Sometimes I sit back and think to myself..”What was life like before I had kids? Many things come to mind. I was calmer and less stressed. I was more spontanoeus.We had more time as a couple. I did not have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was more carefree. Overall though compared to now....my life was also boring.
Then I ask myself “How has life changed for me since having kids” ? More anxiety. Less time. More financial pressure. Need to be more organized. Much more chaotic. Definately more fulfilling.
When I am coaching on parenting I often start with these questions before I ask the BIG one.
“What is your Purpose as a Parent-What do you Want to Instill in your children?”
It differs for everyone. Common answers are respect, academic success, self confidence, order, kindness, autonomy. Each family is different.
The next piece of advice....
Don’t lose sight of what you want to instill in your kid...
Always revisit what is important to you and don’t let go of it...
Realign if you need to but don’t give up...
We all do it. I personally do it all the time.
We care more about the clean room than the shattered confidence of our child when we tell them they did not do a good job cleaning it. We care more about wanting to relax on a Friday night and not worry about our child out alone at the movies with a friend-so we don’t let them go and they lose the chance to be autonomous. We nag them to not forget their lunch before school instead of letting them forget it and taking the natural consequence of being hungry. We academically teach them a lesson of a value that is important to us such as kindness and respect but then we don’t take the time to call our own sister on her birthday.
Life gets in the way for sure- of what is important to us. But it’s not an excuse. If we screw up 4/10 times maybe that is ok-if we screw up 8/10 we might want to reevaluate our methods. Are we really achieving what be set out to do as parents?
Being a parent is really hard work-really, really hard work. Many parents say” I don’t really have particular things I want to teach my child or guide them on. I will just love them and be there for them”. That is very important too of course-but what about the bigger picture? What are you (and your child) missing out on to not have them guided by your incredible wisdom, experience and love for them?
Fundamentally the best of parents succeed by preparing their children to be happy and well adjusted adults. Really our role as parent.....is to prepare for letting go one day. Right?
So if you find yourself with a moment in front of you in the next few days ask yourself that question and see what is there for you. “Have you lost sight of what you want to instill in your kids?” Do you nag more than you hug? Do you criticize more than you compliment? Do you protect them more than taking those steps towards letting go? Do their dirty clothes on their floor bother you more than you child not communicating with you as often lately? Does making sure they get that A+ on their French exam take away from the time you spend together in the evenings relaxing as a family?
I know that these questions haunt me almost on a daily basis. I am in a constant state of reflection, revaluation and assessing if what I do is in line with my values. I know lately I have been off base-it’s time for me to get back on track.
It’s time to get Back to the Basics.
