of leg pain. No big deal-mostly ignored it for the last week. My Protector and I started to worry however when by Sunday evening our daughter was a completely different person, crying, asking for medication and telling us that she could not even stand up in the night to visit the bathroom. She limped all day yesterday and sat on the bench at Glee. She cried herself to sleep at night out of sheer pain.

The researcher that I am and the worrier my Hubby is, we found ourselves on the famous Intranet and ruled out growing pains because of her symptoms persisting in the mornings. What we did Google however were the dreaded Childhood Cancers-and those I must tell you were not fun to read at all.

It took me back to Jenny.

A friend of mine in primary school was one day was at Brownies with me and the next day she had acute pain in her leg. The next day she was diagnosed with leukemia. The next week her hair was gone. And the next few years all I remember of her was visiting her in the hospital and being petrified out of my mind.

This fear came back to me yesterday.

The lens I was looking through was very, very painful. Suddenly nothing except Beauty being ok mattered. I did not care about the kids chores. I did not care about their homework. Chase called and said the bus he was on broke and that he had to walk 15 minutes to another one and was a bit lost. I did not care. I heard my Mom with the kids stressing over homework and eating and the dishwasher being broken. I did not care.

Yesterday I also found out that very, very likely (not fully confirmed yet) I won an extremely prestigious award at work  that I would be travelling globally to accept  . It felt very hard to care.

My lens that day-was a single window pane and that pane was excruciatingly painful.

I took Beauty to the doctor today and all seems ok. I prayed to hear the word “muscular” and I did. I was given a prescription for bloodtests for the dreaded white and red blood cell count but only because she knows I work in pharmaceuticals and I know my stuff. The doctor was extra cautious. She suggested I don’t get the tests until a week from now if persistent pain.

My daughter walked out of the office and did a pirouette. I am sure by end of week she will be back to the splits. Beauty will be ok and healthy. I will not need to shave my head in sympathy with my girl. We were happy. Back to smiling.

Within minutes my lens shifted again. Literally by the time I got back into the car I was on my automatic focus again. Where was Chase-he was did not call me when he arrived home? Did Bear study enough French for his high school entrance exams?. Gosh I hate this skirt on me it is not the right length! The damn dishwasher-how could it break again when we just had it fixed?

I hated the worry and the stress over Beauty-but in essence it made me a better person. My view was more complete. More real. Worry has the ability to bring you right back to the basics, very, very quickly.

As I sit here now, I vow to remember some of that worry that I held with me yesterday. I vow to keep that picture and frame it accurately in my mind. My empathy is very high for these with children who are ill and whose parents feel like there is nothing more in the world they would want more than to make their child better. They would throw themselves in front of a truck to make that happen. In a heartbeat I am sure.

I know that yesterday when I was out of focus-the only thing I needed was someone beside me who could have helped me see a clearer picture. If ever you need that one day for you..come to me-I will understand you and help you the best way I can. Pinky Swear.

Teeth

(Nope.. this one is not about kid's brushing their teeth or how to get them to do so)

It’s about showing more teeth-more often. And not just for kids. For ourselves.

What comes totally free, naturally, spontaneously and freely? A friendly Smile :)

I can be incredibly selfish with my smiles sometimes. I kind of get into this weird habit of keeping them to myself. Giving them out only at certain times of the day. Saving them for special occasions.

I like my smile-may be my best feature. Weird that I  most often tend to show more cleavage  than more teeth eh??

So as of the beginning of this week I decided to smile at strangers, in particular, often. It really has a good effect! It’s awesome so far. I walk many mornings on the lake and pass many strangers. My usual thing is the “courteous head nod” while listening to my I-Pod. On Wednesday I tried no I-Pod and direct eye combined with an ear to ear smile. The receivers in most cases were  a bit taken aback and gave me  a courteous head nod in return ,but I felt really, really good anyways.

 I don’t think my face has exercised to that extent in a long while since my personal trainer is not put that one on my program. In my case if it’s not on a list it seems not to get done :)

Next person was today. I was in my car at a red light and looked over into the next car. A (big) old lady in hers trying to get something out of her eye in her mirror. Once her eye was free of debris, she looked over and caught my eye. Another big, cutesy smile came radiating from my heart . And she returned it. Really... it  truly started my day our perfectly./i have been feeling good ever since that smile.

Next in line for my spontaneous smiles..my family. Poor things will probably wonder if I am doing some serious drugs.

Happy Weekend Everyone!

Back to the Basics

Sometimes I sit back and think to myself..”What was life like before I had kids? Many things come to mind. I was calmer and less stressed. I was more spontanoeus.We had more time as a couple. I did not have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was more carefree. Overall though compared to now....my life was also boring.

Then I ask myself “How has life changed for me since having kids” ? More anxiety. Less time. More financial pressure. Need to be more organized. Much more chaotic. Definately more fulfilling.

When I am coaching on parenting I often start with these questions before I ask the BIG one.

“What is your Purpose as a Parent-What do you Want to Instill in your children?”

It differs for everyone. Common answers are respect, academic success, self confidence, order, kindness, autonomy. Each family is different.

The next piece of advice....

Don’t lose sight of what you want to instill in your kid...

Always revisit what is important to you and don’t let go of it...

Realign if you need to but don’t give up...

We all do it. I  personally do it all the time.

We care more about the clean room than the shattered confidence of our child when we tell them they did not do a good job cleaning it. We care more about wanting to relax on a Friday night and not worry about our child out alone at the movies with a friend-so we don’t let them go and they lose the chance to be autonomous. We nag them to not forget their lunch before school instead of letting them forget it and taking the natural consequence of being hungry. We academically teach them a lesson of a value that is important to us such as kindness and respect but then we don’t take the time to call our own sister on her birthday.

Life gets in the way for sure- of what is important to us. But it’s not an excuse. If we screw up 4/10 times maybe that is ok-if we screw up 8/10 we might want to reevaluate our methods. Are we really achieving what be set out to do as parents?

Being a parent is really hard work-really, really hard work. Many parents say” I don’t really have particular things I want to teach my child or guide them on. I will just love them and be there for them”.  That is very important too of course-but what about the bigger picture? What are you (and your child) missing out on to not have them guided by your incredible wisdom, experience and love for them?

Fundamentally the best of parents succeed by preparing their children to be happy and well adjusted adults. Really our role as parent.....is to prepare for letting go one day. Right?

So if you find yourself with a moment in front of you in the next few days ask yourself that question and see what is there for you. “Have you lost sight of what you want to instill in your kids?”  Do you nag more than you hug? Do you criticize more than you compliment? Do you protect them more  than taking those steps towards letting go? Do their dirty clothes on their floor bother you more than you child not communicating with you as often lately? Does making sure they get that A+ on their French exam take away from the time you spend together in the evenings relaxing as a family?

I know that these questions haunt me almost on a daily basis. I am in a constant state of reflection, revaluation and assessing if what I do is in line with my values. I know lately I have been off base-it’s time for me to get back on track.

It’s time to get Back to the Basics.

The Amazing Touch of Feather and Rocks

Baggies on Toes. Puppets on Hands. Surprises beneath pillows. Indian Feathers. Precious gems with special notes. Mantras and meditations. Museums and funky music. Sleepovers and pool tables. Calculations and Dictees. Box of special toys and art at the art table. Beautiful and thoughtful gifts wrapped in a rainbow of colors. Yoga camps and Love. New ideas and cars parked high up on our hill in the snow. Laughter and hugs. Dancing, playing and gentle teasing. Smooth rocks for stress and intricate rocks for separation. Dancing feathers and Inuit folklores.

The Music of our Lives.

The 6^th person in our Family of Five.

What we go to bed being grateful for every night.

What do all of these things have in common? They are one beautiful package tied up in the form of our Nana Didi, my Heartbeat, My Mom, a phenomenal Grandmother.

In this blog one of my core reasons to write it is to be grateful.  Often on my Weekly Gratitude section I will spotlight someone very important in my life and I could not begin this tradition without putting the most important person at the very beginning. I believe much, much more in giving people recognition and showing gratitude when they are living that after it is too late. I believe very much in the importance of eulogies-but I believe even more so in life itself.

The essence of her is hard to describe-but you know you have come in contact with her when you feel like your life has been lit up. She is a free spirit full of energy, smartness, uniqueness and she is just completely and utterly cool. That is the inside of her-but the outside is just as phenomenal. She looks (no joke her at all) in her forties and her skin is soft as a baby’s bum. She is always fashionable and always put together. Her brown lipstick and black pants with cozy tops is her signature. Her hair is always perfect and she is beaming and glowing straight from the inside. She has a gorgeous smile.

Anyone who comes in contact with her is impressed by her grace and her ability to connect. She is regal, she is classy, she is a bit off the top and she will light you up like a flashlight.

She is solitary and stands alone. She is also surrounded by friends and brings out the best in people. She will listen to you, challenge you and comfort you. She will share herself with all of us.

If I had to describe her in two words it would be peaceful and joyful. She is a beautiful and lovely and graceful bird.

As I write this I cannot believe how lucky I have been to be her girl. She has been all mine my entire life. Always there to answer me and comfort me.  Never more than a phone call, an email, a talk or a hug away. I am surrounded by her love on a minute by minute basis. Even if I had no one else in the world-I would be fine because she would be there for me.

My kids are every bit as lucky as I have been. She is as much part of her life, as me and their Dad. When she is there it’s as if we are there (although probably much, much more fun!). We have created an extended family,  a little village to raise these three cubs and we all do it together. The definition of a win-win situation. I need help and she needs work. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me really. My Mom is the glue that holds our home, our family and our organized yet chaotic life together. She is the crazy glue that makes us all stick. She is the core of the apple and the caramel surrounding it all making it perfectly yummy.

And the best part about our Didi? She is in constant evolution..constant improvement. She is a receiver of feedback if there ever was one (and gosh have I given her some good doses over the years!). She is the definition of growth and high potential. She never gives up and she just keeps on growing, and learning, and realizing and changing.

All that to say-you get the jist..I am completely madly deeply and truly in love with my Mom. She and I have an  amazing and extremely wonderful relationship that has grown and changed and evolved over the years to what is...exactly what I need in my life now and forever.

 I have questioned her and expressed to her sadness, disappointment and even anger of some of the ways my childhood or adolescence went that I wish had gone differently. I have expressed recognition, love and appreciation for my childhood and adolescence for many of the other parts that I would not trade an inch for. I have learnt from her mistakes-and she has provided a safe embrace for me as I make my own mistakes as Mother.

As a team –we are very powerful. We compliment eachother’s stengths and weaknesses very well. The united front my kids receive is very, very balanced.

As I end this post....I want you to know Mom that in this “second “part of my life with my big birthday coming up...one of my goals is to learn from your peacfulness and joy and become more like you in this way. I admire it. I respect it. I covet it. I want it. Teach me how?

I know that you are there for me Mom. I can count on you to save me from fires, protect me from robberies and run with me quickly ,swiftly and together whenever we are in danger. I am grateful to be yours.

Love you forever and a Day.

Your Baby Cheena

Creating a New Context

I am very lucky to learn a lot of really cool stuff throughout my career, from my many Teachers of Transformation.

One of the most powerful things I have learnt to date has been the concept of creating a new context for a given situation.

It reminds me also in a lot of ways of a blog on a BFF’s blog “Raising Flowers and Skids” called “Starting Over”.

Creating a New Context goes something like this:

You have a set idea in your mind and a certain way of being

This way of being is not working for you

You start over and attach to the idea or thing a new context

You live into this new context

It sounds all very simple but in reality it is quite complex. It sounds really complex but really it’s all very simple. It’s a bit of both I guess.

Here’s an example:

We moved last March to our new cottage and struggled very, very much with this move as we left behind a cottage that has been in hubby’s family for generations and a whole bunch of beautiful memories and family relationships. We struggled immensely with this transition.. It felt like it tore our hearts in pieces.

We had to let go of what the expectations of the old cottage were to us and create new expectations to live into.

We couldn’t allow our old cottage to rule our new cottage.

We needed to align as a couple and a family to create what the new cottage would be to us. All together.

And so we did…little by little.

At first this was terribly hard (and boring too to sit in your brand new cottage and pull out a pen and paper and write).

But it needed to be done…. desperately.

Three months now since we did this and we are definitely headed in the right direction.

We are living out the context that we created.

Here it is below:

1-Weather doesn’t matter at this cottage (recognize this from my blog title??). This one was a BIG one for us. At the old cottage we let rain and sun dictate our days. We found excuses to complain...At this cottage- No Way! We have already had plenty of days where it has poured rain and we have had a blast. It’s a while new mindset for us and a whole new way to look at things. It has changed our life in big ways.

2-It’s a place of intimacy and connectedness. We bring our Best Selves to Trent. We save up all the good stuff for there.. It’s a place full of hugs, cuddles and skinny-dipping ( this part only among the adults of course)J

3-Active Connection with our children. We decided there that we would connect with our kids through activity and learning. We golf with them, we bike with them, we water-ski with them, we wakeboard with them. We cook with them, we play miniput with them, we toboggan with them. We ski with them. We fish with them .We are active (when we are not just lying around the other 75% of the time trying to escape from them!)

It is also a place of teaching. My hubby will show them everything that he learnt from his  own late Dad. Our deal is that all of them will learn to put up a gazebo, take down a dock, learn electricity, learn plumbing, learn to vacuum, learn to cook a pot-roast, learn to clean toilets, learn to mow the law, put a bail bed away, turn a dehumidifier on,  clean a paddleboat, store kayaks for the winter.

It’s a place of doing. And man alive we need the help so kind of a win situation!

So we are  living into this context of the new cottage and it is all going very well.  It is perfect and always peachy? It certainly is not.  Do we always get our new context right? We do not. Do we try our best? We do. Are we deliberate in what we wish for? Absolutely. We are much further ahead now than we were three months ago and this new context reminds us of what this cottage means to us at its very core. It means everything to us really. It’s our heaven on earth. Put there to keep us sane.

So I will keep you posted on this , as creating context is a work in progress and the writing of this post reminds me of the importance of doing this in other areas of my life. 

Creating a New Context?  Man..this  is a Powerful one. It’s a keeper for sure.